DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have read your column before and can say I am a fan of your advice. I am a young man currently enrolled in graduate school in the U.S. and having recently turned 23 years old I have never been in a romantic relationship. Not to sound arrogant, but I like to believe I have a lot going for me, I have a college degree, my own apartment with a roommate, a car, I go to school in a nice area, I try to dress well, have traveled a lot, am ambitious, and even though I am not tall I have even been told I should model before. None of this is me trying to brag, believe me, it’s just pointing out qualities of my life.

I’ve gone out on dates with girls my age over the past year and a half, I didn’t have my first kiss until 21 because I was so shy, and I believe these experiences helped me improve on my shyness a bit and at least get some initial romantic fun, however I still have never been in a relationship. None of the girls I went on dates with, with all but a few I usually met off dating apps, ever went past the first or second date and I was never really given a reason for being rejected, which I know I’m not entitled to. These young women I have been pursuing or had feelings for weren’t just conventionally hot types, but a broad range of backgrounds and lifestyles. I don’t really have a physical type when it comes to looking for my partner beyond long hair, is pretty to me, and being somewhat in shape (I am lean but not muscular). It’s much more about the individual.

I would prefer a woman close to my age who is intelligent, seeks to improve herself, is outgoing, can hold a conversation well, and has goals in life.

Maybe I am wrong but I feel like a lot of young women these days have a lot of options of men at their disposal with social media and apps and so the bar is higher. I’ve tried to cultivate an interesting and impressive life, my passions right now are photography, hiking, travel, fashion, going to new restaurants, and volunteering. I have a photography collection online and have really tried to improve my life over the last year and a half. Yet I still don’t feel as if I am good enough or meet the standard of what a desirable man should be. Perhaps trying to prove myself to be broadly appealing to women and people (nice clothes, own place, ambitious etc) isn’t the way to go, but I genuinely enjoy pushing myself towards success. I just wonder when is it enough? When is a man worthy?

Thank you,

What Am I Missing?

DEAR WHAT AM I MISSING: You’re asking the wrong question here, WAIM. But hey, it’s the same wrong question a lot of guys ask when they’re trying to be more appealing to women, so you’re hardly alone in this.

Now I want to say that yeah, you’ve got a lot going for you and you’ve got a pretty well-rounded life. That’s all to the good, and that’s going to help with dating and finding yourself a girlfriend.

And no, it’s not about the bar being higher or women having more options than before. Not having to rely on men for pure survival or financial security gave them more options, not dating apps, and even then, that just means that guys need more to offer than “has a steady income”. Dating apps aren’t the issue either; if anything, many – if not most – women’s experiences with dating apps tends to show that the bar can be so low dudes could trip over it and yet many men still can’t clear it.

The problem is dead-bang in the final question you ask: “when is a man worthy?”

Well, if you’re trying to wield Mjolnir, then when he’s on the same level as Captain America, Storm, Jane Foster, Beta Ray Bill, Vision, Superman and Wonder Woman.

(Yes, those last two actually happened.)

But, funny thing: women aren’t Mjolnir. They don’t only date “the worthy”. They date people that they like. If she likes you, then you’re “worthy”.

This is where the disconnect is happening. You list a lot of facts about your life and like I said: those are all good things and make you a more generally well-rounded person, a more interesting person and someone who’s got a lot going for him.

But that’s not what’s going to make women decide they want to date you. They have to like you to want to date you. The stuff you list up front – having a college degree, your own place, a car, etc. – those are good indications that you’re financially secure. That’s great! But that’s not going to help you woo women. Plenty of folks who don’t have degrees, who live with their parents or take public transit date and get married. Having your own car can certainly be a value-add – God knows the car-centric designs of most American cities make living without one a massive pain in the ass – but that’s not going to make someone decide that she wants to get coffee or go to an art exhibition with you.

The same goes with being well traveled, liking hiking, etc. Those are things you enjoy, things you might share with someone… but again: not necessarily what you’re missing here.

What you’re missing is how you make women feel when you interact with them. You want women to feel comfortable with you, to enjoy themselves when they’re with you, to feel excited to spend time with you. And that’s going to involve your social skills, not your equipment list.

Now I realize these are all things I’ve encouraged you and others to pursue. But having those interests or passions isn’t just about ticking off boxes on a checklist, it’s about how you put them into practice with people you meet.

Let’s take travel, for example. Liking to travel is great, having visited exotic locales is awesome, I highly recommend it for everyone. But can you talk about having been to those places? Can you tell stories about your adventures while you were traveling? It’s one thing to say “yeah, I go out to Los Angeles all the time”, it’s another to say “man, last time I went to LA it was crazy. I started the night at this one bar chatting with an Iranian archeologist, his Australian girlfriend and his friend the British travel facilitator to the rich and famous and before I knew it, we’d all done shots and we were piling into a Lyft to Koreatown and went to this amazing club that was hidden in a warehouse, where, check this out, the British travel guy was three shots in and started….”

What you’re doing here is threefold. First: you’re entertaining her, telling what is hopefully an amusing story about something interesting that happened to you that either gets a laugh, a “oh wow!” or a “awwww” reaction. Second: you’re telling her a little bit about who you are and what you like to do. Third: you’re giving her an idea of what life with you is like – you like being social, meeting new people and going on crazy adventures at the drop of a hat.

The first part – entertaining her and making her laugh – hits the Reward Theory of Attraction, where we instinctively prioritize relationships with people who make us feel good with their presence. The second gives her insight into who you are as a person. The third tempts her with what she might experience if she were in a relationship with you. Done well, this helps make you a more desirable potential date; you’re interesting and do interesting things and you make her laugh.

The same goes for hiking. Were you talking with someone who is into hiking as well, your interest in hiking is an opportunity for the two of you to bond over this shared interest. You would want to talk to her about her favorite hiking spots or experiences, find out more about her interests and what makes her tick. Asking questions, getting her opinions on topics, showing that you actually want to know what she thinks about things or what she likes? Those are, likewise, going to make her feel good. We instinctively like people who are similar to us, so having those shared interests and commonalities increases that sense of “we’re so similar”. By the same token, asking about her inerest, wanting to know more about her hobbies and what she enjoys about hiking invite her to talk about herself – something that we rarely experience when dealing with other people. More often than not, we encounter people who don’t listen, they just are waiting for their turn to talk.

Showing genuine interest in what she has to say and what she thinks and giving real consideration and respect to what she’s into? That is a rare gift, and one people appreciate.

Plus, by talking about things she enjoys and asking her about her favorite hiking trails or whatnot encourages her to think about positive experiences she’s had… which improve her mood, make her feel good and – importantly – helps create an association between those good feelings and you.

So rather than looking at your stats, ask yourself: how are you with projecting warmth and friendliness? How are you doing at making her feel like the most fascinating person in the world? Are you helping her enjoy herself with you, not just by being charming and delightful but by taking her on interesting dates and facilitating her having a good time?

Get that locked down and then things like your financial security, your goals, ambitions, values and interests become much more relevant. Once someone likes you and decides she may be interested in a relationship with you, then you’re going to be moving to “ok, we like each other, but are we compatible?” After all, you can like someone so much your teeth hurt… but that doesn’t mean that you and they could work as a couple.

But as I said: before you get there, first they have to like you. So that’s where you need to start putting more of your attention… and you’ll start getting more of their attention.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: About a year and a half ago, I lost my job. I loved the work, or at least the idea of the work, but I couldn’t get along with my boss, and eventually she fired me.

Then, about 8 months ago, as I was finally finding work again, my wife said she wanted a divorce; that was really painful, and I wanted to try counseling, but she didn’t. Now the divorce is almost complete, and I was talking with my therapist about some irritation in how we’re handling the specifics of that divorce, and I just felt like my therapist was taking my wife’s side instead of hearing my pain and helping me with that, and I said so. I thought we might adjust and continue the session, but instead, she said, yes, she was experiencing some kind of counter transference, and felt she wasn’t and couldn’t offer me the support and therapy I deserved. Then she said she couldn’t work with me anymore, and it just felt like I was getting dumped yet again…

So, I habitually blame myself for all my misfortunes, earned and unearned alike, and I’m trying to sort out if I’m having a simple streak of bad luck or if there’s something I need to fix about myself. Given they’re all women, I worry it might be something about how I interact with women specifically, or it might be that I’m some kind of jerk in general, or it might just be that relationships of all kinds just end sometimes, for various reasons, and I just need to move on and keep trying my best in new relationships as they come along.

My therapist and I had talked about rejection-sensitive dysphoria as a possible symptom of neurodivergence in my case, and that resonates with me because I do take things hard sometimes, but I’m not sure I fit all the criteria for ADHD or any other kind of neurodivergence, per se. I can say that all of this has been really painful, and I do feel like I’m wandering around in a foreign country sometimes trying to talk to folks, so I’m not ruling it out, either…

So, I guess my question is, is there something I need to address in myself? If not, how can I stop getting painfully dumped all the time?

signed,

Third Time’s NOT a Charm

DEAR THIRD TIME’S NOT A CHARM: Ok, TTNC, there’s a lot to unpack here.

We’ll start with the easiest: go see about getting tested for ADHD. Don’t worry if you fit “all the criteria”; as I can tell you from personal experience, a lot of people who have ADHD didn’t get a diagnosis in part because they didn’t recognize the symptoms. ADHD and other forms of neurodivergence don’t always look like what we think they do, and so a lot of us never realize we have it until much later. And – again, speaking from personal experience – just getting rejection-sensitive dysphoria under control is like a goddamn miracle. Even if you just turn it from an 11 to a 3, that’s a significant improvement.

As for the rest of this…

It’s good that you’re recognizing that there’s an issue here, and you’re trying to zero in on what’s going on.

One of the things I tell people is that when you’ve got a recurring issue – such as if your relationships always fall apart at a certain point – then one of the things you want to do is to see what those relationships have in common.

Now, the common follow-up to this is “sometimes the common denominator is you“. I still hold to that; you are the only common denominator in all your relationships, and it’s clear that you’re aware that you may well be the problem. And I’m gonna be honest: yeah, it does seem that this may be the case.

However, you don’t want to just say “well clearly I’m the asshole here,” in part because that’s not helpful. Even if you don’t intend it that way, it’s kind of self-pitying and a way of excusing yourself from doing any further self-reflection. Once you’ve decided that You – the holistic totality that makes up Third Time’s Not The Charm – are the problem, it’s very easy to go to “so what’s the point of even trying?” instead of actually resolving the issue. Especially if that’s what you want to do.

This is why, even if you ultimately are the sole source of your own misery, you want to look at things with an eye towards nuance and circumstance. If you want to fix things, then it’s not just enough to find the what but the why and the how. What are the reasons for it, what are the contributing factors, are you behaving in this way because of specific triggers and traumas, from learned behavior, from internalized beliefs? It’s easy (especially for others) to say “well maybe you’re just a woman-hating asshole” and call it a day. But that doesn’t actually help people to fix things or figure out how to change those aspects.

Think of it like a car engine. OK, the engine is f--ked. What part of it’s f--ked, how do you unf--k it and how did it get f--ked in the first place? Same thing applies to, well, you. If you want to change some part of yourself that’s causing problems, knowing why its causing those problems is important.

Going by your letter, one of the things I notice is that there’s a sense of resentment towards all three of the women you mention – your boss, your wife and your therapist. You couldn’t get along with your boss, you felt resentment towards your wife over the way the divorce was being handled and that your therapist didn’t understand you or wasn’t helping you. Ok, there’s our starting point. It’s easy to say “well, you dislike women” or “you have an issue with women in positions of authority”, but, again, I think that’s both simplistic and not helpful. It’s worth digging in to exactly why you were feeling the way you were feeling in each of these relationships.

Now, all of these are complicated by the fact that you don’t give us much to go on here. So you’re going to have to be the one to actually dig in, apply as much self-awareness as you possibly can and answer the hard question of “why”

Why did you not get along with your boss? Was it as simple as a personality conflict? Was it that you couldn’t respect her as an authority, especially as someone who was in a position to judge your work or the effort you put in? Did you have issues communicating with her – she didn’t seem to understand what you were trying to say, or you never understood what she was asking from you? Did you have similar problems with other employers or managers, and if so, were they also women? Or is this the first time you’ve had this issue… that also corresponds to being the first time your boss was a woman?

The same with your wife. You don’t mention the cause for your divorce, just that you wanted to give counseling a try and that she didn’t. There’s a lot to unpack just in that portion alone – maybe things had been bad or getting bad for so long that she didn’t want to try to fix things. Had you two tried counseling before, but found that you kept having the same problems? If you did try counseling before, did you actually put the recommendations into consistent practice? I emphasize the word “consistent” here because one pattern I see frequently in relationships is one partner asking the other to do things differently, but the new behavior only lasts for a couple weeks before they fall back to old, bad behaviors. That could easily lead to someone saying “what’s the point, we’ve been on this ride before and I know where it goes already.”

The same thing applies to your resentment in how the divorce was being handled. What, precisely, were you having issues with? Did you feel like you were getting a raw deal and your lawyer wasn’t helping? Did it seem to you like you were being made out to be the bad guy and you didn’t like how that made you feel? Was it about the division of assets, about custody arrangements, decisions about who got what, alimony and spousal support payments and the rest?

With your therapist… this is where stuff gets a bit more complicated. Therapists are human, not Vulcans, and just being a therapist doesn’t mean you quit having thoughts, opinions or feelings. Countertransference – where the therapist’s own reactions, feelings and experiences start to influence how they interact with or respond to a particular client – is a known phenomena, and therapists are supposed to watch out for it. So it’s possible that this was a her issue and not a you issue.

But that’s a possibility, not the definite cause, and it doesn’t necessarily let you off the hook, either. This could still be the result of your behaviors, your expressed attitudes or the way you behaved during your sessions, especially towards the end.

If, for example, your behavior or your issues with your boss and your wife were similar to negative experiences she had with men, or if the way you were interacting with her was starting to trigger something and she realized she couldn’t ethically continue to treat you because of it? That’s right back to you being the problem and your issues starting to come across even with the person trying to fix them.

And – again – you leave out why you felt like your therapist was taking your wife’s side instead of trying to help you with your pain. Is it possible that, rather than taking her side, she was trying to get you to recognize something in your behavior? Was she telling you, definitively, that you were doing things wrong – which tends to be a no-no for certain types of therapy? Or was it that, in questioning your behaviors, actions or motivations, you were feeling judged?

Another thing to consider is how you felt in these situations. If you are neurodivergent in some way and you’re dealing with RSD, then it’s possible that you were feeling rejected or abandoned – or felt like you were about to be – and your behaviors with these women were almost like tantrums or lashing out in fear?

Yet another thing to consider: are these the only examples of issues you’ve had, or just the ones that are the most recent and the ones that stand out because they involved women? Is it possible that you’ve had similar issues with men, too, but hadn’t noticed because that felt more “normal” or “typical” to you? In some ways, it’s easier to latch onto issues with women because of how men are socialized to measure our value in our relationships to them. We’re more prone to notice if we’ve got problems maintaining relationships with women in part because we’re taught to see those relationships as being different or more significant to our sense of self. Relationships with men aren’t treated the same way or accorded the same sort of significance to our identity, and so we may not notice having similar problems with male friends or co-workers or bosses.

Recency bias is a thing. Confirmation bias is a thing. It’s worth double and triple checking whether these are patterns that go further back and are spread wider than you realize. Sometimes the issues we’ve only just noticed have been churning under the surface for quite some time. We only discover them because some other factor has changed… sort of like how many people got diagnosed with ADHD during the pandemic because the structures they relied on to function were no longer there.

So, as tempting as it may be for you (or others) to write this of as “you don’t like women, end of,” I think you should take this as an opportunity for some serious self-exploration. And, to be fair: this is going to be hard. Self-awareness isn’t easy under the best of circumstances; we’ve all got blind spots, prejudices and biases that get in the way. Nobody has perfect, 100% clear awareness of everything that they’re doing and why, no matter how sure they are of their own powers of objective observation. And be aware: it’s just as tempting to go the other way and assume the worst as it is to assume that, no, it’s the women who are wrong.

If you have friends who you can open up to and who you can trust to be honest with you – even if the answer is “I don’t know” – then you may want to reach out and get an outsider’s opinion from someone who at least has the context of knowing you.

But for now? Do that deep dive into yourself and your feelings to the best of your ability. Try to get into the context and nuance of your conflicts – what you felt, how it made you react, other times you’ve felt that way and what happened. I’d also recommend finding a different therapist – a male one, this time – and working with them to dial into these issues. You may not like what you find. It may be ugly. It may be unpleasant. It may say things about you that you are going to find hard to swallow. But if you really want to change and be a better person, not just having these conflicts? Then sometimes its worth going down into the muck.

Until you do, you can’t pull yourself all the way out of it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My friends and I have a problem and we hope you can solve it. We’ve got a friend – let’s call him Carson. Carson’s a great guy, he’s been my friend for years and he’s a valued part of our social circle. Carson’s not the problem… his girlfriend “Molly” is.

We don’t like her, at all. I don’t really have any better way to describe Molly except to say that she’s just a b--ch. You can’t have a conversation around her that she doesn’t try to take over and she talks over everyone. She makes everything about her, constantly. If you had a problem, she’s had a bigger one and so much worse. If you had a good day, well better hope she didn’t have a bad one or she’ll remind you about how lucky you are because SOME people (except she means her) had a bad one or have some horrible thing in their lives and it’s rude of you to be so happy about your thing.

She’s an Expert In Everything (she looked it up on Google once or read some Tumblr post on it) and will correct people who actually know what they’re talking about. She’ll lecture folks about all of their sins for not being woke enough or liking “problematic” things, criticize you for talking about things she doesn’t view as being good or pure enough and remind you that SHE would never do such things, that’s for bad people. And if you point out that she did the exact same thing, then she’ll have any number of reasons why it didn’t count when SHE did it. And of course, she has no problem making these constant left-handed compliments or passive-aggressive remarks about people. I think you could say she’s negging us, except I don’t think she’s interested in ANYONE that way.

Everything has to be exactly how she wants it and if it’s not perfect, she’ll throw a tantrum. She won’t rant and rave (unless you’re a waiter who didn’t get her order “right”), she’ll get passive-aggressive and pout and give folks the silent treatment if you’re lucky. If you’re not, she’ll start complaining constantly and just be the biggest wet blanket while the rest of us are trying to have a good time. Then Carson has to try to make her feel better which usually involves a lot of apologizing and promising how he’s going to make it up to her and “fixing” things becomes incredibly inconvenient for everyone. So if we want to hang out with Carson, it means we’re stuck with whatever Molly’s willing to do and nothing else.

Normally we’d just ignore her or try to avoid her but she is ALWAYS around. She won’t let Carson out of her sight and if he’s out on his own, he has to check in with her constantly. She has no problem texting him and demanding he drop whatever he’s doing for her, but if you do anything to inconvenience her in any way, she’s going to demand that you account for yourself and listen while she explains why you were wrong. And if you object, that just proves how wrong you are and why she’s right to correct you. She’s doing it to make you better, you see.

Honestly, we’re worried about saying anything to Carson because, much as I love the guy, he’s a complete puss when it comes to her. He’s not the most assertive guy even before he met Molly but he’s gone completely spineless since he started dating her. We’re worried that if we say anything, she’s just going to start forbidding him from seeing us. It’s hard enough getting time with him without him as it is.

Dr, we tried. I swear we did. We tried to give her a chance, and we’re all thoroughly sick of her. What do we do? How do we tell our friend that his girlfriend’s a b--ch, without her just pulling him away from us?

Help!

Saving Silverman

DEAR SAVING SILVERMAN: Hoooo boy.

OK, SS, I’m gonna level with you: reading your letter was rough because I’ve been there, I’ve done that and I owned the T-shirt factory. The problem is that I was Carson and this Molly sounds far too much like my ex.

Now, I’ve talked about my own experiences in a toxic relationship before, but there’s one aspect that I want to zero in on: I knew that my friends didn’t like her much. The problem is that I wasn’t ready to hear from them that this was a bad scene. I wasn’t in a place where I could actually recognize just how bad things were, no matter what my friends said. I got very good at rationalizing their reasons away, explaining – to myself or others – why they were mistaken or misunderstood her and it wasn’t that bad. There was always a perfectly good reason why this thing or that thing she did was actually acceptable if people would just understand or see it from her side of things or…

Well, I’m sure you see where this is going.

My point is: I’ve been where Carson is, so I can tell you from experience: there’s not much you can do. Carson’s going to have a lot of Very Good Reasons that explain Molly’s behavior and why it’s Ok, Actually.

(It’s an open question as to whether he actually believes that or he – like me, back in the day – isn’t ready to face that it’s a bad scene.)

And you’re not wrong to be worried that Molly might use this as an excuse to pull Carson away. If she already can dictate how he spends his time or demand he leave you all and go back to her, then it’s certainly possible – even likely – that she’d isolate him from you all if you talked about her.

But then again, she may do it anyway. Not saying anything isn’t going to be a guarantee that she won’t just continue to isolate him from his friends, so you may as well say something.

However – again, speaking from experience – it needs to be handled the right way, and with the understanding that this is going to be a process, not a one-time conversation.

What I’d suggest is to get time with Carson by himself. Now to be clear, this time with Carson should be standard “hanging with friends” time, not an intervention. If there’s even a whiff of confrontation or judgement, his guard is going to go up and he’s going to get defensive very quickly. As soon as he’s in a defensive stance, he’s going to stop listening. You want to avoid this as much as possible, for as long as possible. You’re likely going to trigger that defensive posture at some point, but the longer you can put that off, the better.

You’re not going to be able to change his mind for him; instead, you’re going to have to entice him to change his own mind. If he’s going to get to a point where he’s ready to see this as a bad situation then he’s going to have to decide that on his own. All you can do is light the path for him.

I’d start with casually mentioning that it seems like you don’t get to see as much of him as you’d like, certainly not just him. The “get” is important; the underlying message is that he’s not “allowed” to spend time with you. When he shrugs it off or says he’s been busy, you can say that it seems like Molly demands all his time or doesn’t seem to like him spending time with you all.

Whatever he says to this, the next thing to point out is that it seems like Molly isn’t… really a happy person. She always seems to have something going on and she’s always upset about something. And well, you’re worried that he’s having a hard time right now with the way she’s always just in a bad mood. You worry that maybe it’s affecting him too, especially since he doesn’t seem to get time away from her. How’s he doing? Is he doing ok? You might also mention that maybe he doesn’t seem like he’s all that happy right now or that he’s been down for a while.

If Carson’s not stupid – and it doesn’t sound like he is – he’ll probably pick up on the subtext. He may ask you straight up if you don’t like Molly or if you have a problem with her. If he does, then the best thing you can say is that you all get the feeling she has a problem with you all and she just doesn’t seem like she fits in with the group and that makes it hard to get time to see him.

Now if he wants to make it about what you don’t like about her, don’t respond with specifics. Instead, you’d do better to ask questions. Is it you, or does it seem like she complains a lot? Does it bother him when she talks over him? Or maybe ask why she makes the comments about your friends? Does he ever feel like he can’t stand up to her, or does she always get her way in the end? Doesn’t that get frustrating?

If he still won’t let go of the idea that you don’t like Molly, then it’s time to tell him the truth. The best answer you can have is “I worry that she’s making you unhappy”. He’ll have an answer for this; he’s not ready to admit that there’s a problem. But the important thing is to focus on him, not her.

Keep in mind, all you’re doing here is trying to sow the seeds of doubt, ones that lead to him coming to the conclusion you’re hoping for. That’s… not going to be easy. You’re going to have to spend a lot of time waiting for those seeds to bloom, and a lot of them won’t. So don’t be confrontational, be concerned and empathetic and wanting things to be better. Reminding him that you care about him is going to be crucial.

Now, having different members of your friend group have similar conversations – mostly how you don’t see him, Molly takes all his time, he seems down is he ok? – can help a bit, but odds are that he’ll twig to what’s actually going on pretty quickly. If you want to keep him from getting defensive, you’ll have to tread very carefully.

Now if he does get defensive, then that’s your clue to let the conversation go. Make it clear that you’ve said your peace, you’re going to drop it, but you are always going to be there for him. If he wants to talk about anything, you’re there to listen, no questions asked, no judgement given.

And that no judgement is going to be important. If Carson does recognize that his relationship with Molly is bad, he’s going to feel pretty ashamed about it. Knowing that he can come to you or any of his friends without getting an “I told you so” or jokes at his expense will be important. If he feels like he’s going to get so much as a whiff of mockery or embarrassment, he’s not going to reach out to you. Yeah, it seems crazy that someone would rather stay in a potentially abusive relationship than face some embarrassment. Welcome to the human psyche, we’re all just apes with anxiety, nobody expects us to be rational actors.

Do your best to spend time with him without Molly, remind him that you all are all there for him no matter what and generally show him that life without her around is better.

But more than anything else, make it clear that the lines of communication are always open and you’re there for him, no matter what. Knowing that he can come to you at any time will make it easier for him to finally leave her when he’s ready.

Just be prepared for that to take a while. It may suck, and it’s incredibly frustrating, but it’s ultimately going to have to be his choice. And he won’t make that choice until he’s ready to do so.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com