DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I hope you’re having a good holiday season. In fact, that’s why I’m writing to you: I don’t want to ruin the holidays with my issues. So here’s a quick run down of my backstory: my boyfriend (m/25) and I (m/25) have been together for two years, and he’s incredible. We’re very much in love and have a great relationship. However, there’s one significant issue: his parents.

This Christmas, like the last, I’m invited to spend the holiday at his parents’ house. The problem is, I really don’t like his parents. They’re not bad people, and they’ve always been kind to me, but we’re just fundamentally different in many ways – our interests, beliefs, and even sense of humor don’t align. At the risk of sounding snotty or snobbish, they’re not really cultured in the way I am, and they don’t get or understand a lot of the things I enjoy, and so we never quite understand each other. It’s almost like we’re talking two entirely different languages, with different cultural idioms, references and views of the world. It’s not for lack of trying, but there comes a point where even well-meaning and earnest attempts to connect just fizzle out and we’re all left just staring at each other with an increasingly awkward silence. This makes spending time with them exhausting and often uncomfortable for me.

I want to be clear: his parents are lovely people. They had some issues adjusting to learning their son was gay at first but they’ve been the sort of “show-up-at-Pride-parades-with-snacks-for-everyone” supportive types and if they get something wrong, they’re quick to apologize and try to get it right. They seem to genuinely like me and are always excited when I visit. My boyfriend adores his parents and is oblivious to my discomfort and I honestly would prefer to keep it that way because it’s my problem to solve, not his. He’s thrilled about spending Christmas together as a family and all their little traditions and I don’t want to disappoint him or create tension.

I’m torn between my love for my boyfriend and my discomfort around his parents. I want to be supportive and participate in his family traditions, but the thought of spending an extended period with his parents fills me with dread. How do I handle this situation without hurting my boyfriend or damaging our relationship?

Sincerely, Homesick for the Holidays

DEAR HOMESICK FOR THE HOLIDAYS: I’ll be honest, HFTH, I read your letter and I’m picturing Niles Crane trying to get through Christmas in Biloxi, Mississippi and quietly dying because he’s going to dinner at Applebee’s or something. And while admittedly it’s an amusing image, I feel like that might be an apt description of what’s going on here and, thus an entry into the problem. 

In fact, based on your description of the situation, I wonder if this is a sort of city mouse/country mouse situation or awkward Hallmark home-to-the-small-town scenario where the big city boyfriend just can’t grasp the virtues of small town life.

(And TBH, as a dedicated city rat, I always feel my hackles rise a little during those movies. I swear I’m going to write a Christmas movie about someone stuck in the Bronx for Christmas and learning the joys of diverse communities, big-city conveniences and identities based around shared neighborhoods…)

It’s the sort of thing that feels a little like class snobbery, but also a little of the idea that the urban/rural divide is somehow so diametrically opposed to one another – a cultural oil and vinegar, of sorts – that the two can’t really blend without a lot of agitation in the process. And again, it’s a gift for someone trying to come up with a suitably pithy metaphor, but I think it speaks a little to mindset and where the actual problem lies. Not in your boyfriend’s parents so much as in how you see him and where he came from.

I bring this up, in part, because I wonder just how much of an effort you’ve actually made at meeting the parents where they’re at and how much of the barrier you’re feeling is the sort of snobbishness you say you’re trying to avoid. If you’re seeing his family as provincial or less sophisticated or enlightened, I can see a sort of mindset of “well of course my boyfriend can bridge this gap, our superior culture was what he was missing but I’m having to dial myself down to be at their level” coming up. This kind of thinking leads to situations like yours, where you’re physically present and participating but still holding yourself back. A sort of “I’ll do this because I have to, but I know I’m better than this” sort of attitude.

In fact, I see this happen in a lot of relationships in general, where someone will make a half-hearted attempt at participating in something their partner finds important but they find a little distasteful or that’s beneath them in some way. This is less “sharing in my partner’s interests” so much as touching a base (under duress) and doing as little as possible to still get the credit for being involved at all. In times like that, it’s almost better to say “hey, you do your thing with your friends who are also into it and we’ll meet up afterwards.” This way, at least, they don’t have to devote any mental or emotional bandwidth towards worrying that you’re not enjoying things, bringing down the group’s fun or otherwise trying to play cruise director while finding ways to keep you engaged.

However, that approach is a little harder to do during a holiday trip to see the fam. It’s definitely hard to do that without coming across as a little rude or stand-off-ish. So I wonder if, perhaps, even as you go and “participate”, you’re holding yourself back; you’re attending more as an anthropologist observing others from an elevated, outsider’s perspective, rather than someone who’s actually fully involved. This is the sort of thing that a lot of folks think they’re managing to hide, but it comes across in the way they behave. There’s a begrudging sort of “ok, fine“, that bleeds into your body language and overall attitude.

Since it doesn’t sound like you’re being asked to do or tolerate things that would be harmful or unpleasant (say, going to Christmas services in a very homophobic church), I wonder if maybe the issue is that you don’t actually commit and let yourself enjoy them. Is it possible that you’re holding back and approaching these trips with a level of detachment or irony for fear of… I dunno, losing some sense of cultural superiority? Is it possible that the simple sincerity of something you see as being more provincial or what-have-you strikes you as being a bit cringe?

Perhaps, for this Christmas, a gift you could give yourself would be that, instead of avoiding cringe, you cut out the part of yourself that cringes and just try connecting with the sincerity of it. Instead of thinking of your boyfriend’s family traditions as being less cultured, less sophisticated or whatever, you try letting go and just trying to enjoy it for what it is. If it helps, think of it as inhabiting a role; at first, you’re going through the motions, but as you relax into it, you may find that you enjoy it more if you don’t have your guard up.

The same goes with connecting with his parents. It sounds like they’ve been making an effort to reach out to you; perhaps it’s time to return the favor and try to reach out and try to appreciate things from their side of the divide. You may even find that it’s a little easier to start before you go, where it’s a little easier to explore their cultural milieu, knowing that your comfort zone is within easy reach.   

Failing that, perhaps the way to get more comfortable is to connect with the way it brings your boyfriend joy. It may not be your favorite flavor of eggnog, but it’s his and if you can zero in on that and the joy of seeing him come to life with all the cheese and tinsel-covered glintz and gingerbread. You might even be able to find aspects of it that are more refined or complex than you’d previously expected.

The big thing to hang onto is that while you may not necessarily dig his family or their traditions, you can at least respect them and be a full participant. Even if you’re not having the bestest of the best times, is this something that you can manage for him, at least occasionally? Perhaps a compromise here would be, as is with so many couples, to alternate years – even years you visit his family for the holidays, odd ones you visit yours… or even have years where you bring the families to you. You might even be able to share (or start) some traditions of your own with his family… even if it’s just annual viewings of The Hogfather or Anna And The Apocalypse.

But, at the very least, give it an honest shot at letting your guard down and just trying to lean into the spirit of the thing. If you give it a couple of sincere attempts and it just doesn’t work, you can focus on the “at least respect it if you can’t enjoy it” aspect, if only for your boyfriend’s sake.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m writing you because I’m in a situation that I never really imagined I’d be in. To give you some background, I’m like a lot of the men that write to you; I’m a younger 20-something guy who has been awkward all his life and has had zero success in love. It was too the point that I would rather stay up all night trying to figure out what was wrong with me than sleep. I should be an incel, I guess I am in a literal sense of the term (involuntarily celibate), but I just don’t have the anger in me to blame everyone else, even if it’s almost relieving to do so.

Fast forward to today and I’m nearly a completely different person. I’m relatively successful for my age, I just moved to a new city with someone who’s helped me grow a lot, and I’m definitely a bit more confident than I was, to the point that I could approach women if I wanted to. But there’s still a little bit of the old me, the part that can’t watch or read certain things because it triggers a sense of inadequacy. Deep inside I’m just still inadequate as a man.

But that aside, I’ve found that I have a problem that I never imagined I could have. Instead of feeling suicidal because no one could ever love me like so many men my age, instead I find myself having trouble finding someone I could love (a problem that I don’t think many men my age experience), and I just feel a sort of deep unease over it.

I downloaded all of the major dating apps, threw my best photos on there, and I even got some traction. That’s something I never would have been able to do just a year ago. I even go outside regularly. But I just can’t see myself ever meeting someone I can love. Someone who makes me feel indescribable feelings, or at least feelings that my rudimentary vocabulary can’t properly convey.

I did everything right. Worked on myself, just like the internet told me to. I got a great job, I’m physically active, I’m not awful looking, I have a distinct personality. And I even kind of did it for myself instead of just doing it to attract women, just like the internet told me too.

To summarize my question; What can I do when I just can’t find anyone who I can love? I don’t feel like my standards are too high, I’m not looking for anyone more attractive, more intelligent, more financially or professionally successful, or just more interesting than I am. I’m very much going with the flow, but the flow appears to have taken a left turn that I don’t know how to deal with.

Thank you for your time,

Sad-Reddit-Dwelling-Virgin-Loser no. 1235500

DEAR SAD REDDIT DWELLER: First of all, let’s not zoom past your progress, man. You’ve moved, you’ve grown, you’re in a new place and you’re doing things you never imagined that you were capable of. That’s really goddamn impressive, and I think you need to take a moment and give yourself some applause for what you’ve accomplished.

That’s going to be important in a second.

Now having said that, let’s define terms here, SRD. What exactly is it that you feel like you’re lacking? Is it that you’re not meeting people? Is it that the people you’re meeting aren’t clicking? Are you’re looking around and not feeling your heart leap out of your chest when you see people? Or is it that you’re seeing people you find attractive, but you aren’t allowing yourself to feel for them, because you’re afraid that they won’t return your feelings or that they’ll eventually just abandon you?

If I’m being honest, I think it’s the latter. It’s not that you’re not meeting people, or that you aren’t meeting people you’re compatible with or could be with. It’s that you don’t feel like you are “worthy” of love. You drop a lot of words like “inadequate” or “loser” and “I just can’t see myself ever meeting someone I can love“

I mean… not to put to fine a point on it but there’s your problem. It’s not that you can’t find someone to love. It’s that you can’t see someone loving you. That’s decidedly a case of having unreasonable standards… not for other people, but for yourself.

You spend a lot of time kicking yourself in the nuts in your letter, my dude, and honestly, that’s where things are going wrong for you. You’ve built up this idea that all the work you’ve done and all the progress you’ve made doesn’t mean anything. You’re still “inadequate”. Which, ok, sure, those feelings are real. But what does “inadequate” even mean? You don’t say what it is that you think you’re lacking. And honestly, that part matters because… well, in some ways, it’s the missing piece, yeah? Without the thing, that je ne se quoi or secret sauce you apparently lack, you don’t feel worthy. You don’t feel like people could love you.

But this gets right back to that Ru Paul quote. How are people supposed to love you when you don’t love yourself? Not because not loving yourself means you aren’t worthy of being love, but because you don’t feel like you can accept that other people might love you.

It’s really easy to mistake this feeling for not being able to find someone to love because you aren’t allowing yourself to be open to the possibility that it could happen. You’re putting up a wall that keeps people out. It’s understandable; you’re worried about being hurt. You feel like letting yourself feel hope or attraction to others is just an invitation to rejection. But people can’t love you if you don’t let them in. If you aren’t willing to believe in your own worth, your own value… well, why would you believe other people could?

Now, again: you don’t say what you think those inadequacies are. And I’m gonna be real with you: I’ve been doing this job for a long damn time now, and folks tend to have a wildly exaggerated idea of what they need to be “deserving” of love or to be “adequate”. So I’m going to suggest that maybe, just maybe, you’ve gotten in the habit of kicking yourself for so long that you’re almost afraid to stop. Like, what happens if you recognize that you didn’t need to beat yourself up so much?

Spoiler alert: you end up being a lot happier.

With all that being said, I do want to mention that the aforementioned Ru Paul quote gets some pushback from folks who, rightly, point out that loving yourself isn’t a prerequisite to being loveable or being deserving of love. And to be sure, sometimes learning to love yourself is also the process of learning to undo a lot of damage and lessons learned and to change your relationship to a lot of things you may see as truths. So it may help to see this in terms of “learn to accept yourself”, rather than to love yourself, and recognize that being “worthy” of love isn’t really a thing. Love doesn’t only come when you’re “worthy”. Love comes with being able to accept it from others.

You’ve done a great job with all the progress you’ve made so far. Now would be a good time to start putting that same effort, that same diligence and that same emotional fortitude into learning to accept yourself and accept that other people could love you… and to allow yourself to feel it in return.

Will this be easy? Probably not. You may well need to talk to a counselor or therapist to unpick some self-limiting beliefs that are holding you back. But as the wise man once said: nobody said it would be easy, just that it would be worth it.

(…that was me. I’m  the wise man who said that.)

You’ve made a lot of progress my dude. Don’t let it all be for not. Shift your focus and keep at it, and you’ll be much happier overall. And when you do find someone who is your particular flavor…

Well, you’ll be ready for them.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I'm 34, never had a girlfriend, don't really work or even have a post secondary education. I have been on two dates with the same women in 2010 which was basically two free dinners for her and teasing me that was just cruel in hindsight. No friends and only family died in 07. I gave up on dating at 23. I still have illusions of 3 kids and a wife. Incel could be a correct term.

The last time I had sex was 2014 with a escort that turned out to be a hooker with drug ravaged face and teeth. I believe I have antisocial personality disorder which combined with ADHD is my mental scapegoat excuse. I yearn for companionship yet haven't spoken to a women in any form including: text, apps, social media, since 2019. I wonder if accepting perpetual solitude is just a hard reality.

With no experience, I have multi decade arrested development. How can I possibly be any sort of a draw to the fairer sex?

Alone For The Holidays

DEAR ALONE FOR THE HOLIDAYS: You know, I get a lot of questions like yours, AFTH; in fact, I've got several of them sitting in the question bucket as we speak. All of them – like you – focus on their lack of experience or dates or relationships, and dwell on their supposed faults.

And every single one of them are convinced that their past means they have no future, and treat being Forever Alone as being the price of their continued existence.

But since this is going up a couple days before Christmas, I want to draw your attention to a particular story that's popular right about now... someone who's life is dull, lonely and empty, and has been for a very long time... even if they can't quite bring themselves to admit it.

And yes, I'm talking about Ebeneezer Scrooge. Yes, I'm going to just lean into the cringe and use A Christmas Carol as a metaphor. Because the whole point of A Christmas Carol isn't that Scrooge was a bad person who needed to be scared into rediscovering the meaning of Christmas. The point of the entire story, to my mind, comes down to this one line:

“It’s Christmas Day!” said Scrooge to himself. “I haven ‘t missed it."

Scrooge spent a lifetime isolating himself, alienating himself from his family, from friends and lovers. He deliberately chose a life of solitude and loneliness for decades. But in the span of a night, he decides to turn everything around and change his life.

"I haven't missed it".

There's nobody telling him that it's too late, that he's doomed himself to die alone and unloved. Nobody is telling him that he can't change, that his past has determined his future for all time. Nobody is saying "you missed your chance and now nobody will ever care for you." What he realizes is very simple:

"I haven't missed it".

The whole point is that change is possible, that redemption is possible and that even someone who spent their life trying to justify their own misery by externalizing it to others can change, even late in life. His joy and love and relationships aren't lessened by the fact that he came to them so late in the game. Nobody is saying that since he missed out on so much, he can't have anything good in the time he has left. They just say "We're so glad you're here." "We're so happy to see you." "We've been waiting for you and we welcome you home."

You've had a long, hard past. But none of that means that your future's been carved in stone. You can turn things around and make things different, if that's truly what you want.

Just as Scrooge had his chance to change his story, you are going to change the story you're telling of your life.

Now where things differ is that it's a lot easier when you're fictional and you have supernatural forces interceding on your behalf. You're not a character from a book, you're a flesh and blood person, and that means that changing things won't happen instantaneously. But again: the point isn't to turn things around in one night and reap the rewards. The point is very simple:

"I haven't missed it".

So here's how you can have your own holiday miracle: you declare your past to be just that: your past. It's not the thing that dictates your future, it's the challenge that you rise to meet and overcome. Today isn't the beginning of the end of your story, it's the peak of your second act, when the protagonist (you) is at his lowest. It's the point where he rallies his strength and determination and finally rises to the occasion.

And if you know stories, then you know that this is never easy. You've got obstacles to overcome, trials to endure, tests to face. But part of what the protagonist needs to do is to focus his will and determination and do the things that need to be done. He learns. He trains. He improves. He endures.

This is where you are. You are now at the point of your own personal training montage; you're going to start taking up the challenge of making things better.

The first step is to get to a therapist. You say that you think you have antisocial personality disorder and ADHD. That's certainly a distinct possibility, so find out for sure. If you're right, then getting diagnosed means that you can actually address them, get treatment and therapy that will help mitigate things and get it all under control. If you're wrong, then at least you'll know. Maybe you're dealing with something else entirely, or maybe this really is just an excuse you've been using. Either way, having that knowledge will inform what you need to do next.

Similarly, talking to a therapist will help you process the shame and hopelessness you feel, help get your mind and emotions into good working order, and get yourself into emotional shape. That improvement will make it easier for you to work on your social skills, get you to a place where you can enforce your boundaries and build a better life for yourself. It'll make it easier for you to build new connections, find new friends, even family. Family don't end in blood after all, and sometimes the family you choose (and who chooses you) is stronger and more important than the family you had before.

Now, like Scrooge, this is going to require that you acknowledge that the past happened. A big reason why a lot of people in your situation feel stuck is that they ultimately want a redo of the past. They want the past to unhappen, so they can go back to who they could have been. That, unfortunately, is the province of fiction. Your past is your past, and there's no "making up for lost time". What there is, instead, is looking to the future and resolving to make the most of it, to not waste it by constantly looking backwards. You can acknowledge your past, and the choices and forces that shaped it, but you can't erase it. But your past informs your future, it doesn't dictate it. You can look at your past and acknowledge that you made mistakes or struggled against things you couldn't overcome and forgive yourself for doing the best you could with what you knew and what you had. Now you know differently. You have resources and knowledge you didn't have then. You have experience that tells you what you did that lead you to here and that experience means you can make new, better choices.

So while your past dreams may change with your present and your new future, that's not a bad thing. That's just acknowledging that things have changed. That you have changed. Our dreams should change with us; the dreams we had as younger men aren't always the ones we truly want or need. Yes, the life you have in the future may not be the one you dreamed of back in your bad old days... but that doesn't mean that your new life will be lesser for it. It will just be different, because you will no longer be the person you were. You will be the person you mean to become, and his needs and wants will be different. And that's OK. That's good. You'll discover that there are other things that you long for and work towards, other dreams and other goals. That's all to the good.

Because the most important thing that you need to remember is this:

It's not too late. You haven't missed it. You can still build an incredible, satisfying and fulfilling life, full of warmth, caring and companionship. You just have to start.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com