DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My girlfriend of 4 years and I are on the verge of breaking up. She says I’m not as funny or as fun as I used to be and that I treat her more as a friend than as a girlfriend. I honestly don’t see it.

I admit that recently I’ve been feeling generally bored with my life and may be showing it in my attitude, but she’s the best thing to happen to me ever. Do you have any advice on how to show her I still care about her and treat her more like she wants to be treated?

Spark’s Gone Out

DEAR SPARK’S GONE OUT: You’re girlfriend says she’s not feeling appreciated and that you’re treating her more like a friend and less like a girlfriend. You’re not sure you see it.

Ok… can you accept that even if you don’t see it, she does? That her feelings are valid and accurate, even if you’re pretty sure you’re not doing things differently? If you can, then great… you’ve passed the first test: accepting that your girlfriend’s feelings don’t require your buy-in to be real.

The NEXT step is to address what she feels is missing in your relationship. And how do you do that?

Communication, communication, communication.

You need to sit down with your girlfriend and have an Awkward Conversation about what’s going on between the two of you. You have to explain that you understand and accept she’s unhappy, but you sincerely aren’t sure what she means when she says that you’re treating her like a friend and not like a lover. Let her know that you genuinely want to treat her like she deserves and make sure she feels loved and validated and you would appreciate her guidance in what she feels is missing and how you can change that. And then be prepared to wince; it’s probably not going to be pretty.

Some of this could be down to your not expressing love in the ways she is accustomed to receiving it, and you’ll want to make sure that you’re saying “I love you” in a way she understands.

But it could also be that you’ve been settling down and getting used to her. This isn’t unusual in a relationship, especially a long-term one. The early days of a relationship are wonderful, but that initial rush of passion does fade eventually, and the New Relationship Energy dims after the first six months to a year.

Relationships are living things, and living things need to be tended to. Nothing kills a relationship faster than apathy and neglect, which may be what’s happening here. The line from boyfriend to just-friend can sometimes be a thin one, especially over the course of years. While the first days of a relationship are wild and passionate, when the NRE ebbs, couples naturally drift towards a deeper, if calmer relationship based more on connection and intimacy than passion. It can be easy to become comfortable in a relationship to the point that you let things slide; you’re a little more lax about trying to look AS good for her, she doesn’t necessarily feel the need to plan exciting dates and nights out as she might have in the early days. And while the passion WILL come in waves – sometimes high, sometimes low, it still feels different from that all-consuming tsunami that lovers feel in those frantic early days. She may be missing the way things were in the beginning or she may just be yearning for that spark that comes with new relationships.

What can you do about it? Well a good start is to embrace your inner Gomez Addams and fall back in love with your girlfriend. Stop treating her as your girlfriend of four years and treat her the way you did when you were first trying to convince her to go out with you. Take yourself back into the courting phase; flirt with her, pay compliments, make an effort to impress and wow her. Give her the occasional gift just because you thought she’d like it. Reintroduce some surprise and unpredictability into an otherwise predictable and staid relationship.

The reason why Gomez and Morticia are relationship role-models is that they actively maintain their love for each other, even in the face of the tedium of the day to day. You want to take that same energy and joi de vivre and bring it to your relationship with your relationship and give it the same care that you did at the start, whether you’re newly infatuated or you’ve been together for fifty years.

But you should also take a look at your own life, too, and apply some care there. You say that you’re bored with your life, which could well be showing in the way that you’re treating her… so it’s time to shake things up. You need to have passion in your life, not just for your girlfriend but in your every day life. Passion is contagious; when you’re excited about your life, it will spill over into your relationships. You don’t necessarily have to turn your life upside down, pull up stakes and start a brand-new life in the off-world colonies, but find the places where you’re the most bored or dissatisfied and see what can be changed. Maybe it IS time to look into another career. Or perhaps you need something that isn’t work to look forward to – a hobby you’ve neglected, a dream you’ve put on hold, something that makes you excited to get up in the morning and attack the day, knowing that you’ll be able to do this cool thing that you love. Finding that sort of passion easily translates to passion in other areas too; excitement rarely stays contained, after all.

Just having a goal and making progress towards it can bring back that spark you’re missing in your life and in your relationship. If you feel more in control of your life and feel more excited about your future, the more that feeling will bleed into feeling excited about your future with your girlfriend.

But none of this can start until you and she talk about what she feels like she’s missing. Start with that conversation, and you’ll have a good idea of where you can start letting her remember that you see her as the sublime being you fell for all those years ago.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Earlier this year, I made the mistake of misinterpreting a coworker’s friendly behavior for affection and told her I had feelings for her. She shot me down after 2+ months of silent treatment. I’m on the autism spectrum and must cope with social anxiety, and this freaked me out for a while, but I eventually recovered. So, I’m in the “Friend Zone” or some other form of limbo, which a part of me can accept. But that and just the stress of having a high-anxiety job and trying to interpret others’ behavior made me sort of “shut down” and defriend her and other coworker/friends on Facebook. She’s kind of high-anxiety, too, (though not a “neuroatypical”) and understands.

You’re a doctor of love and not psychology, but I was wondering what tips you have for dealing with the stress of interacting on a regular basis with someone you had feelings for. Especially when you’re in a situation when you’re forced to rely on each other to succeed in a 60-hour a week job. Other than finding other prospects, which I’m in the process of doing.

Or, what advice do you have to suspend that part of yourself that makes you question your behavior/ perceptions and the behavior of others?

Any tips for relaxation you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

Stress Middle Management

DEAR STRESS MIDDLE MANAGEMENT: This was a difficult situation for you, SMM, and I understand how it must have felt. I’ll be the first to tell you: getting shot down can be humiliating. Getting shot down because you completely misread the entire situation feels even worse. Not only do you feel judged – because it’s hard NOT to feel that way when you’re rejected – but now you feel the additional sting of embarrassment and humiliation of having misread the situation. Now you’re not just feeling as though someone said “you’re not good enough for me”, but you’re feeling like ten pounds of idiot in a five pound sack, wondering how you could possibly have misunderstood things.

Then when you add the fact that you were rejected by a co-worker, when you know you’ll have to see her on the daily, AND feel like now everybody at work knows your business… I can absolutely understand how this would trigger an anxiety issue in you. This would feel like every socially awkward kid’s nightmare come to life, only in vivid, screaming color.

So you have my sympathies for what happened, and the shoulder-punch of solidarity because while I haven’t had your exact scenario, I’ve had far too many cringe moments of asking the wrong person out at the wrong possible time, in ways that were likely even more awkward and cringe that yours.

Been there, done that, welcome to the club, we have t-shirts. And none of us want to be members.

However, as someone who’s the founding member, president and club treasurer, I have experience to share with you on this matter. As much as the rejection can sting and as embarrassed as you feel right now, I think you may have over-reacted. Taking the nuclear option of blocking your crush and your fellow co-workers on social media wasn’t really necessary. This is the sort of thing I recommend for break-ups, when you need distance to heal that you can’t get when Instagram or TikTok is constantly shoving your ex in your face. And quite frankly, I really don’t think you need to get another job.

Your situation was, honestly, a really misunderstanding. It’s something that almost everybody can relate to and sympathize with,. It’s absolutely not something that would require you to drop everything and flee to another place where nobody knows your shame.

This situation doesn’t sound like there was some great breach of trust, but rather than just a moment of social awkwardness. I know you’re feeling a lot of loud feels about it, but I suspect that you could’ve just muted your coworkers’ profiles for a bit until things settled down at work.

Don’t get me wrong, I can absolutely understand wanting to manage your anxiety and feelings of humiliation and to shove all of this into the memory hole. But in all likelihood, this is the sort of thing where everyone will have forgotten about it in the span of time it takes to drink a beer and head home for the weekend.

But here’s something for you to take forward with you: while I know – oh, believe me, I know – that it can feel as though the world is crashing in on you, a polite “hey, I like you and I’d like to take you on a date” really isn’t a big deal in the greater scheme of things. Yes, even when it happened because you misread the situation. It’s a bit embarrassing, but literally EVERYONE has experienced this at one point or another, and only the real assholes will hold this against you. Most folks will grin ruefully at their own embarrassing stories, and this will ultimately be a half-forgotten anecdote, something you bring up with friends when you’re comparing dumb things you did when you were younger.

I promise: this will pass. Unless you’re working with assholes, this will almost certainly become moment of “…and we shall never speak of this again.”

Well, as I said, unless and until you find that you’re able to laugh at how young and dumb you were and how you make new and BETTER mistakes now.

In the meantime, you are working at a job that requires trust and coordination with your co-workers. How do you continue working with someone you had a crush on and shot you down? This is simple: you act like the professional you are. You focus on the job at hand and you keep your interactions short, polite and focused on work. Eventually, you’ll both get to a point where you’re ready, willing and able to power through a moment of awkward and go back to being friends.

Now as for your anxiety issues, if they’re as bad as you say, you should probably talk to a psychiatrist; there are a number of medications that can help treat anxiety disorders. However, if you can’t get to a doctor, or your doctor doesn’t feel like things are bad enough to warrant medication – and you feel that you need a second opinion, then you may want to work on practicing some calming techniques that will help keep you level and calm in the moment. Mindfulness meditation, for example, can help teach you how to handle those intrusive thoughts that can come with an anxiety spike; they teach you how to gently redirect your attention, instead of trying to force those feelings away. Cognitive behavioral therapy can also be good for helping you manage your anxiety; there are a number of self-directed CBT exercises from sites like MoodGym, which can be a starting point as you learn to keep the anxiety under control. And if you need a quick and easy way to help calm yourself down, focus on your breathing. By controlling your breath, you control your heart rate. If you slow your heart rate, your anxiety levels will lower; you literally can’t be anxious when your heart rate is at a reasonable level.

To do this, you want to pay attention to your breath and slow your breathing down. Breathe in through your nose for a count of four, hold it for a count of two, then breathe out through your mouth for a count of eight. Repeat this as many times as needed: breathing in slowly, holding it, then breathing out slowly. ��As you do this, you’ll likely become more aware of your body. You’ll feel your heart beat, you’ll notice the tension in your muscles and the way you’re holding yourself. As you breathe, feel your heart rate start to slow. Start to pay attention to the tension in your jaw and let it relax. Lower your shoulders, let your arms hang lose and let your muscles unclench as you convince your body that no, you don’t need all that adrenaline just now, thanks.

It takes practice, but soon it’ll become second nature. And once you feel more confident that you have your anxiety under control, you’ll feel more confident about other areas of your life as well.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been involved in a long distance situationship (intimate friends) for 3 years, and we live in different, adjoining states. We met once, then became friends online, and that is where it blossomed.

I have visited her once and it was a very intimate and fun experience for both of us, although she did mention once or twice while I was there that she noticed my body order. I took care of it asap every time, it didn’t seem like a big deal.

Anyway, we have been planning on another visit but she keeps bringing up the BO problem and has even said “if it is as bad as last time, you have to get a hotel and can’t stay with me”. Which is confusing because we were very intimate last time and she didn’t seem to mind, she was enjoying herself and I quite a bit and said so for weeks afterwards.

Should I just take her advice and be super diligent about BO or is this emotional manipulation or gas lighting of some sort?

My close friends tell me they never notice my body odor and I bathe once to twice daily and use deodorant every day as well as brush multiple times a day.

Also, and here’s the dinger, she has untreated BPD. What do I do?

What A Lovely Smell You’ve Discovered

DEAR WHAT A LOVELY SMELL YOU’VE DISCOVERED: Not gonna lie, WALSYD, I’m not entirely sure why you went immediately to emotional manipulation and/or gaslighting, especially when there are a lot of other potential explanations here. Absent other examples of manipulative or gaslight-y behavior, this seems like one hell of a jump to make – especially on the strength of “she had issues with my body odor that my friends don’t.”

My first thought would be to ask how she delivered this particular ultimatum. If this were over text, then it’s possible that her tone might not have carried over. What was intended to be a gentle teasing may have come across as being blunt and cold without the vocal cues to indicate meaning and intent.

But let’s say that this wasn’t an issue of meaning getting lost in the medium and it really was an issue about how you smelled at the time. This is no small thing; scent is probably the most influential of our senses, because of how our olfactory nerves connect to our brain. Scent is linked to memory and recall and may even be a subconscious signal of overall genetic compatibility.

The fact that your friends never noticed anything particularly pungent about you but she did doesn’t mean that she didn’t have a legitimate issue. One possibility is that it was circumstantial – something that wouldn’t have come up ordinarily during your day to day life that did come up when you were seeing her.

To give an example from my personal life of how this could work: not long ago, as we were laying on the couch and watching TV, my wife turned to me and said “ok, this is weird but your feet really smell bad tonight.” This was odd, as normally I don’t have an issue with foot odor; my wife even mentioned that when she brought it up.

As it turns out, the flip-fops I’d been wearing around the house had a mildew issue and the smell rubbed off on my feet, creating the problem. I couldn’t smell it – we’re all very used to our own scent, after all – but it was certainly noticeable to her. It’s also not something that would have cropped up under other circumstances.

So, is it possible that there was something – something in your clothes, your shoes, even something that you may have eaten – that would’ve caused a (literal) stink? This may even be things like the deodorant or hair products you use, the detergent you use on your clothes or any lotions or moisturizers you might put on.

Similarly, some people are just very sensitive to scents and smells, to the point that even slight fragrances, things that would be otherwise unremarkable to most, can trigger allergy-like symptoms, including migraines or difficulty breathing. Fragrance sensitivity isn’t common, but it’s not entirely unknown either. It could be possible that this is an issue for her.

Or it could just be that there’s something about your personal chemistry that hits wrong for her, in a way that it doesn’t for your friends. This comes up more often than people would think, and in odd ways. Sometimes we may realize we don’t like kissing someone because they taste weird or off-putting to us – not because they’ve been neglecting their teeth or need to use some Listerine, but because there’s a literal chemical incompatibility.

I think you need to talk to your friend about what she said and precisely what the issue was when you were visiting last time. Getting more detail about what was bothering her and why can help you pin down what the most likely culprit was. If it were more circumstantial – you had some serious road-trip funk going on – then you know what you can do differently, next time. Same thing with what you ate – strongly flavored or scented foods can affect how we smell, not just our breath. Anyone who’s familiar with post-coffee or post-asparagus urine smell has experienced this in action. If you eat a lot of garlic or other spices, for example, it can affect your body odor. If that’s the case, then making sure you have strong mints – Altoids, for example or other candies that use mint oil – can help mitigate the after effects of a particularly pungent meal.

Similarly, if she’s someone who has fragrance sensitivities, then you may want to double and triple check your toiletries and cleaning products for artificial scents and fragrances. There’re a number of fragrance-free options out there, and keeping some on hand for when the two of you are visiting will be a game changer for you both.

But if it really is just a case that she’s not into your natural scent – even if it’s fine to others – then this is ultimately a case of the two of you having an incompatibility on a fundamental level. This sucks, don’t get me wrong, but there’s not really much to be done about it. Now, it seems like you were able to address the issue the last time; if that worked well enough and you want to keep things going, then you’ll just have to accept being diligent about it when you see her as part of the price of entry.

If that is too much of a headache, especially on top of a long-distance relationship, then hey, that’s entirely legit. Everyone’s got the right to say “ok, this is more than I’m willing to do for the sake of this relationship” and call things.

However, I would suggest not leaping to the idea that she’s trying to gaslight you, borderline personality disorder or not. Having BPD doesn’t make people into manipulative s--ts, it’s a condition that impairs emotional regulation and can trigger deep and powerful anxieties regarding being abandoned or left by their partner. This can occasionally manifest by extreme swings in mood, negative self-image and impulsive outbursts triggered by those fears. Absent other evidence, I wouldn’t chalk this up to her trying to manipulate you or control you. Scent and odor are incredibly personal and what is delicious or fragrant to one person can be repulsive to someone else.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com