DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time, first time, you know the drill. I want you to settle something for me and my friends. We’ve been arguing about the whole “who’s the most attractive to women” and we’re getting nowhere.

My position is that women are more attracted to bodies than guys think. I can’t on Instagram without seeing my female friends openly drooling over some gym bro with 8% body fat. Meanwhile if you were to ask them, they’d say it’s not about their looks so much as other aspects, and then they point to Pete Davidson or that dude on The Bear (or whatever it’s called) and I don’t get it.

My buddies point out that Davidson’s got money, fame, and he’s supposed to have a massive dick, which could also explain why he’s constantly dating Kim K level chicks even looking like trash.

So which is it? Help a bro out.

Wants The Secret Sauce

DEAR WANTS THE SECRET SAUCE: Ah, WTSS, I want to thank you for this timely gift; I’ve been looking for an excuse to talk about this without having to relitigate the Debate That Never Ends about men’s physiques and what men need to look like to get hot women.

This is a topic that, obviously, comes up a lot, and in a lot of weird places. I still remember the folks who came out of Chef, complaining that Jon Favreau was clearly full of s--t for implying that his character could’ve hooked up with women who look like Scarlett Johannson and Sofia Vegara. Meanwhile, everyone I know who’s familiar with kitchen culture and chefs in particular was nodding along; professional chefs have long been known as some of the sex-gettingist people out there, even when they looked like a greased up sewer rat.

(And this is before we get to the Discourse of casting Luis Guzman as Gomez Addams in Wednesday…)

And then, of course, there’s Pete Davidson, a man who has a seemingly singular ability – as one of my friends put it – to kick outside his coverage, despite looking like a consumptive line cook at Waffle House who deals meth on the side.

So what gives?

Well, what gives is… not really paying attention to women. In fact, one of the things that trips a lot of guys up is that they fail to realize that a) women aren’t a hive mind and b) most of what they think makes a guy attractive is what’s making him more attractive… to other men. While I don’t think anyone will deny that there’s definitely something aesthetically appealing about a guy built like a Greek statue, most of what guys think of as making dudes attractive is based around what impresses them and projecting outward.

In fact, so much of men’s ideas about what women want isn’t borne out of women’s interests as much as their own anxieties and interests projected outward. A lot of guys want women with idealized physiques and so they tend to assume that women want the same thing. Guys who’re the most worried about their height – and how height ties to perceptions of masculinity – are the ones most convinced that this is all women care about. Same with hair, same with money, same with having a massive schlong. It’s less about women’s actual tastes and much more about their own beliefs being reflected back at them.

I mean, Shania Twain had a hit song about it and everything.

But if you start to look at media created by women, for women… you get a very different picture. You’re going to find, for example, a lot more women who’ll get very turned on by a man’s hands. Or his singing voice. Or being large but gentle and kind.

In fact, if you watch romantic comedies or read romance novels, you may notice, for example, that the thing that ultimately makes it possible for the female lead to fall for the male romantic lead isn’t that he hit the gym and got a promotion at work… it’s that his behavior and attitude changed.

Even in cases of guys who are stupidly handsome already, what flips women’s attraction switches in those stories is about how they act. Crazy, Stupid, Love is a prime example of this; Ryan Gosling’s arc – what makes it possible for Emma Stone to fall for him – is dropping his whole “player” facade and being genuine with her. Yes, he’s good looking and there’s chemistry there, but his gamesmanship is a turn-off and only irritates her. It’s only when he’s actually real that a relationship starts.

Which brings us to Pete Davidson. It always amuses me when folks bring up his money or his fame as being the only thing that makes him appealing… as though Ariana Grande, Emily Ratajkowski or Kim “an actual billionaire” Kardashian are going to be star-struck or bowled over by his SNL residuals.

Now, while Pete may or may not be carrying around a baby’s arm holding an apple in his pants, one of the things that is worth looking at is who many of these women were dating before him. The most obvious example is Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kanye – especially as he shacks up with actual Nazis and goes on InfoWars and other insurrectionist podcasts to proclaim his love of Hitler.

One of the things you can say for Davidson is that he’s the definition of low-drama. There aren’t any huge scandals about how s--tty of a boyfriend he is (at least, as of this writing…) or how his relationships have blown up or crashed and burned. If anything, it seems safe to say that he has a track record of relationships that’ve ended fairly amicably. There’re obviously some impulsive moments – his rapid engagement to Grande and tattooing her name on his neck, for example – but no grand blow-ups. In fact, most of his exes – and in some cases their families – have nothing but good things to say about him, and vice versa.

Dating someone who’s affectionate, fun, with low stakes and who’s unquestionably chill after the tumultuous roller-coasters that define celebrity relationships? That alone has to be like a cool washcloth on a sunburn.

Then there’s the fact that, beyond being sweet, he’s genuinely funny. Love him or hate him, you can’t deny that he’s a gifted comedian. That makes him fun to be around. After all, when we enjoy ourselves more in somebody’s presence, we instinctively prioritize our relationship with that person. We enjoy the dopamine that comes with someone who can make us laugh or have a good time, and want more, and so we spend more and more time with them.

I mean, there’s a reason why Jessica Rabbit’s reasoning for marrying Roger is “he makes me laugh“.

And let’s be honest: Davidson’s not a bad looking guy. He’s unconventional looking, sure, in no small part because of the effects of having Crohn’s Disease and… let’s call them questionable tattoos.

(Look, I’m a tattoo snob, ok?)

He – like a lot of folks who declare to me that they look like the spawn of the Toxic Avenger – is average at WORST. And while he may not be everyone’s cup of tea, his appeal is undeniable… in no small part because our personalities make us more attractive to people. The more we get to know people, the more attractive they become to us, regardless of their physical looks. This is well-documented; over time, uniqueness ranks higher in appeal than conventional good looks. Now this isn’t to say that looking good doesn’t matter. Nobody’s saying that. But what makes someone good looking isn’t the same as being attractive, and most of what makes someone good looking is presentation – hair, skin care, style, etc.

But what about those women drooling over thirst traps on Instagram?

Well… what about them? Guys are fully capable of being turned on by women with curves like a stretch of bad road and still be attracted to women with different bodies. Being attracted to one body type is hardly exclusionary to all others. And what we find aesthetically pleasing isn’t always the same as what we’d want in a partner. I know a lot of women who like the look of professional athletes or celebrities but would never want to actually be in a relationship with them.

So if you’re curious about what makes a dude appealing to women, even if you can’t see it? Well… maybe look at what women are saying, instead of assuming that what other guys told you has to be the truth.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I’ve been feeling deeply discouraged and hopeless with regards sex, love and relationships.

During a period of pretty intense mental illness in my twenties, I went 7 years without a relationship or any casual sex, something which horrified my friends and even drew a barely disguised gasp of surprise from my doctor.

I’ve been trying to reintroduce this into my life, and had one intense but short relationship with someone I met in the psyche hospital (probably should have seen that coming), and a series of completely unsuccessful attempts at flirtation or one night stands.

I’m pretty baffled by getting back into a woman’s bed then discovering that actually, she isn’t interested. Or going on a date with someone and they go off with another random guy. To clarify, I don’t believe women owe me anything for being kind and respectful, although curiously women often tell me I’m “too nice.” I’m not exactly bitter about these experiences, they’ve led to some wonderful friendships. And I don’t think its a desperation thing; I’ve got very good and comfortable at being alone. However I have to wonder why this keeps happening to me, no one else I know has had that happen to them, or at least they’ve not shared that with me. Each of these experiences chips away at my already pitifully small self confidence, I wonder if I’m boring, ugly or just tragically socially inept.

I know I’m terrible at flirting. I know that deep down I’m emotionally scarred and people can probably tell. I know that when I look inside I see a very frightened young man, and I know that most people don’t want responsibility for that. I know that, psychologically speaking, what I’m seeking really is protection, nurturing etc. And I realise that this is a big ask.

People say you shouldn’t avoid relationships/sex out of fear of rejection but if the rejection happens before you’ve even started what are you to do? People say you need to be comfortable on your own, but I’ve spent most of my life alone, if anything I got too comfortable. As for being comfortable with myself in that sense, I’m not sure that will ever happen, maybe some wounds don’t heal.

I’m deathly afraid of spending my whole life lonely, confused and wounded.

Afraid And Lonely

DEAR AFRAID AND LONELY: I want to preface this with saying that I’m sorry that you’ve had so many struggles with mental illness and I’m glad that you’re doing better on that score. I hope you’ve been continuing to prioritize your recovery and overall mental and emotional health; that’s going to be vital for being in any relationships going forward.��But I wonder if you’ve considered how much that your mental illness – or rather, the self-perception of you as someone dealing with a mental condition – may make you a less than reliable narrator in your own story.

I don’t mean that you’re lying – either to me or to yourself. I mean that how you see yourself affects how you see the world, and you may be making assumptions about folks that aren’t necessarily real or valid.

I mean… I know I’m a broken record when it comes to talking about having ADHD, but one of the most significant effects it’s had on my life is what’s known as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. One of the side effects of RSD is that, when it’s not under control, it leaves me prone to catastrophizing, especially when it comes to relationships. Because my sensitivity to rejection gets dialed up to 11 (and then snaps the knob off), anything becomes proof that shit’s going wrong and my friends or lovers hate me and I’m about to be abandoned… no matter how mundane the actual issue is. When things are bad, I need to be especially mindful that what I’m feeling is happening is necessarily what’s actually happening, and my interpretation of events is to be regarded as suspect at best. What I may assume is a sign someone getting ready to slow-walk me out of a relationship tends to be nothing of the sort.

So, it’s important to be aware that sometimes we’re not the objective, eagle-eyed observers of our own lives. More often than not, we’re filtering what we see and experience through the lens of our own baggage and expectations.�This is why, for example, I wonder just what actually went down on your date where she left with someone else. There’s an almost incomprehensible number of possibilities here, ranging from “did she know that this was a date?” to “are you sure she abandoned you for someone else and didn’t leave with a friend?”

But that aside, there’re two things that stand out to me in your letter. First is your comment about being “too nice”. 9 times out of 10, when women tell you that you’re “too nice”, what they’re actually saying is that you’re a pushover. Women aren’t chomping at the bit for an asshole; what they want is a guy who’s confident and assertive. Not necessarily bossy or demanding to be in charge, but at least someone who’ll speak his mind, who has definite opinions and interests and is willing to put himself out there. A lot of guys who get told they’re “too nice” are… well, wishy washy. They’re ultimately asking their dates and potential partners to do a disproportionate amount of the emotional labor, if not all of it. And when that’s combined with a seeming inability to take a definite stand for what they want or need… well, it’s not exactly a surprise that women aren’t turned on by that.

(And the ones who are tend to be ones you don’t want to be in a relationship with.)

The second thing is exactly what you said: you’re really looking for protection and nurturing. Well… two things. First, there’s the fact that not many women are looking to take the mommy role for their boyfriends. While that’s not what you’re necessarily asking from them, that is how some of what you say or do may be coming across. Most women have their hands full dealing with their own lives; they don’t have the bandwidth to manage someone else’s while they’re at it.��The second is that… well, if you’re looking for someone who’s going to be the more assertive or protective partner, are you actively looking for women who have those personalities? You may – and I stress may – be needing to look for women who have strong personalities and who are likely to be the dominant partner. There’s nothing wrong with your being the more submissive partner in the duo, but if you’re not prioritizing those traits in the women you’re looking to date, you’re going to end up with a lot of mismatches that ultimately go nowhere.

But at the same time, not being the dominant partner doesn’t mean that you’re a complete doormat either. If you’re not able to stand up for yourself, you’re going to have a hard time getting those more assertive women interested in you. There’s a difference between being liking softer or more submissive guys and someone who just lets people walk all over them.

And here’s the thing about wanting nurturing and protection: sometimes you’ve gotta be the hero you need, instead of waiting for them to come around. A lot of times, when we’re looking for qualities in a partner, what we’re often doing is looking for qualities we feel that we’re lacking. But the problem with trying to fill those needs with other people is that those are never stable solutions. When the thing that makes you functional or whole is controlled by someone else… well, it’s not really there. You can’t really feel secure, because this vital piece is outside of your agency, and even the healthiest relationships can still end. And if that happens… well, you’re back to having that gaping void again.

Like a Buddhist hot dog vendor said after being handed a twenty: change comes from within. There’s nothing wrong with wanting or craving nurturing and protection, but you need to be able to be your primary source for it. Otherwise, you’re going to be looking for more than what a lot of folks are willing or able to give. Or, for that matter, than would be healthy for either of you.

It sounds to me like you still have some pretty deep wounds. If I’m being honest? I’m not sure you’re in a good place to be dating, just yet. If you want my opinion – and since you wrote in, I’m going to assume you do – I think you need to work on those. Your self-perception and your sense of lack are going to hamper you and lead you to bad matches and worse relationships.

I’d suggest that you focus on improving your self-perception and self-worth. Be the hero you need and cultivate those qualities in yourself. This may require working with a therapist. It may mean more time being single while you’re healing. That’s ok. You don’t want to be in a rush. Focus on your healing, my dude. Love will be waiting for you when you’re done… and it’ll be so much better for you when you’re finally ready for it.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

Doctor’s Note: Today’s column involves discussion of rape, sexual violence and sexual assault

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 46-year-old cishet white man, and I was sexually assaulted on the subway home from work last week. I’m not going to go into the details of the assault because I think about it enough, thank you very much. I’m still living with the terror of it as my attacker, in a hat and Covid mask exposing only his dark eyes, stared at me the rest of the ride, and I knew he was going to follow me home. There were no police or toll workers in the station at all, so he could do what he wanted on the platform. And given that I was on a crowded train, and nobody could look me in the eyes after, I wasn’t getting any help from my fellow commuters. I haven’t left my apartment in 5 days because I know he’s out there. When I did go out, I thought he was my barista because they are both the same size and have dark eyes. This, however, is all incidental.

Why I’m writing is that I don’t know what to do about it or how to talk about it. I’ve told a handful of people, and there’s something in that involuntary catch in their throat that really bothers me, so after the day of, I’ve kept it to myself.

Otherwise, I’m baffled. They don’t tell men what to do when this happens, don’t they? If there’s one thing I’ve learned from pop culture, it’s that male sexual assault is hilarious. From “Federal-pound-me-in-the-ass prison” in Office Space, to the knee-slapping image of Ving Rhames getting raped, to drop-the-soap gags in kids movies, male sexual assault is fun for the whole family.

I’m reminded of the time that I got mugged at gunpoint in Jersey City 20 years ago (I was asking for it: I was in Jersey City), and I told one of my loyal friends about it, and he proceeded to be ashamed of me because I didn’t fight back. I haven’t told any of my male friends about what happened, and I’m afraid to because I know that’s how they’re going to respond, if not to my face, then behind my back.

That’s why I wouldn’t call the police: I’m not going to be someone’s break-room joke. I’m not ashamed – it’s not my fault what happened – but I don’t want to be talked about like that. And, frankly, the amount of pressure people have been putting on me to file a report is kind of obnoxious.

I’m working from home, I’m eating, I’m showering, I’m not really sleeping, and I’m trying unsuccessfully to talk myself into going outside. I can’t get a counseling appointment until later this month, but I’m trapped home now. The check-ins from my friends have stopped, but my dread and anger are still here, and the loneliness has been settling in. I was alone on the train, I’m alone because I don’t know who to talk to, and I’m alone as a male survivor of sexual assault. I guess my question is, what do I do? I literally have no idea. I’m sorry, it’s not a very good question, but your input would mean a lot to me.

Sincerely,�It Wasn’t My Fault

DEAR IT WASN’T MY FAULT:Oh man, I am so, so sorry that this happened to you, IWMF. That’s a horrible thing to experience, and I’m glad you do understand that this was something that was done to you, not something that you “allowed” or somehow enabled.

And I’m also sorry that you’re having such a difficult time with this. I do want to say that what you’re experiencing is normal. What you describe – the feeling of isolation, the hypervigilence of looking for your attacker, not being able to bring yourself to leave your home – all sound like the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. A lot of people who’ve been sexually assaulted report similar feelings and experiences afterwards. In a lot of ways, this can feel like the attack hasn’t ended; the attack wasn’t just on your person but on your sense of safety, of control or even just having a sense of agency. I hope that the counselor you’ll be talking to is trauma-informed; this is the sort of thing that can require careful handling.

One thing I think you should realize is that you’re not alone. There are other men who’ve experienced what you have; according to RAINN, 1 in 10 men have been the victims of sexual violence, though that number is likely lower, due to men being understandably reticent to report their assault to the authorities. Brendan Frasier and Terry Crews have both been open and up front about having been sexually assaulted, and… well, as you might imagine, there’re a lot of folks who don’t take them seriously. I mean, Terry Crews is a six foot plus, 250 pound block of muscle stacked on top of even more muscles. Are we supposed to believe that he can be a victim of sexual assault? ��Yes. Yes we are. Just as you were. Because this isn’t about “being manly enough to fight it of”; it’s about being the victim of a violent crime. People who’ve never actually been in a fight will talk all kinds of s--t about how bad ass they’d be if someone stepped to them.

Nobody – except for folks who’ve experienced it – recognize that the inherent reaction to a crisis situation isn’t “fight or flight”, it’s “fight, flight, freeze or fawn“. And the vast majority of people? They’re gonna freeze. Not because they’re weak or cowardly or whatever, but because horrible s--t is happening. Your brain vapor locks because it can’t fully accept that this is really happening; it has to be a f--ked up joke, right? Or a mistake? Meanwhile, the adrenaline dumps into your system and locks your muscles up while your head swims as you hyper-oxygenate your blood through rapid breathing and your heart pounds like a kettle drum – all of  which is incredibly disconcerting when you’ve never experienced anything like it before. And then there’s the fact that, in the moment, you have no idea how bad this could be. It could be just some s--tty person, or they could have an accomplice, they could have a knife or a gun or some other weapon… and while your brain is trying to process everything, your body is stuck in place.

But it’s far easier to blame victims for what’s been done to them, especially men; after all, men are supposed to be big, burly badasses. We’re not supposed to be put in danger, we ARE the danger. If you’re not walking around making other men quake for fear of drawing your ire, are you truly a man, or just a little girl?

These toxic ideas are part of why it’s so hard for men who’ve experienced sexual trauma, violence or abuse to come forward. So much of the supposed ideals that men are expected to adhere to involves dominance and aggression in the maintenance of a “natural” hierarchy; to have violence like this inflicted on you is a “sign” that you’re just “not a real man”. It’s not surprising that some – even many – men react with disdain to victims of violence, especially sexual violence. They want to believe that this is just the natural order of things. They want to believe that this is just weakness, that the victim must either be ok with it or deserved it somehow. Because otherwise… well, they’d have to face the very real possibility that they could be victimized just as easily, that their position in the dominance hierarchy isn’t as assured as they like to think.

Easier, then, to mock victims, than to react with compassion, to offer comfort and help.

Now, I do want to say that some of what you’re seeing in your friends isn’t necessarily mockery or disbelief that you, as a man, could be assaulted. There are times when the immensity or the awfulness of a situation is such that you simply have no idea how to process it. You want to say something, do something, but literally everything that you could think of is absurd in its insufficiency against the magnititude of what your friend, coworker, family member experienced. That catch in the throat may well be the “oh f--k, I don’t know what to do, here” reaction of someone who wants to help but feels powerless to do so.

So the first thing I would say to do is “don’t push your friends away”. I suspect that part of the reason why people have stopped checking in is that you’re very closed off right now – for entirely understandable reasons. You’re hurting, you’re raw, you find it very hard to trust or be vulnerable. At times like these, it can be incredibly hard to accept love or help or care from people, even when you desperately want it. That fear, that very understandable and reasonable fear that people are looking down on you or mocking you behind your back? That’s also going to make it difficult for the people who love and care for you to reach you. Not if you don’t let them in.

I know things are uncomfortable. But if you have friends who you believe you can trust and be vulnerable with, people who have demonstrated through their actions that they’re compassionate and understanding people who love you and care for you? Then sometimes you and they both need to try to push past that discomfort of “what do I do, here? How do I help” and just… be there.

It may be easier for you and for them if you can ask for something or tell them what you need from them, even if it’s just having a warm body in the room with you so you don’t feel isolated. Or they might be able to walk with you and help you get out of the house for a bit. Having someone there with you may make it easier for you to feel more secure, and you’ll have someone there who can help you if it all gets too overwhelming.

You don’t need to tell everyone, and you don’t have to tell folks everything. but if you have folks you can trust… let them help you. I promise, they want to. They just may not know how. If there’s something they can do for you, or that you need from them, then tell them. It’s much better than hoping that they’ll divine what you need, or their hoping that they’ll stumble over the exact right thing to say to you. Sometimes you have to reach out. Especially at times when the words are catching in your throat.

The next thing I would suggest is to call The National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 or chat with one of their trained specialists via their website. They’re trained to listen, to give you the support you need, help you figure out next steps and understand what your options are. It’s free, it’s 100% confidential, and they’re focused on you and your health, safety and sense of security. They’re not going to push you to report it or to talk to anyone you don’t or can’t talk to right now; they’re going to be focused on helping you and what you need.

I think this would be an immensely important next step for you; it’ll help you figure out what to do next, what resources are available to you and how you can access them.

Similarly, I think it would be useful for you to find a support group for victims of sexual violence. Being able to talk this through with other people who understand and realize you’re not alone can be immense. If you can’t go in person, then there may be other options; you may be able to find one that meets via Zoom, for example. The specialists at RAINN may be able to help you find a group in your area that meets your needs.

I also think finding ways to deal with the PTSD you’re experiencing will be important, especially since you can’t see a counselor right away. Some of this will involve managing your stress or breaking cycles of panic. Mild exercise, like yoga or tai chi can be helpful here. The combination of slow, controlled physical motion along with controlling your breath – breathing in slowly, holding it, then exhaling slowly – helps slow your heart rate and forces your body to relax. Having people around is also helpful; isolation can exacerbate PTSD symptoms, especially when you’re feeling tense or unnerved or, worse, having a panic attack. You don’t need to talk to them about what happened; you just want to have them around. We’re pack animals; in times of crisis, having our pack with us is comforting. Their simple presence can make a difference.

There are also some things you can do in the interim. You may want to look at a self-directed cognitive behavioral therapy site like Mood Gym as a way to help sort your feelings and emotions, as well as recognize potential triggers. CBD is especially good at dealing with unwanted and intrusive thoughts. It isn’t going to be a cure, but it may help make things more manageable while you look into your options.

What you don’t want to do is self-medicate. I know it’s going to be tempting to try to drown out the thoughts, feelings or memories with booze or drugs, but they can actually hinder the healing process or make some of the symptoms worse. Depressants, in particular, can make those feelings of loneliness and isolation even more profound and more painful, and alcohol can cause your anger or irritability to spike and lead you to lash out. It’s hard, I know, especially when you can’t sleep or turn off your brain you just want a moment of peace. But this is one of those times when the solution only serves to make things even worse.

And one more thing. I promise that this is the only time I will say this but: at least talk with the counselors at RAINN about the possibility of filing a report with the police. I absolutely understand why you’re hesitant to report your assault. Cops in general have a dire record when it comes to dealing with victims of sexual crimes, and the toxic beliefs about manhood mean that they’ve often not taken male victims seriously.

But one thing that may be worth considering is your (again, understandable) worry about encountering this person again. However, if the police don’t know that a crime’s been committed, they won’t know to look for the guy that did this. Filing a report can help get him off the street, and may mean that you’ll feel like you can breathe a little more easily.

That, however, is just my opinion. This is your call, and I respect your choice on this, which ever way you decide.

I know this is awful, IWMF, and I hope you’ll get the support you need and deserve. You’re not alone.

Write back and let us know how you’re doing.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com