DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: 2 months ago I went out with this woman for a total of 3 dates and I just want your opinion on the reason why it ended. Basically after 3 dates we had a bit of an argument over money and I decided to stop texting her. Allow me to expand.

The first date I took her bowling and dinner. I paid for the bowling session and then for dinner we split the bill. The dinner was just chicken breast for her and a chicken burger for me — nothing fancy. First and foremost was it wrong of me to have split the dinner bill with her during a first date?

The second date we went to a local aquarium for a tour and afterwards we had dinner. I paid for the tickets for the tour and she paid for the dinner all by herself. She wanted me to send the money for the tour {her share} and first I said yes but then she did not pay me and I did not request them. The third date was movie and dinner and I paid for everything.

I asked her the week after we went to the movie if she wanted to meet me and 2 friends of mine and their partners for dinner and at first she said yes. I sent her the menu of the restaurant so that she could see what she likes as a food choice. That same day after work I went to the car wash and after I finished washing my car, I texted her. She told me come and wash my car {I don’t know if she was being serious or if she was joking} and as a joke, I told her 10 euros please. I was pulling her leg literally. This is where things took a turn for the worst.

Basically she told me that everything was about money with me and that she was giving up on me. When I asked her what she means exactly, she told me we were going on dates and splitting bills and it’s not right– she was used to a gentleman treating her right and not someone who treats her like a brother and sister by splitting everything 50/50, and what we were doing meant nothing to her. She did not want to come with me to meet my friends because she was not comfortable and if I tell her to split the check, she would freak out. I apologised although I was not sure exactly what I did wrong. We broke it off soon after.

I discussed all of the above with my friends and they confirmed that I was better off without her and that it was better that we broke up sooner rather than later. I reasoned that arguing with me over money after 3 dates was a red flag and let me point out she is a self employed business woman, works part time and drives an Audi as a daily car and she is arguing with me over splitting meals?

I appreciate your thoughts on this.

Original Gentleman

DEAR ORIGINAL GENTLEMAN: You know, this may be the first time where I’ve gotten a letter where nobody was in the wrong. That’s actually kind of refreshing.

OK, since I already hear some folks limbering up their typing fingers in the comments, let me explain.

There’re are about as many opinions regarding ‘who pays’ on a date as there are people going on those dates, and probably twice as many opinions about what it all means.

Now, understanding this means recognizing a very important factor: dating, going on dates and all modern forms of courtship are very recent. Dating as we recognize it today is barely 100 years old – the idea of a man escorting a woman to dinner or some form of entertainment as a precursor to sex or romance really only started in the 1920s. Similarly, the “rules” around dating and what was or wasn’t expected or “allowed” varies significantly over the decades. What was commonplace in the 20s changed in the 30s and 40s with World War II; the “traditions” of the 1950s were less than twenty years old and had far more to about the burgeoning middle class (not to mention issues of race and religion) than anything else. The invention of – and increased access to – reliable hormonal birth control and effective treatment of STIs like syphilis kicked off the sexual revolution of the 60s.

And, of course, there’s the fact that women couldn’t have their own loans, bank accounts or credit cards without a father or husband co-signing with them until the Equal Credit Opportunity Act of 1974 – not even 50 years ago.

All of which is to say that dating is very much a game of Calvinball or Who’s Line Is It Anyway, where the rules are all made up and the points don’t matter. The “traditions” of dating were a hodgepodge of cultural pressure that only some people ever actually did – wanna guess what your gran-gran was doing on the rumble-seat of that Studebaker? – and have about as much historical backing as the canon of the Marvel cinematic universe.

So to answer your first question: were you wrong for splitting the bill on your first date? Yes.

And also no.

You were “wrong” in as much as your date wanted you to pay for everything. But in objective terms, no, you weren’t because the “rules” of who pays are going to depend on who’s involved.

Now if you were to ask me, my general rule of thumb these days is “whomever invites the other and/or picks the venue pays or at least offers to pay”. I stress offers, in part because many people feel very strongly about splitting the bill or paying their own way. For some, it’s not wanting to feel like a burden. For others, it’s wanting to establish themselves as an equal partner or a sense of fairness. And for still others, there is – even in the Far Flung Future of the Year 2023 – a sense of obligation conveyed in who pays and what they expect in return. “She ordered the lobster” – meaning “she ordered the most expensive item on the menu and now owes the man sex” was still being used as a gag in 1999.

However, there are still people who very firmly believe in the idea of “old-fashioned gentlemen”, who think that the man should pay for everything on dates. And, ok, cool, it’s nice to want things. But not everyone’s going to live by those “rules” and that’s legit. So if your date expects to be wined and dined by her beau and he’s covering all the expenses, then that’s her prerogative and more power to her. There will almost assuredly be men who will be happy to go along with it.

But that’s not you, that’s not how you roll and, s--t, your bank account may not be able to roll with it even if you wanted to. Which is just as valid.

And to be sure: the way she prefers to be treated on dates is her business, no matter the car she drives (could be used, could be a hand-me-down or a gift), her job (business owner doesn’t mean successful or ‘has money to burn’) or any other detail. If she decides that she wants an old-fashioned guy who’s going to pay for everything and going halfsies is a deal-breaker, then hey, go for it. Here’s to hoping she finds someone who’s down with that and they have many tax deductions together. The fact that this is what she wants doesn’t obligate you to go through with it, especially if “expected to pay for everything” is your dealbreaker.

Does her reaction seem a bit extreme? Kinda, and it comes off as rude as hell. However, if you were making comments about money before the “that’ll be ten euros, please” joke, then that might have been a compounding issue. If you were making snarky comments about shelling out money or having to pay for things then I could see her reaction being somewhat more understandable. Especially if she took your sending her the menu as a hint – intended or otherwise – not to get anything too pricey.

(To be fair, I like checking out the menu before I go places too; gives me an idea about what I might want to order.)

As it stands, however, I think you can chalk this up to “fundamental incompatibilities”, with “…and a bullet dodged” for flavor.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I really feel in a bind here. I have been with my partner for over seven years. However, based on a bunch of emotional, personal factors, we’re considering breaking up. We have to decide to renew our lease in TWO WEEKS, and we cannot decide what to do! Some background here:

After going to the same high school together, we reconnected after our respective post-secondary schooling, and pretty quickly entered into a relationship.

We clicked immediately: we had similar interests, he was goofy and fun – and after the toxic, soul-crushing, on-and-off relationship I had had in university, this lightness was a welcome surprise. It was nuts realizing that a relationship could be easy. That holding hands in public wasn’t a crime. We were happy. When I got a job in another city, he moved with me. Living with him was easy for the most part. Here I will admit that I am the controlling partner; he had to get used to my shrillness, my slightly obsessive ways… but he took it in stride. We made our house a home. We have cats together. Things were a-okay for a good five-ish years with no significant bumps in the road.

For the past two-ish years, I have felt a bit unfulfilled. My partner makes me laugh, he makes me dinner every night, he is extremely sweet. But something is missing. In many ways, there is a lack of depth that I can’t seem to pull out of him. It’s just the person he is. And over the years, this is something I’ve recognized as a need from my partner – among other things we have discussed that he can’t muster.

We’ve had hours of conversation in the last couple months about this. We are both in individual therapy, both trying to work on individual traumas, both trying to get our needs met. I am in NO WAY perfect. I have asked him repeatedly what HE needs from ME. The things he has asked for, I can only provide with a “me-spin” to it. I know this is not fair. And it feels like we’re at a crossroads.

Like I said, we need to make a commitment in the next few weeks to either continue living together, or call it quits and move out separately. But, despite all the needs and wants, the critical look at ourselves, we still love each other. We’re seven years deep and are true partners. Though something in my gut tells me there could be a better me and better partner out there FOR me, it is extremely hard for me to let go of him, and him of me. I genuinely don’t know what to do.

Help! Ah!

– In Love, In Trouble

DEAR IN LOVE, IN TROUBLE: This is a difficult situation, ILIT, and it’s one of those times when the answer is fairly self-evident, but it’s just not easy.

So this is going to sound like a bit of a digression, but stick with me for a second.

I’ve been writing this column for a while now, and like anything you do for long enough, you start to see certain patterns. In the case of long-term relationships, I see some issues that come up over and over again… but these are less issues that are about the individuals and more about the culture we live in and the stories we tell about relationships. And quite frankly, those stories tend to make relationships harder than they should be or have to be.

Take, for example, the idea that relationships are work. That’s absolutely true, but not in the way folks often think. A relationship is composed of individuals, and even the most simpatico couple or throuple or polycule will run into areas where personalities clash, different priorities create conflicts and different needs may be mutually exclusive. The work that make relationships successful are about navigating those conflicts, finding ways to compromise, find work arounds and determine when it’s appropriate to sacrifice your interests in the name of making the relationship work.

But that doesn’t mean that every conflict can be resolved or that the “work” involved means killing your soul in the name of trying to keep a relationship going. As a result it creates this feeling that if a relationship is high-conflict, then the key is to work harder. If a relationship ends, then the question of “well did you work enough at it?” often lingers like a fart in church. And it ignores that sometimes, there are no solutions; sometimes there just isn’t any amount of work that can be done. That doesn’t mean that the relationship was flawed or that the people in the relationship were wrong for each other… but we often leave those relationships feeling that way.

Similarly there’s the idea that every relationship should theoretically, hopefully be your last relationship. We have a distinct tendency as a culture to treat relationships as though longevity is the only measure of success; the longer it goes, the better it was, with dying-in-the-saddle being the ultimate end goal. But equating the duration of a relationship with its success or value or importance means that people tend to stay in relationships that are no longer working for them.

Now while it’s nice to want a relationship to last as long as possible, this cultural narrative means we discount the value, meaning and importance of short term relationships. If a couple were only together for two years and then broke up, that doesn’t mean their relationship was less significant than a relationship that lasted for decades; there may not be the weight of time behind it, but the connection, the experiences and the life lived together can be more meaningful and significant than the age would imply. As the man once said: it’s not the years, it’s the mileage.

And of course, there’s the ever-popular adage that love conquers all; if you love each other then you should be able to get through everything, right? So if you reach a point that one or all of you can’t stay in the relationship any longer, wouldn’t that imply that you simply don’t love each other enough? And if you love each other, doesn’t that mean that you should stay together?

This brings us right back around to your question, ILIT. You and your partner have seven years together. That’s a lot of shared history and connection. You still love each other. That’s no small thing either.

But neither of those mean that this relationship can or should continue.

At the same time, however, that doesn’t mean that the relationship ending would necessarily be a bad thing or an indication that you or your partner had failed somehow.

This is why one of the things that’s worth remembering is that not every relationship is meant to last a lifetime and that’s ok. We end up sacrificing our present in the name of a future that won’t come to pass, because we don’t recognize that sometimes a relationship is just for now, no forever.

Here’s the thing: a relationship doesn’t freeze people in time. People grow, they change. Just as you can’t step in the same river twice, you aren’t the same person today that you were yesterday. In a relationship, you and your partner(s) are growing together – that is, you’re growing simultaneously. That doesn’t mean you’re growing the same way or in the same direction. While we can try to influence how we grow, we can’t control it, because we can’t control the slings and arrows that life throws at us. And because we’re all individuals, even when we come together in a relationship, those slings and arrows affect us differently. So while we may be growing at the same time, we’re also growing in ways that mean we’re growing apart.

And the thing is, that doesn’t mean that you’ve done anything wrong. It just means that, just as a plant can outgrow it’s planter, you outgrew this relationship. What worked for you seven years ago isn’t always going to work for you now, because you’re not the person you were back then. Your needs have changed and so have the things you are able to give. So has your partner. You didn’t do anything wrong or made any egregious mistakes; neither did he. It’s not something that could be prevented unless you were both going to try to freeze the exact moment you met like flies in amber. There’s no good guy or bad guy, just the linear progression of time.

The fact that you have needs your partner can’t meet doesn’t mean that he’s failing or that you need too much. Nor does it mean that you can’t love each other any longer. Quite the contrary; you can love him for who he was and who he is now and vice versa… but the fact that you love someone doesn’t mean that the two of you work as a couple. Compatibility isn’t a prerequisite for love, and while love – or new relationship energy and excitement or pure physical chemistry, for that matter – can help you overlook incompatibilities, it doesn’t make them go away. It just extends the time before those conflicts can’t be ignored any longer.

This is why the key here is to realize that two things can be true: you can love each other, but you can’t work as a couple. What you need, now, is something that he isn’t able to provide. That doesn’t mean that you want too much or he’s too selfish to give it; it just means that you’ve reached the natural end point of this relationship.

Think of it as a journey. For a while, you and your partner were going in the same direction – so long that it’s hard to remember a time when you weren’t going the same way. But now you’ve reached a fork in the road – your destination is one way, and his is the other. The time you traveled together was important and meaningful and you both benefited from it. You will always have that, and that time together will always be a significant part of how you both became who you are today. But you’re now at a point where your destinations have diverged, and there is no way for one of you to follow the other… not without the risk of either losing important parts of yourself or possibly even risking what you’ve had up until now.

Yes, you could, theoretically try to not have needs or he could break himself to pieces to try to meet those needs, and you could do the same for him. You could even justify it in the name of love – love means sacrifice, right? But how long could either of you try to deny those needs, or try to give something you just don’t have, before you can’t pretend any longer? How long would it be before love curdled, annoyance became resentment or worse and what was a loving, meaningful relationship became a black, bitter canker in your soul?

Like I said: this doesn’t mean that you two don’t love each other. You can continue to love one another without being in a relationship. And while yes, you will eventually have other relationships, that doesn’t take away from the love you have for one another – now or in the future.

Now I wish I could tell you the magic words that would make all of this better and you wouldn’t have to face this fork in the road… but those words don’t exist. What I can tell you is that parting now, before those conflicts become a permanent rock in your shoe, is how you keep that love strong. It’s how you can stay connected, even in each other’s lives, without ultimately losing that love. The love you two have in the future may not be exactly the same as what you have now, but that’s not a bad thing. It’s just different.

I think you know what you both need to do, ILIT. I think it’s time to acknowledge that this relationship reached the natural end of its lifespan and it’s time for something new to be born, for the both of you. Honor what you’ve had together, honor what you have now and wish each other well for your future. That’s the best way you both can love one another now.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a problem with limiting beliefs, and I’m working on telling myself a better story. But this is the principle conflict that you have woven throughout your articles on breaking those beliefs. If the pain and the trauma I felt were actual events that happened, how can you expect me to deny that belief?

Would you tell me that a religion that has their dictums carved in stone, was not true? And that I should find a better religion?

You put in a great deal of effort. I really appreciate it.

Breaking The Cycle

DEAR BREAKING THE CYCLE: Ok, I see the disconnect you’re having, BTC.

Not to be snarky but yes, if I thought a particular religion was full of s--t, no matter how firmly it’s dictums were declared, I would absolutely tell you it was full of s--t. Just because something’s old or deemed as intractable doesn’t automatically make it valid or unquestionable. If you tell me that (to pull a random example) your religion requires you to hate and mistreat trans and queer people and has for a thousand years, I will tell you that your religion is awful and that following its rules makes you a worse person.

But that’s very different from what we’re talking about here. Changing the story you tell yourself isn’t about denying reality or changing the facts. It’s about changing the story those facts tell.

Take the movie The Karate Kid. Is this the story of a plucky young underdog who, through the wisdom and discipline of martial arts, overcomes struggles in his life and defeats violent bullies? Or is it the story of a smarmy, habitual line-stepper whose inability to leave s--t well enough alone or try to make peace with people he’s decided are his opponents – people who are ultimately under the thumb of a manipulative, violent and hateful father figure – culminates with cheating to win a martial arts tournament – one he had no right entering in the first place – with an illegal kick to the face?

If we go strictly by the events that play out on screen… both of these stories are there. It’s just a matter in how we choose to look at it.

If something painful happened or you had a traumatic experience, then nobody – at least nobody worth listening to – will tell you that it didn’t happen or that you should act like it didn’t affect you. But there’s a difference in telling yourself “this experience broke me” and “this experience was hard, but it lead to my changing how I do X for the better”.

Let’s say you were in a traffic accident and it left you with physical disabilities – some temporary, some permanent. You could look at those permanent disabilities and say “this has ruined this part of my life” and let yourself sink into despair, or you can look at it and say “this was a massive change in my life, but through hard work at rehab, inner strength and the support of my friends, I was able to achieve X and Y, even if I had to find new ways of doing it.”

Don’t get me wrong: this doesn’t mean that you don’t feel the pain or frustration or any of the other complex and unpleasant emotions and feelings that come with it. Nor does it mean that you bounce right back up like nothing happened; even Lucifer had to take a moment to lay there and say “well, F--K” after he hit the ground. But it’s the old adage that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. It’s not that you act like the pain didn’t happen, it’s what you do about it that makes the difference.

I’ve been dumped and I sat around and moped for months because I thought I’d lost the perfect relationship with the perfect girl. I’ve been dumped, gave myself a little time to sit with my feelings and then resolved that this was going to inspire me to be better. I can tell you from personal experience that the former was profoundly unhelpful and only held me back from my potential. The latter, on the other hand, was hard, but much more productive. The difference was the story I told myself about the break up. “Lost the perfect girl” just reinforced the idea that this was My One True Love and I blew it. “This sucks but I’ll do better”, allowed a s--tty experience to fuel positive changes that made my life better overall.

So it is with self-limiting beliefs. Those are just a story you tell yourself. Change the story you tell, you change your beliefs.

And just to be clear: this doesn’t mean that eliminating self-limiting beliefs mean you’ll never fail again or never suffer hardship or run into things you can’t fix or change. I’ve had plenty in my life that I’ve ultimately given up because I finally came to the realization that it just wouldn’t happen. But rather than letting that defeat me, it was a matter of “ok, this didn’t work and that’s a shame, so let’s figure out something that will work instead.” It may not have been what I wanted, but it allowed me to find other things that I wanted too (or instead), rather than beating my head over and over against one thing I couldn’t have.

You’re not denying reality, BTC; you’re just changing your perspective on it from something that holds you back to something that helps you. Both can be true; it’s just a question of which view you choose.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com