DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a mental health therapist who has been really glad to have your blog as a resource to recommend to some of my clients. Even if I give the same advice, it lands differently coming from you than from a twenty something lady. I have a “theoretical-to-me-but-not-to-others” question.

I’m in my late twenties, am 99% sure I’m asexual and aromatic (sex repulsed for myself, sex neutral for others after a lot of hard work in therapy), and have lived with OCD since a young age. While most of my symptoms are well managed, the symptoms that remain are related to sex – specifically avoiding it and any reminders of it because the obsessions that arise trigger so much fear.

If I were not asexual and aromatic and wanted to have a sexual relationship, the process to get comfortable with sex would be daunting. This is a situation some people find themselves in, wanting sex but scared due to trauma, OCD, etc. The best practice treatment for OCD, and PTSD, include a very strong exposure component – repeatedly doing the scary thing bit by bit until it isn’t scary any more. This is often accomplished by creating a personalized subjective units of distress scale (aka: how scared am I zero to ten?), a fear hierarchy (rating different feared task using the SUDS and starting with the lowest and then moving upwards), alongside cognitive and self regulation strategies.��However, at some point, someone who is scared of sex (or the germs that spread during sex, or the intrusive thoughts/trauma memories they have during sex, or not-just-right experiences during sex, or body related fears during sex, or irrational pregnancy related fears during sex, or moral/religious scrupulosity fears during sex, or….) is going to need to have sex to become less scared of it – irrational fears don’t respond to reasoning – and portions of that will likely not be enjoyable.

The process for me would look something like:�1) go on a date�2) hold hands in private�3)hold hands in public�3) nonsexual touch on torso in private�4) nonsexual touch on torso in public�5) kiss in private�6)kiss in public�(Skip maybe ten steps here- fill in with your imagination)�16) have sex��(Add some more steps at the end for more scary variations of whatever the least scary variation of sex was in step 16).

So, here’s the question… how in the world would I go about finding a romantic/sexual partner that is willing to repeat each step 10 to 15 times, with me visibly panicking for maybe the first 5 times? I think “is turned on by sexual contact with someone scared of the contact” or “likes having sex with a partner who didn’t enjoy it” is a potentially dangerous quality to be selecting for. Now, not everyone who has fears related to sex would necessarily have the same number of tasks on the hierarchy or same intensity of fear, but I can’t cover every scenario here. Just wanted to give an example to ensure that we’re on the same page for the therapy process I’m describing.

I’m also aware that a specialized sex therapist might have more therapeutic strategies that I’m not familiar with that could dial back some of the unpleasantness, but I don’t think it would remove it entirely.

I know sexual surrogates exist and would be an option, but they are few and far between. Some people who are scared of sex are already in relationships that might have enough commitment or love to overcome this barrier, but many relationships wouldn’t. So what would you advise in this/these kinds of situations?

Thanks,�Scared of Sex

DEAR SCARED OF SEX: So, right off the bat, I want to give my standard disclaimer that Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor. As a mental health professional, you’re far better equipped than me to handle some of these questions. So I want to strongly recommend that you (or anyone else to whom this would be relevant) take my advice with all appropriate levels of salt. And probably run them past someone who has actual credentials (beyond the best doctorate $30 could buy) before putting them into practice.

But my first question would be “is this necessarily something that needs to be fixed?” I’m hesitant to suggest how asexual or aromantic might try to change; the idea that not experiencing sexual attraction or feeling romantic love are flaws to be fixed can be kinda dehumanizing. If this isn’t a problem – that is, you (or whomever) are generally ok with not being sexual, then I don’t see any real need to fix it, especially if it’s not materially affecting your life.

Now, you mention that any reminders of sex or sexuality can be triggers… that is something that probably needs to be worked on. There’s a difference between “can’t function in society because OCD/trauma/intrusive thoughts/incredible repulsion” and “don’t want a sexual relationship”. The former makes life borderline unlivable. The latter, less so. And since sex is a part of life and a part of society, so the odds of running into something that may be a trigger for you are very high.

As far as treatments or therapies go… I don’t know if exposure therapy would necessarily go as far as “ok, to truly be over this, you need to go out and have sex,” even as part of a program of gradual exposure and desensitization. There’re a few quite a few steps I could see in between, from gradual exposure to advertising, going from G rated films to PG, even (theoretically) up to something like The Red Shoe Diaries or other soft-core shows or movies. I could also see moving from platonic touch in non-sexual places, to holding hands, to giving or receiving a kiss on the cheek. But recommending actual intercourse? As I said: not a medical professional, but I’m having a hard time seeing that as being part of standard therapy or even passing an ethics committee. But I could well be wrong. 

I do wonder if cognitive behavioral therapy might be a good supplement, or even used instead of exposure, especially if the OCD manifests more as unwelcome and intrusive thoughts. CBT exercises are very good at helping people deal with anxieties, irrational or unwanted thoughts and getting one’s emotions and brain under control. Going through those exercises, especially in combination with an anti-anxiety medication might be incredibly helpful for folks who find these issues to be restrictive or crippling.

I’m also a believer in non-conventional ways of dealing with anxiety. Sometimes, playing into the world that the anxiety creates can also give solutions. Just as some folks with paranoid schizophrenia have found relief by having “legal” rulings handed down that forbid the CIA/aliens/Atlanteans/whatever from spying on someone’s thoughts, finding ways to mitigate or obviate the cause for anxiety can be helpful. If someone’s afraid of an unwanted pregnancy, taking steps that make pregnancy impossible (outercourse, mutual masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, etc.) may provide relief. You can’t get pregnant from oral sex, after all. The same with religious or social related fears; if someone in a position of authority, real or percieved, gives the official thumbs up, that can also help.

But in scenarios where the person is actually, actively trying to be ok with having sex or sexual contact with another person? First, I’d highly recommend screening folks in advance and only dating people who are going to be cool with taking things slower than a sloth crawling through molasses in January. While these folks may be rare on the ground, having an understanding and supportive partner will be vital. You want someone who knows this is going to be a process of potentially months if not longer, who’s willing to commit to that and not make comments or hints that they want it to be going faster or doing more.

I’d also suggest setting up a system of safe-words. As I said to Trying To Be Less Touchy, safe-words have utility outside of just BDSM scenarios. If you want to try to be more physical but also know that you may have atavistic or severe reactions, having an easily communicated signal that quickly signal “this is ok”, “yes, I’m freaking out, but keep going, I’m trying to push past this” and “STOP IMMEDIATELY” will be invaluable, both to you and to the person you’re being physical with. Having these in place in advance will mean that you feel empowered (since you’ll know you can pull the ripcord at any time) and your partner won’t have the (very reasonable and understandable) fear of pushing too far and causing even more trauma.

And yes, in this case, sexual surrogates can be a big help. This is, quite literally, part of what they’re trained for. But as you said, they’re very uncommon and the legality of the profession is dubious. However, seeking sexual surrogates out and talking about their processes and procedures for working with a client with issues like yours may give some insight on how you or your therapist may want to proceed.

But more than anything else, my recommendation (besides FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T DO EXPOSURE THERAPY WITHOUT THE GUIDANCE AND DIRECTION OF A TRAINED, LICENSED AND CREDENTIALED PROFESSIONAL) is communication, communication, communication. If there’re landmines that need to be either dug up or avoided, then making sure that one’s partners, now and in the future, know where they are and what sets them off will be beyond vital. This is an area where being unafraid to communicate your needs and boundaries clearly are going to be of utmost importance, both for your emotional safety and your partner’s.

And of course, if someone treats those boundaries around sex or touch as a problem or an annoying hurdle… well, that’s a person who just self-selected out of your dating pool. Being gentle, understanding, respectful and patient are going to be absolute must-haves.

But again, this is assuming that these are things that the ace or aro person wants to fix. Sometimes the problem isn’t with the person, but in who other folks think that person should be.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time, first time, you know the drill. I want you to settle something for me and my friends. We’ve been arguing about the whole “who’s the most attractive to women” and we’re getting nowhere.

My position is that women are more attracted to bodies than guys think. I can’t on Instagram without seeing my female friends openly drooling over some gym bro with 8% body fat. Meanwhile if you were to ask them, they’d say it’s not about their looks so much as other aspects, and then they point to Pete Davidson or that dude on The Bear (or whatever it’s called) and I don’t get it.

My buddies point out that Davidson’s got money, fame, and he’s supposed to have a massive dick, which could also explain why he’s constantly dating Kim K level chicks even looking like trash.

So which is it? Help a bro out.

Wants The Secret Sauce

DEAR WANTS THE SECRET SAUCE: Ah, WTSS, I want to thank you for this timely gift; I’ve been looking for an excuse to talk about this without having to relitigate the Debate That Never Ends about men’s physiques and what men need to look like to get hot women.

This is a topic that, obviously, comes up a lot, and in a lot of weird places. I still remember the folks who came out of Chef, complaining that Jon Favreau was clearly full of s--t for implying that his character could’ve hooked up with women who look like Scarlett Johannson and Sofia Vegara. Meanwhile, everyone I know who’s familiar with kitchen culture and chefs in particular was nodding along; professional chefs have long been known as some of the sex-gettingist people out there, even when they looked like a greased up sewer rat.

(And this is before we get to the Discourse of casting Luis Guzman as Gomez Addams in Wednesday…)

And then, of course, there’s Pete Davidson, a man who has a seemingly singular ability – as one of my friends put it – to kick outside his coverage, despite looking like a consumptive line cook at Waffle House who deals meth on the side.

So what gives?

Well, what gives is… not really paying attention to women. In fact, one of the things that trips a lot of guys up is that they fail to realize that a) women aren’t a hive mind and b) most of what they think makes a guy attractive is what’s making him more attractive… to other men. While I don’t think anyone will deny that there’s definitely something aesthetically appealing about a guy built like a Greek statue, most of what guys think of as making dudes attractive is based around what impresses them and projecting outward.

In fact, so much of men’s ideas about what women want isn’t borne out of women’s interests as much as their own anxieties and interests projected outward. A lot of guys want women with idealized physiques and so they tend to assume that women want the same thing. Guys who’re the most worried about their height – and how height ties to perceptions of masculinity – are the ones most convinced that this is all women care about. Same with hair, same with money, same with having a massive schlong. It’s less about women’s actual tastes and much more about their own beliefs being reflected back at them.

I mean, Shania Twain had a hit song about it and everything.

But if you start to look at media created by women, for women… you get a very different picture. You’re going to find, for example, a lot more women who’ll get very turned on by a man’s hands. Or his singing voice. Or being large but gentle and kind.

In fact, if you watch romantic comedies or read romance novels, you may notice, for example, that the thing that ultimately makes it possible for the female lead to fall for the male romantic lead isn’t that he hit the gym and got a promotion at work… it’s that his behavior and attitude changed.

Even in cases of guys who are stupidly handsome already, what flips women’s attraction switches in those stories is about how they act. Crazy, Stupid, Love is a prime example of this; Ryan Gosling’s arc – what makes it possible for Emma Stone to fall for him – is dropping his whole “player” facade and being genuine with her. Yes, he’s good looking and there’s chemistry there, but his gamesmanship is a turn-off and only irritates her. It’s only when he’s actually real that a relationship starts.

Which brings us to Pete Davidson. It always amuses me when folks bring up his money or his fame as being the only thing that makes him appealing… as though Ariana Grande, Emily Ratajkowski or Kim “an actual billionaire” Kardashian are going to be star-struck or bowled over by his SNL residuals.

Now, while Pete may or may not be carrying around a baby’s arm holding an apple in his pants, one of the things that is worth looking at is who many of these women were dating before him. The most obvious example is Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kanye – especially as he shacks up with actual Nazis and goes on InfoWars and other insurrectionist podcasts to proclaim his love of Hitler.

One of the things you can say for Davidson is that he’s the definition of low-drama. There aren’t any huge scandals about how s--tty of a boyfriend he is (at least, as of this writing…) or how his relationships have blown up or crashed and burned. If anything, it seems safe to say that he has a track record of relationships that’ve ended fairly amicably. There’re obviously some impulsive moments – his rapid engagement to Grande and tattooing her name on his neck, for example – but no grand blow-ups. In fact, most of his exes – and in some cases their families – have nothing but good things to say about him, and vice versa.

Dating someone who’s affectionate, fun, with low stakes and who’s unquestionably chill after the tumultuous roller-coasters that define celebrity relationships? That alone has to be like a cool washcloth on a sunburn.

Then there’s the fact that, beyond being sweet, he’s genuinely funny. Love him or hate him, you can’t deny that he’s a gifted comedian. That makes him fun to be around. After all, when we enjoy ourselves more in somebody’s presence, we instinctively prioritize our relationship with that person. We enjoy the dopamine that comes with someone who can make us laugh or have a good time, and want more, and so we spend more and more time with them.

I mean, there’s a reason why Jessica Rabbit’s reasoning for marrying Roger is “he makes me laugh“.

And let’s be honest: Davidson’s not a bad looking guy. He’s unconventional looking, sure, in no small part because of the effects of having Crohn’s Disease and… let’s call them questionable tattoos.

(Look, I’m a tattoo snob, ok?)

He – like a lot of folks who declare to me that they look like the spawn of the Toxic Avenger – is average at WORST. And while he may not be everyone’s cup of tea, his appeal is undeniable… in no small part because our personalities make us more attractive to people. The more we get to know people, the more attractive they become to us, regardless of their physical looks. This is well-documented; over time, uniqueness ranks higher in appeal than conventional good looks. Now this isn’t to say that looking good doesn’t matter. Nobody’s saying that. But what makes someone good looking isn’t the same as being attractive, and most of what makes someone good looking is presentation – hair, skin care, style, etc.

But what about those women drooling over thirst traps on Instagram?

Well… what about them? Guys are fully capable of being turned on by women with curves like a stretch of bad road and still be attracted to women with different bodies. Being attracted to one body type is hardly exclusionary to all others. And what we find aesthetically pleasing isn’t always the same as what we’d want in a partner. I know a lot of women who like the look of professional athletes or celebrities but would never want to actually be in a relationship with them.

So if you’re curious about what makes a dude appealing to women, even if you can’t see it? Well… maybe look at what women are saying, instead of assuming that what other guys told you has to be the truth.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I’ve been feeling deeply discouraged and hopeless with regards sex, love and relationships.

During a period of pretty intense mental illness in my twenties, I went 7 years without a relationship or any casual sex, something which horrified my friends and even drew a barely disguised gasp of surprise from my doctor.

I’ve been trying to reintroduce this into my life, and had one intense but short relationship with someone I met in the psyche hospital (probably should have seen that coming), and a series of completely unsuccessful attempts at flirtation or one night stands.

I’m pretty baffled by getting back into a woman’s bed then discovering that actually, she isn’t interested. Or going on a date with someone and they go off with another random guy. To clarify, I don’t believe women owe me anything for being kind and respectful, although curiously women often tell me I’m “too nice.” I’m not exactly bitter about these experiences, they’ve led to some wonderful friendships. And I don’t think its a desperation thing; I’ve got very good and comfortable at being alone. However I have to wonder why this keeps happening to me, no one else I know has had that happen to them, or at least they’ve not shared that with me. Each of these experiences chips away at my already pitifully small self confidence, I wonder if I’m boring, ugly or just tragically socially inept.

I know I’m terrible at flirting. I know that deep down I’m emotionally scarred and people can probably tell. I know that when I look inside I see a very frightened young man, and I know that most people don’t want responsibility for that. I know that, psychologically speaking, what I’m seeking really is protection, nurturing etc. And I realise that this is a big ask.

People say you shouldn’t avoid relationships/sex out of fear of rejection but if the rejection happens before you’ve even started what are you to do? People say you need to be comfortable on your own, but I’ve spent most of my life alone, if anything I got too comfortable. As for being comfortable with myself in that sense, I’m not sure that will ever happen, maybe some wounds don’t heal.

I’m deathly afraid of spending my whole life lonely, confused and wounded.

Afraid And Lonely

DEAR AFRAID AND LONELY: I want to preface this with saying that I’m sorry that you’ve had so many struggles with mental illness and I’m glad that you’re doing better on that score. I hope you’ve been continuing to prioritize your recovery and overall mental and emotional health; that’s going to be vital for being in any relationships going forward.��But I wonder if you’ve considered how much that your mental illness – or rather, the self-perception of you as someone dealing with a mental condition – may make you a less than reliable narrator in your own story.

I don’t mean that you’re lying – either to me or to yourself. I mean that how you see yourself affects how you see the world, and you may be making assumptions about folks that aren’t necessarily real or valid.

I mean… I know I’m a broken record when it comes to talking about having ADHD, but one of the most significant effects it’s had on my life is what’s known as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. One of the side effects of RSD is that, when it’s not under control, it leaves me prone to catastrophizing, especially when it comes to relationships. Because my sensitivity to rejection gets dialed up to 11 (and then snaps the knob off), anything becomes proof that shit’s going wrong and my friends or lovers hate me and I’m about to be abandoned… no matter how mundane the actual issue is. When things are bad, I need to be especially mindful that what I’m feeling is happening is necessarily what’s actually happening, and my interpretation of events is to be regarded as suspect at best. What I may assume is a sign someone getting ready to slow-walk me out of a relationship tends to be nothing of the sort.

So, it’s important to be aware that sometimes we’re not the objective, eagle-eyed observers of our own lives. More often than not, we’re filtering what we see and experience through the lens of our own baggage and expectations.�This is why, for example, I wonder just what actually went down on your date where she left with someone else. There’s an almost incomprehensible number of possibilities here, ranging from “did she know that this was a date?” to “are you sure she abandoned you for someone else and didn’t leave with a friend?”

But that aside, there’re two things that stand out to me in your letter. First is your comment about being “too nice”. 9 times out of 10, when women tell you that you’re “too nice”, what they’re actually saying is that you’re a pushover. Women aren’t chomping at the bit for an asshole; what they want is a guy who’s confident and assertive. Not necessarily bossy or demanding to be in charge, but at least someone who’ll speak his mind, who has definite opinions and interests and is willing to put himself out there. A lot of guys who get told they’re “too nice” are… well, wishy washy. They’re ultimately asking their dates and potential partners to do a disproportionate amount of the emotional labor, if not all of it. And when that’s combined with a seeming inability to take a definite stand for what they want or need… well, it’s not exactly a surprise that women aren’t turned on by that.

(And the ones who are tend to be ones you don’t want to be in a relationship with.)

The second thing is exactly what you said: you’re really looking for protection and nurturing. Well… two things. First, there’s the fact that not many women are looking to take the mommy role for their boyfriends. While that’s not what you’re necessarily asking from them, that is how some of what you say or do may be coming across. Most women have their hands full dealing with their own lives; they don’t have the bandwidth to manage someone else’s while they’re at it.��The second is that… well, if you’re looking for someone who’s going to be the more assertive or protective partner, are you actively looking for women who have those personalities? You may – and I stress may – be needing to look for women who have strong personalities and who are likely to be the dominant partner. There’s nothing wrong with your being the more submissive partner in the duo, but if you’re not prioritizing those traits in the women you’re looking to date, you’re going to end up with a lot of mismatches that ultimately go nowhere.

But at the same time, not being the dominant partner doesn’t mean that you’re a complete doormat either. If you’re not able to stand up for yourself, you’re going to have a hard time getting those more assertive women interested in you. There’s a difference between being liking softer or more submissive guys and someone who just lets people walk all over them.

And here’s the thing about wanting nurturing and protection: sometimes you’ve gotta be the hero you need, instead of waiting for them to come around. A lot of times, when we’re looking for qualities in a partner, what we’re often doing is looking for qualities we feel that we’re lacking. But the problem with trying to fill those needs with other people is that those are never stable solutions. When the thing that makes you functional or whole is controlled by someone else… well, it’s not really there. You can’t really feel secure, because this vital piece is outside of your agency, and even the healthiest relationships can still end. And if that happens… well, you’re back to having that gaping void again.

Like a Buddhist hot dog vendor said after being handed a twenty: change comes from within. There’s nothing wrong with wanting or craving nurturing and protection, but you need to be able to be your primary source for it. Otherwise, you’re going to be looking for more than what a lot of folks are willing or able to give. Or, for that matter, than would be healthy for either of you.

It sounds to me like you still have some pretty deep wounds. If I’m being honest? I’m not sure you’re in a good place to be dating, just yet. If you want my opinion – and since you wrote in, I’m going to assume you do – I think you need to work on those. Your self-perception and your sense of lack are going to hamper you and lead you to bad matches and worse relationships.

I’d suggest that you focus on improving your self-perception and self-worth. Be the hero you need and cultivate those qualities in yourself. This may require working with a therapist. It may mean more time being single while you’re healing. That’s ok. You don’t want to be in a rush. Focus on your healing, my dude. Love will be waiting for you when you’re done… and it’ll be so much better for you when you’re finally ready for it.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com