DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: How do I as a 26 years old male have a strong personality from your point of view? I currently have a weak one.
No Face
DEAR NO FACE: I wish you’d given more details, NF, because “strong personality” and “weak personality” can mean so many different things that it’s hard to make a recommendation.
I’d ask, for example, what you mean by a “weak” personality. Do you mean that you’re not assertive? That you’re afraid to take up metaphorical space in the room and cede ground to people who are more aggressive or determined than you are?
Or do you mean that you’re a push-over, who goes along with what other people want, even if it’s something you can’t stand, or that goes against your highest good? Do you sacrifice your needs for others because you can’t bring yourself to say “no”?
Or for that matter, does it mean that you don’t have a strong sense of “self” and your idea of “you” is so malleable that who you are and what you stand for varies depending on the room you’re in and the company you’re with?
I’d also want to know: how is this a problem for you? How does it interfere with your life? Does it mean that you’ve been pushed into things that go against your values, or had people violate your boundaries with impunity? Or is it simply that you’re more submissive and you feel like this is bad for you as a man?
I ask because the latter isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Being submissive doesn’t make you less of a man, any more than someone being dominant doesn’t make her any less of a woman. That’s just how you’re wired, and it can be better to lean into it than to try to fight it. There’re women who like less-aggressive, less dominant men, just as there’re more soft-spoken and reticent men who’re more into aggressive and assertive women. If it’s about who’s the “alpha” (as it were) in the relationship, then perhaps the real issue is finding someone who’s compatible with you rather than needing to change something fundamental about yourself.
But if your having a “weak” personality is leading to negative consequences in your life – being bullied, easily pushed around, etc. – then part of the answer will be learning to be more comfortable with keeping and maintaining boundaries, saying “no” and meaning it.
Now to be fair, this is easy to say and less easy to put into practice. Some of maintaining boundaries comes down to practice; having friends who will roleplay scenarios, being willing to say “no” to small things so that you feel more confident saying “no” to bigger ones and so on. However, more of maintaining boundaries means learning to love and respect yourself enough that you allow yourself to believe you have a right to them in the first place.
Now I want you to notice very carefully that I’m framing this in terms of love and self-respect. There’s a natural – some would say understandable – tendency to think that shaming yourself or treating yourself with contempt will force you to shape up. But honestly, all that this does is make it that much harder to be a good or sincere person. The people whose assertiveness and drive for dominance comes from a place of self-loathing tend to be incredibly brittle. They aren’t strong so much as aggressive. They push and demand and make a scene, but it’s bluster; they’re more likely to be passive-aggressive and cagey, unwilling to take a direct stand. They’ll lash out at others and project blame, instead of having a sense of their own worth. It takes very little pushing before they shatter.
Loving yourself, however, and recognizing that you have a right to dictate who gets access to you and how, that you have a right to the space you occupy, is much stronger. It means that if you bend, then you do so when you choose to do so. It also means that you love yourself to know that there are times you need to prioritize yourself. It also means that you’re willing to face the consequences of saying “no” or to saying “I deserve to be here”. The people who are most likely to try to take advantage of your weak boundaries are the very people who are most likely to try make you feel like you’re bad for having them in the first place. Telling them “no” is hard… but it’s necessary. This is it’s important to remember that “no” is a complete sentence. Once your “no” becomes conditional on other people’s agreement, then you aren’t holding a boundary, you’ve entered the start of a negotiation… one you’re likely to lose.
So, absent other information, I would recommend you work on loving, supporting and encouraging yourself. It may mean repeating affirmations as you look in the mirror – cheesy, I know, but it works. It may mean learning to stop neglecting your needs or pretending you don’t have them because you think that having them is an inconvenience to others. Sometimes it may mean just treating yourself like you deserve good things, treating yourself with respect and with care, so that you’re able to accept it.
And in the meantime, gather Team You around you – the folks who love and support you and want the best for you – and practice being able to say “no” and standing up for yourself. The more you’re willing to take up space, instead of shrinking away for fear of inconveniencing others – or being noticed by them – the more you’ll discover your strength.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com