DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Several months ago, I (30M) had someone from my dance group take me to a different nearby social dance place. While I did know her prior to this, I really started to feel connected with her when I was going just with her and talking with her in the car. That made me actually start to really be into her.

I didn’t ask her out for four months, part of that wasn’t my fault, because very soon after that, she went home for several weeks, but even after that, I got too anxious to ask her out for a while. During this time, I built her up in my mind as pretty much the perfect girl, which I should not have, fantasized about being with her, all of that.

Eventually, back in October, while I was at a fall party she invited me to, I brought myself to ask her out. Then she told me that she’s gay.

We still are friends, I haven’t brought that up again. We keep inviting each other to things. I keep trying to think of her platonically, but sometimes, I fall off the wagon. Like, I sometimes start feeling the same butterflies thinking of her, getting all sad that I can’t be with her, and then I start beating myself up over me feeling this way. Like, I KNOW nothing is going to happen between us, through no fault of my own.

I still want to be friends with her though. How do I fall out of love with her?

Fool In Love

DEAR FOOL IN LOVE: I’m going to give you some advice, FIL, but it’s going to take some effort to put it into practice. I say this because the problems you’re having are all in your head. Not that they’re imaginary; what you feel is real. When I say that they’re in your head, I mean it’s literally a self-defined, self-perpetuating problem, one that’s born out of the way you’re thinking about this.

However, it’s important to recognize that the fact that this is all in your head doesn’t mean that this is something to beat yourself up over, to blame yourself over or otherwise punish yourself for. Instead, I want you to recognize this as an opportunity for some meta-cognition; I want you to think about how you’re thinking about things and how that’s affecting your situation. As the sage once said: there is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

The way you’re thinking about this is what’s making you feel awful. Change how you think about it and you’ll change how you relate to the situation.

Let’s start with the obvious and address the labeling issue: you’re not in love with your friend. You’re attracted to her, certainly. You enjoy her company. But what you’re feeling is limerence, not love. The two are easy to mistake for one another, especially if you don’t have a lot of relationship experience, but they’re not the same. Limerence is the fancy name for “puppy love”; the intrusive thoughts, the all-consuming desire and the feelings of melancholy are part of the experience.

It’s important to recognize these feelings for what they are, because it becomes part of how you get these inconvenient emotions under control. When you’re describing these feelings as “love”, you’re creating a scenario in your head that makes this so much more. It focuses your attention around the idea that this is a great tragedy, that it’s a defining moment and that it will have a deep and abiding impact on you. Giving up this love will leave a hole in your heart that will never truly be filled; you’ll simply become numb to it over time.

In reality, this is a passing fancy. You had a moment of emotional intimacy with someone you find attractive – a platonic moment of intimacy, but intimacy none the less. That was exciting! It may be something you’re not used to! The novelty of it, the thrill of it… that set your mind and hormones off and got your engine humming. It probably felt incredible!

But it’s not love. You barely know her, you’ve only really interacted with her like this once and then your imagination filled in the rest with your idealized version of her that has very little relationship to reality. That is what you’re reacting to, not the reality of her.

The reality is… well, she’s not right for you. Not as a potential romantic partner anyway. And now the pain you feel is trying to reconcile these two different versions – the fantasy and the reality of her.

So the first step is simply to relabel this. It’s not love. It’s a crush, that’s all. It can feel intense, it can seem like it will last forever, but it’s a momentary thing. Labeling it when you feel these feelings – “yup, there’s my crush on her, again” – defangs much of the immensity of it all. People get impossible crushes all the time – crushes on people who aren’t attracted to the crushee’s gender, crushes on people in relationships, even on fictional characters. Crushes aren’t anything to be taken seriously; you experience them and then they pass.

Just as importantly though: crushes aren’t something to beat yourself up over. This is something to keep in mind because beating yourself up over having a crush on someone is kind of absurd. Leaving aside that liking someone who isn’t going to like you back the same way isn’t something deserving of punishment, what, precisely is beating yourself up going to do? How is it helping to hurt yourself over these feelings? You can’t shame yourself out of liking someone. You can’t shame yourself into not feeling things, nor is shame and self-recrimination going to make things better. All this does is reinforce that you’re somehow bad and deserving of scorn. Why? Because she’s gay? So? Because it won’t happen? Big fat hairy deal. You’re not bad, stupid or cringe for having a crush. It happens.

And not to put too fine a point on it: punishing yourself for having these feelings just serves to reinforce the fact that you’re feeling them. All you’re doing is reminding yourself that you’re attracted to her, centering the state of having this impossible, inconvenient crush in your mind. Focusing your attention on those feelings only makes them linger, even when it’s negative attention. You’re not letting the feelings drift; you feel them, you go into that cycle of attention and recrimination and spend even more time thinking about those feels.

But if you were to just not focus on those feelings, you might notice that they don’t actually last. Without your attention to keep them at the forefront of your mind, they’d blip in and blip out again, same as anything else. If you over-toasted your bagel in the morning, do you feel that disappointment or irritation all day? Or does that irritation vanish when you have something else to occupy your brain, not to be thought of again?

The same goes with your feelings for your friend. You don’t need to force them away when they come up, you just notice them and label them and just turn your attention elsewhere.

So instead of beating yourself up, forgive yourself. You got a little over-excited over what is ultimately you making a new friend and it got away from you. That’s perfectly natural and normal. It’s a bit embarrassing but the sort of embarrassment you can laugh at yourself over. So go ahead and do that. That rueful but affectionate laughter is far better for you than smacking yourself around because you got a harmless crush on a queer woman.

The final thing to do is to stop running from the good feelings. You and this woman are becoming friends! You’re doing stuff together! That’s all great! Punching yourself in the face, metaphorically, for having feelings for someone you’re having a good time with is counterproductive. Instead, you can reframe this in your head as “I’m making a new friend and that’s awesome! I’m excited that I’m becoming closer with this cool person!” and actually enjoy your time with them.

That’s going to be far more productive – and emotionally healthy – than beating yourself silly over this.

Forgive yourself for getting a bit over your skis’ in your excitement, recognize that what you’re feeling is just a crush and let yourself enjoy and appreciate what you do have as you get to know your new friend, rather than being upset that you fell for a fantasy born out of (understandable) enthusiasm. You’ll feel much, much better. I promise.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long-time reader from my single days to my currently happily married life. I have a question that I think a lot of other guys would appreciate your advice on. I am trying to revamp my hairstyle and beard into a longer style but am not sure how to figure out what is best for me and communicate it to a barber.

You’ve touched on this a couple times in the past with some good advice for finding a celebrity with similar features whose style you like, and that has been a good starting point for me (I want to go for something between Sheriff Hassan in Midnight Mass and Lazlo from What we do in the Shadows). I can get solid results by showing a picture to the barber, but I have two lingering problems.

First, I don’t really have the vocabulary to describe what I want. I picture is good, but I’m sure the barber would appreciate a more precise description to help apply that picture to my face and hair. For example, the hair on the left side of my head poofs out further than the right as it grows, so a good haircut in the shop won’t look nearly as good two weeks later.

This lead to the second problem. I’m not sure if I’m actually choosing a good style for what I want. I would really like an expert to help me find the style that works best for me. But I given the limited instructions I can offer a barber, I think they are understandably hesitant to be very adventurous in the advice they offer or cut they give me. Also, if I’ve booked 30-60 minutes for a cut, we can’t spend much of that time figuring out what to do.

Women’s salons seem to offer style consultations, but I’ve never seen the option listed at a men’s barbershop. I’ve done some googling on men’s fashion advice, but the consultants seem focused on wardrobes and also targeting an executive style and price that I’m not interested in.

What’s the best way to get some expert hairstyle advice tailored for me?

– Good Hair to Great Hair

DEAR GOOD HAIR TO GREAT HAIR: This is a great question, GHGH, and not one I get regularly, so I appreciate your writing in!

So I have some good news for you and some areas where you could adjust things a smidge and get the sort of results that you’re looking for.

The good news is that you’re doing a lot of things right. Having an example of what you’re looking for is invaluable, especially if you don’t know what to ask for or how to ask for it. Being able to show a picture to your barber and stylist and say “I’d like this, please” is incredibly helpful; it will help make sure that you and they have the same idea of what you want than if you ask for “a little long on top, tapered to the back and sides and a hard part on the left”.

So since you have a good starting point, let’s talk more about how to adjust things to help ensure that you’re getting that awesome hair cut. My first suggestion is that you should consider going to a salon for this stage of the process, not a barbershop. Don’t worry about going to a salon as a guy; they’re not “women’s” spaces exclusively. This is another area where the gender divide is basically an illusion; more men go to barbershops because of the perception of salons being for women rather than the reality. Just about every stylist you would meet there is going to be experienced with cutting men’s hair, and when you make an appointment, the receptionist should be able to guide you to a stylist who’s going to be ready to help get what you need.

While things have certainly changed over time, a lot of barbershops tend to be better for simpler, more easily maintained styles that don’t involve complicated cuts or processes. More often than not, you’re going to find that a lot of barbershop cuts involve clippers and some scissors – these can be tools of incredible art in the hands of a master, but it can take a master to really make some styles work with clippers and trimmers. Plus, a lot of barbershops work on speed and volume and thus tend to be in-and-out sorts of places.

(This won’t always be true of every barbershop and you may well find that some shops – especially ones that primarily cater to younger African-American clients and clients with more textured hair – will be precisely what you’re looking for.)

A salon, on the other hand, is going to be a more leisurely experience. Amongst other things, since you aren’t going to feel as pressed for time, you’ll have more of an opportunity to talk to your stylist about precisely what you want. This is actually going to be invaluable for you, in part because having a reference is the starting point. A style that you like may simply not work on you because of the thickness, coarseness or texture of your hair, or it may not frame your face as well as you’d prefer. You may also not have enough hair grown out to get that exact look. In all of these cases, your stylist can help you decide if you still want to go for that specific cut, or help adapt it so that the look will be right for you. That tendency for your hair to puff out like a dandelion? Tell them about it; they can adjust the cut to include this or tell you how you might use this product or that one to keep it under control until it grows a bit more and lays down on its own.

This more leisurely experience can also help make sure that your haircut looks its best. One thing that we often don’t think about is how the actual topology of our heads can affect our hair styles. The shape of your skull – do you have a high central ridge? Do you have sibling-dents or grooves? Do you have a hair-swirl growth pattern at the back of your cranium? – can affect how your hair looks, even if it’s cut exactly like Rahul Kohli’s glorious mane; a good stylist is going to take time to adjust the cut to factor in these unique differences and make sure you get the results you want instead of running the risk of looking like someone used the warp tool in Photoshop on your new coif.

Your stylist can also help you figure out how to describe what you want or how to tell future barbers or stylists what you’ve done when you want to go get your new cut freshened up. Don’t worry, just about every stylist you meet will be willing to help you learn the terms you’re reaching for that’ll help ensure you get the results you want.

However, it’s worth noting that you may not want to go back to your barber. One thing that a lot of guys often don’t realize is that finding a good barber or stylist is like a relationship; you want someone you’re compatible with, who understands you and gets what you’re saying. If you click with your stylist or barber, you’ll want to go see them, specifically, instead of trusting to whomever may be available at the time.

Do some Googling, check reviews on Yelp or Facebook or even check the salon’s Instagram page and you’ll likely find places where you’ll feel comfortable, where you won’t feel out of place with the clientele and you’ll know who’s giving great cuts. Then make an appointment and bring some references. You’ll look great, afterwards.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 28 years old. I have never held a girl’s hand, hug the girl, kissed, or had sex.

I feel like a loser and a failure in life because I see so many people at school and work having done this many times.

I just want to know how to stop being an incel, how to stop being this worthless piece of trash that I feel like I am everyday.

I have no college degree, career, or training certification. I also have no driver’s license, car, or place of my own. Which in turn contributes to my poverty and social isolation.

I don’t form healthy relationships with people outside of my regular day-to-day activities. And I feel like this is what contributes to my deteriorating mindset of an incel.

The good news about myself is that I am taking three classes at two colleges at once, I am a cashier at a supermarket, I am a second semester intern, and I help take care of my family.

But it seems to simply not be enough to attract women. What is it about women that I’m not getting? Why am I not able to get laid?

Want To Be Better

DEAR WANT TO BE BETTER: I want to start off with telling you that I’m glad you’re reaching out about this. Recognizing that you’re in an unhealthy place and it needs to change is an important and vital first step and it’s great that you’ve reached that.

The next step is going to be recognizing a flaw in your thinking – a flaw that’s shared by a lot of men – that’s at the root of some of your issues. But since a lot of folks don’t recognize this disconnect, I want to approach it from a different angle. This is going to seem a bit odd at first. Stick with me; I promise this is going somewhere relevant.

One of my favorite books growing up was The Last Unicorn, by Peter S. Beagle. Toward the middle of the book, two characters – Prince Lír and Molly Grue – have a discussion regarding Lír’s feelings for the Lady Amalthea and why she won’t return them:

“But what’s left on earth that I haven’t tried?” Prince Lír demanded. “I have swum four rivers, each in full flood and none less than a mile wide. I have climbed seven mountains never before climbed, slept three nights in the Marsh of the Hanged Men, and walked alive out of that forest where the flowers burn your eyes and the nightingales sing poison. I have ended my betrothal to the princess I had agreed to marry — and if you don’t think that was a heroic deed, you don’t know her mother. I have vanquished exactly fifteen black knights waiting by fifteen fords in their black pavilions, challenging all who come to cross. And I’ve long since lost count of the witches in the thorny woods, the giants, the demons disguised as damsels; the glass hills, fatal riddles, and terrible tasks; the magic apples, rings, lamps, potions, swords, cloaks, boots, neckties, and nightcaps. Not to mention the winged horses, the basilisks and sea serpents, and all the rest of the livestock.” He raised his head, and the dark blue eyes were confused and sad.

“And all for nothing,” he said. “I cannot touch her, whatever I do. For her sake, I have become a hero — I, sleepy Lír, my father’s sport and shame — but I might as well have remained the dull fool I was. My great deeds mean nothing to her.”

“Then perhaps the Lady Amalthea is not to be won by great deeds.”

That last line is important. What Lír accomplishes is unquestionably impressive; he’s done amazing and impossible things, the things that a great hero does to win the heart of a princess. But those are in stories, not the real world, and the real world doesn’t follow story logic. What ultimately wins Amalthea’s heart aren’t great deeds, it’s that Lír actually tries to make her happy. Once he engages with how she feels and connects with her as a person and not a thing to be won, she starts to fall for him.

Now, I bring this up because when you list the things that you are either lacking or have going for you that to bring women in your life are all… just stuff. Women aren’t dating your college degree or your bank account. People in general (with rare – and not terribly popular – exceptions) don’t list someone’s qualities in a spreadsheet and date whomever gets the most points in the end.

Expensive cars are lovely to look at and occasionally fun to drive, but they don’t attract women. Having a huge apartment or six figures in your bank account are nice, but they’re not things to put on your dating profile to attract the ladies, because that’s ultimately not what women are looking for. Or, rather, including these will attract women who are attracted by material goods, not people.

Similarly, having a job isn’t automatically going to make women want to sleep with you, nor will taking multiple college courses. These are all good things, don’t get me wrong. They’re things that make it easier to keep and maintain a relationship, but they’re not what’s going to make women want to date you. And they’re certainly not the things that make someone want to have sex with you.

Are women looking for men with steady employment and a stable living situation? Sure. But that’s more about wanting to date someone who’s able to handle their responsibilities, who is likely to be an equal partner in the relationship instead of someone who needs somebody else to take care of them. But that’s not the same thing as being attractive to women. That’s someone saying “Ok, you’re attractive, I like you, but would dating you mean that I’m going to be having to manage your life as well as mine? Are we going to be going in such different directions that we’re not compatible with one another?”

The thing that makes someone more likely to want to date you or sleep with you is how you make them feel when they’re with you. It’s the soft skills – knowing how to talk to people, how to connect with them and how to make them feel good – that make you desirable.

That, it seems, is your biggest issue. You say it yourself: “I don’t form healthy relationships with people outside of my regular day-to-day activities.” As the saying goes: Well there’s your problem. If you’re not forming healthy relationships with people, that’s going to affect everything. The social skills you use to make friends, network with others and generally interact with the world are the same ones that help you be more charismatic and attractive to women.

Now that’s easy for me to say; it’s a little harder to implement, especially when you’re feeling like trash. The famous Ru Paul quote – “If you don’t love yourself how the hell are you gonna love anyone else” applies here. What it means is that loving yourself is an important step towards being able to accept love from others and give it in return. It’s much harder to accept that someone wants to actually be your friend or your lover when you can’t believe that anyone would want to have anything to do with you.

And much of this stems from how you see yourself. You lead with all these supposed faults that are apparently supposed to “explain” why you’re socially isolated and unsuccessful. But these aren’t actually faults or flaws. They’re just data points, information, not an actual measure of your worth. You don’t have a car or driver’s license? Ok… and? Many people don’t. Some don’t because they live in large metropolitan areas with mass transit options and a car would be an unnecessary expense. Some don’t because they can’t afford a car, but get by without it. That doesn’t make them “lesser”. It makes things more inconvenient, sure – American towns and cities in particular are built around car ownership – but that’s not a measure of your personal value.

Similarly, you live with your parents. But not only is that not unusual in many countries, but over half of adults aged 18-29 in the United States live with their parents. You’re in the majority of the people your age. And considering how out of control rent is, how corporations are snapping up houses, condos and apartments and hoarding them like a dragon hoarding treasure, how salaries haven’t kept pace with inflation and how home ownership has been put out of reach of most Millennials and Gen-Z, this is likely going to be even more common as time goes by. That’s not some strange failure to launch, that’s you dealing with economic realities that’re busy screwing over you and many others in your generation.

And honestly? You have qualities that prove that this isn’t a case of your being too lazy, incompetent, unambitious, dumb or whatever, it’s that you – like most of your generation – are doing the best you can having been dealt a less than optimal hand. You’re taking classes, you’re holding down a steady job and you’re supporting your parents. You’re demonstrating ambition, care for your family and drive. Those are all admirable qualities, things that show you’re a good guy. Now, waving those around like a flag aren’t going to be what draw women to you – like I said, that’s not how dating and attraction work – but they are reasons to not be so down on yourself that you pre-reject yourself with potential friends and relationships. They’re the things to tell yourself when your jerkbrain – or other incels who try to drag you down – tells you that your worthless.

So my suggestion is to take things slow. To start with, you need to change how you see yourself. That part is, admittedly, difficult. You may need to work with a counselor or therapist to help unpack these negative, self-limiting beliefs you have and to cultivate a more positive self-image. But doing this will go a long way towards helping you feel like you’re able to actually do something about your sense of loneliness and isolation.

You can also help chase away those brain weasels by taking positive steps towards the future you want. Just opening a savings account and putting aside money for a used car or first and last month’s rent for an apartment (with roommates) can help you feel like you’re actually making progress. It may take time to save up a decent stake, but just having something you can point to and say “see, I’m getting there” can make the brain weasels shut up.

One thing I wouldn’t suggest right now is trying to date. Yes, I know that’s what you want more than anything in the world and being told to not try for that is the literal opposite of what you’re asking for. But there’s a reason why I think you should de-emphasize dating and focus more on just building a social life.

You’re in a place right now where you need to walk before you run. If you can’t maintain healthy, platonic relationships outside of work, then you’re not going to be in a position to maintain a healthy romantic or sexual relationship. You can certainly try, but I think you’re going to encounter more setbacks, more untenable situations and have a higher risk of encountering toxic partners or getting stuck in a toxic situation.

So what I would suggest is that you start with simply making friends and cultivating healthy relationships with other people. You can start with people you know at work that you get along with, or you could find activities you enjoy and use those to connect with people who also enjoy them. Building a social network of people – preferably in person – who care for you, want the best for you, who support you and cheer you on is important. It’s going to be important for your self-esteem, for your emotional health and for the health of your future relationships. Plus: having a solid base of friends and acquaintances who you like and who like you makes it much easier to find people who you’ll want to date… and who will want to date you.

The last thing I will say is the same thing I say to everyone who comes to me asking about how they can leave being an incel behind: get off the Internet. I have yet to see a community for involuntary celibates or incels that doesn’t tend to turn to a toxic, hateful stew that’s more dedicated towards directing hate at women and themselves than actual support or improvement. The sooner you get away from communities that tell you to believe the worst in yourself, that women hate you and are right to do so or that insist you should use your anger to punish others, the faster you’ll find that mindset recedes.

Work on these aspects of your life, and you won’t be an incel any longer.

Write back and keep us updated on how you’re doing.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com