DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am not a good looking person by any stretch of the imagination, at least not in the conventional sense of beauty. The thing is, when I’m using dating sites like OKCupid of Plenty of Fish, I can easily find girls I’m attracted to, both by their pics and their self-description. I will also be contacted by girls who are attracted to me, but whom I don’t find attractive in return. How do I remedy my own physical attractions (as physical as you can get online) to girls who aren’t interested and girls who are interested? 

Also, this doesn’t just have to deal with girls on the web. I’ve had a similar problem with girls in the real world as well.

Man In The Mirror

DEAR MAN IN THE MIRROR: There’re a couple things to consider, MITM. First and foremost is that being good at online dating, especially in the post-Tinder era, is a separate skill from actually dating.

As swipe mechanics create an incentive of shallow, superficial browsing, knowing how to make yourself stand out and capture people’s attention as they’re idly thumbing through Tinder is a skill, and one a lot of folks never fully cultivate.

It can seem a bit odd to separate it out like that, but making connections on dating apps, especially ones with swipe mechanics, is very much a multi-disciplinary skill that goes beyond just “be attractive; don’t be unattractive”. Looking good in photos, for example, isn’t about being blessed with the right cheekbones and a certain level of facial symmetry; it’s about knowing framing, understanding lighting and make-up, how to pose and present yourself to the camera and how to create a connection between you and the person looking at the final results. 

There’s a reason why there’re literally thousands of conventionally attractive people who never work as models; they may have appealing facial features, but they don’t have the other skills that come together to make themselves leap out of that photo.

And that’s before we get into the differences between how men and women use dating apps.

So the fact that some of the people you’re into aren’t matching with you doesn’t mean that you’re not attractive. Clearly you are, seeing as you’re getting attention from other women. It’s more likely some aspect of your profile isn’t clicking with them or catching their eye in the right way or there’s some aspect of your profile that signals an incompatibility. Gauging your objective attractiveness by how people respond on dating apps is like trying to decide who’s the most delicious by who gets taken down by a leopard first; that’s just not how things work.

Now some of this can be an in-person issue too. You don’t say if you’re actually approaching the women you find attractive, or if you’re looking for spontaneous attention from them before you talk to them. Similarly, you don’t say if these women you’re not into are approaching you unprompted, or if you’re just catching signals from them that you’re not seeing from the other women. It’d be helpful if you’d included that information, since that could tell us more about just what the problem could be, or if there even is a problem.

But one thing I can tell you is that it sounds like you’re hoping for quick or even instant attraction, which… well, that’s not exactly how things work. Yeah, we can tell at a glance if we find somebody sexy, but as a general rule, we don’t date based on love at first sight. More often than not, we date people we’ve gotten to know over time; propinquity has far more to do with who we choose to date than “seeing that sexy somebody looking at us from across the bar”.

And no, dating apps don’t disprove this; there’re reasons why most first dates off dating apps tend to never lead to anything. There are so many factors that affect who we are or aren’t into that can’t be detected over text or even video chats; we only can truly experience them in person. First dates off the apps are often more about figuring out whether there’s actual compatibility and enough we find the other person interesting enough to spend more time getting to know them.

So one of the things I would suggest is to worry less about trying to get instant results – like getting a phone number or date from someone you just met – and more about getting to know people over time. Exposure and familiarity will do much more for building attraction and interest as people get a chance to know you and vice versa. If nothing else, it’s much easier to improve your love life when you get comfortable talking with the women you find attractive without being overwhelmed by the feeling that her looks give her status over you. Being able to connect with people as people is incredibly attractive. If you aren’t flustered by talking to Hottie McHotterson and feel like you need to be Perfect Tommy to get a date, then you’ll do a hell of a lot better. Plus, getting to know her without the self-imposed pressure to Get The Date will mean that you can spend time finding out whether she is worth your time and if she has more going for her than just being good looking

And incidentally, I’d suggest applying that same outlook – getting to know folks beyond how tight your pants get when you first see them – with the women who seem to be showing interest in you. Not because you need to “settle” or date women who’re more your speed, but because you might be surprised by them if you got to know them.

Plus: you’d be amazed at just how that “enh, not bad” woman at the gym or the bookstore turns into wolf-whistle-jaw-drop-lip-bite when she’s gotten dolled up to go out.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a very average guy when it comes to dating, I feel. I go out on dates with girls once in a awhile. I don’t have any issues with asking girls out, but at the same time I’m not a “player”. The question is :

What do I do if I’m insecure about my girl’s career? Is there something to make it easier to get over?

I’ve been dating this girl for a while. I met her in a bar in downtown San Diego. She was working there as a go-go dancer. Her lifestyle of constant bars and clubs, along with getting hit on by celebrities in LA makes me insecure. In the past, she has been in shows on HBO and was a model for a long time in a TERRIBLE show called “Manswers” on Spike TV. I don’t stop her from doing anything, And I never pay for anything.

But her lifestyle, and the fact that she makes more money then me makes me insecure.

Kicking Outside My Coverage

DEAR KICKING OUTSIDE MY COVERAGE: So, there’s a reason why I pulled your question specifically, KOMC, and that’s because of how universal this actually is.

See, it’s really easy to get caught up on the flashy details of your situation: a girlfriend whose career depends on being physically attractive and desirable, who’s income is dependent on creating an illusion of being available but unobtainable, and has “high status men” – for suitably individual values of “high” as well as definitions of “status” clamoring to try to get into her pants.

But honestly, while the details are sexy and all, the problem that you’re dealing with is actually remarkably common. The problem isn’t that she’s a gogo dancer or that she’s got celebrities hitting on her. The problem is that you’re worried that you’re not good enough for her and that you can’t contend with the hordes of other men who might be competing for her time and attention.

In fact, you see a lot of this discourse these days in a lot of Manosphere circles and related social media accounts – men proclaiming how they’d never “let” their girlfriend start an OnlyFans or how women who “show off their bodies on Instagram” are less trustworthy because... reasons. 

Now if we’re being honest, much of this discourse happens because the loudest voices are very open about wanting to control their girlfriends or wives, making them less “partners” and more “property”. But another part of it comes because of how many people see dating as a competition. This undercurrent comes up all the time when we hear from men who worry that the women they want to date are “out of their league” or that they can’t outperform “players”. They worry that they don’t have the coolest car, the best or sexiest job, the biggest paycheck or the “Six Sixes” and thus can never trust that their relationship is secure.

Mix this with classic toxic and restrictive ideas about gender roles – like men having to earn more than their partners – and you’ve created a situation where someone can never feel secure in their relationship. There’s always that fear that “someone wants to take my stuff”, and worse, your “stuff” may want to be taken.

And that’s what we have here. Take away the sexy details and this is a common, even mundane problem. It’s ultimately down to the fear that dating is less about mutual attraction, respect, shared interests and values and compatibility, and more about who’s got the most points on the spreadsheet.

But that’s not how people date. While there’re always going to be individuals who are that mercenary and status-seeking in their relationships, they’re so few and far between that worrying about them is like worrying about being eaten by a great white shark… when you live in Iowa.

But hey, maybe that’s a thing to worry about for you. Johnny Theoretical may be in the Mojave, but you and your sweetie are swimming around The Great Barrier Reef… and your girlfriend’s been dousing herself in steak sauce. So how is an average non-celebrity supposed to date an incredible woman when there’re so many other people who also want her? Men who can flash fat stacks and flashy rides, wave their clout around and turn her head with all those demonstrations of higher value?

Well here’s my first question: if your girlfriend was that shallow and that easily drawn away, wouldn’t that mean that she shouldn’t be with you in the first place? Well, obviously not. It’s not as though you met her when she was a simple, naive young thing from the country, stepping off the bus and into The Big Bad City for the first time. She was a a gogo dancer and fixture in the nightlife scene when you met her. She was already living a life that brought her into contact with the rich and famous, with folks trying to woo her with their connections, cash and clout. And yet she’s with you. Has been all this time, too.

Yeah, the Usual Suspects can make noises about “betabux” or weird cuckoo logic (literal cuckoo logic, at that) about banging celebrities behind your back while dating you, but none of that actually makes a lick of damn sense when you think about it for half a second. If her whole thing would be banging all these “better” men… why would she be doing so while dating you? Clearly it would be better for her to actually be single and maximize her opportunities. Nor would it make much sense for her to be buying you things with the money she’s earning in these flashy, sexy jobs, if you’re just the “beta” who’s ultimately providing support for the lifestyle to which she intends to be come accustomed.

I think you have to take a deep breath and look at how she’s actually behaving. Unless you left some significant details out of your letter, it sounds like this is much more about the potential that some celebrity will finally break down her defenses and sweep her off her feet than an actual worry. If she’s been with you, a non-celebrity, for all this time (and again, in a career that she’s had from before you met her) and stayed with you as she’s had TV gigs, modeling jobs and other occasions to mix and mingle amongst the glamorous… well maybe she’s with you because she likes you for who you are. She didn’t start dating you because you’re the New Hotness on the Hollywood scene, she started dating you because you’re you and she likes you, specifically. 

Plus, I can guarantee you that she finds a lot of the celebrities to be obnoxious. I’ve got friends who’ve been in similar situations – friends who dated folks who you would’ve heard of – who’ve said the same thing: 9 times out of 10, the celebrities who’re hitting on the dancers or models tend to be tedious at best, or their behavior and attitudes render them utterly unfuckable.

So I think what you need, to help get over this hump, is to focus on that. She started dating you because of who you are and how you make her feel. Trusting her and trusting that connection will do much more for easing your anxiety and realizing that hey, she’s fully capable of recognizing that she’s got a good thing going here.

Now as for the money issue… look, it’s hard to undo a literal lifetime of social programming that gets so deeply embedded in male psyches that some men get erectile dysfunction when their partners outearn them. But while your disparity in income may mean that you can’t split the bills 50/50, you can contribute in other ways. Even if it means saving up so you can splurge on her on occasion, finding different ways to provide in the relationship and actually valuing those contributions will help immensely. Your bank accounts may have similar balances, but you can make sure that the balance of your participation in your shared life makes up the difference.

And honestly? That’s going to mean a lot more to her than anything with a price tag on it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 29 year old male in a 7 month relationship with a 27 year old female. As per attachment theory I’m an anxious preoccupied and my girlfriend is a Fearful Avoidant. My girlfriend is away in another city 7 hours away for a short course that she is in with 7 other batchmates and they have all become fast friends.

I do have high amounts of jealousy and insecurity that stems from my attachment trauma from childhood and am working on it with a therapist. My girlfriend has been going out drinking a lot with these new friends that are both male and female. I’ve been jealous of how she gets to do fun things with them and since I have no social life of my own in the small town I’m in, and I feel she is exceptionally more exuberant with them and doesn’t have that same kind of fun with me although things have been romantic between us so far. I keep constantly comparing her time with friends with the time she has had with me before leaving for this course. Since the anxiety was building up a lot I decided to communicate with her how due to some issues of mine I’ve been feeling jealous and anxious and that it was my personal responsibility to work on these things but nonetheless I feel that way. To which she replied it’s my problem and just to test my limits says the following thing

” Right after you called a platonic friend of mine who I had a crush on 4 or 5 years back was hugging me coz we had argued and was apologetic. And after all of us batchmates got drunk we slept on the same bed. On because we are asleep bodies are in contact and limbs are intertwined and I don’t see them as male and female bodies. In fact hypothetically if one of my male batchmate (1 month of knowing him) decided to kiss my cheek with a brotherly vibe, I don’t mind it at all. I have no problem with this kind of physical intimacy. I know my boundaries mentally and a girl would know if a guy is touching her with a different intention. I’m perfect and I’m happy and for my mental health I need both friends and the relationship I have with you. I’m not going to change for anybody”��My question is despite my deep insecurity and jealousy is the scenario that she mentioned normal? Of platonic opposite sex friends sharing the same bed? ‘Cuz in sleep body parts can go here and there. And despite trying to be non-confrontationally communicative, there seems to be no understanding. I have been in quite a few relationships and this is her first. I like whatever is going with us but I seem to obsessively now thinking about her being in physical contact with her opposite sex friends, cuddling/ spooning her and don’t feel like I can bring this up again without killing her attraction and respect towards me. Going alone to Google these doesn’t help one bit. Am I being irrational? Or is what she mentioned completely normal?

Going Crazy

DEAR GOING CRAZY: Well someone call the bellhop because there’s a lot to unpack here.

Let’s start with the immediate question: yes, two people sharing a bed can be completely platonic. No, parts don’t “accidentally” go into other parts when people are asleep, even when snuggled right up against one another. And yes, people can be physically and demonstrably affectionate with their friends; a guy kissing his female friend on the cheek isn’t automatically a sign of sexual or romantic interest, nor is it automatically intended that way.

Now, if the dude is trying to use a “frog-in-a-boiling-pot” approach to getting the person he’s crushing on comfortable with an escalating level of physical affection… well that’s when things get sus. But that isn’t the fault of the person who’s being kissed, and the person on the receiving end is fully capable of saying “hey, knock that off.”

But those are symptoms, not the real issues here. The way I see it, there’re three big problems that need to be dealt with. 

The first is your jealousy and envy –– which I don’t think is entirely about your girlfriend sharing a bed with someone. I suspect a big part of it is that you’re feeling isolated and left out. Your girlfriend, who’s hours away, is having an active social life while you’re at home in a small town and feeling lonely. It’s entirely understandable that you’re feeling worried that she’s having these great experiences and growing closer with her friends and that this means that she will also be growing distant from you.

But I think your feeling lonely and bored is the bigger contributing factor. It seems as though she’s your only source of socialization and fun when she’s around, so the idea that she’s having fun with other folks is leaving her with less time for you, and possibly even making the time she spends with you “less special”. If you had more of a social life, with your own and were out doing fun things yourself, you wouldn’t feel quite as uncomfortable that she’s enjoying herself with her friends. Amongst other things, you’d see that the fun she’s having doesn’t take away from the fun she has with you, in part because the fun you would be having with your friends wouldn’t take away from the fun you have with her.

So I think part of the solution here is fairly simple: you want to work on making new friends and having a more active social life. This will be helpful on a number of levels – amongst other things, being the only social outlet for someone can be exhausting. But just having more friends, more adventures of your own and more people you can turn to for emotional intimacy and connection will make you feel better overall and ease that sense of FOMO.

Now to be sure, making friends as an adult isn’t as simple as when you’re in school, but the process itself can be valuable and enriching as well. So, putting yourself out there, finding more things to do and connecting with people and letting those connections build to acquaintances and then to friendships will do wonders for you.

The next thing that I think you need to focus on is communication. The way your girlfriend responded seems… oddly aggressive. Now, if those are her actual words and not a summary and interpretation, then I’m torn between whether she’s that confrontational or if you were a little overly aggressive in how you were telling her how you feel. It’s not a bad thing to say “hey, I’m feeling a bit jealous right now”. It’s what you ask for next that determines whether things become a problem or not. If you framed it as “I need a little reassurance, could you give me a bit more affection or sweetness?” then yeah, her response seems a bit much. However if it was “I want you to stop doing X, because it makes me upset”… well then you’re going to run into problems.

See, your girlfriend – an independent person with her own agency – isn’t going to appreciate being told how to live her life, especially when there’s not really anything untoward happening. Between being told what she is or isn’t allowed to do and the underlying message of “I don’t trust you”, it’s understandable that she’s going to be irked.

Knowing how to communicate your feelings and what to ask for to help – and being able to express why it would make things better – is an important skill to cultivate for the long-term success of your relationship. Saying “You need to change how you relate to your friends because I don’t like it” isn’t good, constructive or helpful. Saying “I miss you and I worry that we’re drifting apart while you’re away, so I could use some reassurance and affirmation please”, on the other hand, is.

But that leads to our third issue: do you trust your girlfriend or not? Yes, you’ve got jealousy and attachment issues, I get that. But there comes a point where either you trust your girlfriend to be monogamous, to tell you the truth and to not do things that would hurt you, or you don’t. And if you don’t… well, that’s a you problem, not a her problem, and that makes it your issue to fix. That includes not constantly going to her for reassurance. It’s one thing to ask for a little help, but if you’re not working on giving yourself that reassurance, then you’re making it her problem to fix.

Now this is another place where having more people in your life would be helpful. Having more friends and loved ones means that you have more people to turn to for support, affirmation and to be talked back from the ledge. You’re better able to spread your need for intimacy and connection around, instead of piling it all onto one or two people. It creates a more stable base for you and keeps you from accidentally dumping all over others, putting too much stress on your relationship with them. Plus, having more people to do things with means you have less time to spend just letting your jerk brain running wild with all kinds of unpleasant or unwelcome fantasies and intrusive thoughts.

But again, you still have to be able to soothe yourself and sort your own feels. You can lean on others, but also have to be your own hero and the person you can rely on to pull yourself out of the spiral.

So do yourself a favor: talk to your therapist about some self-soothing and reassurance, while you work on building a social life. The less alone you feel, the less you’ll worry that you’ll lose your only connection. Having an abundance of people in your life helps ease that desire to cling to your girlfriend like a lovesick lamprey.

Plus, you’ll have a much better life overall. And that’s always a good thing.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com