DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve (24/M) been interested in “Mary-Anne” (26/F) for a while now, ever since she was introduced to my circle of friends by a mutual. She’s practically like someone built my perfect woman in a lab. She’s beautiful, intelligent, and funny, we’re both gamers and love D&D and stuff like Critical Role. I could listen to her talk for hours because she’s got wild ideas and theories about stuff and even if I don’t agree or think she’s wrong, they’re at least fascinating or hilarious.

The problem is, I’m having trouble figuring out if she’s interested in me too. We got along great from the first time we met, we DM each other often outside of the group chat my friends and I have, we’ve hung out in groups and gone to events together, so I know she at least likes me a little. I just don’t know HOW.

The problem is that I can’t seem to read her signals. Sometimes I think she’s flirting with me, but other times she’s just friendly. For example, she’ll laugh at my jokes and touch my arm, but then she’ll mention another guy she’s interested in or say that we’re just friends.

I’ve tried to initiate one-on-one time with her, but I always have to chase her down. I’m usually the one who starts the conversation (she does occasionally message me, first), and she always seems to be busy or unavailable. When we do hang out, it’s because we’re at the same group things together. We’ll spend time talking when it’s just us at them, so I don’t know what would be different about it just being her and me, not her and me and four or five other people. What’s the difference between coming outside to keep talking to me when I need to smoke and going out, just us, if everyone else is in a different room or different part of the house? I don’t know if she’s intentionally avoiding being alone with me, or if it’s just a coincidence.

I’m starting to feel frustrated because I don’t know if she’s interested in me romantically or if I’m just stuck in the friend zone. I don’t want to ruin our friendship by making a move if she’s not interested, but I also don’t want to miss my chance.

Why is she cool with hanging out with me alone when we’re out with other people, but doesn’t want to see me when it’s just us?

Thank you for your help.

Sincerely,

Doesn’t See The Difference

DEAR DOESN’T SEE THE DIFFERENCE: This one’s easy, DSTD, but I’m afraid it’s not what you want to hear. She likes you, but not the way you hope.

She knows you’re interested in her as more than a friend. She’s also almost certainly hoping that you’re going to pick up on the “not interested in you as a lover” vibe, so she doesn’t have to make things awkward by turning you down directly.

So here’s the thing: I tell people all the time not to assume too much based on any one point of data. If you’re having a hard time trying to get someone to spend time with you because they’re always busy or always have a scheduling conflict, that doesn’t mean they’re trying to avoid you. People can be stupidly busy and not have the time or energy to spend time with people, even people they really would like to see. Similarly, not being the first to initiate a message or to DM someone doesn’t mean that they’re not into you; sometimes they’re afraid to message first because they worry about bothering you. Other times, that’s just the dynamic of how your friendship works.

But to paraphrase the sage: one sign of potential disinterest is happenstance. Two is coincidence. Three is enemy acti^H^H^H a message.

Case in point: she’s cool with being alone with you at parties or group get togethers, but doesn’t seem interested in doing stuff with you, solo. The difference, in the words of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, is “the implication.”

That is: what is the unspoken, hidden meaning or subtext of the interaction, you’re having?

If, for example, you’re all at a friend’s house to watch Critical Role’s Twitch stream – to pull a random example – and she comes outside with you to continue the conversation you were having while you take a smoke break, there’s going to be a different subtext to the interaction than if you two were out, just the two of you.

The fact that this is a group event, something you’re both attending specifically because you’re hanging out with mutual friends in the same space, means that this isn’t going to have the same subtext as the two of you going out to do something together. She’s willing to hang out with you individually, at group events, because the implication isn’t romantic or sexual. She likes talking to you and wants to keep the conversation going, but there’s always that subtext of “this is a friends group event” to it. In all likelihood, she’s relying on that subtext to discourage you from seeing it as an opportunity to be romantic. Since you clearly are hesitant to actually try to say anything where other people may overhear or interrupt, this means that you’re less likely to say the unspoken thing she knows is there and is trying to avoid.

If it were just the two of you, from start to finish, with the intention of it just being the two of you out together, doing stuff… well, you’re clearly bringing the implication that this is a date-like activity. I suspect that if you weren’t giving of the “I really want to date you” vibes, then she’d be more inclined to hang out as friends. As long as the implication that this is ­– or could be – a date, then she’s going to have reasons why she can’t make it.

In other words, while any one thing she’s doing could be an unfortunate coincidence, putting it all together makes it pretty clear that she’s giving you a soft “no”; that is, the subtext to her action is that she is cool with being your friend, but doesn’t want to have to make things overt. She likes you… but she’s a little worried about how you’ll take it if she turns the subtext into text.

And honestly… it’s hard to blame her. Almost every woman out there can tell you about a guy she thought of as just a friend who tried to pull Schrodinger’s Date on her, where they were both on and not on a date, depending on how she reacted. And just as many can tell you: a lot of guys they thought of as friends reacted badly when they were turned down directly. So the odds are good that she’s had this happen to her before, and she’s trying to avoid it this time around with you.

Are you likely to turn into a hate-fueled rage monster by getting a direct “no” instead of a soft, socially acceptable rejection that doesn’t underline a lack of romantic interest? Probably not. But too many women – likely including Mary-Anne – have had it happen to them. So rather than risking a negative response, having a way of waving you off that doesn’t directly hit you in the ego feels like the safer choice.

I suspect you already know this; you just don’t want it to be true. You’re hoping for a different answer, which is why you’re reaching out to me instead. You want reasons to hold onto hope instead of letting go of this particular crush. Trust me: I have been there, done that and wrote the cringy LiveJournal posts about it.

It sucks, I know. But this is one of those times that you have to remember that having a crush on someone doesn’t mean that they’re going to be the last person you ever feel like this for, or that giving up on making that crush come to fruition is a betrayal of your sense of self.

If you genuinely enjoy spending time with her, then I think the best thing you can do is accept her friendship on the terms she’s offering and let this awkward crush fade. And while I know it’s hard – especially the way you feel right now – don’t take this as a judgement on you as a person.

You aren’t going to be able to fully appreciate this now, but hopefully this will be a comfort to you later, when the sting isn’t so fresh: just because someone doesn’t like you the way you want doesn’t mean they don’t like you at all or the best that they can.

She likes you, DSTD. Just not the way you hoped. Be her friend instead. Friendship isn’t second place to love; it’s a reward in its own right.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in my late 20s and am living a life I really enjoy. I work an interesting job and regularly go to cool movies, bookstores, hiking trails, concerts, and comedy shows, and the like.

The caveat is that I do all these things alone. I hang out with friends sometimes but I don’t see them often, as they are rarely available (and if I only went to places when my friends were available, I’d never leave my apartment).

I bring this up because I think my lack of regular social interaction makes me ill-equipped to date. I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life and I can’t help but feel I’ve missed out.

The few women I’ve had sex with phased me out as soon as we hooked up. The women I “cold approach” or outright ask out always react uncomfortably (I could be misreading that but either way, I don’t get a date this way. It probably doesn’t help that I look odd being out at places alone.). Other women I meet are only interested in being friends, which is totally fine, but then they become like my other friends who ghost me and rarely make time to hang out.

I relied on dating apps for some time and met some great women that way. However, every woman I dated said the same thing to me after one date: they didn’t want to go on a second date with me because they “didn’t feel a romantic connection” (it’s to the point I suspect they’re just reciting the same script).

At first, I thought my dating inexperience was my issue so I sought to learn from mistakes. I started dressing better, I picked more interesting dates with women I met, I made an effort to engage in better conversations where I really listened to them, and I even proved I wasn’t afraid to make a move. Evidently, none of that mattered because I still got the “I didn’t feel a romantic connection”, even with women I thought I had a lot in common with.

For now, I’m off the apps and prioritizing other areas of my life above dating.

Yet, it still bothers me that I may never have a girlfriend because me having one would apparently break the Laws of Nature. I think there’s just something about me that at best, makes people only want to handle limited amounts of, and at worst, makes them want to outright avoid me. No one can tell me what exactly that is, so I’m left guessing.

If I really felt I was hopeless, I wouldn’t be writing to you. On some level, I think I just need to fix my approach or be more patient. Then things might happen!

However, I don’t think that’s a guarantee and really wonder if maybe I have to accept I’ll never be with anyone.

Your thoughts appreciated!

Sincerely,

Nothing Wrong with Being a Loner

DEAR NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A LONER: Here’s the thing: without following you around and documenting your dates like a romance-focused David Attenborough, it’s hard to say specifically what you’re doing wrong. However, I think there’s enough in your letter to give an idea about what’s going on.

There’re a lot of reasons why someone – or several someones – may not feel chemistry with a person. Sometimes it’s just a matter of incompatibility – there’s something integral to one or both of them that doesn’t mesh in the way that’s necessary for attraction to bloom. But other times, it’s because at least one person or both people aren’t actually creating that spark and are, instead, hoping it just happens.

This is why I think you’re correct, NWBAL: I think your generally solitary lifestyle is having a direct effect on your trying to meet and date women. I’m a big believer that one’s love life is a reflection of your holistic self; many times, any issues you have with regards to love, sex and dating are directly reflected in other areas of your life.

You wouldn’t think that this would be some grand revelation. However, a lot of people have a tendency to think that their love life – from who they meet, who they attract, who they’re attracted to and how people respond to them – are entirely separate from the rest of their lives. So you get people who never leave the house, never talk or interact with other people and have very little going on in their lives outside of work, who’re shocked, shocked, that they aren’t living the playboy lifestyle with hot and cold running sex at all times.

This isn’t to say that everyone needs to be as active as a social butterfly on a cocaine binge in order to date. It does, however, mean that the social skills you bring to dating are the same social skills you use in your daily life; the only difference is the intent behind them and how you put them into practice.

Please note very carefully that I say skills. We don’t call them “social skills” because alliteration in English is especially pleasing to the ear. We call them social skills because they’re just that: skills. They are an ability that you improve with deliberate practice.

That also means that if you don’t practice them, they tend to atrophy.

Now, I mention this because people often have a mistaken idea of what people mean when they talk about “chemistry” or “that spark” that they feel with some people, but not others.

The term “chemistry” is a bit misleading… but not entirely inaccurate. When we talk about “chemistry”, we’re really talking about an emotional state of attraction and interest, not necessarily something involving Bunsen burners, Erlenmeyer flasks and weird colored liquids bubbling and smoking all over the place. If someone isn’t necessarily feeling that chemistry or that spark with someone, they’re saying that they aren’t feeling romantic or sexual attraction to them, rather than “their pheromones aren’t doing it for me.” In many ways, we treat this as a binary – either you feel it or you don’t. If fate hasn’t intervened to put two crazily compatible people together on this date, then there’s just nothing to do but shrug and move on.

However, there is a chemical aspect to attraction, on top of the emotional. Love isn’t just a feeling, it’s oxytocin and dopamine hitting the pleasure centers of our brain. Part of why, for example, couples get weird and schmoopy about one another in the early days of their relationship, it’s in no small part because they’re literally getting high from being around each other. The oxytocin and dopamine and all those other feel-good chemicals are giving them an all-over love buzz, as it were.

But chemistry – metaphorical or literal – between two people doesn’t just “happen” by chance. It’s not a matter of luck or destiny… it’s also something people can create, if they put their mind to it.

What are some of the things that help create those chemicals? Well, amongst other things: physical touch, laughter and good conversation. All things that are well within your capabilities… as long as you put them into practice in the right way, and with the right mindset. You want to pay attention to what feelings you’re trying to generate and how, not just leaving it up to chance.

Building chemistry with another person is a type of social skill; you’re focusing on creating warm, positive feelings in them, feelings that they will attribute to being in your presence. The more that you make people feel good when you’re around, the more that they will subconsciously prioritize their relationship with you – the provider of those good feels – over someone else. This is what’s known as The Reward Theory of Attraction.

The reason I bring all of this up is because you spend a lot of time rolling solo. In and of itself, this isn’t a bad thing. However, if it means that you’re not regularly hanging out with other people and putting those social skills to use – maintaining friendships, making new ones, and so forth – then there’s every likelihood that you’re not keeping those particular skills active. Those skills – the ones you use to make new friends and stay connected with current ones – are the same skills you use to connect with your dates and build attraction; you just implement them in a slightly different manner.

The tell, here, is that you’re having some success with meeting women on dating apps, but less so when you meet people in person, and the women you go on the dates with are bouncing after you get together. While this isn’t unusual in and of itself – I’ve written extensively about how dating apps give a lot of false positives – this level of consistent response tells me that it’s what you’re doing on these dates that’s causing the issue.

It’s good that you’re listening and showing that you’re confident enough to make a move, and it’s good that you’re trying to plan more interesting or unusual dates. That’s a good start. As I said, you’re doing a lot of the right things. However, while you’re on dates, you want to be mindful of the kinds of feelings you’re creating. When we’re talking about that spark of romance, we’re talking about a mix of both good feelings and excitement, not just a mild, pleasant sensation. So if your dates are mostly feeling decent-but-not-terribly-memorable, then you’re not going to generate that spark of interest.

This is part of why flirting, for example, is important. Flirting is both signaling interest, but also creating a feeling of fun and excitement. It’s about building that sense of interest and tension before providing a release.

The same is true of humor. Women say they love a man who can make them laugh for a reason, and one of those reasons is that they demonstrate they know how to make them feel good. Humor frequently works on the same sort of “build-tension-and-release” mechanism as flirting; this is why banter or teasing can be a powerful flirting technique.

Creating feelings of similarity and connection – the sort of excitement of “my god you GET me!” – are another example. Think of the times you met someone and the thrill of connecting with them over having a similar background, taking the same major in college, loving the same movies and so on. Finding those points of commonality, especially the deeper points of similarity, like shared values or backgrounds plays an important role when it comes to creating chemistry.

So, if you’re having conversations where you’re just being a good listener, but you’re not engaging with them, sharing your thoughts as well, relating to what they say and connecting with them on a personal level? That’s going to lead to people not feeing the spark. So if your conversations aren’t mix both making them feel understood and appreciated and being engaging with your insights or experiences, then you’re going to be working with a handicap.

And focusing on those good feelings is part of what makes someone sexy. Part of why some folks have that je ne se quois is because they’re very in tune with their senses and their own body, and with others. Rege-Jean Page made using a spoon seem positively obscene with the level of sensuality he brought to it… and left women everywhere wanting to be that spoon in the worst way. This is one reason why guys who can dance are sexy as hell; they demonstrate a level of awareness of their body and the use of it, their appreciation of the sensual pleasure of music and movement, their level of control, and so on.

Now, I fully acknowledge that it’s easy to say this, but a harder thing to do. One of the tricks with improving your social skills is that you have to put them into practice, and that means practicing with other people. So part of what will help you do better on dates is to work on getting better with people in general. If you can make a friend, you can find a lover. If you can talk to a stranger and build a connection with them, you can get a date.

So my advice to you is to focus and find opportunities to be more social in general, whether this means hanging out more with your co-workers, making small talk with people during the day or taking more time to enjoy your hobbies with other like-minded people. Put those social muscles to work in platonic areas and you’ll find that your non-platonic ventures will show improvement, too.

And yeah, there will be some awkwardness as you do this. You’re trying to work muscles that haven’t been put to full use in a while and you’re going to be trying to do things that may feel unusual or strange at first, and you’ll likely feel a little cringe at points. Push through that; this is just the pain of the unfamiliar and the new. The more you practice at it, the more you’ll find what does and doesn’t work for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My girlfriend of 4 years and I are on the verge of breaking up. She says I’m not as funny or as fun as I used to be and that I treat her more as a friend than as a girlfriend. I honestly don’t see it.

I admit that recently I’ve been feeling generally bored with my life and may be showing it in my attitude, but she’s the best thing to happen to me ever. Do you have any advice on how to show her I still care about her and treat her more like she wants to be treated?

Spark’s Gone Out

DEAR SPARK’S GONE OUT: You’re girlfriend says she’s not feeling appreciated and that you’re treating her more like a friend and less like a girlfriend. You’re not sure you see it.

Ok… can you accept that even if you don’t see it, she does? That her feelings are valid and accurate, even if you’re pretty sure you’re not doing things differently? If you can, then great… you’ve passed the first test: accepting that your girlfriend’s feelings don’t require your buy-in to be real.

The NEXT step is to address what she feels is missing in your relationship. And how do you do that?

Communication, communication, communication.

You need to sit down with your girlfriend and have an Awkward Conversation about what’s going on between the two of you. You have to explain that you understand and accept she’s unhappy, but you sincerely aren’t sure what she means when she says that you’re treating her like a friend and not like a lover. Let her know that you genuinely want to treat her like she deserves and make sure she feels loved and validated and you would appreciate her guidance in what she feels is missing and how you can change that. And then be prepared to wince; it’s probably not going to be pretty.

Some of this could be down to your not expressing love in the ways she is accustomed to receiving it, and you’ll want to make sure that you’re saying “I love you” in a way she understands.

But it could also be that you’ve been settling down and getting used to her. This isn’t unusual in a relationship, especially a long-term one. The early days of a relationship are wonderful, but that initial rush of passion does fade eventually, and the New Relationship Energy dims after the first six months to a year.

Relationships are living things, and living things need to be tended to. Nothing kills a relationship faster than apathy and neglect, which may be what’s happening here. The line from boyfriend to just-friend can sometimes be a thin one, especially over the course of years. While the first days of a relationship are wild and passionate, when the NRE ebbs, couples naturally drift towards a deeper, if calmer relationship based more on connection and intimacy than passion. It can be easy to become comfortable in a relationship to the point that you let things slide; you’re a little more lax about trying to look AS good for her, she doesn’t necessarily feel the need to plan exciting dates and nights out as she might have in the early days. And while the passion WILL come in waves – sometimes high, sometimes low, it still feels different from that all-consuming tsunami that lovers feel in those frantic early days. She may be missing the way things were in the beginning or she may just be yearning for that spark that comes with new relationships.

What can you do about it? Well a good start is to embrace your inner Gomez Addams and fall back in love with your girlfriend. Stop treating her as your girlfriend of four years and treat her the way you did when you were first trying to convince her to go out with you. Take yourself back into the courting phase; flirt with her, pay compliments, make an effort to impress and wow her. Give her the occasional gift just because you thought she’d like it. Reintroduce some surprise and unpredictability into an otherwise predictable and staid relationship.

The reason why Gomez and Morticia are relationship role-models is that they actively maintain their love for each other, even in the face of the tedium of the day to day. You want to take that same energy and joi de vivre and bring it to your relationship with your relationship and give it the same care that you did at the start, whether you’re newly infatuated or you’ve been together for fifty years.

But you should also take a look at your own life, too, and apply some care there. You say that you’re bored with your life, which could well be showing in the way that you’re treating her… so it’s time to shake things up. You need to have passion in your life, not just for your girlfriend but in your every day life. Passion is contagious; when you’re excited about your life, it will spill over into your relationships. You don’t necessarily have to turn your life upside down, pull up stakes and start a brand-new life in the off-world colonies, but find the places where you’re the most bored or dissatisfied and see what can be changed. Maybe it IS time to look into another career. Or perhaps you need something that isn’t work to look forward to – a hobby you’ve neglected, a dream you’ve put on hold, something that makes you excited to get up in the morning and attack the day, knowing that you’ll be able to do this cool thing that you love. Finding that sort of passion easily translates to passion in other areas too; excitement rarely stays contained, after all.

Just having a goal and making progress towards it can bring back that spark you’re missing in your life and in your relationship. If you feel more in control of your life and feel more excited about your future, the more that feeling will bleed into feeling excited about your future with your girlfriend.

But none of this can start until you and she talk about what she feels like she’s missing. Start with that conversation, and you’ll have a good idea of where you can start letting her remember that you see her as the sublime being you fell for all those years ago.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com