DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been very happily married for eleven years while also happily having an affair, without my husband’s knowledge, for ten years. The truth is it doesn’t take a web of elaborate lies to hide something if your partner doesn’t push to know the hidden life you don’t want to reveal. That has given me the freedom to enjoy holidays with my lover as well as my husband. Both of the men in my life are successful, handsome and love me, as I love them. And the sex is great with both of them.

Of course, the women whom I consider my friends hate me for this and also think I am squandering the lives of both men I am happily entangled with. The truth is they both make me feel special and happy and I carry that into both of my relationships. If my husband found out tomorrow that I have had a lover for this past decade, I think he would forgive me as my lover would forgive the occasional fling I have without his knowledge. I’m happy but am I destined to always live under the negative judgment of other women?

Yours sincerely

The Other Woman

DEAR THE OTHER WOMAN: Do I need to do my standard “here’s my position on potentially fake letters” note again? So soon? Well, as I’ve said before: if there’s something that others can learn from a question that may or may not be in good faith – or circumstances just so out there that it seems implausible – then I’m not fussed about whether someone thinks they’re getting one over on me.

So with that in mind: there’s a lot to unpack here, but maybe it’s better to just throw the entire suitcase away.

Taken at face value, this is a classic case of “Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this/ well stop doing that”. Your friends aren’t happy with your actions because, quite frankly, you’re being a cheating piece of s--t. Stop being a cheating piece of s--t and your friends will stop judging you for being one.

Yes, I know, this seems like an odd thing coming from Captain Monogamy-Is-Not-Our-Default-State. But this is why people emphasize the concept ethical non-monogamy; you’re currently in an unethical non-monogamous relationship and at least one of your partners isn’t aware that they’re in one.

Now having taken your letter at face value at the top, let’s dig in a little here because, to be perfectly blunt, I think you’re lying to someone here. Er… besides your husband, anyway. Either you’re lying to me, or you’re lying to yourself, but neither is a good look for you.

Let’s start with an obvious fact: your friends are right. The way things currently stand, what you’re doing is not goddamn cool. Based entirely on what you’ve written, your husband (and possibly your side piece) did not consent to being in a non-monogamous relationship. If you entered into a monogamous commitment with your husband and haven’t actually renegotiated terms, then you’re cheating. Full stop. End of story. Your being dishonest with your husband also hinders the potential of your relationship with the other guy. Ten years is a hell of a long time to be a side-piece, and that implies one of two things: either he doesn’t know you’re married, or he doesn’t care. Neither of those are great; the only question is whether this looks worse for you or for him.

Now, since he’s not the one who wrote in, we can only speculate on his stance on this. Maybe he’s hoping – like many have before – that you’re eventually going to divorce your husband so that he and you can be open about you relationship. Maybe he wants a monogamous relationship with you but is functionally poly-under-duress because this is the only way he can be with you. If that’s the case – and I freely admit I’m spinning out possibilities, not making definitive calls – then you’re functionally keeping him from the relationship he actually wants. If you can’t commit to just one person, as many folks can’t, and that’s what he wants in the end, then this is profoundly unfair to him and it only causes more pain in the long run.

And this is made worse by the fact that apparently you’re cheating on your side-piece as well. Once again, you’re keeping secrets from him, and if he didn’t go in for a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell arrangement with you – and we currently have no reason to believe he did – then again: you’re keeping him from the kind of relationship he actually wants.

Then there’s the conditional language you’re using. You think your husband or your side-piece would forgive you if they knew? Are you suuuuuuuuure?

So… why haven’t you told them, then? If you’re so sure that your hubby would be ok with this, then the obvious answer to all your problems would be to have an open, polyamorous relationship with both of them. With no need to lie or sneak around and your partners all having opted-in, this magically transforms your disapproving friends from a Greek Chorus calling out your sins to folks who can’t respect a non-conventional relationship amongst consenting adults. You no longer have to worry about who knows, nor are you functionally demanding that they be your co-conspirators in keeping your “flings” secret from your husband or other partner.

But then again, it’s one thing to say to a partner that you’re not monogamous or that you want to explore opening up the marriage. It’s another to tell him that he’s in an open marriage and has been for ten years, you’ve just… casually neglected to tell him and he didn’t snoop enough to find out.

So even if your hubby is cool with ethical (there’s that word again) non-monogamy, the fact that this has been going on for ten years and part of your justification is “he trusted you and didn’t investigate, so it’s kinda his fault too” is going to be a hell of a reach for pretty much anybody.

And there’s also the fact that your other guy may or may not know about your husband but does not know about your other “flings”?

Yeah, I’m gonna guess he’s probably not gonna be entirely cool about it either. And I suspect you know this on some level, because they still don’t know. You haven’t come clean to any of them about this.

Now let me be very generous and say that maybe, for you, the secrecy is part of the appeal. The sneaking around gives everything a bit of extra spice and you also take that spice and plow it into your marriage as well, meaning that everyone wins. Well… you can still have that in an ethical open relationship, where everyone understands that you’re not going to tell them everything and you’re going to keep some things to yourself. That’s a thing that people do!

But the folks who do it ethically (nope, not gonna stop hammering this any time soon, get into the rhythm of it) do so with the knowledge and consent of the other partners. They agree to not investigate and let you have your “secret” flings.

(This, incidentally, is an example of how it’s possible to cheat, even in an open relationship. Just because you aren’t monogamous doesn’t mean you can’t still be a cheater.)

TL;DR: are you able to live your life free from the judgement of your friends? Sure… just stop cheating on your husband and side-piece. Be honest with them, let them decide if they’re willing to be in an open relationship and, y’know, do a s--tload of work to make up for ten years of cheating and deception.

Until then? You’re going to have to live with the knowledge that your friends think less of you for this… and they’re right to do so.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (22/m) am not a good looking guy. I’m average at best, a little below if I’m being realistic. I’m under six feet tall, I’m chubby (bordering on fat), I have no muscle tone, I’ve got a baby face, mediocre hair, acne scars and a weird nose and a weak chin.

I’ve never had a girl approach me, never had them talk about how hot I am and (should be obvious) haven’t had a girlfriend or a date or so much as held a girl’s hand since I was 14.

I’ve read all the usual stuff about how looks don’t count or whatever, and I think that’s obviously bulls--t. If I look at Instagram or who’s on magazine covers or listen to who girls think are hot, all of them are guys who fit the same mold: tall, thin to athletic builds, good muscles, great hair and teeth. Not weird babymen like me.

I’m dieting and hitting the gym constantly, but I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. Is there any point to doing anything other than saving up money for facial surgery and maybe leg-lengthening? Or am I just doomed?

Wee Baby Man

DEAR WEE BABY MAN: Well, I guess it’s time to talk about the evergreen subject of “why you think you’re uglier than you actually are“, a topic that comes up so frequently that I often wish I got a dime for every time I’ve answered this question.

In fact, since we talk about this so often, I thought that today – as I’m trying to recover from an extended power outage – we would talk a little less about what to do and more about the why of it all.

There’re three aspects to this that are pretty consistent across the letters I get. The first is, simply, social media. Almost every time someone writes in, one of the cornerstones to their belief that women only like X type of men involves social media, usually Instagram.

This shouldn’t be much of a surprise, honestly. There’ve been repeated studies on how social media and Instagram in particular warp people’s self-image, especially with regard to their own bodies. It’s somewhat striking in men, if only because until recently, the boys and men who struggle with body dysmorphia and eating disorders had been overlooked. It’s very easy, even for the supposed “digital natives” to forget just how curated and fake social media is. The idea that the 5% body fat look is “standard” or “expected” ignores that even fitness influencers don’t actually look like they do in their pics or reels; it’s an open secret that those looks are achieved not through hard work, discipline, diet and exercise, but primarily through hormones and steroids, along with generous filter use, apps like Snapseed, make-up, favorable lighting and good old-fashioned, kidney-threatening dehydration.

In fact, it always strikes me as ironic whenever men bring up various celebrities – especially ones who’ve portrayed superheroes – as being the standard. Most, if not all of them will openly talk about how miserable an experience it is to get into that shape, how much of it is illusion and how even the most ripped of the ripped don’t look like that as soon as the camera quits rolling. Even folks whose livelihoods were in part based on how jacked they were have talked about how they’re infinitely happier without having to live their lives around their restricted diet and exercise schedules.

The second thing that I find in common in these letters is the belief that women require these bodies. The belief, however, tends to come from other men insisting that this is true, rather than from women themselves. The evidence given frequently devolves to “look at women on social media drooling over these guys”, rather than actually, y’know, interacting with women. The sources of “anonymous people on Reddit”, “TikTokers chasing trends” and “bro, trust me” don’t exactly meet the standard that the Lancet expects.

Now to be fair: there’re definitely plenty of women out there who are vocal about how good a guy looks in his thirst traps, particularly the celebrity du jour. But while there’s definitely an air of aesthetic appreciation for them, what there usually isn’t… is actual attraction. In fact, much of the fetishization of the action hero/superhero build comes hand in hand with the de-sexualization of those very same bodies – a trend that’s summed up brilliantly in the RS Benedict’s essay “Everyone is Beautiful and No One is Horny”. Jonathan Majors, for example, is unquestionably a gorgeous man. But while may look hot and jacked as hell in his photo shoot for Ebony, the images are oddly sexless. It’s not even “look but don’t touch”, but admiring him and his body as though it were a statue, not a person.

The third aspect I see frequently – and one that I’ll be returning to in other letters this week – is the complaint that women don’t approach them and thus they must be unattractive. This is, needless to say, a reason why the plural of “anecdote” isn’t “data”; the conclusions being drawn here have nothing to do with the circumstances. Women making the first move – even online, but especially in person – have far less to do with someone’s relative aesthetic appeal and far more to do with the social opprobrium and consequences that come from women being seen as too forward or aggressive. Yes, even in the Year of Our Lord 2023, women who initiate frequently face negative responses and consequences… despite men swearing up and down that they’d love women to make the first move.

This is no small part of why it seems clear to me that much of the complaints have less to do with attraction than validation. It’s not about being desired, so much as being told that you look good. It’s an insecurity that comes, in part as gender roles change, relationships change with them and women no longer need to prioritize relationships for basic survival. It also comes at a time when men’s relationship with their own gender is also in flux. The confusion and anxiety surrounding the recognition that the system we lived in – and still live in, to an extent – was not natural, nor psychologically healthy for anyone allows for cynical grifters and influence peddlers to target vulnerable men with a bulls--t “masculinity crisis” and “cures” that range from steroids to tanning their balls to… homophobia, transphobia and fascism.

TL;DR: after literal lifetimes of not needing to do very little, many men are struggling with the feeling of wanting someone to tell them that they’re “good enough”, and that’s bleeding into all sorts of places.

This is why the answers about being more attractive aren’t getting the buccal fat removed from your face, nor years of incredibly painful and risky leg-lengthening procedures, WBM. It’s to start looking within and making yourself feel attractive, getting validation from and giving validation to your fellow men and actually doing things for yourself, rather than relying on external sources.

This is also why I differentiate between being good looking and being attractive. One is an aesthetic. The other is a state of being. Being attractive is far more about presentation and personality than it is having the right cheekbones or chest-to-hip ratio. The way you carry yourself, the way you interact with people and the way you take care of yourself all contribute to people finding you desirable, rather than just aesthetically pleasing.

The most sex-getting-est men out there are the ones who understand this. They have their style and presentation on lock. They’re well groomed, with properly-fitting clothes that work with their build rather than against it. They lean into the things that make them unique, rather than trying to follow a particular look or the latest fashion trends. One prime example would be Stanley Tucci. He’s not necessarily going to show up on the cover of Men’s Health any time soon, but he radiates charisma and charm. The effortless level of suavity he accomplishes in a simple polo shirt while making a martini smokes the self-conscious “look at meeeee” you find on Insta and TikTok from men half his age and twice as built.

This is why much of what you need isn’t surgery, WBM, it’s an attitude adjustment. Start with changing how you relate to yourself. The way you treat yourself – like a broken down house that needs to be gutted and renovated – is at the core of your issue. You’ve got far more going for you than you give yourself credit for, which is the problem. Giving yourself that credit – talking yourself up, loving what you have and working with it, instead of trying to clone someone else – will be a big part of it. Much of this will come from styling yourself better. I cant emphasize enough how much well-fitting clothes and a decent hair cut are transformative. Focusing on a look that works with you will make an incredible difference.

Now don’t get me wrong: eat sensibly and exercise if you want. I love working out. I feel better when I do, I like improving and maintaining my cardiovascular fitness and I enjoy lifting weights. But do it because it’s good for your health, not because you’re trying to get to a specific build and look – one you may never actually be able to achieve just based on genetics and body type. Exercise isn’t worthless if it doesn’t give you six-pack abs.

You also want to prioritize cultivating a sense of warmth and charm. Facial features or body fat percentage are great to look at, sure. It’s personality that make people want to interact with you, charm that makes them want to sleep with you, date you and be part of your life. Are you someone people like talking to? Are you someone who’s able to make everyone – whether you’re attracted to them or not – feel like they’re the most fascinating person in the world? Do you have that warm smile, that easy laugh and sense of bonhomie that makes people feel appreciated and liked? Those are what will make you attractive to people, not the exact width and depth of your chin.

Want to speed this process along and make the world a bit better in the process? Start providing that validation – “hey man, you’re looking great today!” – to your bros. Tell them when they’re looking sharp, when their fit is fine or their hair cut is particularly good. Help normalize giving that same sort of support, validation and camaraderie that women give to their friends.

Yes, I know that you – or someone who feels similarly – will hold up some unkempt guy and say “you’re saying personality is going to overcome THIS?” And yes, that’s precisely what I’m saying. Because nine times out of ten, the images people use to refute the idea that charm and personality are what win folks over are people looking at their worst, not someone dressed well and putting actual care into their appearance. Yeah, scraggly facial hair, acne and androgenetic alopecia aren’t appealing, but they’re also not permanent. Those are fixable problems, ones that you work with and around.

But just as importantly: ask women now how they feel about, say, Johnny Depp. Or Mel Gibson. Or some of the other celebrities who, while conventionally good looking, have proven to be angry and violent. Look at the drive to put Dave Bautista as the lead in a romantic comedy, not just action roles. Or, for that matter, how media directed at women dresses and styles men to make them more appealing.

If you want to be more attractive, WBM, then the change needs to come from within, not from without. Everything stems from there. Change the inside, and you’ll find the rest changes with it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Me and this boy (let’s call him Jake) have been mutuals for little more than a year now. We have gotten closer in the past 3 months. We have been in 2 friend groups together and I began developing feelings for him. Our mutual friend had informed me that Jake was going to get with some girl that is best friends with my best friend and that made me jealous. The girl he’s going to get with (let’s call her Lea) is honestly such a pretty girl but I know she’s somewhat of a mean person. (my best friend knew I liked my crush and went behind my back and set her friend Lea up with Jake).

I know I’m an asshole since I’ve gotten with other people before, one of them being Jake’s friend and now that I feel jealous because he’s getting with Lea is unfair on my part. Jake has always commented on how he’s attracted to Lea and I don’t know what came over me but I just texted him “don’t get with Lea.” He asked why and at first I decided I wasn’t going to tell him, but then my friend convinced me to and so I did.

I told him I liked him and I got friend zoned which I saw coming. I told him it was not my place to comment on who he gets with and he said it was okay. He asked to be chill but he won’t even look at me or speak. I wasn’t even looking to date Jake or get with him or anything I just wanted to get my feelings out there. But now it’s weird between us. I should’ve known this would happen. Where do I go from now and how do I restore our friendship?

Stuck In The Middle

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE: Man, I do not miss high-school. I never really grok the folks who talk about high-school being the best time of your life; the constant confusion and anxiety, the never-ending arbitrary (and often self-imposed) “rules” that governed every social interaction… it’s all just drama, often for drama’s sake, put on because everybody’s confused, nobody knows who they are and they’re all just bumping into everyone else while trying to make sense of it all.

And honestly, there’re few things worse than having a lot of weird feelings had having absolutely no idea what to do with them or about them and then just flailing around trying to do… something, and only realizing after the fact that you had no goddamn clue what you wanted or expected in the first place.

Ok SITM, here’s what’s up. You like Jake. You felt a little possessive about Jake because you liked him. Your friend setting Lea up with Jake felt a little bit like a betrayal, because you had that sense of “ownership” over him, and his getting with Lea – with your friend’s assistance – violated that feeling of “dibs”.

The problem is: your feelings for another person don’t grant you any inherent rights over them. Liking someone doesn’t give you the right of first refusal in their relationships, nor does it obligate them to like you back or to seek your permission before going with someone else.

Similarly, your friend going “behind your back” feels like a betrayal because how could your friend do you dirty like this? But again, I refer you to what liking someone does and doesn’t do. It can feel somewhat callous – your friend had to know this would hurt you – but they were actually being somewhat more respectful of the fact that Jake’s an autonomous individual, not someone who can be claimed. Jake, it seems, already was interested in Lea. That would indicate that your friend wasn’t “going behind your back” so much as helping facilitate something that Jake already approved of.

It also ignores that your friend didn’t exactly act alone. Jake, too, was directly involved in this. Jake wasn’t helplessly caught up in sneaky, shameless manipulation that he didn’t have the wherewithal to resist; he was an active participant. He could easily have not gone along with it. Instead… well, he apparently liked Lea differently from how he liked you, and the rest is history.

(I’d also be interested to know if your friend acted unprompted, or if Jake asked for their help.)

Once you see all of that, it all becomes much simpler to understand, and it tells you what your next steps are. I suspect that at some level, you spoke up less to get your feelings out there and more to stake your claim of ownership of sorts; even if you didn’t get a boyfriend out of this, at least you would keep him from being with someone else and you’d still “have” him, as it were. Recognizing that and being honest about that are going to be important moving forward.

What you have now is an awkward situation, made more awkward by the feeling like this is more about alliances between quarreling factions in Fire Emblem than relationships. Jake is undoubtedly feeling weird about the whole situation and doesn’t want it to get any weirder or more uncomfortable.

The first thing I would suggest is that this would be a good time to call out the awkward and confront the feelings of shame you’re feeling head on. I’d recommend laying this out to Jake as an apology; you were feeling weird about him possibly seeing Lea, you got in the middle of it and now it’s awkward and you’re sorry. Let him know you’d still like to be friends, that you’re willing to power through the awkward if he is, and then make like Elsa and let it go.

That is, you do exactly what Jake asked: be chill about it all. Being chill, in this case, means that you let him decide if he wants to continue being friends, and give him the space to do so on his timeline. If that means that he doesn’t want to talk for a bit… well, it kinda sucks, but let him have that. Be polite, be friendly, but if he’s going to be distant, then just allow him to be distant. You already inserted yourself into a choice he was making for himself. Demonstrate that you understand what went wrong by not repeating that mistake.

Don’t mope, subtweet or otherwise get angsty on social media about it – certainly not places where he’s likely to see it or connect it with you. That can feel manipulative, especially when you’re young. Feel the s--t out of your feels, but do it in your own space and on your own time.

Remember: this happened because you got in the middle of something that ultimately wasn’t about you. It was about him and Lea. An apology and explanation – one that makes it clear that you understand that this was a you issue – will let him know that you’d like to still be his friend. That puts the ball in his court. When and if Jake is ready to be friends again, he’ll let you know. But it has to be his decision, and he’s going to have to be the one to make the next move.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com