DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have an odd predicament. I don’t blame you if you can’t give me advice. I have no problem speaking to women. I, on normal occasions, have confidence oozing out my pores. The local women tend to like me considering young guys like me are a rare commodity where I live.
But there is one thing holding me back from having a relationship with a girl. I am not, exactly, packing heat downstairs if you know what I mean. I probably got some ‘small dick disease’ or something. Sorry, if I’m a little crude. (no pun intended) It really holds me back. I was hoping you could advise me on how to overcome this situation of mine.
DEAR SHORT STOP: Here’s a fun fact: most folks have no idea what an average-sized penis looks like, either erect or flaccid. Even when you show them an array of genitals and ask people to identify which are average sized or not, most people will guess wrong. We can blame it on porn, where large penises are selected for because of how they look on screen, we can blame it on the state of sex education or old-fashioned toxic and restrictive ideas about manhood and masculinity, but a large number of men have distorted ideas of what “average” is when it comes to penis size, and tend to assume that it’s bigger than reality.
Unless you have what’s known as a micropenis – that is, a penis that’s less than 3 inches when erect – then your relative length or girth isn’t going to be that unusual. And even then, while micropenises are anomalous, they’re not the end of the world for folks who have ’em.
Just as importantly though, SS, your dick size isn’t really an issue for anything besides your pride. One of the misconceptions a lot of guys have is that dick size correlates to their partner’s pleasure and orgasms during sex, and that’s just not the case. In fact, when we’re talking about heterosexual partnered sex, most women – upwards of 75% – can’t orgasm from penetration alone. They need direct clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm, and a dude’s junk isn’t going to do that, regardless of how large it may be. In fact, a large dick is more likely to be uncomfortable, especially if its hitting up against a cervix or so girthy that penetration becomes more akin to a friction burn.
While a big dick looks great on camera, in practice… well, in practice it’s not the “that’s some GOOD f--kin'” guarantee that a lot of guys think it is. In fact, a lot of women report that guys with larger-than-average cocks tend to be worse in bed; they think that having a big penis is all they need and and just pound away like fleshy jackhammers.
While there are folks out there who are size queens/kings, they tend to be the exception rather than the rule. And, I might point out that vaginas – like penises – come in different lengths and widths; what may look below average to you may be a perfect fit to your partner.
But honestly, you don’t need to feel less confident because you’re not the second coming (er… as it were) or John Holmes, SS. Instead of worrying about what you do or don’t have – as a grower or a shower – focus on what actually makes you a hit in bed – deprioritizing penetration as the end-all/be-all of sex and getting good at oral sex and manual stimulation. A large penis is visually impressive, but women are going to be far more intrigued by a dude who can lick his eyebrows and breathe through his ears.
It’s also worth noting that if you do have a smaller than average penis – whether officially a micro-peen or not – you can always buy a bigger one. Insertion toys come in a wide variety of sizes and shapes, and being the guy who isn’t afraid of bringing sex toys into bed with you will make you stand out from the pack in a good way. And beyond the standard arrays of dildos and vibrators, there are also insertion toys that you fit directly over your own penis; you can hump away with the wang of your dreams if your partner wants or needs that “feeling filled up” sensation.
But as an aside, an ex of mine has waxed rhapsodic about one of her past lovers who did have a micropenis, and also confidence simply radiating out of him. He was in great demand amongst her and her friends because, as she put it, “his head game will make you see God”.
So at the risk of cliche, SS, it really is about how you use it… and your hands and your mouth and thighs and so on. Penetration is great for folks with penises and prostates, but it’s not the endgame. Get your head game on point, learn how to use your hands and get comfortable with sex toys and you’re going to have a very full dance card… and a string of partners who’d cheerfully brag about you to their friends.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, email@example.com