DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am in a relationship with an amazing person whom I love very deeply. We’re about to move in together, and while that does give me some anxiety (I have always felt anxious about commitment) I do think it’s a leap of faith I want to take with them. At least, I did until “James” (not his real name) came into the picture.
Me and James met a couple months ago at work, and got on really well. We became friends pretty quickly; He’s smart, attractive, talented, and we seem to understand each other’s personalities. It wasn’t long before I was crushing on him, bad. I would do my best to not dwell on the crush, and was sometimes even able to forget about it entirely until he showed up in a dream doing something I would never allow in real life. I’d wake up next to my partner (whom, let me reiterate, I love dearly) feeling sick to my stomach with guilt.
Still, I really enjoyed spending time with James and we would often seek out opportunities to grab a coffee or work on projects together. I know I need to set some clear boundaries so it doesn’t get out of hand, especially because I suspect he may feel the same way. I am unsure of whether or not to tell James about the crush (with the idea being that I have an opportunity to set clear boundaries and give him context for them), whether to tell my partner about it, and what it all means for our plans to move in with each other! PLEASE advise!
I have talked to friends about it, and they have all said it’d be best to come clean to James and to my partner, but I’ve seen other opinions online that say it might actually be best to lock it up tight and process it behind closed doors.
P.S. There is a little part of me that really wants to tell James so that I can see if he feels the same or if it’s all in my head, and so that we can maybe understand each other more… but that also feels like a reeeeeeaally bad reason to tell someone you have a crush on them, ESPECIALLY when there’s no chance of it going anywhere other than back to friendship. ��Sincerely, �Conflicted
DEAR CONFLICTED: Ok, first things first, Conflicted: unless you’re hoping to actually f--k this guy, I wouldn’t bring up your crush on him. If your goal really is to just let this go away and not act on it, telling him about your crush is pretty much the exact opposite of what you should do.
The same goes with telling your partner about it. Unless they’ve already demonstrated that they’re cool about such things and understand what I’m about to tell you, all this is going to do is introduce unnecessary conflict and stress into your relationship. Leaving aside that relationships aren’t depositions and you’re not obligated to report every stray thought or feeling to your partner, your partner also has a right to not know things. This is especially true about things that might cause unnecessary stress, anxiety or upset… and a crush ranks highly among those. Consider how it might feel for them to tell you that they’re having sweaty feelings for… I dunno, Meredith in Accounts Receivable. Even if you knew that it ultimately meant nothing, would it stress you out and cause anxiety that could have been avoided? Well, there you go: keeping it to yourself is a boon to them.
Now about the crush itself. What does this mean? Well… it means you’re a primate with a sex-drive. That’s it. Developing a crush on someone just means that you find somebody attractive. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner or that something’s wrong with the relationship, it doesn’t mean that you’ve betrayed them or literally anything other than “this person gets your motor humming.”
But what about those sweaty, sexy dreams? Surely that must mean something, right? Well, I refer you back to my previous answer: you’re a primate with a sex drive. And don’t call me Shirley.
Here’s the thing: humans are one of three mammal species that have sex outside of estrus, and for reasons other than reproduction. In addition, we are a novelty-seeking species, and novel experiences stimulate the increased production of oxytocin and dopamine in ways that familiar experiences don’t. And because homo sapiens’ dominant survival trait is adaptability, it means that we can get used to just about anything.
When you put those two factors together, what you end up with are people being wired to find new potential sex partners very exciting and desirable, regardless of whether we’re currently in relationships or not. And because we’re very adaptable, any circumstance, no matter how odd or exotic or desirable, can become our norm. It’s like Billy Bob Thornton’s famous (and misunderstood) quote: someone could be the sexiest person in the world but after a while it’s like f--king the couch.
You’ve been with your partner for a while. That means that they’re familiar to you, and the familiar doesn’t generate the same happy chemicals as the novel does. James is attractive to you and a novelty; that makes him exciting. That’s all.
But a crush isn’t a command, and attraction isn’t a mandate from God. The fact that you feel something doesn’t mean that you need to act on it. But you also don’t need to try to repress it; all that’s going to do is make the feelings even more intense and even harder to ignore.
Now, I’m an advocate of “just note and name your feelings and let them roll past you without doing anything about them”. When you feel those sweaty feelings, you say “ah, yes, that’s my crush on James” and then just redirect your attention back to whatever you’re doing. You don’t shove them away, you don’t try to NOT feel them or deny them, you just acknowledge them and turn your attention to something else and just focus on that.
However. If you don’t want to bang James (that is, you don’t want to break a monogamous commitment to your partner), then part of what you’re going to need to do is not put yourself into places where mistakes could “just happen”. There’s a difference between “just feeling your feels and let them go” and throwing yourself in temptation’s way. Right now, your seeking out opportunities to spend time with him sounds a lot like you’re treating this more like a date than a crush at the office. That’s potentially risky for you; it puts you in positions where you’re more likely to fail your Wisdom save and something that wasn’t “consciously” planned could “just happen.” Oops, got caught up in the moment and wouldn’t you know it, stuff happened and now you feel awful.
If you want to avoid that – and it sounds like you do – then you’re going to have to put those boundaries into place. But you’re also going to have to be the one to enforce them on yourself. That means not seeking out James for intimate coffees or hanging out, not going out of your way to work with him or otherwise putting yourself in places where “mistakes” could be made. Willpower is a finite resource, and it’s a lot easier to resist things when you don’t have easy access to them. If there’re more things that make it a lot harder to “accidentally” kiss him or give him the opportunity to kiss you, for example, you’ll have a much easier time to resist the urge when it comes up.
(To be clear: I don’t think this is something that all men and women need to do. It’s just a matter of your specific circumstances and worries. If you’re afraid of something happening, making sure that it can’t is part of how you head it off).
What do you do instead? Well, beyond noting and naming your crush and redirecting your attention, you can also take that sexual energy and excitement and plow it into your partner. Long-term relationships mean that the novelty wears off, yes, but you can add novelty back in, in a number of ways. Changing the hows, whens and wheres of how you and your partner get physical, for example, can inject some much-needed novelty and adventure back into your sex lives and channel this ambient horniness back into your relationship. If you and your partner take this opportunity to, say, experiment with getting a little freaky, exploring some fantasies or adding new wrinkles to your sex life – maybe make it a mission to find a place for the two of you to park and bang like teenagers – then you’ll be triggering the same sort of novel experience that jumpstarts the creation of oxytocin and dopamine again.
And if you indulge in some fantasies in your head while you’re with your partner? That’s entirely up to you and nobody’s business but yours. What goes on in between your ears is up to you; it’s not a betrayal, it’s not an infidelity or anything else. It’s just what’s getting you off this time.
Now the good news: crushes are like campfires. If you feed it, it’ll grow. If you starve it of fuel, it’ll burn itself out eventually. What you’re doing right now, with those coffees and projects? That’s feeding the fire. If you want this crush to go, you need to stop that.
If you just let your crush be and – critically – treat James the same as any other coworker, the crush will fade. Note the feelings, name them and redirect your attention, and plow that extra sexual energy you have into your partner. Use it as motivation to try new and different things and not only will your crush fade, but you and your partner will have more excitement and be brought closer than before. And you’ll have James to thank for it.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com