DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been with my current boyfriend for many years. We are happy, comfortable, and our romantic and sexual life is great. He hasn’t gotten cold or distant to me in all the years we’ve been together, in fact, our relationship feels like it’s only gotten better.

That being said, I have recently begun a project at work that will be going on for the span of about 3 to 4 months. It’s a relatively small group of us that already work well together so we are bound to become close. But there is one member who is new to working with me who I have been feeling strangely towards.

He’s great to work with, organized, listens, personable, and he isn’t bad to look at. I have been feeling almost like he has been a little flirty with me at times, but I don’t know if this is just him being friendly or is he is trying to give me subtle cues.

Everyone on the team knows I am in a long-term relationship (I don’t keep it hidden) so a part of me is thinking this is mighty ballsy of this guy if directly flirting with me is his intention, but again – I don’t know if I am misreading him.

Not saying flirting directly leads to anything, I am not planning on ever cheating. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t have some sort of feelings towards this guy. He’s definitely charming and I don’t want to have these feelings for another guy. It’s not like I am going home to my boyfriend and fantasizing about this other guy when we are sleeping together getting romantic and spicy, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t look forward to seeing him when we work together.

What the hell is wrong with me. How can I stop these feelings?

Sincerely, Feeling Weird

DEAR FEELING WEIRD: This is an easy one, FW. But this scenario has become its own genre of question here at NerdLove Industries, and I’m going to go on a bit of a rant for a second if I may, before I get to your question. Don’t worry, this will all tie together in the end.

One of the reasons why it feels like everyone’s talking about ethical non-monogamy or open relationships or polyamory or other non-conventional relationship models lately is because of situations like the one you’re facing, FW. Not because everyone should be poly or open – it’s not for everyone, just as living in Dallas or Los Angeles isn’t for everyone – but because we, as a culture, have done a huge disservice to people when it comes to relationships.

Because we live in a profoundly sex–negative culture and because we’ve had generations of a specific relationship model both propped up and legally enforced as The One And Only Way, we end up with situations where people have perfectly normal feelings that cause them angst and stress. People have been taught that sex and sexual attraction is simultaneously the most and least important thing in a relationship. They’re taught that love is simple, monogamy is both natural and easy and if you ever have questions, doubts or just plain old squishy feelings for another person, it means something’s wrong. Either something’s wrong with your relationship, or there’s something wrong with you.

And the blame is very much apportioned onto the person who feels weird. Have a higher libido than your partner? Well, maybe the issue is that you want it too much and you should work at repressing it. Have a lower libido than your partner? Maybe there’s something wrong with you and you’re just broken inside. Feelings for your partner changed over time? Well, guess that means that you’ve done something wrong or you never truly loved your partner. Find that you’re attracted to someone other than your partner, especially if you’re married? Well aren’t you the horrible person? Better either repress that into nothing or end the relationship because clearly you don’t love them enough, otherwise you wouldn’t be having these feelings.

Part of the reason why lots of people are talking more about alternate relationship models, about having more than one committed partner or having sex with people besides your spouse isn’t some weird, evangelizing recruitment plan, it’s about recognizing that we as a culture have pathologized perfectly normal feelings, lied or misled people about love and sex and generally caused folks unnecessary stress, angst and heartache… not to mention robbed folks of vocabulary and toolsets to actually manage these sorts of situations. Showing that there are multiple ways of having a strong, supportive and loving relationship, that loving one person doesn’t shut off your ability to love or be attracted to others… these all help normalize incredibly common, incredibly normal situations and scenarios that drive people to distraction.

Leaving the question of whether a divorce rate above a certain level is inherently bad aside, if more folks understood that love isn’t the Disney fairy tale that it’s sold as, that marriage isn’t the end of sexual adventure or experience, that feelings for different people are normal and that one person can’t be all things to one person, we’d have far fewer failed marriages and avoidable break-ups.

Because, amongst other things, we wouldn’t freak the f--k out when we get a random workplace crush. Which – bringing it back to your question, FW – is precisely what we have here.

What’s wrong with you? Nothing. You’re a primate with a sex-drive and anxiety, the quintessential human experience. What you’re experiencing is not just normal but very, very common. The happiness and success of your relationship has nothing to do with whether you have feelings for another person, whether spicy or mild.

Why are you having these feelings for someone, even when you’re in a happy relationship? That’s even easier: He’s a good looking guy who listens, is personable, he’s organized and seems to be a little flirty. He has qualities you admire, a look you like and he’s giving you some positive attention that may or may not be flirty. Being reminded that men you think are cute may also think that you’re cute yourself is a pretty nice feeling. Those feelings may make part of your brain – the part of our brains that crave novelty and increases production of oxytocin and dopamine when we’re with a new partner – sit up and take notice. So you end up with a mild case of limerence (AKA a crush) with the attendant racing heartbeat, sweaty palms and occasional inability to remember how to speak English because the Hormone Monster kicked you square in the language center of your brain.

What do you do about this? Nothing. That is, the best thing you can do here is nothing. Like… literally nothing.

Well, unless you and your boyfriend want to open up the relationship or something, that is. But since you apparently don’t want that, then the best thing to do is nothing different. You go to work, you do your job, you talk to your friends, you come home. Same thing you were doing before this guy came on the team.

If you want to add a little spice to the relationship with your boyfriend, you can certainly take that extra energy and those spicy feels and plow them into him. One of the fun things about having a crush when you’re in a monogamous relationship is taking the sexual energy and excitement that comes from an attraction to a new person and then unleash it on your partner. You aren’t going to have the same level of excitement with your long-term partner because humans can get used to anything and the New Relationship Energy fades over time. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t take the NRE feels you’re getting from a different person and get the pay off from your boyfriend like you just started dating.

Or you could just, y’know. Rub one or two out.

What I wouldn’t do is focus on the crush itself. Crushes and limerence are inherently temporary; they almost never last or last very long. But in their way, they’re like fire – if you feed them, they grow. And if you’re focused on trying to will a crush away or force yourself to not feel it, then you’re ultimately feeding it. Trying to repress it doesn’t mean you stop thinking about it or feeling it. All you end up doing is reinforcing the fact that you’re feeling it. You’re going from thinking about your crush to thinking about not thinking about your crush and putting a s--tload of energy into trying to make feelings go away – something that nobody has ever actually done successfully.

Let it just be, however, and it loses power. You can note and name the feeling when you experience it – “ah yes, that’s my crush on Cute Coworker” – and then gently just redirect your mind to what you actually need to concentrate on. Letting things just be, instead of freaking out and trying to analyze it to oblivion or beat it to death with a hammer, withholds fuel that inflames it. Soon, you’ll get used to the novelty that is Cute Coworker and his maybe-flirting, and it’ll just be part of the status quo – no more interesting or unusual than the selection of coffee pods in the break room or Steven’s refusal to quit reheating fish in the microwave.

GOD I HATE STEVEN.

By the by: it’s entirely possible that Cute Coworker IS flirting… but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Some people are just flirty and don’t mean anything by it. Some people’s version of friendly just comes off as flirty. And even if Cute Coworker is flirting with you… well, it takes two to tango. His flirting doesn’t mean you need to flirt back, nor does it mean that you need to act on it. If it doesn’t bother you – outside of the spicy heart-flutters, anyway – then just “missing” any intended subtext will set the tone.

And incidentally, whomever you’re thinking of while enjoying that crush energy is up to you. Whatever’s going on between your ears is entirely your business and no one else’s. And no, it doesn’t mean you’re betraying your boyfriend; it’s just another part of the human experience.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: long time reader, first time writer here. So I’m having a problem with a work crush, but it’s a bit deeper than that. I always assumed my crush – let’s call her “Mia” – had something going on with another coworker named “Jack”, so I didn’t even consider asking her out. I was just going to let my crush run its course and move on.

But then Jack himself suggested that I ask Mia out, and the idea kind of stuck. I went about working up my courage and looking for a good opportunity to ask her out. It turns out we both like to draw, so I’d planned to invite her to a figure drawing session (she seemed pretty enthusiastic when I told her about the group) with the hopes of asking her out to lunch afterwards.

The flaw with this approach was that there wasn’t a drawing session scheduled through much of December or January because of the holidays (I should have just asked her out to someplace else, lesson learned). And in the meantime, I found out that there actually WAS something between Jack and Mia all along. Jack and some of the other dudes at work had tried to keep me in the dark, but I caught on and confronted Jack directly about it.

He was pretty cagey about it but two phrases he repeated during his rambling explanation were “it’s not really like that,” (he wouldn’t say what it WAS like) and “she’s not my girl, I don’t own her.” He also said “the race ain’t over til it’s over,” like he was still encouraging me to ask her out. Confusingly, he also said that the two of them were involved before he knew that I liked her, which makes me wonder why he suggested I go after her in the first place. I truly cannot fathom why he would f--k with my head like that, but I supposed wondering about it is just going to f--k with my head even more.

But that leaves me in a difficult position with Mia. I do like her and I feel like I owe it to myself to ask her out at this point, but it feels like walking into a minefield. Whatever she has going on with Jack doesn’t seem serious to him, but for all I know, it could be serious to her. Worse, I think Jack may have told Mia about my confronting him, because it seemed like she was avoiding me the next day – could be my imagination, though, the deception has made it hard to trust anything in this scenario.

Yet another wrinkle is that Jack is leaving for a new job soon (if he passes background check – he has a criminal record). I think it might be easier to ask Mia out without him around, but I also worry their relationship may intensify if they’re no longer working together; and a minor point, but Valentine’s Day does fall within his two week’s notice.

So my head has been f--ked with and my overactive imagination clearly isn’t helping, but it seems like I have three main options:

1) Forget about ever dating Mia and move on

2) Ask Mia out ASAP before her relationship with Jack intensifies

3) Wait for Jack to start his new job and hope things peter out between them (and explore other dating options in the meantime)

I’m sure you’ll probably suggest a superior option that I hadn’t considered, which I’d love to hear. I know dating co-workers is messy anyway, but the desire has already set in. I’m also well aware that this may not be answered until after Jack’s two week’s notice has passed and he’s started his new job, but if others find themselves in this incredibly specific situation down the line, well, maybe this can be helpful for posterity.

Thank you,

Heart & Head Working Overtime

DEAR HEART AND HEAD WORKING OVERTIME: OK, not gonna lie: Jack’s behavior is a bit weird. But weird doesn’t necessarily mean “malicious”, nor does his being weird about things with Mia mean that he’s deliberately f--king with your head.

Hanlon’s Razor famously suggests to never assume malice when ignorance is equally likely. I would suggest that as a corollary to this: sometimes it’s not ignorance as much as just awkwardness. Even if Jack’s a smooth operator when it comes to meeting and dating the ladies, that doesn’t mean he’s going to actually be the most articulate, emotionally intelligent or otherwise coherent guy when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Possibly even especially when it comes to those.

Part of the issue here is that you’re stuck in your own head and scrambling for answers. It’s worth remembering that just because you see these scenarios, that doesn’t mean that they’re the only ones that are possible, or that they’re even that likely to occur. You’re assuming a lot of facts not in evidence based more on vibes and suppositions than anything else. You don’t know how Mia feels; you’re filling in a lot of empty space here in part because you like Mia and you don’t like Jack. It’s easier to mentally assign her the role of the put-upon innocent who cares for a cad boyfriend who doesn’t give a damn about her than to see it as, say, two people who just like f--king and aren’t serious about one another.

In other words: you don’t know what you don’t know, and you’re jumping to conclusions with no actual reasoning behind them, just vibes.

The likeliest scenario I can see here is that Mia and Jack have a casual thing going on and they’ve been keeping it on the down low – as many do when they hook up at work. Jack isn’t that serious about Mia, especially since he’s got one foot out the door, and isn’t going to get in the way if Mia wants to pursue something with someone else. It’s even possible that Jack’s trying to be a bro and say “hey, if you want to shoot your shot, I’m not going to get in your way.”

It’s also possible that Jack wants out of whatever he’s got going on with her and your hooking up with Mia would provide the smoothest possible transition for him, rather than just dumping her and causing a scene.

But ultimately? Very little of that matters. What you need to do is stop making decisions for Mia based on nothing but vibes and focus on what you want. Do you actually want to ask Mia out on a date? Leave Jack out of the equation and ask yourself, Mia: yes or no? If the answer is “yes”, then ask her out on a date, straight up. Not any of this “do X activity so I can segue into asking for a date” hiding-your-intentions s--t, just ask for a date, a specific activity at a specific place and time – something that she can say yes or no to. She’ll either say yes she’d love to, no she’s not interested or she’s seeing somebody. There you go, problem solved. One way or another, you’ve got an answer and you can move on.

Unless Jack is very weirdly manipulative or plays a very odd long game, I think you can just take his weirdness as just that: weirdness. Being smooth or successful in one area doesn’t mean that you’re going to be smooth in all areas. Unless you have actual reason to believe that Jack’s a game player or a bully or otherwise malicious, I think you can take him at face value. Even if he’s a bit awkward about it.

But, going forward? Try to focus on what you actually know, try to be mindful of the areas that you don’t know as best you can, and don’t draw too many conclusions based solely on suppositions. Sometimes you can end up talking yourself into missing what would have otherwise been incredible opportunities.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently met this great woman a few months ago. For the first two months things were going great. Initially we had kept this a secret from our friend group as we thought we could do without people gossiping (a big thing in my culture). I should mention here that me and her are from different cultural backgrounds, which may have something to do with the ending of this story (spoiler alert). Due to the nature of her work she was supposed to travel back to her country for good, but I also happened to be planning to go there for work. Nevertheless I was aware that what we had was temporary and was ready to deal with her eventual departure, at least on an intellectual level. She always told me that she was not looking for a monogamous relationship and neither was I, but it always felt like she insisted on bringing it up a lot which was a little uncomfortable for me.

She eventually went back home for Christmas and we stayed in touch the whole time, texting almost every day and looking forward to seeing each other. We agreed to meet for a beach trip for a few days with some friends. It was nice seeing her again but for some reason it felt different slightly distant but that night we had a conversation about her time back home and things felt like they were before she traveled. A few days later I decided to tell her that I liked her and I couldn’t help but feel instant regret, she asked me what that means and I told her I didn’t expect anything from her (not a relationship and not even reciprocation) I just wanted to express how I enjoy her company and the time we spent, she then told me that the feeling was mutual.

However the days following that made me regret being vulnerable in that moment, whenever we were in a group setting I couldn’t help but feel she was avoiding eye contact with me, sat away from me, and like she was flirting with some of our other friends or being friendlier than usual. It was painful to have see that days after I expressed my feelings, but at the end of the night she would lay next to me in bed and I would forget about it even though we weren’t being more intimate than cuddling. I spoke to her about it and she said her social battery was drained by the end of the day and that she was careful about touching me or being too close to me in public because the country we’re in is conservative (valid reasoning there). When I asked her if anything was going on between her and our friend she denied it. This continued throughout the trip and I honestly felt like s--t the whole time because I wanted to get closer to her.

During her last month in the country I felt her slowly pulling away and at some point I asked her directly if she was seeing someone else and that I’d be ok with it but that I’d just need to know. She said that she wasn’t and that she would tell me if she was (I told her I’d do the same). We would still meet regularly but at some point I felt like I was an item on her to-do list, I told her that I felt ignored and she told me not to take it personally, that she was overwhelmed with everything and that she simply didn’t have the energy for anything (it’s true she did have a lot on her plate).

One of these nights I woke up in the middle of the night next to her and was about to go home because I felt lonely even though she was right there, but I remember my friend telling me this was my pride being hurt because we weren’t spending as much time during her last days here together as I had expected. I decided against leaving and she asked me about it in the morning because she felt me moving at night, when I told her she said it would have been very painful for her if I had done that, so I’m glad I didn’t do it.

On her last day I told her I was gonna miss her on the phone after I dropped her off at the airport and she was just quiet, radio silence. I repeated it again thinking she might not have heard me and she said she did. she tried to change the subject and then we eventually just said goodbye. I know she doesn’t owe me anything and that I might have been needy but part of me just thinks it was a bad idea being vulnerable with her, that things would’ve been better if I hadn’t or that I at least would’ve felt better about myself at the end. I know she was going through a lot and I would always listen to her when she needed it (she did the same for me) but at the end it was just too painful. Maybe I just liked her more than she liked me, was it a mistake?

Too Much Too Soon?

DEAR TOO MUCH TOO SOON: That’s a rough one, my dude, and I’m sorry you went through that.

So I don’t know if you’d necessarily call this a “good news/bad news” sort of situation, or a “could be worse”, one but I don’t think that any long-term relationship was going to be in the cards for the two of you, regardless of what you did.

However, I think you ended up shooting yourself in the foot and missed out on what could’ve been a great short term relationship.

I spotted the mistake you made pretty much right off the bat. And to be fair: this is a mistake I can empathize over, because I’ve made it myself. I’ve talked before about how I’ve snatched defeat from the jaws of victory before by not paying attention to what my dates or partners were telling me. Many times, it wasn’t because I didn’t understand so much as “didn’t want to hear it”, and I think you fell into making a similar error. You missed what your friend was saying when she was saying that she didn’t want an exclusive relationship. In fact, you missed it so much that she felt obligated to say it several times, in hopes that you’d understand.

So the odds are good that something about your behavior was suggesting that you weren’t on board with the “not looking for a monogamous relationship” thing and she was trying to draw your attention to it. It’s hard to say exactly what it was since I wasn’t there – though I have some guesses – but the way you were behaving was suggesting that you were seeing this as something that was becoming more serious, not the casual relationship that she wanted.

The thing is: whatever you were doing didn’t change, and that was starting to push against the limits that you two agreed to. The fact that you clearly wanted more than she was willing or able to give, and that you wanted a different relationship than the one you had was creating issues, and the prospect of having a conversation about it was likely one she found uncomfortable. It would’ve been great if she could’ve said, straight up, “hey, you’re doing X, and that makes me think that you’re wanting more than what we said this was.” At the very least, it might have either given you the chance to course correct or to end the relationship on less melancholy terms. But she didn’t, and things played out the way they did.

Now I think the point of no return happened when you confessed your feelings to her. I’m willing to bet that she at least suspected you felt that way; the reminders that you were non-monogamous and the “what do you mean by that” are pretty solid give-aways. But I think this is what tipped things for both of you.

She was almost certainly starting to pull back – having less time for you, being less demonstrative and so on – and you picked up on it on some level. And then you – like I, and like so many others have before you – threw your Hail Mary and hoped for the best.

And – as with those who came before you – it didn’t work. If anything, it solidified that the end of the relationship was coming sooner, rather than later. Whether you intended it or not, I suspect she took your confessing your feelings as the sign that you still wanted more than she was able to give. And if you were feeling weird or jealous over seeing her maybe-flirt-maybe-not with the other guy… well, you were likely broadcasting that, too.

Now I don’t think that this means she didn’t like you as much as you liked her. If she didn’t like you, she wouldn’t have given you the reminders that she did. I think what ultimately happened is that you wanted or needed something from this relationship that she didn’t want or couldn’t give. I think this would’ve ended eventually – likely when she went back to her home country – but under slightly different circumstances if you hadn’t missed the wave-off she was giving you.

So I suspect this was as much a matter of incompatibility as anything.

Now if you want advice for going forward… well, I think the best thing you could do for yourself is ask if you’re really cut out for a casual or non-monogamous relationship. If you aren’t – and hey, there’s no shame in that! – then agreeing to one is a bad idea. I’ve seen folks who decide to pursue a poly or non-monogamous relationships because they think its the only way they can be with someone and it rarely works well, especially if it’s a brand new relationship. Better to pass on a relationship style that doesn’t work for you, even if you really like the other person, than to deal with the unnecessary and avoidable heartache that would come bundled with it.

Beyond that? If someone is reminding you multiple times about something in your relationship? That usually a sign that you need to pay attention to how you’re acting and how you’re feeling… because something you’re doing is sending the message that maybe you’re not ok with whatever you agreed to.

It’s a sad situation, my guy, and I’m sorry you went through it. Take this as an opportunity to learn a bit more about yourself and what you want and need from a relationship, to be more in tune with your feelings and your behavior. Next time, you won’t make the same mistakes, and things will turn out better for everyone.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com