DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am in a relationship with an amazing person whom I love very deeply. We’re about to move in together, and while that does give me some anxiety (I have always felt anxious about commitment) I do think it’s a leap of faith I want to take with them. At least, I did until “James” (not his real name) came into the picture.

Me and James met a couple months ago at work, and got on really well. We became friends pretty quickly; He’s smart, attractive, talented, and we seem to understand each other’s personalities. It wasn’t long before I was crushing on him, bad. I would do my best to not dwell on the crush, and was sometimes even able to forget about it entirely until he showed up in a dream doing something I would never allow in real life. I’d wake up next to my partner (whom, let me reiterate, I love dearly) feeling sick to my stomach with guilt.

Still, I really enjoyed spending time with James and we would often seek out opportunities to grab a coffee or work on projects together. I know I need to set some clear boundaries so it doesn’t get out of hand, especially because I suspect he may feel the same way. I am unsure of whether or not to tell James about the crush (with the idea being that I have an opportunity to set clear boundaries and give him context for them), whether to tell my partner about it, and what it all means for our plans to move in with each other! PLEASE advise!

I have talked to friends about it, and they have all said it’d be best to come clean to James and to my partner, but I’ve seen other opinions online that say it might actually be best to lock it up tight and process it behind closed doors. 

P.S. There is a little part of me that really wants to tell James so that I can see if he feels the same or if it’s all in my head, and so that we can maybe understand each other more… but that also feels like a reeeeeeaally bad reason to tell someone you have a crush on them, ESPECIALLY when there’s no chance of it going anywhere other than back to friendship. ��Sincerely, �Conflicted 

DEAR CONFLICTED: Ok, first things first, Conflicted: unless you’re hoping to actually f--k this guy, I wouldn’t bring up your crush on him. If your goal really is to just let this go away and not act on it, telling him about your crush is pretty much the exact opposite of what you should do.

The same goes with telling your partner about it. Unless they’ve already demonstrated that they’re cool about such things and understand what I’m about to tell you, all this is going to do is introduce unnecessary conflict and stress into your relationship. Leaving aside that relationships aren’t depositions and you’re not obligated to report every stray thought or feeling to your partner, your partner also has a right to not know things. This is especially true about things that might cause unnecessary stress, anxiety or upset… and a crush ranks highly among those. Consider how it might feel for them to tell you that they’re having sweaty feelings for… I dunno, Meredith in Accounts Receivable. Even if you knew that it ultimately meant nothing, would it stress you out and cause anxiety that could have been avoided? Well, there you go: keeping it to yourself is a boon to them.

Now about the crush itself. What does this mean? Well… it means you’re a primate with a sex-drive. That’s it. Developing a crush on someone just means that you find somebody attractive. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner or that something’s wrong with the relationship, it doesn’t mean that you’ve betrayed them or literally anything other than “this person gets your motor humming.”

But what about those sweaty, sexy dreams? Surely that must mean something, right? Well, I refer you back to my previous answer: you’re a primate with a sex drive. And don’t call me Shirley.

Here’s the thing: humans are one of three mammal species that have sex outside of estrus, and for reasons other than reproduction. In addition, we are a novelty-seeking species, and novel experiences stimulate the increased production of oxytocin and dopamine in ways that familiar experiences don’t. And because homo sapiens’ dominant survival trait is adaptability, it means that we can get used to just about anything.

When you put those two factors together, what you end up with are people being wired to find new potential sex partners very exciting and desirable, regardless of whether we’re currently in relationships or not. And because we’re very adaptable, any circumstance, no matter how odd or exotic or desirable, can become our norm. It’s like Billy Bob Thornton’s famous (and misunderstood) quote: someone could be the sexiest person in the world but after a while it’s like f--king the couch.

You’ve been with your partner for a while. That means that they’re familiar to you, and the familiar doesn’t generate the same happy chemicals as the novel does. James is attractive to you and a novelty; that makes him exciting. That’s all.

But a crush isn’t a command, and attraction isn’t a mandate from God. The fact that you feel something doesn’t mean that you need to act on it. But you also don’t need to try to repress it; all that’s going to do is make the feelings even more intense and even harder to ignore.

Now, I’m an advocate of “just note and name your feelings and let them roll past you without doing anything about them”. When you feel those sweaty feelings, you say “ah, yes, that’s my crush on James” and then just redirect your attention back to whatever you’re doing. You don’t shove them away, you don’t try to NOT feel them or deny them, you just acknowledge them and turn your attention to something else and just focus on that.

However. If you don’t want to bang James (that is, you don’t want to break a monogamous commitment to your partner), then part of what you’re going to need to do is not put yourself into places where mistakes could “just happen”. There’s a difference between “just feeling your feels and let them go” and throwing yourself in temptation’s way. Right now, your seeking out opportunities to spend time with him sounds a lot like you’re treating this more like a date than a crush at the office. That’s potentially risky for you; it puts you in positions where you’re more likely to fail your Wisdom save and something that wasn’t “consciously” planned could “just happen.” Oops, got caught up in the moment and wouldn’t you know it, stuff happened and now you feel awful.

If you want to avoid that – and it sounds like you do – then you’re going to have to put those boundaries into place. But you’re also going to have to be the one to enforce them on yourself. That means not seeking out James for intimate coffees or hanging out, not going out of your way to work with him or otherwise putting yourself in places where “mistakes” could be made. Willpower is a finite resource, and it’s a lot easier to resist things when you don’t have easy access to them. If there’re more things that make it a lot harder to “accidentally” kiss him or give him the opportunity to kiss you, for example, you’ll have a much easier time to resist the urge when it comes up.

(To be clear: I don’t think this is something that all men and women need to do. It’s just a matter of your specific circumstances and worries. If you’re afraid of something happening, making sure that it can’t is part of how you head it off).

What do you do instead? Well, beyond noting and naming your crush and redirecting your attention, you can also take that sexual energy and excitement and plow it into your partner. Long-term relationships mean that the novelty wears off, yes, but you can add novelty back in, in a number of ways. Changing the hows, whens and wheres of how you and your partner get physical, for example, can inject some much-needed novelty and adventure back into your sex lives and channel this ambient horniness back into your relationship. If you and your partner take this opportunity to, say, experiment with getting a little freaky, exploring some fantasies or adding new wrinkles to your sex life – maybe make it a mission to find a place for the two of you to park and bang like teenagers – then you’ll be triggering the same sort of novel experience that jumpstarts the creation of oxytocin and dopamine again.

And if you indulge in some fantasies in your head while you’re with your partner? That’s entirely up to you and nobody’s business but yours. What goes on in between your ears is up to you; it’s not a betrayal, it’s not an infidelity or anything else. It’s just what’s getting you off this time.

Now the good news: crushes are like campfires. If you feed it, it’ll grow. If you starve it of fuel, it’ll burn itself out eventually. What you’re doing right now, with those coffees and projects? That’s feeding the fire. If you want this crush to go, you need to stop that.

If you just let your crush be and – critically – treat James the same as any other coworker, the crush will fade. Note the feelings, name them and redirect your attention, and plow that extra sexual energy you have into your partner. Use it as motivation to try new and different things and not only will your crush fade, but you and your partner will have more excitement and be brought closer than before. And you’ll have James to thank for it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m an almost 37-year-old female virgin who is in good shape, makes good money, owns my own home, and considering my social awkwardness has a large circle of similarly weird and intellectual friends. But I badly want to be married and have a biological child or two, and time is running out for that to happen. The issue is that I have literally never once in my life experienced mutual attraction.

I’ve always been shy, nerdy, awkward, over-analytical, and had deep niche interests, so much so that I had myself officially tested for autism a few years back, but I’m apparently neurotypical. I also have a lifelong secret fantasy of being sexually dominant with a man that I despair of ever putting into action. I see myself as average-looking, neither attractive enough for my looks to be a significant plus on their own, nor ugly enough for them to be a significant minus if a guy likes my personality, but I may be overestimating my own attractiveness based on the reactions of guys whom I thought were in my league.

I like shy, nerdy, gentle-seeming men whom I can imagine pushing down and ripping the clothes off and making whimper. But every one I’ve ever encountered who wasn’t already taken has ignored me, and gently or soft-rejected me on the rare occasions I got up the courage to ask them out. Typically they seem to end up with more conventionally hot, outgoing women. Conversely, I’m repelled by dominant, outgoing, conventionally manly men; I can deal with them as friends, but can’t shake the feeling that they have more potential to be abusive or unfaithful in a relationship, and can’t imagine opening up to them sexually even if they’re physically attractive. The thought of being sexually dominated by a man is pretty equivalent in my mind to being raped. And the only men who have ever shown romantic interest in me have been those dominant, outgoing men who weren’t even physically attractive. I’ve even been in several situations where a man I’ve rejected has become aggressive and stalkerish, which for a woman who has never even had a relationship just feels comically, cosmically unfair.

I’ve kept detailed journals dating from around when I first started noticing boys early in high school, and I’ve spent the last month or so reading back through these and adding up all my disappointments. And I’ve objectively determined that so far in my lifetime, there have been 31 guys I’ve liked who haven’t liked me (8 of whom I asked out and was rejected by; the rest just ignored me, often when I was making every effort to get them to notice and like me short of actually asking them out); 13 guys who’ve liked me whom I haven’t liked (3 of whom got scary when rejected; the rest took it decently); and a grand total of zero guys I’ve liked who have also liked me.

(This is only counting in-person interactions; I’ve tried various dating sites and apps, but it’s just been more of the same, i.e., I only get messaged by men I’m not interested in, usually because they seem too macho, too conservative, and/or not intellectual enough, and none of the ones I message or match with are ever interested in me.)

I’m not looking to achieve any kind of epic body count here; I just need one compatible, mutually attracted partner for the rest of my life. What steps can I take to make that happen within the next year or two?

Only Want What Can’t Have

DEAR ONLY WANT WHAT I CAN’T HAVE: Attraction and compatibility are complex and wild beasties, OWWICH, and it’s important to remember that there’s rarely a single reason why anybody does or doesn’t struggle with meeting someone.

However, there’re a couple areas that tend to be the most common sticking points when folks have a difficult time finding a mutual match.

One is, obviously, presentation. The thing folks often don’t get about attractiveness is that it’s at least partially artifice. Someone can look model-hot when they’ve got a full face on and they’re dressed to the nines, but be absolutely unremarkable when they’ve just rolled out of bed or are dressed to go for a run or hit the gym.

Average looks often really means “average presentation”; a change in style, grooming or make-up can be transformative. So one thing that may help for you is to work on your look and style. What you’re doing now may be functional, but it may not evoke who you are as a person or play to your best aspects. It may also simply not signal to the people you’re most interested in. If you’re a domme in potentia, but you’re dressing like an office worker even in your off days, you’re not sending those signals to potential submissive men about who you are and what you’re about.

There’re a number of options for you to work on your presentation; this is an area where women are a bit luckier than men, since y’all have a head start on it being permissible to say “I need to learn how to do this”. I’d suggest trying to decide the sort of vibe or sexy archetype you feel resonates the most with you and look to start inhabiting it. Going someplace like Sephora or Ulta and asking for some advice on make-up that will help evoke those vibes can be a good start. So too would looking at styles on Instagram, Pintrest and elsewhere to give you a starting point that you can use as a baseline.

This is also going to be about attitude. Look at some of the characters in geek circles who get the “please step on me” crowd going. Lady Dimitrescu dresses like a lady of means from the 20s and 30s, but her demeanor (and, admittedly, size) is what draws people in and makes them say “punish me, I’ve been bad”. The same blend of confidence, authority and control is part of the appeal of both overtly domme-coded characters like Bayonetta and less-overt ones like Susan Ivanova. The more you cultivate and can inhabit that sort of character, the more you’re going to find folks who vibe with it. You don’t need to be going around barking commands or reminding people that Thou Shalt Not Question Ivanova’s Orders, but carrying yourself with that same level of attitude will go a long, long way.

Another thing to consider is what I tell people all the time: if you want people who are of a certain type, figure out where those folks are most likely to hang out and spend time there. Now, you say that you’re interested in submissive men who are into dominant women. Well, the most obvious place to start, in my opinion, would be to get connected to your local kink community. You’re going to have a much easier time finding submissive men looking for a dominant woman in an area where those submissive men have already pre-selected themselves than by going around hoping to find them by random chance.

Do some research – Google may be a decent starting place, but I’d also suggest specific subreddits and even Fetlife – and find a munch (an informal kink community get-together) in your area and join them. Getting more connected in the kink scene and making friends there will not only help you hone your desires to be the top in your relationships, but also help you connect with guys who are looking for precisely what you’re offering.

And as a bonus, if you start learning more about kink, topping and BDSM, you’ll feel more confident in yourself and in going after what (and who you want). Those more submissive guys aren’t always going to volunteer themselves or leap into your path and beg you to step on them. Sometimes you’re going to have to be the one to make the moves that draw them in. If you’ve had some experience with being the dominant in a scene – even if kink and BDSM isn’t necessarily where your interests lie – you’re going to feel more empowered to make the first move, especially in ways that some of those guys are going to respond to. Confidence and courage, after all, are about attitude and self-belief. If you know what you are capable of and what you’re worth, it’s much easier to say “ok I’m into you, let’s do this,” rather than having to build and build up to the point of being able to say something, only to find out that they’ve already been asked by someone else.

Now, to be sure: this is going to take trial and error. As with anyone who is trying to find their true, best self, you’re going to experiment with things that may not work out for you. That’s perfectly normal and it’s part of the process. You have to be prepared for some dead ends, some false starts and learning that some of the things you thought you wanted weren’t what you needed. But by learning how to best express and inhabit your true self, you’ll make it that much easier to find the folks who are looking for precisely what you offer and how to draw them in.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 31 year old woman. Ten years ago I was diagnosed as autistic, which explained a lot about my social life (or lack thereof). About five years ago, I discovered what asexuality was, and that also answered a lot of questions. On the one hand, I thought “oh, so I’m not broken! There’s a reason I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone.” On the other hand, I thought “oh, I was *very* in love with that person in high school, wasn’t I? And I just didn’t realize because I thought you had to want to kiss someone to be in love with them.”

To make a decade-long story short, I’ve finally graduated from college this year. Emotionally, mentally, academically – in every conceivable way I’m doing the best I ever have. I’m really proud of what I’ve accomplished.

And, I would like to date. But I’m honestly not sure how. My social circle consists of classmates all at least a decade my junior. I’ve tried online dating before, but if I wasn’t getting just the worst unicorn hunters in my DMs I was trying and failing to find an app that worked for asexuals. I’m not even kidding that if you google “asexual dating app” the response is “did you mean *sexual* dating app?”

As far as romantic orientation, I have no clue what I am. I guess I’m theoretically panromantic – in hindsight I definitely had pretty intense crushes on people of multiple genders in high school. But hormones do funny things. I haven’t really had a crush since, but until very recently I also haven’t been around people enough that I could have developed a crush, I think. 

I’d like to get out there! I’ve done the work, I’ve grown a ton in the past decade, I’m living my best life, and I’m finally in a place where I know and understand my sexual orientation and I’d like to explore dating. But I have no clue where to start. I feel like I’m at a crossroads composed entirely of dead ends.

Sincerely,�Ready to Launch

DEAR READY TO LAUNCH: I’m glad that you’ve been doing the work and getting to a place where you’re feeling confident and ready to give something new a try, RTL! That’s an exciting time, and it’s going to be an interesting adventure for sure.

But of course, there’s the complication of just how to get started when you’re not even sure about… almost anything about your sexual and romantic orientation. And to be sure: those can be different – some people are bi (or pan)sexual but primarily heteroromantic (that is, they mostly form romantic connections with someone who’s a different gender from them), while some may feel sexual attraction for one gender, but form romantic connections with people across the gender spectrum, or almost any combination thereof. And as you’ve discovered: just because you’re asexual doesn’t mean that you don’t also feel romantic love for people, and you can be aromantic without being asexual.

Now, it sounds like what you’re most interested in is figuring out more about who you are and what (and who) you want from a relationship – which is entirely valid! In practice, what you’re going to want to prioritize are potential partners who are going to be patient, giving and understanding that you’re still in a discovery phase. How do you go about finding them?

There’re a few options. One thing I would suggest is that, as someone who is at least potentially panromantic, to look into LGBTQ social groups in your area. If you’re in a college town or one of the larger, more liberal cities, you’re much more likely to find groups that are specifically for helping local queer people meet each other and connect. These are often based around activities – an LGBTQ amateur sports league, pub quiz teams, hiking and biking orgs and so on – that allow for people to get to know each other in low-key, low-pressure environments that don’t feel like meat markets. Taking the chance to get to know people, build connections and relationships with them and see who – if anyone – floats your boat without feeling the need to make things happen will be a good start.

That low-pressure environment is going to be important. You’re still figuring things out. The last thing you’re going to feel like you’re somehow obligated to hook up or declare someone your new one and only, especially if you’re not sure how you feel yet.

Another option is to get back on the apps, but with a different outlook than you had last time. I know I’m the guy telling people to let online dating be a supplement to how you meet people, not the primary method. But for someone in a situation like yours, it’s going to be one of the more reliable ways of finding a larger number of people who are a) the most likely to understand what you’re looking for and b) have more of an understanding of what dating you would be like.

One of the benefit of dating apps is that you have more opportunities to fine-tune what you’re looking for and give people a heads up in advance to what dating you would mean.

Of course, the tricky aspect of this is that – as with allosexual people – part of having success on a dating app is finding the one where you’re going to find the people who are most compatible with you. Since most folks are going to be allosexual, that can make things challenging.

But challenging isn’t the same thing as impossible.

Now, there are some ace-oriented dating apps out there, like Taimi or HER. The biggest drawback to specialized apps is that they may not have the critical mass of users that make them a viable option. I’d certainly recommend checking those out and see if they work for you, but I would also suggest that you are going to want to be a little creative.

Some apps that focus on less traditional, less heteronormative relationship models, like #Feeld may be one way for you to go. #Feeld is aimed at people looking for non-traditional relationships, like polyamory or kink. These tend to be communities where you will find people who are more versed in the wide array of human sexuality and the importance of open and clear communication. While nothing’s guaranteed, and you can find assholes anywhere, the people in these communities are much more likely to understand asexuality and be more prepared to date someone who’s ace.

I’d also suggest trying OKCupid. While OKC isn’t what it was back in its glory days before Tinder, it’s still very much the 500lb gorilla of dating apps, and one that has more options than something like Hinge or Bumble. It has options that allow you to list yourself as asexual, gray-ace, demisexual and in-flux, as well as to search for people who are similar to you. You also have opportunities to use the prompts to discuss what you’re looking for and what you’re not open to. While this isn’t going to rule out the time-wasters who don’t read your profile, it does mean that you’re going to signal to people who are worth your time that you’re here, you’re single and ready to mingle. The wrong people will self-select out, one way or another. You want to make sure the right people can find you.

One thing to keep in mind is that, if you’re not sure precisely what or who you’re looking for, then be open to giving things a shot. If someone seems like you’d get along well with them, chat a bit, make a pre-date date and see how you get along in person. If you dig them then hey, great! Propose a proper date and see how things go. Just make sure that they understand what ace means and what you’re open to at that time. If not, or you realize that they’re not of the gender you’re attracted to? Wish them well in their search and move on.

Now in all cases, it’ll be important to be clear about what you want, what you’re open to and what’s a hard “no” for you. If you’re open to trying sex with someone, make sure that they’re someone who you can trust and who understands what this will mean – how you do or don’t experience desire, and so on. If that’s a hard no, then that should be something they should know as well, so that you and they don’t frustrate one another.

However, whichever way you decide to go, remember that strong boundaries are what keep the time-wasters and wanna-be predators away. When the unicorn hunters show up – and if you list yourself as any flavor of bi or pan, they likely will – don’t bother even responding to their emails. That’s just a waste of your time, and interacting with them only f--ks with your algorithm. Swipe left, delete or block if need be.

Similarly, if you do go on dates with folks, don’t let other people try to dictate to you what you should or shouldn’t be doing or what your orientation “means”; you know yourself better than anyone else, and only you get to define those aspects of yourself. Don’t listen to “well if you were REALLY bi/pan/whatever you’d do X, Y or Z”; that’s just someone trying to manipulate you into doing what they want, without a care for your feelings or needs. If someone makes you feel pressured or uncomfortable, you are well within your rights to speak up and say so. If they don’t respect and prioritize your comfort, you have the right to deny them access to you and you can leave them behind with neither guilt nor shame nor worry.

Most of all: take things at a pace that you’re comfortable with. This isn’t a race, you don’t need to make up for lost time and you don’t need to play catch-up. You are on a journey of self-discovery, and it will take exactly as long or as short as you need. If you’re interested in trying a sexual experience with someone who you think is worth it, then by all means. But if you feel like you need time to decide if that’s something you want to try or to bother with at all? That’s up to you, and someone who’s worth dating will understand and respect that.

This is an exciting time for you, RTL, and I hope you’re going to have an amazing adventure while you learn about yourself.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com