DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I saw this handsome guy who had braided his hair around Takoradi market circle seated in front of a shop with another guy who had also weaved his hair. we gazed at each other a lot. He start to follow me around but he couldn’t talk to me neither did I cos I was with my dad and bro now I regret not approaching him and I don’t know where he is now and I can’t stop thinking about him.

What do I do now Dr?

Want A Second Opportunity

DEAR WANT A SECOND OPPORTUNITY: This is going to sound like an odd digression WASO, especially if you didn’t live in America in a very specific point and time, but stick with me for a moment.

You know what I kinda miss? I miss the “Missed Connections” section of personals. Whether it was the classic alt-weekly page-filler or the best part of Craigslist, Missed Connections were just a gold mine. For every “you blinked twice at me while also being unspeakably hot, clearly we’re soulmates” entry, you would have dozens of flash-fiction stories, little moments of human connection in 200 words or fewer. So many little points of time when you can practically see the branching arcs of their stories, little hits of possibility that range from brief conversations to living lifetimes in the span of one evening, Before Sunrise-style.

And so many of these stories hinge on the tension between a burgeoning attraction and the fear that these moments are more ephemeral than a soap bubble and more easily lost than tears in the rain.

And most of the time a reminder that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

(The rest of the time, they’re a reminder that computers and phones will go dead at the most inconvenient times, so keeping pen and paper on hand will never go out of style.)

But while the romantic in me likes those stories and I can turn off the dating-coach part of my brain long enough to appreciate them as stories, they’re still often a case of someone making a mountain out of a molehill and mistaking physical attraction for… well, something far less fleeting.

Now I mention this precisely because that’s what we have here, WASO. For all that it feels like the opening lyrics to an old standard – some enchanted afternoon, you’ll see a stranger… – this is just a moment. You saw a really pretty man and had a moment where your stomach did flip-flops. That’s ultimately all it was. Everything after that is your brain filling in a whole lot of blank spaces and “what ifs” based on nothing more than “really handsome guy at the market looked at me”. It’s very easy to regret those because now that missed connection is literally anything you could want it to be. He could be a gangster with a heart of gold who needs the love of a special woman to show him a different way of life. He could be a tech entrepreneur visiting his old haunts with a friend from back in the day, whose life of wealth and influence is lacking someone to show him what’s important in life. Or he could be the impulsive, devil-may-care kind of person who lives every moment of his life to the fullest and wants to show you the beauty and adventure of the world around you.

None of this is to say that he might not have been an awesome guy, don’t get me wrong. It’s just worth remembering that you don’t know anything about him other than his looks and that you missed your chance to learn more. Everything after that is just an exercise of your imagination, letting him become whatever he represents to you.

So what do you do now? Well… you can always revisit the market and hope that fate’s willing to smile on you twice. There’s a non-zero chance that you could run into him again if he and his friend hang out there regularly. But if I’m being honest… this is a long shot, and the odds that you’ll run into him are very, very low.

What I’d suggest is that you take a lesson from this: fate (or God, the Force, or the Universe) may show you a door, but you have to make the choice to walk through it. Luck is more than just random chance taken personally; luck is what happens when you’re in a position to make the most of an moment that presents itself to you. The people who we see as being “lucky” tend to be the ones who don’t hesitate when they see an opportunity and try to take full advantage. If you see someone who gives you those butterflies and flip-flops, and your family isn’t going to prevent you, then swallow those nerves and go say “hello”. If you’re having a conversation with someone you’re into and its going well, be willing to take the initiative and ask for their number or to connect on WhatsApp instead of hoping that they’ll do it first.

Yeah, it can be scary and intimidating, but that’s the thing about leaps of faith: you’re taking a leap without knowing what’s going to happen next. You’re making yourself vulnerable in the moment, with someone you don’t know. That means you’re opening yourself up for the possibility of being rejected or the chance that they’re a case of Crouching Nice Guy, Hidden Douchebag. You run the risk of falling when you make that leap and you have no idea how far down the bottom may be.

And sometimes when you make those leaps, you fly.

But that can’t happen until you take that leap. So enjoy the stories of What Might Have Been with this handsome stranger in the market place. But let it be a reminder that you’re ultimately the one in charge of your own fate; mysterious forces may put you in the same place, but you’re the one who has to make it all happen.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 31-year-old woman who hasn’t done a lot of dating in my life. I had 2 boyfriends in high school, but due to a combination of reasons, haven’t been in a relationship since then. The main thing I want to talk about here is that I have never had sex – never even close!

I started dating a wonderful man a couple months ago. I know he has more experience than I do, and he knows my (lack of) experience, and he has been happy to let me set the pace of our intimacy, both physically and otherwise. And as much as I am really enjoying getting to know him, spending time with him, kissing him, talking to him, etc., I have started to have some creeping anxieties related to physical intimacy.

I was raised in purity culture, and have been deconstructing that for a few years now (and I’m in therapy for that and other reasons!), but it left me with a lingering fear of being touched by most men. My boyfriend is incredibly patient, and he makes me feel safe and comfortable, and I love him touching me – to a certain point. And it’s one thing to deconstruct a belief about sex, and quite another to face the reality that it might actually happen after all this time.

How do I deal with this anxiety? I’m afraid of pain, of course, but I’m also afraid I’ll freeze up, or make it bad for him, and even though I personally have deconstructed, I’m a little afraid of being judged for going on overnight trips with him in the future if those happen. While I am happy to show off some cleavage for him, I am also terrified of him seeing my naked body, and possibly not finding it attractive. I am very attracted to him, and I like him a lot – I want sex to happen! But I have a lot of fears to deal with first, and I don’t know how to do that.

First Time Jitters

DEAR FIRST TIME JITTERS: Anxiety weasels are annoying, FTJ; you may know intellectually that they’re just annoying little bastards that only exist to make you miserable, that there’s nothing real about them and that everything is actually fine… but that doesn’t necessarily make them go away.

Unfortunately, with a lot of forms of anxiety or nerves – especially ones that come from long-standing beliefs or an upbringing like yours – is that you’re trying to uproot things that’ve had decades to dig in. It’s kinda like trying to pull up a tree stump only to realize its root network’s twisted up with the other trees around it and now trying to uproot that one means pulling against other, equally established beliefs.

Which is why I’m a big believer in the “f--k subtlety” school of uprooting and prefer dynamite.

But not everyone wants or need the “where’s the earth-shattering kaboom?” approach to dealing with anxieties… and in your case, I think that part of the problem is that you have an all-or-nothing view of sex that’s causing you to lock up.

Now before we talk about what you can do, let’s take a second to talk about your boyfriend here. You, FTJ, have a really good guy on your hands. He’s being incredibly kind, gentle and caring, giving you time to acclimate, taking things at your pace and generally allowing you to take on these experiences (and their attendant anxieties) at a speed that you’re comfortable with. All of that suggests to me that you don’t need to worry about how he’s going to react. In fact, I suspect that the first time you two do have intercourse (not sex, intercourse), he’s going to be making sure this is all about making sure it’s a good experience for you, not worrying about him. Which, frankly, makes him the sort of partner you’d want for your first time.

Now I think part of what’s tripping you up is that you’re seeing sex as something that’s going to happen all at once – you’re going to go from “letting your boyfriend see your cleavage” and “fun happy make-outs” to “OK, time to demonstrate I’ve read the Kama Sutra” and it really doesn’t have to be like that. In fact, I think you’d do better if it didn’t go like that.

What I would suggest instead is that you continue doing what you’ve been doing: taking things slowly and incrementally at a pace that you can handle. You don’t, for example, have to go straight to “naked in front of him for the first time, now it’s time for penetration!”. You can take things in stages – more intimate physical touch, more sensual make-outs, moving to taking off clothes at a time – as you get more comfortable with each stage. So just because you aren’t necessarily ready for penetration doesn’t mean that you can’t, say, move to touching his penis and letting his hands explore your body over and under your clothes, but with your underwear still on.

You can also try other forms of sex that might be more comfortable for you right now. You could, for example, go old school and try phone sex together; you can let it all happen in the theater of the mind while you and he talk and rub one out in separate rooms. When it’s literally all just in your heads, it can be much easier to let some of your hang-ups go and let everything be as smooth and perfect as you want; it’s all just words and imagination. You can do anything with words and imagination.

Once you’re comfortable with the idea of being sexual, then it becomes easier to to take it from the mental to the physical. And again: you can take it slowly as you get more confident not just in yourself but in your connection to your boyfriend.

You can also detach some of these stages from sex entirely. Instead of making the first time you get naked be right before sex – thus increasing your anxiety – you could make it a more playful but less immediately sexual. You might find it easier to, say, go skinny dipping together, especially if it feels more spur-of-the-moment. A dark night, a pool with a reasonable amount of privacy and oops neither of you brought a swimsuit OH WELL… and then the two of you are splashing around and enjoying yourselves without feeling the need to perform and you’re too distracted by enjoying yourself to worry about being judged.

But about that: I don’t think you have to worry. First and foremost: people generally don’t stick around for months – especially months of relatively restrained physical intimacy – with people they don’t genuinely find attractive and desirable. People who do this also don’t generally do this unless they’re actively invested in the relationship or to put all this time in because they’re just… I dunno, trying to win a particularly f--ked up bet or something.

Your boyfriend has been gentle and patient and kind with you every step of the way. I would be shocked to my goddamn core if he were to then immediately blow all of that, look at you and say “eww” or something equally heinous.

I’d also point out that by the time clothes start coming off, it’s fate accompli. If he wasn’t into you and didn’t think you were hot, he would’ve bounced before now. Clothes can mask a lot of sins but to be perfectly blunt, they don’t hide that much. You’d have to have Kuato coming out of your midsection to really get a “ugh how could I ever have thought I was into you?” reaction. The minor flaws and imperfections that we all have – the ones that we’re convinced are the most horrific things everrrr – are all things that we zero in on because we know they’re there. 99.9% of the people you’ll be intimate with won’t notice and if they do they won’t care. If he’s the sort of person who’d be that crass or cruel, I think he’d have tipped his hand way before now.

But what if the sex is awkward or you’re not the best he’s ever had? Well… so? Not to downplay your worries, but the first time with anyone is always going to be something of a learning experience, because everyone’s coming to sex with different experiences, different desires, different needs and different hard-no’s. Part of being intimate with someone is learning about those differences, how to accommodate them or how to avoid them if needed. In fact, this is one area where queer people have a leg up on us straights: they don’t default to “this is what sex is for everyone”. A lot – even a majority – of queer sexual encounters start with “what are you into?”

What if you make it bad for him? Like i said: I suspect your first couple times will be all about you – he knows what he likes and is into, after all. You, on the other hand are visiting this land for the first time and he’s clearly volunteering to be your tour guide. And as your tour guide, he’s going to want to show you all the cool stuff and maybe some personal favorites. If you can let yourself relax and treat it as someone showing you around a place for the first time so you can get familiar with the area, I think you’ll have a good time. You’ll learn, you’ll experience and you’ll be able to return the favor to him too. As I’m always telling nervous virgin men: a willingness to listen, to pay attention to verbal and non-verbal signals and not letting your ego (or your anxieties) get in the way will help immensely there.

What if you freeze up? Well… you freeze up. And then your boyfriend stops, strokes your hair and your back and you two cuddle until either your nerves have eased or you both decide to get some sleep and try again later.

But you know what makes sex – even for a total newbie – less awkward and more fun? A willingness to just embrace the awkward and have fun. Sex is absurd. Sex is ridiculous. People make the dumbest faces, say the weirdest things, parts poke in places they weren’t supposed to poke, the Spotify playlist skips straight to “Go Go Power Rangers” or the cat decides that it’s going to get incredibly comfortable on the small of your back… even while you’re otherwise occupied. You basically have to laugh at it all because come on.

Sex is too important to take seriously is what I’m saying.

So take a long, slow breath. Take another and breathe it out even slower. Remember that you’ve got a really good guy here and this is something you both really want. You want it to be good for him. He wants it to be good for you.

I think between the two of you, you’ll be able to make things work for each other.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader. I just turned 33 this past Friday and there’s one thing that’s been bothering me since last year. For some reason whenever people (especially older people) ask me if I have any kids or a wife and I say no they act shocked. Last year, my mom’s boyfriend even told me “you’re young, but you’re not THAT young.”

I don’t feel old. I feel fine, but sometimes people say these things that make me feel like I already got one foot in the grave. Like I already missed my shot at living my life to the fullest.

I came from a poor family. I graduated college at 2014 at 24 with a useless theater degree. Then my dad kicked me and my sister and my niece out of the house. I shared an apartment with my sister and immediately entered the workforce to help take care of my niece until they moved out and now I share an apartment with my brother.

I never really dated and I’m a virgin. It never really bothered me until recently. It doesn’t help that I’ve always been poor and I don’t have rich parents to lend me money like everyone else. My dad basically destroyed my credit before I even graduated, so I’m still pulling myself out of that hole.

I was just so focused on trying to break into a career that’s difficult to break into with no money. Did I screw up? Is my life over? Did I miss my chance to date and have fun and fool around? Should I resign to my low paying job with my idiot coworkers?

~Not THAT Young

DEAR NOT THAT YOUNG: Here’s my question, NTY: are you dead? No? Because unless you’ve shuffled off this mortal coil, there’s always the opportunity for change, growth and improvement.

But in order to do any of that? You have to stop holding onto the idea that there’s some sort of time limit to life. This ain’t Logan’s Run, where your life gem starts flashing at 30 and you’re taken off to be recycled and no matter how much the teens on TikTok act like 25 is The End of All Things, nobody is expecting you – or anyone – to accomplish everything in life by your mid 20s or its all over.

Now in fairness, I just crested over the hill of 46 so obviously I’m going to be a bit biased to the “life doesn’t end at 30” side of things. But one of the things that kind of annoys me about the over-celebration of youth as The Ideal is that it gives some people the idea that there’s a ticking clock and a rapidly closing window; if someone hasn’t hit their ideal career/ gotten married/ hit some other arbitrary milestone before you’re… dunno, let’s say 28, just to engage in proctonumerology, that they’re just f--ked.

There’re a lot of reasons why this isn’t true. A lot of folks in their 20s may be starting out in a career, but that may not be the career for them; in fact, the average age people change careers is 39. We live longer on average than previous generations, employment has become much more precarious and job security as our parents generation doesn’t exist and retirement has become less of an inevitability and more of a pipe-dream for many. These have all been seismic shifts to the “traditional” life path – and let’s be real here, that “tradition” mostly applied to middle and upper-middle class white men, not everyone.

There’s also the fact that – as you well know – life doesn’t always flow perfectly smoothly. You came from economic hardship and you’ve had to prioritize things like “taking care of your family” and “not being homeless because your dad screwed your credit and kicked you out of the house”. It’s a lot harder to try to get on a career path, especially in careers that expect you to devote your entire life to work, when you’re more focused on basic survival and helping your sister raise your niece.

Now, being in your 30s will cut you off from certain careers. You’re not likely to make it as a professional athlete, for example. But if you’re not looking to start being a pro boxer or join the AWE, it’s not likely to be as much of an issue as you’d think.

The same goes for losing your virginity, getting married, having kids and so on. You’re at the far end of the bell curve, yes, but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed unless you decide you’re doomed. People can and do build or rebuild social lives from scratch on the regular – people move to new cities for work or new opportunities, their old social circles break up and scatter to the winds or they focused primarily on their education and financial stability rather than sex, love and dating.

You know… like you did. The fact that you’re 33 and have never been married just means that you’re 33 and you haven’t been married yet. That’s it. There’s no magical benefit to getting married or even in a long-term relationship in you 20s (outside of the value of the relationship with that particular person or people), and in fact, marrying young tends to be a recipe for divorcing young too. Waiting until you’re more established in life is hardly a bad thing, especially when – as I said before – you had to prioritize keeping your head above water for years instead.

Not to mention the number of people who’re getting married for the first time in their 40s and 50s is on the rise. So you’re hardly alone or unusual in that. And I might point out you’re also hardly the only person worried that you’re “too old” to date.

But might I point something out, here? I don’t think you have an age problem, I think you have an Other People problem. That is, your problem isn’t you, it’s other people who’re sticking their nose into your business and making you upset with ignorant or unhelpful comments.

I mean, you say it yourself: you weren’t bothered by this until people started making a big deal out of it. That’s the part that I think you should be paying attention to. If you were cool with everything when people weren’t making cracks about it… well what’s changed? If the only thing that’s changed is that other people feel weird about your life, especially people who don’t understand your life or your circumstances… well as I’m often saying, that’s a them problem, not a you problem. Other people are welcome to think that the way you live your life is unusual or weird nor not the path that they would’ve chosen and you’re welcome to tell them to keep their opinions to themselves. In fact I’d suggest that you might want to practice some polite phrases to shut those conversations down. If someone is surprised that you’re not married or have no kids – either yet or ever – then you can just say “It’s not/ hasn’t been a priority for me right now. I’ll meet someone and settle down when the time’s right. Until then I’m doing just fine, thanks.” Anything after that, you can respond with “I said I’m fine, thanks.”

If they persist, you can say “I told you twice now that I’m fine with how things are. That’s the end of the discussion.”

You don’t owe an explanation or rationale for why you’re still single, why you’re not at X point in your career or whatever. If you’re not bothered by it, then that’s ultimately what matters.

But what about that nagging sense that you’re out of time. Well… what about it? No, seriously: what about it? What, precisely, says that you’re f--ked, that your window has closed or that you’re out of time? If there hasn’t been actual, concrete evidence of a problem – which is to say, not just other people’s opinions, especially those of strangers in person or on the Internet – then it’s really just vibes, man. That’s all. It’s other people’s baggage and they’re trying to make it yours, without understanding you or your life.

Of course, understanding that doesn’t mean that the anxieties just go away by magic; sadly, brain weasels aren’t satiated that easily. If they were, half my career would evaporate overnight.

However, if this is actually bothering you, then my next question would be: ok, what are you doing about it? Because right now, going by your letter, it sounds like you’ve decided that it’s hopeless before you’ve even made the attempt. That’s a great way to ensure that yes, you are screwed… because nothing can happen for you until you make it happen. If you’re feeling anxious about any of this, then my suggestion is to prioritize taking action.

Do you want to date and fool around – for whatever that means to you? Ok so… start dating. Start by building up your social circle, make more connections and put yourself in positions to meet folks you like. Make it clear that you’re looking to date and have a good time and if anything serious comes out of it, then hey, bonus! But getting started at dating means taking active steps towards your goal, including letting your friends know that this is something you’re looking for. Putting yourself out there means you can’t just nod your head and waggle your eyebrows and this will send out the message to the universe; you have to be proactive about it. Don’t worry if you’re not sure where to begin. I’ve written multiple books that can help you get started and there’s literally years of material in my archives to guide you.

And incidentally, if you find that you’re meeting folks who want to settle down, rather than date casually, then good news! You don’t have to date them! You can make it clear that you’re not looking for anything serious or committed, and the people who aren’t on the same page will self-select out of your dating pool.

That same mindset applies with work as well. You’ve got a low-paying job for now. Ok… well, what steps are you taking to change that? Are you putting yourself out there, applying for positions or making it known that you’re trying to change careers? You don’t say what field you’re trying to break into, just that it’s difficult to do without having money already. Ok… but are you networking within those fields? Are you connecting and building relationships with people who work in that industry? You don’t necessarily even want the folks who’re doing the hiring; making friends with the up-and-comers, people who are at your level or maybe one level above or below can be more valuable for your future than the folks who are there now. You don’t necessarily need an in with the person who’s making the hiring decisions; having a friend who can say “hey, you know that open spot we’re trying to fill? Well I know a guy…” can be the stepping stone you never realized you needed.

This is also where having a better social circle can be useful. If you’re just surrounded with folks who aren’t ambitious or who aren’t interested in trying to work towards something greater… well, it’s probably a sign that you’ve grown past your “idiot coworkers” and you need to find friends who are more on your level. Not just because of the networking opportunities, but because having people around you who are as motivated as you and ambitious as you can help keep you motivated and engaged. If you’re surrounded with people who think it’s pointless or who actively s--t on your dreams and goals, you’re going to lose your motivation and emotional resilience faster than you can blink. You want people who support you and cheer you on, not folks who tell you not to bother or who’ll just tell you why it’ll never work out.

But again: I think your first step should be making sure if you’re actually bothered by all of this, or you’re bothered by other people telling you that it should bother you. Because if it’s the latter, then the best thing you can do for yourself is tell folks to step the hell off. It’s your life and your journey, and it goes at the pace that works for you, not them.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com