DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your blogs and watching your videos for a few months now, and would like your input on something. So, I’m a guy who struggles with vulnerability and opening up.

Yeah, I know. Super original. Right up there with Villains Wear Black and Elf with a Bow.

My social skills are the weirdest stat array I’ve encountered. I do pretty well in group settings with people I’m familiar with. Parties with friends, Dn\&D sessions, gaming online with buddies, family events, Socratic seminars (back in school). I’m also resident meme lord in my active friend groups. Hell, I can even handle public speaking.

Part of this is the structure. In these contexts, I can partake in the conversation as needed. I can go in, say what I want, and pull back when done. Others pick up, and it flows on. For public speaking, I don’t have to zero in on one person, and the audience’s responses are generally nonverbal. And either way, these scenarios give me time to think of what to say (even a few seconds counts big time).

However, I have trouble with one-on-one conversations. And individual small talk is tricky at my current level.

Even with family and trusted friends, I naturally close up when it’s just me and someone else. It’s always awkward, and nothing naturally comes to me. I use the bare minimum on my end to keep the conversation going, mostly listening. It takes way more mental effort than the things I’m good at, to read the other person, try to interpret their statements, then ready a response in good time. I either say very little, or I ramble with more tangents than a geometry textbook.

It’s bizarre that I can give a public speech but struggle with a five-minute conversation. Most people have at least one of those parts flipped.

This carries over to groups I’m unfamiliar with. I generally don’t like being in crowds, for instance. In both these adverse situations, my guard is always up, and I haven’t yet cracked how to get it down.

Naturally, my dating life needs a little help. And by “a little help,” I mean a defibrillator.

This isn’t for lack of trying; I have been engaging more with others individually, but the results are the same. The “keep practicing ’til you git gud noob” approach hasn’t helped; at least, not on its own. Social skills can of course be developed, but knowing what you’re doing wrong in social settings is one such skill. Being underdeveloped with it can stall the growth of the others.

So much easier to identify and learn from mistakes in things like games. “Oh, we weren’t watching our flank, and that’s why they were able to sneak around and delete us faster than a homophobic pastor’s browsing history.”

Thing is, it’s not necessarily a fear of what others think, as much as having an off-course natural response. I’m also not going to pretend to know what’s going on in other people’s heads. Is the cute new hire glancing toward me because she likes what she sees, or do I just happen to be in line of sight? No clue, and assumption is the fastest path to nowhere.

Cold approaches are off the table for the time being, warm ones not faring much better. Example: few months ago, I had two events with friends. A woman there, a mutual connection I’d met a couple times before, was there for both. I started to like her, but any time I talked with her individually, the same thing kept happening.

(Shocker, she got a boyfriend a month afterward. I’ve already moved on, and I’m happy for her.)

Thing is, I’m mostly good in life. Doing better in my health and career. I have great friends who don’t encourage or enable negative mindsets. Hell, I even have affordable housing (which may not sound like much, but I’m a Millennial).

I’m not horrendously ugly, either. If I posted a swimsuit photo, I’d probably get a lot of compliments.

…about how brave I am.

In any case, here’s where I’m at now, and I’d like to learn how to open up more.

(I can feel a “The problem you think you’re having isn’t the problem you’re actually having” looming behind me. Like Mike Myers Cat in the Hat with the baseball bat. The f--k was up with that movie anyway?)

Please and thank you,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Meme Lord

DEAR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD MEME LORD: It’s not surprising that you have no problem with public speaking. Public speaking is broadcasting. It’s one-way. You’re not interacting with people, you’re projecting your message. It’s ultimately just you saying something and you’re done without the expectation of feedback or a reply.

Moreover, you know exactly what the topic is and what you’re going to say. Even if you’re just improvising or winging it, you’re almost always working from some sort of guidelines – a subject and bullet points you want to hit. And if you do a Q&A after, you can reasonably expect that the questions will be about the content of what you just said, which means that you don’t need to worry too much about what you’re going to say next.

It is, in a lot of ways, like bowling with bumpers in the gutters. You’re not guaranteeing a strike every time, but you also have the confidence of knowing you’re not going to whiff it entirely.

When you’re using the voice chat in online games, you’re not catching up with your friends, you’re strategizing, plotting, executing. When you’re playing D&D, I imagine you’re spending more time getting ready to handle puzzles or combat encounters and less time role-playing, or treating interacting with the NPCs like solving a problem. That, again, is more broadcasting.

Even when you talk about being in group settings, you’re broadcasting. When someone’s holding court – or “saying what I had to say and get out” in your case – you’re operating like a radio. It’s one-way only; you said your thing and now other people are going to jump in and say theirs.

You’ve gotten used to the broadcasting model. And it’s not really a surprise. It’s safe. It’s pre-set. You have a guide rails to show you where to go and to keep you from veering wildly off course.

Small talk isn’t broadcasting. Small talk is interacting. There are no guide rails; there’s a path that is vaguely demarcated but with lots of little areas that may or may not be trails branching off in different directions. You are working without a net, without a compass and only a relatively vague map that leaves a lot of stuff under “here there be Discourse”. 

And that’s where things are tripping you up. You aren’t used to working without defined parameters, a path that says “You’re going here, expecting this, hitting these points”. Conversations go in any number of places, veer into all sorts of alleys and dead ends and unexpected directions. It probably seems really easy to get lost.

But as the saying goes: not all those who wander are lost.

Now, based on a few things you’ve said, I’m going to guess you’re a critical-path-er. That is: you like finding the fastest, surest route to the end goal. You’re trying to read intentions, guess what’s on people’s minds and get to whatever needs doing or to be done ASAP.

But that’s not how people work, and that’s definitely not how small talk works. Small talk is about not knowing; you’re using small talk to get to know somebody, even if it’s just catching up on what they’ve been up to lately. And if you’re busy trying to read meaning or intent when you’re making small talk… well, yeah, you’re going to be having problems. This is where you end up being the person who’s not listening, so much as waiting for their turn to talk.

The problem you’re having… wait for it…

…is that you’re getting lost in your own head.

(Had you going, didn’t I? Well, that’s conversation for you; you don’t always know where it’s going to go.)

You’re spending way too much time trying to analyze things instead of actually being in the moment. You’re critical-pathing and broadcasting and the disconnect between what you’re comfortable with and what you’re attempting to do is getting your wires crossed.

Case in point: you say it’s taking too much effort to try to read the person and infer meaning in what they’re saying. What if – and hear me out – you stopped doing that and just… took what they say at face value? Yeah, I know, there’s all sorts of s--t about trying to figure out the “real” meaning or parsing things from tone or treating every conversation like a pair of courtiers trying to out intrigue one another but honestly? Nine times out of ten, what people are saying is just that: what they’re saying. They may not always be the best at communicating, but more often than not, you can take what folks say as being exactly what it seems. Nobody’s laying traps for you and the ones who are tend to be either glaringly obvious about it or aren’t acting in good faith anyway, so f--k ’em.

The fact of the matter is that a lot of folks over-analyze and overthink and exhaust themselves trying to squeeze every possible angle and nuance out of every sentence. But the vast majority of people you’re going to deal with are going to be very surface level. Digging for nuance and hidden meaning is only going to get in the way, because you’ll be digging for things that really aren’t there. And as a result, you’ll be expending way more brainpower and using up more bandwidth than you need, at best. At worst… well, then you start seeing things that aren’t there.

Most of the time though? The way you figure out what people are saying or meaning or thinking is to just… listen. Does that new hire think you’re cute? Well, if you just chat with her, you’ll figure out pretty quickly if it really was that you were just in her eye line… or if she’s interested in more.

Similarly, you don’t need to think of the exact right thing to say. Perfection is both overrated and unnecessary. The C or B rank answer is going to be more than sufficient than going for the S ranking you seem to think you need. When you’re talking with people, whether family, friends or potential lovers, they aren’t expecting Voltaire. They’re just expecting you. And if things get a bit rambly or go off in unexpected directions… well, sometimes that happens.

Now if you’ve been reading my column, then presumably you’ve seen what I’ve written about how to be someone people like to talk to and how to strike up conversations with anyone. These will teach you the vast majority of what you need, which is ultimately: listen more than you talk, relate to what they say, and use their answers as spring boards for new questions.

But one thing you should keep in mind is that you don’t need to be Johnny-on-the-spot with a reply. Instead, just take a moment. Maybe nod thoughtfully and make a “hmm” sound. You don’t need to fill the air with constant chatter like verbal flack because you’re afraid of silence.

In fact,  being quiet for a moment before you reply is frequently a good thing. It conveys the sense that you’re actually putting some thought into what they had to say, giving it some real consideration instead of – again – just waiting for your turn to talk. The fact that you’re really thinking about what they have to say is incredibly appealing; most of the time, people don’t really care what we think. When someone takes our opinions or our stories seriously and wants to know more instead of immediately just using it as a chance to talk about themselves? Well that feels incredible. 

Especially to women. Ask any woman how often folks want to know what they actually think or what they have to say, and how much it hits when someone legitimately wants to hear more and gives it real consideration.

But what about weird tangents or going off topic? Well, most of the time, that’s just conversation. What you start off talking about isn’t always what you finish on. However, you know how you handle tangents or weird diversions? You use a transition. “Wow, that’s amazing. That actually reminds me…” or “You know, funny thing…” Transitional phrases bridge the gap between what you started talking about and what you’re talking about now. Is it truly connected to the original topic? Probably not. Will anyone notice or even care? Not really. Most people know that conversations are winding, rambly things. It’s part of human nature, and we cut conversational threads all the time and jump to new ones without even noticing the change.

So my suggestion is that you get out of your head and be more in the moment. If you really struggle with being present instead of constantly thinking about what you’re going to say next, then I’d suggest finding some improvisation lessons. The key to successful improv isn’t to try to be witty or clever; in fact, those only get in your way. The key to improv is to be present and in the moment, to react to what others are saying and doing and to build on it instead of trying to overshadow them or have the right zinger or the best bon mot. And it definitely

Spend a little less time broadcasting and a little more time being in the moment and exchanging, and I think you’ll find that it comes much easier, and gets you better results. The less you feel like you have to force things down a certain path, the more you’ll be able to relax and just enjoy the journey instead of trying to get to the end.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your column for quite a while and it’s been helping me out alot lately but if feels like I just ran into a brick wall regarding my progress.

I’m a Cis dude, an older virgin (another mark of shame that’ll come up later) in his mid 20s who’s pretty much struggled with their weight and body image since my teen years. I can still remember the jokes and comments made about me like “your Chinese Zodiac is the pig cus you look like one” and I’ve been working out a lot and eating a lot healthier to, well ,admittedly look good over my actual health and well being. It’s really aesthetics over health. I don’t take steroids btw.

To give you some context on my body type is like imagine if William Butcher from the Boys and Thor from God of War Ragnarok had a love child and was  recruited into the Space Wolves Astartes chapter. IE wide chested, big belly and hairy af.

But something that just hit me like like a ton of bricks was well turns out my body type isn’t even the most desirable among women. These it’s all about Harry Styles, Timothée Chalamet and any KPop group. It’s all about androgynous, soft beautiful men that is considered desirable. A look that is literally impossible for me to achieve no matter how much diet and exercise I do. People like me are considered terrifying or even dangerous just by merely looking at us. I know it’s not just about looks because what makes Styles and Chalamet desirable is their soft, vulnerable personalities which is admittedly hot when they do it but someone like me it can range from looking creepy too uncomfortable to outright pathetic worthy of mockery and ridicule. Not matter how many times I shave or shower or practice my slime in the mirror I’ll never have that kind of je ne sais quoi that makes someone like Chalamet so desirable. 

On top of that I’m an older virgin and let’s just say the common opinions on older male virgins isn’t the most positive ranging from pathetic to outright dangerous. I just find the idea of someone being understanding, compassionate and non judgmental over my virginity just ridiculous. Which admittedly is why I’ve been casually bad mouthing other older virgins referring to them as “man children”, “pig men”, “incels” and “lost causes” just to distance myself from the male virgin stigma.

So what do I do not feel this inadequate in myself? Please anything helps.

Sincerely,

Just Hit a Brick Wall

DEAR JUST HIT A BRICK WALL: Well I see it’s that time again, when we talk about the idea that women only like one kind of body – an evergreen topic that ultimately only varies in which body men need to have to date.

Which, honestly, you’d think would be something of a clue that this is all about self-limiting beliefs and insecurities, not some sort of biblical truth. When half of the Only One Type crowd is insisting that you have to look like a Marvel Chris and the other half are saying you need to be as thin and spritely as a forest nymph… well, you’d think that might be something of a clue that neither side knows what the hell they’re talking about.

Meanwhile, women are talking about the depraved things they’d let Matt Berry do to them, licking frosting off Paul Hollywood or how Winston Duke could break them into itty bitty, squishy pieces.

This is one of those times where, once again, I would like to know where you’re getting your information, JHBW, because I’m going to put down some actual money that you didn’t conduct a scientific survey. Or even a poll on Twitter. I’m going to bet further that your sources come down to one of four options.

1. Reddit, redpill and incel forums

2. TikTok

3. “Dude, trust me”

4. All of the above, as long as the answer feels like a kick to the nuts of your soul.

Because that’s ultimately what this is about. This isn’t about what women want or don’t want. This is about pain. It’s the pain you’re feeling about not “measuring up” by being a virgin and explaining that pain in ways that actually just hurt more.  Because ultimately, this is about you punishing yourself for not being a “real man” – that is, being for having not lost your virginity when you were “supposed to”.

I mean, the idea that men “have” to look a certain way is kind of absurd on its face. Leaving aside that the supposed “ideal” body type for men and women has varied over the years and has far more to do with class, wealth and status than any inherent “evolutionary pressure”, there’s the fact that if we were to believe that women only wanted X… well, the human race would’ve died out centuries ago.

Even today, the idea that you have to look a certain way is obviously false on its face. Consider that, for example, nearly 41% of adults are obese according to the CDC – a little bit less (39.8%) amongst adults 20 – 39 years old and a little more (44.3%) among 40-59 year olds. Yet somehow people your age, that same cohort of 20-39 year olds, are still meeting and mating, falling in love and dating. The percentage of people who have Timothée Chalamee’s body, or Harry Stiles’ or any random KPop star is… single digits.

And part of that is because the vast majority of people just don’t look like that – or like Zac Effron or Michael B. Jordan or, s--t, like Kumail Nanjiani getting Marvel-ripped for that matter – if they aren’t either paying through the nose or being paid to look like that. 

Consider further that the average KPop star’s body part of an aesthetic and image that is as carefully crafted and maintained as any Marvel actor’s. They’re expected to fit a very specific, very particular brand, and – like every other aspect of their lives – that brand is rigorously managed by their agency. That is: they look the way they do and have the bodies that they do because they’re required to and their diet, exercise and lifestyle is entirely under other people’s control. They have people who map out their entire day – days that include regular and extended cardio in the form of dance practice and rehearsal.

So yes, even if you’re one of the people who’s gifted with a slight frame and the metabolism of a weasel on crank, you’re not going to look like a celebrity on screen. You might look like one of the candid photos of them when they’re between projects – you know, the ones where folks mock them for not having the dehydrated abs they have for three days while filming – but you’re not going to look like someone with an army of nutritionists, fitness coaches, no small amount of drugs, a makeup artist and carefully planned lighting.

Which sounds like a great reason to beat yourself up, really. How dare you not be exactly the same as one of the 1% of the 1%? How dare you show your face in decent company if you don’t look exactly like someone who’s entire career is built around looking a certain way – a way, I might add, that makes them miserable?

Because that’s basically what you’re doing. You’re weaponizing your anger at yourself for not measuring up for an utterly arbitrary and quite literally impossible standard that’s ultimately not being demanded of anyone but, well… you.

This isn’t just about their bodies though. It’s their personalities too; you’re beating yourself up because you’re not able to be “soft” or “vulnerable” and… well, says who? Never mind whether that’s the only personality type women want (it’s not), but who says that you can’t be soft or vulnerable because you are built like the literal Strongest Man In The World? Barrel chest, big belly… yeah, that sounds like The goddamn Mountain to me. But you know what’s kind of significant? Just how gentle and soft Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson can be. Look up pictures of him posing with his Pomeranian, being an absolutely besotted dog daddy.Then show them to some of the women in your life and watch as the ambient humidity of the room starts to increase dramatically. Watch the times when Dave Bautista is being sweet and nurturing or vulnerable and how people respond to it. If anything, the combination of physical strength and softness and vulnerability is what gives so many women (and many men) screaming thigh-sweats.

And all of this is before we get to that last paragraph of your letter, where you talk about mocking other people, in part because you can’t imagine other folks being kind and compassionate about your being an older virgin. You’re externalizing your pain in a very “I’ve got bad feelings and I’m going to make them everyone’s problem” sort of way.

Well, how’s that working out for you? Has it actually made you feel better? Has it improved your life in any meaningful way by mocking or insulting people for the very thing that bothers you? Does it give you even a moment’s of peace? Or is the only thing you get out of this the very slight satisfaction of thinking that at least you made someone else unhappy? And how long does that last before the darkness creeps back in and the voice in your head continues to tell you how unloveable and unf--kable you are?

I’m going to go ahead and lay my money down that the answers are “not at all” and “as soon as I hit ‘send'”.

So unless you decided that the best way to break this cycle for yourself is to perpetuate malignant stereotypes older virgins – and again, how’s that working out for you? – perhaps it’s time to take a different approach. Y’know, seeing as how you asked how you can stop feeling this way.

Now, normally, when I get these letters, I tell people that part of the process of changing how you see yourself is to change how you talk about yourself. As weird, sad and woo as it sounds, positive self-talk makes a huge difference in your self-image, in your emotional resilience and your overall outlook. I recommend that they dress in ways that make them feel like a sexy motherf--ker, to compliment themselves while looking in the mirror and to find things that both bring them joy and make them stand out. And of course, I tell them to get the f--k off the sites, forums and videos that they’re using to self-harm.

But in this case, I want to do things a little bit different. If you’ve read my column for a while, then you already know this, or at least you should. So instead, I want to zero back in on how you perpetuate the same stereotypes that hurt you so much. You say that you can’t imagine someone being compassionate and non-judgemental about your being an older virgin? Well it’s time to change that. 

It’s time for you to be the person who you think doesn’t exist. I want you to start practicing some serious compassion and acceptance and embracing being non-judgmental. But not for yourself. I want you to practice this for other people. I want you to start being the person who says “Hey, being a virgin doesn’t say anything about you other than you haven’t had this experience yet” to the people in the same predicament as you. I want you to start telling people that their worth or value as individuals has nothing to do with how many people they have or haven’t slept with and that the folks who are the loudest about shaming people for being virgins are pushing bulls--t ideas because they need other people to buy into it. I want you to tell people that they’re awesome, that they’re looking good today, that your sexual history or lack thereof is nothing but a data point.

I want you to start sincerely working towards being someone that friends and acquaintances can come to and say “hey, I feel bad because I’m a virgin” and know that they will be received with understanding and support. Support that doesn’t just focus on “ok, so here’s how you get laid ASAP”.

I want you to put compassion and empathy into the world at a greater rate than the misery and pain you’ve perpetuated. If you find those stereotypes and assumptions hurtful – and considering how much they’re f--king with your self-perception, I’d say it hurts you quite a bit – then it’s time for you to be one of the voices that break that cycle. Not because it’ll get you laid, but because it’s the right thing to do. As the man once said: you gotta be one of the good guys, ’cause there’s way too many of the bad.”

Oh, and one more thing. Besides the advice I’ve given to other men who’ve convinced themselves that women would never love them because they’re not some platonic ideal, I would suggest that you watch Thought Slime’s video “Can I Learn To Love My Body?” I’m not gonna lie, it’s a rough watch. They get very raw and honest about how they feel and how they are their own worst enemy and their struggles with their weight. But for all that, I think it’s going to be vital watching, because I suspect you’re going to see a lot of yourself in this and a lot of the same hurt and pain that Thought Slime expresses is going to be very familiar to you.

Why should you watch this? Because I think not only does it demolish a lot of the supposed “arguments” that your jerkbrain whispers in your ear, but I think seeing just how much other folks are hurting in such real, raw ways will help you realize what you’ve been doing to yourself and, importantly, the way you’ve been spreading that pain to others. And how none of it helps. It doesn’t make you feel better, it doesn’t make the world a better place and it doesn’t change anything. It just means more people are miserable, a net negative for everyone.

Breaking the cycle of hate and pain and hurting others because you’re hurt needs to change. It needs someone to say “Enough.” It needs someone to say “I’m going to be the person I needed in my darkest hour, and I’m going to be that person for others.”

Create some compassion and understanding for others, and you’ll be amazed at how it manages to help build some for yourself. And you need that right now. Just as much as the others do.

Someone’s got to get that ball rolling. It may as well be you. And if it helps you learn to love yourself and to love your body, no matter what shape you’re in? Well, that’s going to be a hell of a gift to you too, isn’t it?

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m sorry to bother you and you may have gotten this question a thousand times. But I am very curious as to why my husband leaves the house with a sex toy (a penis ring) in his pocket? Should I be concerned? Sometimes he leaves for a short period and other times he’s gone for awhile at his mom’s house (when no one is there).

Today (for example) he was on his way out the door to take our daughter to school real quick (dropped his toy on the ground, picked it up and proceeded to leave) he then lied about forgetting to drop a box off at his mom’s (he had been there since dropping our daughter off) then proceeded to tell me he stopped there to take a dump but was really on the computer and was gone for a couple of hours.

Should I be concerned or am I over reacting? He’s been acting strange and we just got back together after starting the process of going through a divorce because I left him. After coming back, I had found tons of dating profiles all over the internet and tons of women (pornstars included) numbers and messages not to mention sexual pictures shared between them and he dated one girl for a couple of weeks.

I’m sorry I may be blowing this all out of proportion but I need some help and some insight.

Thank you for your time and sorry to bother you.

Overreacting Over Rings?

DEAR OVERREACTING OVER RINGS:

Hoo boy.

Right, so off the bat, I’m going to reiterate my point about fake letters: yes, sometimes folks will write bogus letters into advice columns in hopes of sneaking something in and fooling the columnist. Frankly, I don’t worry about it too much; most letters are ultimately fake or theoretical to everyone but the person asking for the advice, and even a patently bulls--t story can have value for others. So if a letter has something that other people can learn from, then the fact that it was a creative writing exercise instead of a legitimate ask is ultimately an academic matter to me.

Now with that being said: OOR, if you’ve read my column for a while, you know I’m loathe to say definitively that someone’s cheating, and that a lot of suspicious behavior tends to have a perfectly normal reason for it.

Well congratulations, you’re one of the rare exceptions. There is absolutely hinky s--t going on here. I can count the number of legitimate reasons why somebody would be carrying a c--k ring in their pocket on the fingers of one hand, with spares left over. And unless your husband is a urologist or sex educator or traveling sex-toy salesman… well, we’re basically down to “dude be f--kin’.”

I wish you had shared more details, like how long the two of you were separated, because that would at least supply some context to things like the number of dating profiles, sexts and dates. If it was a long separation or a particularly bitter one before you two got back together, then his being on dating apps again would make sense. You left him, you were going through divorce proceedings, he’s following the path of “get over your ex by getting under someone else”.

But if you two were only separated for a couple of months… well, I’d be wondering if he had a foot out the door already. Or just how old some of those messages were.

Now I don’t know what exactly’s going through his head. Maybe he’s not fully reinvested in your marriage after that near miss of the divorce. Maybe he’s pretty sure that this is just the eye of the hurricane and the divorce is still going to happen.

Or maybe he’s checked the f--k out and doesn’t really care. The fact that he can’t be bothered to, y’know, not carry an ED ring around when going out and about is certainly a sign that he’s not terribly worried about being caught, especially with the number of times he just heads out for hours with no word as to what he’s doing. That’s a level of carelessness that suggests that he just doesn’t give a s--t if you know or not. And if he’s really being that callous, then sticking around is just going to make you miserable. There’re few things more deadly to a relationship – and to someone’s self-esteem – than contempt and disinterest.

So no, I don’t think you’re overreacting. If anything, I think you’re UNDER-reacting. If he’s not actively cheating, then at the very least he seems to not care if you suspect that he might be. That’s not great, to put it mildly. Even if he’s only acting this flippantly and not actually doing anything, it would suggest that he doesn’t give a flying f--k about how it makes you feel. Or, worse, he’s being deliberately careless, which would just be cruel.

What I don’t get is just why he got back with you. If he’s this callous and casual about things, then I’m left scratching my head over what he gets from not just going through with the divorce. Unless the cruelty is indeed the point, it makes little sense. Which is why, again, I wish you’d given us some more details, if only to put things into context.

But as things stand? I think this relationship ended a while ago. From what you’ve written, I don’t think anything’s going to get any better. If anything, it’s only going to get worse.

So trust your gut: yes, this is sus as hell and it’s almost certainly time to go. I  think the best thing you can do is recognize that getting back together isn’t working and it’s better to go forward with those divorce proceedings. 

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com