DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long-time reader from my single days to my currently happily married life. I have a question that I think a lot of other guys would appreciate your advice on. I am trying to revamp my hairstyle and beard into a longer style but am not sure how to figure out what is best for me and communicate it to a barber.

You’ve touched on this a couple times in the past with some good advice for finding a celebrity with similar features whose style you like, and that has been a good starting point for me (I want to go for something between Sheriff Hassan in Midnight Mass and Lazlo from What we do in the Shadows). I can get solid results by showing a picture to the barber, but I have two lingering problems.

First, I don’t really have the vocabulary to describe what I want. I picture is good, but I’m sure the barber would appreciate a more precise description to help apply that picture to my face and hair. For example, the hair on the left side of my head poofs out further than the right as it grows, so a good haircut in the shop won’t look nearly as good two weeks later.

This lead to the second problem. I’m not sure if I’m actually choosing a good style for what I want. I would really like an expert to help me find the style that works best for me. But I given the limited instructions I can offer a barber, I think they are understandably hesitant to be very adventurous in the advice they offer or cut they give me. Also, if I’ve booked 30-60 minutes for a cut, we can’t spend much of that time figuring out what to do.

Women’s salons seem to offer style consultations, but I’ve never seen the option listed at a men’s barbershop. I’ve done some googling on men’s fashion advice, but the consultants seem focused on wardrobes and also targeting an executive style and price that I’m not interested in.

What’s the best way to get some expert hairstyle advice tailored for me?

– Good Hair to Great Hair

DEAR GOOD HAIR TO GREAT HAIR: This is a great question, GHGH, and not one I get regularly, so I appreciate your writing in!

So I have some good news for you and some areas where you could adjust things a smidge and get the sort of results that you’re looking for.

The good news is that you’re doing a lot of things right. Having an example of what you’re looking for is invaluable, especially if you don’t know what to ask for or how to ask for it. Being able to show a picture to your barber and stylist and say “I’d like this, please” is incredibly helpful; it will help make sure that you and they have the same idea of what you want than if you ask for “a little long on top, tapered to the back and sides and a hard part on the left”.

So since you have a good starting point, let’s talk more about how to adjust things to help ensure that you’re getting that awesome hair cut. My first suggestion is that you should consider going to a salon for this stage of the process, not a barbershop. Don’t worry about going to a salon as a guy; they’re not “women’s” spaces exclusively. This is another area where the gender divide is basically an illusion; more men go to barbershops because of the perception of salons being for women rather than the reality. Just about every stylist you would meet there is going to be experienced with cutting men’s hair, and when you make an appointment, the receptionist should be able to guide you to a stylist who’s going to be ready to help get what you need.

While things have certainly changed over time, a lot of barbershops tend to be better for simpler, more easily maintained styles that don’t involve complicated cuts or processes. More often than not, you’re going to find that a lot of barbershop cuts involve clippers and some scissors – these can be tools of incredible art in the hands of a master, but it can take a master to really make some styles work with clippers and trimmers. Plus, a lot of barbershops work on speed and volume and thus tend to be in-and-out sorts of places.

(This won’t always be true of every barbershop and you may well find that some shops – especially ones that primarily cater to younger African-American clients and clients with more textured hair – will be precisely what you’re looking for.)

A salon, on the other hand, is going to be a more leisurely experience. Amongst other things, since you aren’t going to feel as pressed for time, you’ll have more of an opportunity to talk to your stylist about precisely what you want. This is actually going to be invaluable for you, in part because having a reference is the starting point. A style that you like may simply not work on you because of the thickness, coarseness or texture of your hair, or it may not frame your face as well as you’d prefer. You may also not have enough hair grown out to get that exact look. In all of these cases, your stylist can help you decide if you still want to go for that specific cut, or help adapt it so that the look will be right for you. That tendency for your hair to puff out like a dandelion? Tell them about it; they can adjust the cut to include this or tell you how you might use this product or that one to keep it under control until it grows a bit more and lays down on its own.

This more leisurely experience can also help make sure that your haircut looks its best. One thing that we often don’t think about is how the actual topology of our heads can affect our hair styles. The shape of your skull – do you have a high central ridge? Do you have sibling-dents or grooves? Do you have a hair-swirl growth pattern at the back of your cranium? – can affect how your hair looks, even if it’s cut exactly like Rahul Kohli’s glorious mane; a good stylist is going to take time to adjust the cut to factor in these unique differences and make sure you get the results you want instead of running the risk of looking like someone used the warp tool in Photoshop on your new coif.

Your stylist can also help you figure out how to describe what you want or how to tell future barbers or stylists what you’ve done when you want to go get your new cut freshened up. Don’t worry, just about every stylist you meet will be willing to help you learn the terms you’re reaching for that’ll help ensure you get the results you want.

However, it’s worth noting that you may not want to go back to your barber. One thing that a lot of guys often don’t realize is that finding a good barber or stylist is like a relationship; you want someone you’re compatible with, who understands you and gets what you’re saying. If you click with your stylist or barber, you’ll want to go see them, specifically, instead of trusting to whomever may be available at the time.

Do some Googling, check reviews on Yelp or Facebook or even check the salon’s Instagram page and you’ll likely find places where you’ll feel comfortable, where you won’t feel out of place with the clientele and you’ll know who’s giving great cuts. Then make an appointment and bring some references. You’ll look great, afterwards.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 28 years old. I have never held a girl’s hand, hug the girl, kissed, or had sex.

I feel like a loser and a failure in life because I see so many people at school and work having done this many times.

I just want to know how to stop being an incel, how to stop being this worthless piece of trash that I feel like I am everyday.

I have no college degree, career, or training certification. I also have no driver’s license, car, or place of my own. Which in turn contributes to my poverty and social isolation.

I don’t form healthy relationships with people outside of my regular day-to-day activities. And I feel like this is what contributes to my deteriorating mindset of an incel.

The good news about myself is that I am taking three classes at two colleges at once, I am a cashier at a supermarket, I am a second semester intern, and I help take care of my family.

But it seems to simply not be enough to attract women. What is it about women that I’m not getting? Why am I not able to get laid?

Want To Be Better

DEAR WANT TO BE BETTER: I want to start off with telling you that I’m glad you’re reaching out about this. Recognizing that you’re in an unhealthy place and it needs to change is an important and vital first step and it’s great that you’ve reached that.

The next step is going to be recognizing a flaw in your thinking – a flaw that’s shared by a lot of men – that’s at the root of some of your issues. But since a lot of folks don’t recognize this disconnect, I want to approach it from a different angle. This is going to seem a bit odd at first. Stick with me; I promise this is going somewhere relevant.

One of my favorite books growing up was The Last Unicorn, by Peter S. Beagle. Toward the middle of the book, two characters – Prince Lír and Molly Grue – have a discussion regarding Lír’s feelings for the Lady Amalthea and why she won’t return them:

“But what’s left on earth that I haven’t tried?” Prince Lír demanded. “I have swum four rivers, each in full flood and none less than a mile wide. I have climbed seven mountains never before climbed, slept three nights in the Marsh of the Hanged Men, and walked alive out of that forest where the flowers burn your eyes and the nightingales sing poison. I have ended my betrothal to the princess I had agreed to marry — and if you don’t think that was a heroic deed, you don’t know her mother. I have vanquished exactly fifteen black knights waiting by fifteen fords in their black pavilions, challenging all who come to cross. And I’ve long since lost count of the witches in the thorny woods, the giants, the demons disguised as damsels; the glass hills, fatal riddles, and terrible tasks; the magic apples, rings, lamps, potions, swords, cloaks, boots, neckties, and nightcaps. Not to mention the winged horses, the basilisks and sea serpents, and all the rest of the livestock.” He raised his head, and the dark blue eyes were confused and sad.

“And all for nothing,” he said. “I cannot touch her, whatever I do. For her sake, I have become a hero — I, sleepy Lír, my father’s sport and shame — but I might as well have remained the dull fool I was. My great deeds mean nothing to her.”

“Then perhaps the Lady Amalthea is not to be won by great deeds.”

That last line is important. What Lír accomplishes is unquestionably impressive; he’s done amazing and impossible things, the things that a great hero does to win the heart of a princess. But those are in stories, not the real world, and the real world doesn’t follow story logic. What ultimately wins Amalthea’s heart aren’t great deeds, it’s that Lír actually tries to make her happy. Once he engages with how she feels and connects with her as a person and not a thing to be won, she starts to fall for him.

Now, I bring this up because when you list the things that you are either lacking or have going for you that to bring women in your life are all… just stuff. Women aren’t dating your college degree or your bank account. People in general (with rare – and not terribly popular – exceptions) don’t list someone’s qualities in a spreadsheet and date whomever gets the most points in the end.

Expensive cars are lovely to look at and occasionally fun to drive, but they don’t attract women. Having a huge apartment or six figures in your bank account are nice, but they’re not things to put on your dating profile to attract the ladies, because that’s ultimately not what women are looking for. Or, rather, including these will attract women who are attracted by material goods, not people.

Similarly, having a job isn’t automatically going to make women want to sleep with you, nor will taking multiple college courses. These are all good things, don’t get me wrong. They’re things that make it easier to keep and maintain a relationship, but they’re not what’s going to make women want to date you. And they’re certainly not the things that make someone want to have sex with you.

Are women looking for men with steady employment and a stable living situation? Sure. But that’s more about wanting to date someone who’s able to handle their responsibilities, who is likely to be an equal partner in the relationship instead of someone who needs somebody else to take care of them. But that’s not the same thing as being attractive to women. That’s someone saying “Ok, you’re attractive, I like you, but would dating you mean that I’m going to be having to manage your life as well as mine? Are we going to be going in such different directions that we’re not compatible with one another?”

The thing that makes someone more likely to want to date you or sleep with you is how you make them feel when they’re with you. It’s the soft skills – knowing how to talk to people, how to connect with them and how to make them feel good – that make you desirable.

That, it seems, is your biggest issue. You say it yourself: “I don’t form healthy relationships with people outside of my regular day-to-day activities.” As the saying goes: Well there’s your problem. If you’re not forming healthy relationships with people, that’s going to affect everything. The social skills you use to make friends, network with others and generally interact with the world are the same ones that help you be more charismatic and attractive to women.

Now that’s easy for me to say; it’s a little harder to implement, especially when you’re feeling like trash. The famous Ru Paul quote – “If you don’t love yourself how the hell are you gonna love anyone else” applies here. What it means is that loving yourself is an important step towards being able to accept love from others and give it in return. It’s much harder to accept that someone wants to actually be your friend or your lover when you can’t believe that anyone would want to have anything to do with you.

And much of this stems from how you see yourself. You lead with all these supposed faults that are apparently supposed to “explain” why you’re socially isolated and unsuccessful. But these aren’t actually faults or flaws. They’re just data points, information, not an actual measure of your worth. You don’t have a car or driver’s license? Ok… and? Many people don’t. Some don’t because they live in large metropolitan areas with mass transit options and a car would be an unnecessary expense. Some don’t because they can’t afford a car, but get by without it. That doesn’t make them “lesser”. It makes things more inconvenient, sure – American towns and cities in particular are built around car ownership – but that’s not a measure of your personal value.

Similarly, you live with your parents. But not only is that not unusual in many countries, but over half of adults aged 18-29 in the United States live with their parents. You’re in the majority of the people your age. And considering how out of control rent is, how corporations are snapping up houses, condos and apartments and hoarding them like a dragon hoarding treasure, how salaries haven’t kept pace with inflation and how home ownership has been put out of reach of most Millennials and Gen-Z, this is likely going to be even more common as time goes by. That’s not some strange failure to launch, that’s you dealing with economic realities that’re busy screwing over you and many others in your generation.

And honestly? You have qualities that prove that this isn’t a case of your being too lazy, incompetent, unambitious, dumb or whatever, it’s that you – like most of your generation – are doing the best you can having been dealt a less than optimal hand. You’re taking classes, you’re holding down a steady job and you’re supporting your parents. You’re demonstrating ambition, care for your family and drive. Those are all admirable qualities, things that show you’re a good guy. Now, waving those around like a flag aren’t going to be what draw women to you – like I said, that’s not how dating and attraction work – but they are reasons to not be so down on yourself that you pre-reject yourself with potential friends and relationships. They’re the things to tell yourself when your jerkbrain – or other incels who try to drag you down – tells you that your worthless.

So my suggestion is to take things slow. To start with, you need to change how you see yourself. That part is, admittedly, difficult. You may need to work with a counselor or therapist to help unpack these negative, self-limiting beliefs you have and to cultivate a more positive self-image. But doing this will go a long way towards helping you feel like you’re able to actually do something about your sense of loneliness and isolation.

You can also help chase away those brain weasels by taking positive steps towards the future you want. Just opening a savings account and putting aside money for a used car or first and last month’s rent for an apartment (with roommates) can help you feel like you’re actually making progress. It may take time to save up a decent stake, but just having something you can point to and say “see, I’m getting there” can make the brain weasels shut up.

One thing I wouldn’t suggest right now is trying to date. Yes, I know that’s what you want more than anything in the world and being told to not try for that is the literal opposite of what you’re asking for. But there’s a reason why I think you should de-emphasize dating and focus more on just building a social life.

You’re in a place right now where you need to walk before you run. If you can’t maintain healthy, platonic relationships outside of work, then you’re not going to be in a position to maintain a healthy romantic or sexual relationship. You can certainly try, but I think you’re going to encounter more setbacks, more untenable situations and have a higher risk of encountering toxic partners or getting stuck in a toxic situation.

So what I would suggest is that you start with simply making friends and cultivating healthy relationships with other people. You can start with people you know at work that you get along with, or you could find activities you enjoy and use those to connect with people who also enjoy them. Building a social network of people – preferably in person – who care for you, want the best for you, who support you and cheer you on is important. It’s going to be important for your self-esteem, for your emotional health and for the health of your future relationships. Plus: having a solid base of friends and acquaintances who you like and who like you makes it much easier to find people who you’ll want to date… and who will want to date you.

The last thing I will say is the same thing I say to everyone who comes to me asking about how they can leave being an incel behind: get off the Internet. I have yet to see a community for involuntary celibates or incels that doesn’t tend to turn to a toxic, hateful stew that’s more dedicated towards directing hate at women and themselves than actual support or improvement. The sooner you get away from communities that tell you to believe the worst in yourself, that women hate you and are right to do so or that insist you should use your anger to punish others, the faster you’ll find that mindset recedes.

Work on these aspects of your life, and you won’t be an incel any longer.

Write back and keep us updated on how you’re doing.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Perhaps you can shine your Piercing Light Of Man Wisdom into this weird medieval tangle.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 7 years. He’s in his early 40s and I’m a few years older. We are both a bit weird and our weirdness fit together wonderfully. We have always had incredibly strong chemistry on every level, including physically. We want to spend our lives together and talk about our plans for the future on a regular basis. But over the past year or so something strange has been happening.

My bf’s initiation of sex has vastly diminished – we are down to once every month if I’m lucky. When it does happen, the chemistry is there still but it does seem hard for him to come. We’ve talked about it and it seems to be something mental rather than related to masturbation frequency or techniques. I have made a point of trying to initiate more, but it isn’t that easy and sometimes he won’t have much response at all, even though he is very cuddly. I do all the things: appeal to the visual (lingerie, etc), try novel times and techniques, etc. Sometimes it works but more often he just wants to stop and cuddle and I feel like a stuffed bear instead of an object of desire.

Now, my bf has a history of cyclical quasi-asexuality. In the past it has seemed to align with times when he is involved with a new video game. He is an avid, long-time gamer (of the questing in fantastical lands with cute animal sidekicks as opposed to the blowing black ops guts out variety, if that makes a difference.) I’ve accepted this as part of his rhythms because games have always been important and enjoyable to him (he’s a collector and all that). But a couple years ago he was able to retire early and now spends more of his time playing, and I’m wondering if that could be related. Is it possible that sex just isn’t interesting because I can’t compete with the fantastical journeys he goes on digitally?

I have to be clear that I don’t doubt that he loves me, and that he wants me around or to be around me as much as possible. He loves to cuddle and prefers that to sex. He has told me that he loves me now than he ever has and I believe from all his other actions (other than the sex part) that he is being sincere and truthful. Neither of us are into porn, and there is no one else he is involved with (again, just trust me on the fact that I don’t think either of these things are in the mix).

To compound matters, I am approaching menopause and his lack of interest in sex has me grieving. I take care of myself and look pretty much the same as I always have, but inside I feel vulnerable. I fear I am facing the end of my life as a desirable woman and it feels super painful and lonely. I’ve wondered if the change in his desire is my fault, due to a difference in my pheromone signaling as I go through menopause. Is that even a thing? I don’t know, I’m casting about for answers.

I ask him about what’s going on and he says, with all authenticity and sincerity: I don’t know, I only know I care about you now more than I ever have and that only increases as time goes on, and I only care about you being okay, I want to protect you, I want you to feel happy and good. He is definitely willing to use a vibrator whenever I ask to provide me with an orgasm, but it is hard for me to do that because it feels like I’m just being serviced. After many tears on my end one night he finally admitted to me that being sexual somehow feels like it disrespects me and the more he loves me the harder it is to be in that mode. That’s weird to hear because it’s not like we haven’t had sex hundreds of times over the years. Why does it disrespect me now? He seems honestly a bit mystified by the whole thing himself.

I feel like I somehow became too precious of a treasure to take out and play with… like, well, a collectible. It is hard for him to understand that for me, as a woman, I can’t really separate sex and love and that the lack of sex makes me feel rejected and unloved. In his heart of hearts, I suspect him holding me in this sort of protective chastity feels almost like the ultimate compliment to him, in a strange way, though I doubt he is conscious of that.

Can you give me some insight into this mindset and tell me if there is anything I can do to avoid being shuffled off to the nunnery, metaphorically? Do I need to procure an assortment of toys, and focus on him “servicing” me and get over the fact he isn’t that aroused by it? Or do I just need to prepare my wimple and chastity belt and accept that my sex life is over? Is there even a fix? (And I’m sure therapy is fantastic but I can tell you that won’t happen with him, so we are either solving this on our own or not solving it.)

–Didn’t Ask To Become A Madonna

DEAR DIDN’T ASK TO BECOME A MADONNA: OK first things first, DATBM: menopause doesn’t mean you’re reaching the end of being sexually desirable. Your hormonal balance is changing with age, because entropy comes for us all in the end, but that doesn’t make you undesirable except in the minds of dudes who are creepily obsessed with women’s fertility…

…and let’s be honest, 9 times out of 10 that’s just them trying to justify perving on teenage girls.

If you’re not talking to your doc already about your options, I’d recommend starting there. But I’d also recommend reading Mona Eltahawy’s essay “Menopause Is S--t/ Menopause Is Amazing” as a way of starting to reframe things in your mind. Having a mindset that isn’t “welp, I guess this is the end of joy and connection” can help shift how you relate to what’s ultimately a change, not an ending.

But that’s a side-note to what’s bothering you. Let’s talk about your boyfriend and the sex you’re not having.

So, there’re a few things to consider. On the broadest and most general end of things, sex tends to become less frequent over time in a relationship. The exact rate of decline varies from relationship to relationship, but it does decrease. Much of this is just part of how we’re built; we’re a novelty-seeking species and we tend to have all the sex with new partners in part because, well, they’re new. That novelty, that mystery, that getting to know someone is exciting and our brains start pumping out more oxytocin and dopamine which means we’re literally getting high off them.

But as I’ve said before: we’re a highly adaptable species, and hedonic adaptation happens to us all. What is novel to us, no matter how exciting, eventually becomes the known. But while the passion may ebb, the connection, the affection and the intimacy often deepens.

Of course, while that’s all great, that doesn’t mean you don’t still want the passion. Or at least some passion. Especially if sex is an important part of your connection or what you need from a partner.

Now, there’re a lot of reasons why someone’s libido might start to taper off – reasons besides the fading of New Relationship Energy that is. Sometimes it’s a matter of stress, especially at work. Other times, it could be for pharmacological reasons – they’re taking medication that tanks their sex drive. SSRIs are especially notorious for not just killing people’s sex drives, but making it impossible for them to get up or get off at all. Some people have found that going on antidepressants mean that even if they wanted to have sex, they couldn’t get off if they were in a threesome with Jonathan Majors and Scarlett Johannsen and Marilyn Monroe doing the pushing. Diet, age, hormonal changes (it happens to cis men, too)… these can all put the kibosh on the ol’ get up and go.

If there’d been any notable changes in your boyfriend’s life about the time last year when things dropped to monthly – he went on a new medication, he took a pay cut, what-have-you, then that might be a reasonable place to start looking. Similarly, if he’s bothered by this, then getting into a urologist and getting his various bits poked, prodded, drawn and tested would be a good idea, if only to rule out anything horrible lurking in the depths.

But sometimes that’s not it either. Sometimes it’s more… personal.

This is where things get trickier. You mention that your partner’s long been cyclically uninterested in sex, and it especially peaks when he’s got a new game to dive into. I suspect that this may not be as cyclical as you think. Or rather: I think that you may be mistaking the cycle. From the sounds of it, I think that the asexual part of the cycle may be the norm, and the moments when his libido is more ascendant are the exceptions.

Asexuality, like other sexualities, tends to come on a spectrum and in a wild and woolly number of varieties. There’re folks who are sex-repulsed, folks who feel sexual desire once in a great while, folks who only start feeling sexual desire when they have a strong emotional connection for people. There’re also folks who are more sexual at the start of a relationship, but who lose interest fairly quickly over time if they stay with the same partner. If they find a new partner, the cycle is the same: hot and heavy at the start, fades quickly into non-interest. Some even find that this comes with emotional investment; the higher the emotional investment, the less sexual interest they have. Like the opposite of demisexuals.

It may be worth digging into this with your boyfriend. If he’s had a number of past relationships, especially long-term ones, has his libido followed the same pattern? Has he found that he always starts being less interested in sex and more in non-sexual forms of intimacy?

(More on that in a few…)

Now, I think there’re a couple things going on here. Like I said: I suspect that your boyfriend is more ace than you (and possibly he) previously realized, and I think it was easier for him to be sexual when the NRE was going strong. But as you both settled into the relationship, I think the cycles of lowered libido became harder to push through, and that’s part of the problem.

Another part of the problem is… well, I’m not sure if he’s being honest with you about the whys and wherefors about his lack of interest. Saying that “he respects you too much to f--k you”, especially years after being together seems sus to me. That sounds more like the excuse one gives when you don’t actually want to say what’s going on, because your partner’s in tears and you need to say something about it.

Now somebody call Sir MixxALot because here comes a big

BUT.

I don’t think he’s necessarily lying to you or telling you what he thinks you need to hear. I suspect that he doesn’t know why he’s not interested, just that he isn’t. If he honestly doesn’t know why he’s not interested and isn’t just trying to get out of having to say he’s lost attraction to you, then he may be as discomfited by this as you are. Or at least, he’s bothered by the fact that you’re bothered, even if it’s not that big of a deal to him. For him, it may not be as much of a problem, especially if he’s telling the truth that he prefers cuddling.

The problem, for him, is that it’s a problem for you and you’re looking to him for answers. Throwing out an answer, any answer, at least, gets him (and you) through the current crisis and buys some time. Whether that’s time to figure out what’s going on or time for you to settle into the new status quo is an exercise left to… well, you all, since you’re the ones who’re actually there.

So as much as I hate to say it, I think that this may well be the new status quo. I think that your boyfriend’s cyclical asexuality isn’t really cyclical any more. The question then becomes: so what happens now? You, clearly, aren’t done with having sex, and a sexual connection is important to you. This is where you and your boyfriend are going to have to start finding some compromises if you want to make this relationship work.

One of the things that you may want to do is consider your definitions of intimacy and affection. Much of what makes sex work is the intimacy and contact of it, the bodies intertwined, the heat and the friction. If you can understand that, for him, this sort of physical intimacy is like sex is for you, then that might help ease the feeling of being rejected or discarded. Yeah, you want orgasms too, and it certainly seems like he’s willing to help you in that department – this is one of the things that many counselors tell couples with mismatched libidos. Giving an orgasmic assist to the partner with the higher libido is often a way of bridging the gap between times when the less lusty partner is feeling it too, especially when matched with other forms of intimacy and affection.

Now you, understandably feel a little weird about this, like you’re being serviced. I hate to say this but… I suspect you’ve been having “service” sex more than you may have realized. I suspect that your boyfriend’s had more times when he wasn’t that into it, but wanted to do something for you because he cares for you and wants you to be happy. And while I understand that feels different from being desired… that’s not different from being loved. Sometimes we do things we’re not really into or not really feeling because we know our partner’s into it or enjoys it. The fact that we’re not the biggest fan of “it”, whatever it may be, may seem to take away from things… but honestly, I don’t think that’s an absolutely bad thing. You may not be into, I dunno, going to gatherings of other game collectors, but you go with him because he enjoys it and you enjoy seeing him have a good time. The same can be true for getting you off. It may not necessarily move his joystick, but he likes being able to do something for you that you love and need. It’s not the same as being panting with desire, but maybe it doesn’t have to be; it’s just a different flavor of love.

Another possibility is opening up the relationship. You want to feel desired, as well as loved. Wanting to be desired by the person you’ve built a life with and committed to is real, it’s valid and it’s not unreasonable in the slightest. The inherent conflict here is that your boyfriend doesn’t necessarily feel desire the way you do or the way you’d prefer. Is it possible that you could get that desire to be desired met from someone else? You and he could allow for an arrangement that lets you get your needs met outside of the relationship while still respecting and honoring the commitment you two have and the life you’ve made together.

You could find the passion and desire and excitement elsewhere and still have the intimacy, companionship and affection with your boyfriend. It’s not conventional, true, but isn’t that the great thing about relationships? We can decide for ourselves what the rules are or what defines it for us.

But if you can’t make any of those pivots… well, that’s when you have to make a harder decision. You don’t have to be done with sex, but you may have to accept being done with (standard issue, non-orgasmic-assisted) sex with him, and decide what that means for you.

If an active sex life with your romantic partner is what you need, a casual sex partner won’t fill that gap and you don’t have the personality, inclination or even the spoons to run concurrent romantic relationships… well, then its possible that this relationship has come to its natural conclusion. And if that’s the case? Then it’s better to act on it sooner, rather than later. It’s much easier to have a good post-break-up relationship if you end when things are on a more positive note than to wait until all hope is gone and you’re staying more out of inertia than desire to be with him.

But before you get there, sit down and have a series of awkward, specific discussions about your needs, his libido and how you two might reach some sort of compromise based on the assumption that now is the new norm, rather than trying to return to the previous status quo. If you can accept that this is the baseline for your relationship and that what you had before is in the past, it may be easier for both of you to be honest and vulnerable with each other and yourselves.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com