DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a guy in my mid-twenties. All my life I was/am pretty shy, very passive when it comes to interacting with other people, needed a lot of time to open up, overall that guy that only speaks if it is spoken to. Being in a relationship or going to dates is out of the question.��Around two years ago I started attending bachata classes (and afterwards also picked salsa and kizomba). I wanted to learn how to dance, to stop using excuses when I’m at a wedding or some event. I felt the need to socialize after some lockdown restrictions were lifted but I would be lying if I didn’t recognize that I also wanted to make myself more appealing to women and find my special someone. With some of them I succeeded and some not that much.��Now when I’m at a “civilian” event I’m very confident in regards to dancing, I feel the rhythm and move my body just fine. When I started attending classes I made a conscious effort to socialize and got myself a small but tight group of friends. Over time I got some positive feedback from women: “you are my favorite leader”, “I feel safe dancing sensual bachata with you”, “you dance so well and can lead me in elements I never did before”, “with you I can be myself and fool around during a dance”. But this is where my successes end. I heard both the “women don’t attend hobby classes to find a partner” and also the “you should attend a hobby class if you want to find a partner”, I tried asking out some colleagues if I was vibing with them and felt that it was mutual but I was always rejected and before you say “women don’t like to be hit on when attending hobby classes” I’ve seen plenty of colleagues starting dating and it makes me question “wtf I’m doing wrong? why do they have success and I’m not?”. In the overall dance scene I’m having an even harder time, I’m a regular at the local dance parties and attend lots of festivals outside my city. I’ve seen people constantly hooking up in the scene and I’m like “how????”.��Lots of men are wondering “where to go to meet women” and I found the answer for myself but I don’t know how to do step 2. I have no idea how to even start a conversation, most of my talk is “do you want to dance?” followed by “thank you” at the end. I’m not the type that enjoys talking during the dance but afterwards I would really like to get to know some of these women and I can’t even make myself to ask them their name. It’s like I’m so close yet so far.

Two years later I’m still going strong and I don’t see myself dropping dancing any time soon. I love the music and developed an appreciation for what the artists have achieved. I get excited every time I learn some new move and I’m constantly trying to improve my technique. The reason I dance changed but this last nugget is still bugging me. In regards to interacting with women I’m a lot better now but is still so underdeveloped. Any sort of advice or encouragement you could give me?

Thank you,�The Mute Dancer

DEAR THE MUTE DANCER: First and foremost, TMD: congratulations on becoming such a skilled dancer and getting out of your comfort zone! That’s really admirable and you should be rightly proud of how much you’ve accomplished.

I would also point out that what you’ve been learning – leading, rhythm, being aware and in control of your body and how it moves through space – is going to make you damn sexy. Part of the reason why women like a guy who can dance is that level of physical confidence, sensuality and control that comes with being skilled at dancing.

Now, this isn’t precisely the question you asked, but I want to address something you brought up in your letter that I feel is important:

“I heard both the “women don’t attend hobby classes to find a partner” and also the “you should attend a hobby class if you want to find a partner”

This is something that tends to trip a lot of people up, in part because the advice seems contradictory. And to be fair, I could be clearer when I’ve brought this up, so clearly I’m part of the problem.

Both of these are true, but as with most things, there’s important context.

If you’ve read me before, I’m sure you’ve seen my talking about “finding your people” or figuring out where the people you most want to date like to hang out. You may have also seen me talk about how shared interests help bring people together and that exploring your interests that bring you in contact with like-minded folks helps you expand your social network and exposes you to more people who you may click with. This is why I’m an advocate for going to meetups or finding events that match up with your passions.

But the way you conduct yourself at these becomes important, and it makes all the difference between “women at $CLASS aren’t there to find a date” and “take $CLASS to meet women”.

The thing that folks get wrong about a lot of “where to go to meet women” advice is that often what many folks are looking for is a – for lack of a better term – “target rich environment”. The problem is that lots of dudes go to dance classes or yoga classes or any of the other usual places that people toss out there, not because they’re interested in yoga or salsa or what-have-you, but because there’re lots of women. They tend to try to treat the hobby space like a sex ATM. They’re the ones who are cruising around like horny sharks, rather than actually participating in the class, and making the people who are there to learn how to dance or wanting to work through their asanas uncomfortable.

Most folks who are going to those classes are there because they’re interested in the classes themselves. They’re not there to get a date or a partner or to find someone at that class to hook up with. A dude who rolls in there who clearly doesn’t give a s--t and who’s shotgunning his way through the conventionally attractive members is disruptive to that, and enough of them will kill the vibe of the whole endeavor for everyone.

But if those same participants – the ones who are there specifically for the class – were to have a brief chat with someone in the class who’s also clearly there to learn and discover that they’re a charming and friendly individual and they have fun talking? They may well decide that they’d like to grab a coffee or some ice cream after class and keep the conversation going. And that may lead to something deeper. You would be hard pressed to find someone who’s single and up to mingle who wouldn’t find think that was a wonderful meet-cute.

The difference between those two examples is that one is artificial and disruptive, while the other is organic and flows naturally from a place of shared common interests and not having an agenda outside of “you seem cool, we have fun talking… let’s keep the conversation going”. Just as importantly, the horny sharks are looking for something to stick their dick in; they’re not that concerned with the individual. Meanwhile the more organic scenario I mention is entirely contingent on those two specific people, not a “you’re cute enough, you’ll do”.

You are, very clearly, someone who is taking these classes because you want to learn how to dance. You get a lot out of it, you’ve devoted a lot of time to it and you’ve become very skilled at it. And while, yeah, you wanted to be more desirable to women – and there’s nothing wrong AT ALL with that, whether it’s your primary motivation or not – you’re clearly there for love of the dance. That’s going to count for a lot, since it speaks to what you’re actually there for.

So does the positive feedback you’ve been getting. “I feel safe dancing sensual bachata with you”? “With you I can be myself and fool around during a dance”? That’s huge. That’s some first-class, high level praise and it says that you’re someone who’s safe but not boring. That’s all very, very good, and that tells me that you’ve made serious progress at your goal of being more desirable to women. You’ve nailed two of the most important qualities right there. Attraction and arousal can’t exist without feelings of safety and comfort. If they feel comfortable enough to dance in a sensual way with you or feel like they can be genuine and even a bit goofy while you all dance? King, you’re more than halfway there.

The difference between you and your colleagues – I assume you mean in class, not at work – is likely the fact that you don’t talk much. “Skilled, aloof and mysterious” is great for gothic romance novels, but doesn’t work as well in real life. You’re not out there brooding on the moors after all, you’re out in the city, moving and grooving. If you want people to want more than a dance with you, you have to let them get to know you. And to do that, you’re going to have to start flapping your lips.

And honestly? You’re in a perfect position to do so. You have a whole host of conversation starters at your fingertips. “How long have you been dancing bachata?” “Do you dance other styles?” “I haven’t seen you at these before; is this your first time?” The important thing is that you just get the conversation going and keep it going.

Now, there’s good news and there’s less-good-news. The less-good-news is that you need to work at overcoming your reticence at initiating conversation and getting over the “I don’t talk to anyone unless they talk to me first.”

The good news is: you have already proven you can do this. If you can take even a little of the dedication that you applied to learning to dance – and becoming a damn good dancer – then you can learn to be more social and communicative. As with dancing, it’s a matter of learning and practicing the basics and then adding on as you get the hang of things.

The key here is to just start taking opportunities to interact with folks without needing to be prompted, first. The good thing is, if you’re going about in public, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to do so. When I was trying to get over approach anxiety and trying to be more social in general, I played “lost tourist”, asking strangers for things like “hey, is there a Starbucks/ATM/whatever nearby?” until I was less uncomfortable going up to people I didn’t know. As I got used to that, I would switch that to “hey, are you local? Is there a good place around here for Thai/ Tex-Mex/barbecue”? From there, it moved to trying to spin that into a very short conversation – no more than a couple minutes, until I was used to just… being more talkative while I was going about my day. It became something I just did.

(Incidentally, asking for opinions on local barbecue in Austin is a good way to get locked into a conversation that’s going to go a LOT longer than 5 minutes. People feel VERY strongly about barbecue here. And even more strongly about breakfast tacos.)

Just as with dancing, if you start working on speaking up and initiating conversations and keep at it, it’ll go from something you have to consciously think to do to pure muscle memory. If you can, say, start making a point of having even a brief – even just a simple “hey, I’m TMD, how’s your night going?” – conversation with folks, you’ll start breaking through that wall-o-silence you’ve been behind all this time.

Give people the chance to get to know you, TMD. Let the conversation start and the connection build. Before long, you’re going to feel confident enough and empowered enough to say “hey, I’m going to grab a coffee after this; would you like to join me?”

And then you will be one of those success stories you’ve been envying.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Okay, so I’ve been reading your posts for a while now, using your advice to get out there to meet people and let go of my personal self-limiting beliefs. The thing is, while I do think I’ve improved I still don’t have a relationship, so maybe I haven’t improved enough? For context, I’m 27 years old, autistic and never dated or had sex.��I honestly don’t know where I stand on the desirability scale and I’m not sure how I can find that out. There’s things about me that I like, but there’s still a little more evidence that I’m not attractive. 

In my friend group I’m known as the funny one, something that I know girls really like in a guy. I also enjoy cooking and baking and will often bring baked goods to parties as a potential icebreaker in case there are any women there. I also enjoy working out and I’m even working on some writing projects; I’m in the process of writing a novel and most recently I’ve been trying to write some material for standup comedy. I know these are good traits and hobbies to have, so that should suggest that I’m desirable. 

I think that I am undesirable for a couple reasons. For one thing I never get matches on dating apps no matter how hard I try. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve created a profile, following your advice, shown it to female friends who said it was good, only to get no matches. I remember you saying that most guys suck on dating apps, which to me means that if you’re one of the few guys who doesn’t suck you will get matches. It would also mean that if you don’t get matches it’s because your profile is s--t and you have to start over again, this time with a better profile.��I also think I’m undesirable because every time I develop a crush the other person never seems to reciprocate. I haven’t had that many crushes, but the few I’ve had I was never “their type.” One of my former crushes actually became one of my friends, which suggests that she likes my personality but not my looks (if she liked both my looks and personality she would have no reason to turn me down.) Another one of my crushes asked me to go to the dog park with her, which we did about twice, and then kind of ghosted me when I asked to hang out for a third time.��I’ve also never had anybody crush on me, and if I did I think I would know. When I develop a crush on someone I always talk to their friends, get them to see if we would be a good match or if she likes me back. The fact that nobody’s ever gone to my friends to talk/ask about me in that way is one of the ways I know that nobody’s ever been infatuated with me. It’s also possible, being autistic, that a person was flirting with me but I had just “missed the signs” but I don’t think this is likely. ��For one thing, if I didn’t pick up on something and one of my friends did they would definitely tell me. They know how badly I want a girlfriend and I trust them to be honest and straightforward about that. There are also times when I thought girls were flirting with me at parties, only to find out they weren’t actually interested.

I’ve read enough of your posts to know that there’s nothing wrong with being older and inexperience and that I shouldn’t feel bad about it. Thing is, I still don’t fully understand why a desirable guy would take this long to find a partner. When you look at people with great social skills, who are in good shape and have cool, interesting hobbies, you never see them having this problem. They may have other relationship problems but the guys who fit that description are either dating someone or have a lengthy dating history by the time they’re my age. 

I think the problem here is either I’m not desirable or I am, but I’m just the unluckiest desirable guy out there. If the second thing is true, then there’s probably nothing I can do to fix myself, if I’m unlucky. If the first thing is true, that I am undesirable that would suggest that once I become desirable I’ll get a partner and all these years of struggle will finally be over. What do you think? What should I do here?

– Possibly Too Unattractive to Date

DEAR POSSIBLY TOO UNATTRACTIVE TO DATE: I’ll just get the obvious answer out of the way first: you’ll know you’re desirable enough for someone to want to date you when they date you.

Now I’ll admit that this sounds flippant and that I’m not taking your issue seriously, but that’s actually the truth. There’s no “objective” measure of desirability because everyone’s got individual tastes. There’re traits that are generally more desirable or attractive than others, but everyone’s going to have their own metric about what makes someone hot and someone else not – and frankly, they may not even be able to articulate it to anyone who isn’t them.

The thing is, attractiveness and desirability isn’t math; you don’t have a list of attributes that give you certain amounts of points and if you add them up past a certain score, you’re datable. This is why you can have someone who is conventionally handsome but still leaves people cold, while you can have hordes of women who would let Matt Berry and Jesse Plemons do all kinds of horrible things to them.

It’s also why you can’t use something like dating apps as an objective measure of your attractiveness. Leaving aside my usual rant about how swipe mechanics f--ked online dating, dating apps aren’t objective measures of anything. There are all sorts of influences and dark incentives on dating apps that affect who matches with who and when. For example, just about every app these days uses algorithms to decide who does or doesn’t show up in your feed as a a potential match, and most of those algorithms are black boxes; you have no idea who is or isn’t seeing your profile at all or what influences this. You can struggle on dating apps through no fault of your own, but because the architecture of the app makes it that much harder.

Similarly, different dating apps have different audiences and demographics; part of the struggle is to figure out where “your” people are – the folks you are most compatible with. You can have the greatest profile in the world, when all your pictures are on point and your prompts drip with diamond bon mots and pearls of wisdom… but that doesn’t do any good if the majority of women on that site aren’t people who would be a good match for you.

And that’s before we even get into the fact that most dating apps have a very lopsided male-to-female ratio; Tinder is practically at a 3 to 1 ratio. Or the fact that dating apps are very inefficient in general; recent studies have found that it takes approximately 57 matches to get one meet-up on average on Tinder. And it takes 5 separate meet-ups to get one hook up or romantic relationship. The average Tinder user reported having two matches.

This is why you can’t objectively measure how hot you are or hit the right switches and then get all the matches. Attraction doesn’t work that way. Attraction and attractiveness is a multi-axis graph and there’re often a host of issues that affect attraction that you simply can’t factor in or account for or work around. That’s just human nature. Learning how to work with this is part of learning how to date.

It’s also why I tell people that online dating should be a supplement to how you meet people, not the dominant or primary way you do so.

Now, one thing that’s important to consider is that having traits like a great sense of humor or being a great cook isn’t going to automatically win people over; people aren’t going to just smell the humor on you or divine that you’re a wizard in the kitchen. When, where and how you display those qualities matters – the dating version of “show, don’t tell”. Are you interacting with folks so that they have a chance to get to know you and see these great qualities? You make your friends laugh and that’s great… are you talking to women and helping them have a good time? Are you creating opportunities for folks to sample your cooking?

Similarly, there’s a question of how often you’re seeing people and having a chance for them to get to know you. Having a great sense of humor doesn’t mean you roll up on a stranger, do your tight five and get straight into someone’s panties – attraction, especially the kind of attraction that leads to relationships – is built over time. Despite how it feels, the love-at-first-sight-leap-into-a-relationship-with-someone-you-just-met dynamic isn’t how most people operate. This can lead to short-term, casual hook-ups, but not anything that actually lasts – not without some actual substance to back up the initial sense of attraction.

Most people meet someone and attraction is built as they get to know each other. This is part of why most folks meet their partners through shared activities or mutual friends. It’s also why propinquity – how often someone sees you, interacts with you and so on – is one of the most powerful, yet under-appreciated forces in attraction. The more time we spend with someone, the more likely we are to form a friendship or romantic relationship with them.

This is why I talk about “dating slow” – a lot of folks struggle with dating because they’re trying to speed-run attraction and it just doesn’t work like that. Even people that are conventionally attractive find that relationships take time. Conventional attractiveness certainly makes the initial connection easier, but it’s not a guarantee of anything. There are men and women who are stupidly hot that struggle to meet people and to find relationships.

And someone being attracted to you doesn’t necessarily guarantee that they’ll make a move. Women are just as shy and worried about rejection as men are. Even when they think a guy is the hottest thing since World War III, they may not feel like they can say or do something about it, for all kinds of reasons.

And there’s also the fact that people in general are bad at picking up when folks are flirting with them.

So yeah, it’s entirely possible to be desirable and still be single. You could be hot as hell as a straight man, but if most of the women around you are either not interested in straight men, not single or not interested in romance with anyone, then it doesn’t do you any more good than having millions of dollars’ worth of bitcoin that you can’t convert into fiat currency.

There is always an element of luck when it comes to dating. I’m fond of saying that meeting a potential partner is a matter of right person, right place and right time, and if those three factors don’t come together, it’s not going to happen. You can be in the right place where your perfect match would be… but you showed up at the wrong time. That’s not because of anything wrong with you, it’s just pure random chance. Dating isn’t math, it’s blackjack; you can improve your odds by playing “correctly”, but you can still lose.

Or to put it another way: even if you’re rolling with advantage in D&D, you can still roll a critical fail.

The best thing you can do is focus on maximizing your odds. You want to be looking for the people you’re most compatible with and spending time where those people are likely to hang out, getting to know folks and spending time with them to take advantage of propinquity, and to use those opportunities to demonstrate your desirable qualities.

That means making sure your style and presentation are on point, being social, interacting with folks – including people you’re not trying to date, building your social network and looking for (or creating) opportunities. If you become part of a community at, say, your local tabletop gaming store and make friends there, hosting a regular cookout or dinner party and encouraging them to invite friends means that not only are you creating an opportunity to show off your skill in the kitchen, but you’re creating greater opportunities to meet people by having friends invite their friends.

Yeah, this takes work. Yeah, it takes a certain amount of trial and error, and it’s certainly frustrating. This is why I’m a big advocate of embracing the things you love and finding ways of doing them that help you meet people; that makes the process less of a hassle and more something you enjoy. You’re getting to do things you’re passionate about while meeting folks who are also interested in those things – that’s far more enjoyable than forcing yourself to go to bars you hate to talk to people you don’t like.

But like I’m always saying: nobody said that this would be easy; just that it would be worth it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve got a problem. I’m 16, a high-school sophomore, and I’m really interested in a girl in my class, and I really need some advice on how to get her to notice me. Here’s the thing tho: she’s already got a boyfriend. I know it sounds sketchy, but hear me out.

So, this girl, let’s call her Emily, is incredibly cool. She’s got this killer sense of humor and she’s crazy smart and always says things that make me laugh. And I’m going to be honest: she’s hot too. I spend a lot of time on her Insta and Snapchat where she’s always posting pics of herself and her friends and I just can’t stop checking her out. But it’s not all shallow, I promise. The more I get to know her, the more I think we’d be perfect together. We’re both into the same music, movies, and even some low-key nerdy stuff. It’s kinda wild how much we have in common.

The problem is Emily’s current BF. Dude’s a f--king idiot and so not her type. He’s like every jock ever who thinks he’s just king s--t because he plays a stupid game (JV, even, not the top team), and it’s obvious he doesn’t appreciate Emily the way she deserves. He’s always flirting with other girls – I’ve caught him creeping on other girls’ pics with his finsta – and doesn’t seem to care about her feelings. It pisses me off just thinking about it.

Now, I ain’t gonna lie, I’m not exactly the most popular guy in school or anything, but I know I’d treat her way better than jackass jerk jock, you know? I’d actually listen to her, be there for her, and just make her feel special, all that. But, like, how do I even begin to show her that when she’s all wrapped up in her current relationship?

Doc, can you give me some tips on how to catch Emily’s eye without coming off as a total creep? I don’t wanna be that guy, but I know we’d be awesome together. Is there a way to squeeze him out, maybe help her realize he’s a tool and just help her see what she could have with me?

Thanks a bunch, man. Looking forward to your advice!

I’m Mr. Right Here

DEAR I’M MR. RIGHT HERE: Letters like this make me glad I’m not a teenager anymore. The constant confusion, self-inflicted drama and feeling all those feelings without any goddamn clue how to handle them…

OK IMRH, let’s dispense with this right off the bat: it’s cool that you think you’re her perfect guy and all, but you know who actually gets to decide who’s right for her?

That’d be Emily.

Here’s the thing: you’re falling for the classic “nice guy/girls-like-assholes” fallacy, where “asshole” really means “dude as what has what I want”. You’re working from limited information about Emily and SuperJock’s relationship ­– you’re only seeing a fraction of a fraction of their time together, drawing conclusions from facts not in evidence and letting your crush on Emily (and jealousy of her boyfriend) fill in the blanks. You have no idea what the two of them are like when you’re not around, what sort of things they do together or what interests they share, or how he actually treats her when you aren’t around to see. You’re basing your idea that he doesn’t or can’t like or respect her like you do on wishful thinking and fantasy, not reality. For all you know, he’s into the same things she is, or that she’s way more into his interests than in the ones you supposedly share. You’re seeing a very limited slice of his life and hers, and what you see at school is never going to be the full picture. Neither, for that matter, is what either of them share over social media; social media is always going to be a highly-curated, deceptive view of someone.

Neither, for that matter, do you know what their relationship is like. You say you’ve caught him creeping on other girls’ Instagram pics… but do you know whether Emily is unaware of this? Since you don’t indicate that you and Emily are friends or that you actually talk all that often, you have no way of knowing what they’re up to behind closed doors. She could well be aware that her boyfriend’s looking at other girls’ pics and doesn’t care. And if she is ignorant of it… well, it’s not your relationship and not your business. Sticking your nose in, especially when you’re not already friends to begin with, is just you trying to justify breaking them up so that you can swoop in and take her for yourself.

But let’s say you do reveal that he’s got a wandering eye. Do you think that she’s going to thank you? Do you think that she’s going to be grateful to you if the two of them break up? And – importantly – do you really think that after she has a tumultuous break up that she’s just going to be open to anyone rolling up and saying “you ditched the zero now get with the hero?”

If they do break up – whether you’re involved or not – you’re in no way guaranteed a chance with her. Especially if you don’t have a pre-existing relationship already. You could well engineer their break up – or see it happen organically – and then see her go out with someone else entirely, while still being unaware that you’re interested. She may even go out with another jock.

And here’s another thing to consider: if you care about her and want what’s best for her, why are you not allowing her to decide what’s best? If you respect her the way you say, then you want to respect her choices, too. Declaring that you know better than she does is presumptive at best, out and out insulting at worst.

But let’s say you’re right and you’re objectively the best possible person she could date at your school. The way you prove this is by demonstrating it, not just stating it loudly. Anybody can say “I’m the best, you should be with me,” but that means nothing if you can’t actually back it up. So if you want her to see you as a possible match, you have to actually be living those qualities. And not in some flashy, show-off-y “look at me” way. That’s going to be come off as way too try-hard and be more likely to turn her off. Living your best life and being your best self is going to be a better way of demonstrating your superior qualities.

But as I’m often saying: you can’t Be Your Best Self at someone. You have to just… live your life and hope that other people pick up on it. Maybe embracing your best self will raise your profile and she’ll notice you, but if you focus just on getting noticed, you’re not going to get as far. After all, getting noticed or getting attention is easy. S--t on the floor in the cafeteria and everyone is going to notice and pay attention.

Instead, my recommendation is to make the most of your high-school years, without making Emily the focus. Volunteer around school, join some clubs, join a team or band or debate, s--t maybe even play some sports. Use this time to explore who you are as a person, find the things you’re good at or interested in and pursue those. They may lead to her noticing you… or they may not. But they’ll make your life better overall, and it’ll get you ready for life after high-school… which is far more important.

Because here’s the hard truth, IMRH: this is a high-school crush, and the vast, vast majority of high-school relationships don’t last past graduation. Many don’t last between grades. Despite what people tell you, high-school isn’t the best or most important time of your life, and despite how pop-culture makes it seem, these relationships are going to be much more fleeting than you realize. These years are essentially training for the next stage of your life, whether that’s college, learning a trade or some other choice.

Your feelings for Emily are intense, sure, but that’s because you’re young. I would be willing to bet you $20 cash that by your senior year, you’ll have moved on from her and fallen for someone else. And even if not, after graduation, you will almost certainly move on.

So spend less time worrying about who Emily is dating and focus instead on figuring out who you are, what makes you tick and what you can do to live your best life. Take full advantage of what your school has to offer and the opportunities presented to you. Make a point of being more social, cultivating your social skills, making more friends, and you may find yourself in a “king of the school” role too – different from Captain Got-Yo-Girl, sure, but still popular or important. Maybe Emily will notice. Maybe you’ll meet someone who does notice and is an even better match that Emily – someone you’ve actually talked to and connected with. But even if not, you’ll still be setting yourself up for success after high-school… when your life really will begin.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com