DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This letter undoubtedly starts out like so many you’ve seen before. Hi, I’m a twenty-six-year-old cis male, an introverted nerd on the autism spectrum, and I’ve never had sex, a relationship, or even a kiss. (Slight change in the typical lineup: I am bi, but only romantically attracted to women.)

I pass the Grimes Test, and friends regard me as smart and funny. I recently published my second novel, and have been putting more effort into exercise after years of treating my body like s--t. I am a good listener, and treat people with kindness and courtesy.

Help, my empathy makes it impossible to date.

Some context: growing up, my dad was an abusive alcoholic. Mostly verbal with yelling (which was *really* bad on my autistic sensory issues), sometimes physical. I know what it’s like to be afraid of someone who’s bigger and stronger than you, walking on eggshells, hoping the slightest thing doesn’t set him off; in short, I know where women are coming from in their wariness of strange men.

I was also bullied and harassed a lot in school, some of which was creepy and sexual in nature. I had to take the javelina approach to safety, adopting a cold/unfriendly façade to keep others at bay. So, I understand why women are fed up with creeps and are way less open to male companionship.

The thing is, this to-an-extent knowledge of the female experience has made dating *more* difficult for me.

I’m a big guy, I’m below average looking, and I never have any idea what to say. Suffice to say, making women feel at ease around me is work cut out for me.

(Yeah, I know looks aren’t everything, but being average looking/bodied is still a significant handicap for men. It means women will rarely want to [let alone do] make the first move, and it’s almost as unlikely that me making the first move will be well received. Especially for catching initial interest, getting my foot in the door so she actually wants to talk to me.)

Every time I think of making a move, I stop to consider if she’d even be comfortable with the interaction. The answer (to me) seems an obvious no, so I leave her alone. If I see a cute girl at a bookstore or so on, I think: “would I like it if I were in her position and someone bothered me?” No, of course not; nobody likes being randomly talked to.

Body language rarely lies, and I’ve never had a woman show open body language toward me indicating that she’s interested. Usually, women close their body language when I’m nearby. Women have never given any flirting signals or other signs of attraction; Hell, for all I know, nobody’s even had a crush on me.

Smiling doesn’t help. Fake or genuine, a smile on my face is even uglier than my neutral expression (which I have most of the time, partially from autism and partially from the coping from bullying). I’ve tried dozens of different ones, and none of them work; they’re all hideous, and even I don’t feel comfortable seeing them. Smiling around women is only going to freak them out, and I don’t want to put them through that.

I’m not waiting around for the perfect 100% chance of success. But I’m not making any moves when the chance is 0. I’m not afraid of rejection; that’s sort of a given. I’m afraid of making her feel in danger.

How can I get past this? Is there a way to actually make this empathy an asset in dating?

Other relevant info:

1. I have been on two dates, both of which were in high school over the summer with the same girl. We texted a lot, and she made it seem we were a thing, even using relationship pet names like “Honey” and “Sweetheart”; syke, she was seeing a college guy the whole time.

2. I am not a Nice Guy (TM). A. I’m fine being friends with women, no strings attached. B. I don’t even expect a “thank you” for being kind, let alone anything else; usually, it’s at my expense. C. I don’t have bitterness towards women in general for my s--t love life; I know I’m the problem.

3.a. Dating apps have been useless. If you’re not a really good-looking guy, Bumble isn’t worth the time to download; you’ll never get matches, let alone messages. Eharmony costs too much money to talk to others. Okcupid is where I’ve had the most conversations, and even that’s not much to speak of. If I reach out first, they barely contribute; fair enough, they don’t want to talk, I take the hint and unmatch. No harm.

3.b. But more often, the woman talks to me first, then gives me full responsibility for the conversation. I’m the only one asking questions, trying to get to know her, giving compound responses with plenty to go off of. And she shows no interest, giving lackluster answers and not caring. It is perfectly valid if she doesn’t want to talk to me, but then *why did she talk to me*? I know that women on dating apps are flooded with options, so why go out of the way to pick me when I’m clearly not wanted?

Thanks Doc,

Always Perched, Never Airborne

DEAR ALWAYS PERCHED, NEVER AIRBORNE: Alright APNA, I’m gonna level with you: your question isn’t nearly as unusual or unique as you suspect. In fact, you give a laundry list of things that I see from guys fairly often. The only real difference is the reason they give for not wanting to approach women.

Notice very carefully that I say “want to” not “can’t”. This is ultimately a choice that you (and they) are making, not an impossibility.

Now I want to be clear: I’m really sorry for the abuse and bullying you suffered growing up. That’s a horrific thing to have suffered through and I’m glad that you’re out of that situation. I hope you’re talking to someone about it and working on healing the trauma that you experienced living in an abusive household. It’s the sort of experience that can leave wounds that are difficult to heal and can leave some pretty significant scars.

But if I’m being honest, it sounds like this is more of a rationale for not approaching than an actual difficulty. Much of what you describe in the rest of your letter has less to do with your abuse or the empathy it’s given you for folks dealing with bigger, scarier people than it does with attempts at mind reading and making assumptions about women and what women are thinking or want. You’re making a lot of leaps based off facts not in evidence and building from what’s going on in your head instead of what others are thinking. And honestly a lot of it is coming down to feelings about yourself and fears of rejection – which are understandable – not universal truths about women.

Especially since women aren’t a monolith or a hive mind.

Part of the problem you’re running into isn’t that women don’t like you or that you’re creeping them out, you’re not even giving them the chance to get to know you. You’re deciding in advance that they don’t or won’t like you and working backwards from there.

Right off the bat, you’re making assumptions based on your ideas about women:

“I understand why women are fed up with creeps and are way less open to male companionship.”

“Every time I think of making a move, I stop to consider if she’d even be comfortable with the interaction. The answer (to me) seems an obvious no, so I leave her alone. If I see a cute girl at a bookstore or so on, I think: “would I like it if I were in her position and someone bothered me?” No, of course not; nobody likes being randomly talked to.”

“Smiling around women is only going to freak them out, and I don’t want to put them through that.”

It’s pretty obvious to me that you’re getting a lot of your information from less than reliable sources – at a guess I’m going to say TikTok and Reddit – and you aren’t recognizing the difference between a statistically significant random samples vs. people self-selecting for places specifically to vent on social media. The fact that people gripe about stuff on TikTok, even when those videos get tons of views or engagement, doesn’t mean that it’s a universal truth, nor does it mean that every person feels that way. It gets numbers because algorithms prioritize engagement and negative engagement is easier to cultivate; we all have an inherent bias towards negativity that means we’re more likely to respond to stories where bad things happen than to good ones. And while some of these stories can be entertaining (if not, y’know, factual), trying to draw conclusions other than “well that sucks” is kinda futile at best.

You know the whole idea behind “trust your gut”? It’s a great idea; sometimes we get a funny feeling because we’re subconsciously picking up on signals that we may not be seeing consciously. But trusting your gut only works if your gut is trustworthy. And a lot of times, it isn’t.

I mean, I’ll be the first to point to myself; I have ADHD, and a condition known as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria tends to come bundled with it. The short version is that RSD is like taking the average discomfort and fear of rejection, dialing it to 11 and then snapping the knob off. This means that you’re hyperaware of anything that might even hint at something being wrong… even when it’s not there. Except you’re not picking up on signals, you’re picking up feedback from everything being louder than everything else. This, in practice means that I spent a lot of time with a constant drum beat of “oh no, something’s wrong, my friends are upset at me/my partner’s going to dump me” and such going on in my head. 

In reality, it wasn’t real. I wasn’t picking up on subtle signals, my brain was so sure I was going to be rejected/ upset someone/ ruin things that it was conflating noise with signal and overriding what I knew intellectually. Are my friends avoiding me when I ask them to do stuff, or is it more likely that they’re working absurd schedules at work? Is my partner upset or slow-walking me out of the relationship, or is there s--t going on in her life that’s making things hard for her and leaving her with less emotional bandwidth or energy? It feels sensible – after all, I could fill a whiteboard with the way my brain broke down everything in a logical order – but what it was actually doing was starting from the conclusion and working backwards to justify things.

Which, y’know, is what you’re doing. You and many other dudes like you.

Here’s the truth: women don’t assume everyone’s a creep, nor does talking to them or otherwise starting a conversation mean that you’re inconveniencing or upsetting them. What’s going on is that there’re a lot of dudes out there who don’t care about what women want or think or who treat women as something for those men to consume, not as individuals. If you’re not acting like them, you’re already ahead in the game.

Let’s take, for example, the theoretical woman in the bookstore. As someone who has dated women he approached in bookstores, I can tell you from experience that the key here is simply having a conversation and being aware of people’s comfort and interest. The conversations I had with the women I met at the bookstore often started with asking for a recommendation about books and then moving towards talking about books we liked. This almost always works well because hey, here we are, two people having a lovely conversation about something we enjoy. If things went well, I’d say “hey, I’ve got to go, but I’m really enjoying talking to you; is it ok if I add you on What’sApp?” or whatever, and then we’d continue talking later. If there was a strong vibe, then I might ask them on a date, but otherwise, I’d continue to chat through text and then later ask if they’d like to go do something.

If they weren’t interested – in talking, in a date, whatever – I would say “ok, no worries” and continue to be polite and friendly. If they didn’t want to talk, I’d thank them for their time or their suggestions and move on, no harm no foul. If they weren’t interested in connecting on social media or a date, same story. None of them felt creeped out or importuned because I was demonstrating through words and behavior that I wasn’t interested in hitting on them, I was interested in talking as one lover of books to another. Anything that came after was based entirely on if they were interested in more or not. And if they weren’t, then hey, that’s cool too.

Let’s talk about some of your other false assumptions. Body language rarely lies? Not true: body language lies all the time, but what’s more likely is you aren’t reading their body language correctly. Part of reading body language is understanding what’s actually a signal and what’s noise. If you don’t have sufficient context for an individual, then you’re not going to read them correctly. Is she crossing her arms because she’s feeling defensive, or because she’s cold, or because that’s just how she’s most comfortable standing? Is she playing with her hair because she’s preening for you or because that’s a habit she picked up over the years? And – most importantly – are you looking for negatives, instead of just gauging things?

If you want a better read on someone’s body language, you’re better off going with what experts refer to as The Rule of Four – clusters of signals that happen at the same time, ideally four or more. Any one body language cue could be anything; several overlapping or simultaneous cues are a more reliable signal. But you still need a baseline to be able to read it accurately. It’s why we’re able to tell how our friends or loved ones are feeling more than relative strangers.

Similarly, be aware of just how much your own body language affects things. OK, you’re a large guy. That doesn’t mean that you can’t adjust how you stand, sit or otherwise carry yourself to make yourself less threatening and more approachable. There’re a lot of little things, like standing at a slight angle away from someone or even standing parallel to them and facing the same way, instead of facing them full on, keeping your arms out and loose or gesturing with open upturned palms; these all signal trust, friendliness and openness, as well as avoiding making it feel like you’re looming over them. I know some very tall guys who’ll make a point of positioning themselves so that they’re not as imposing – often either by leaning back against something (often side-by-side with the person they’re talking to) or sitting instead of standing. Giving personal space, keeping your gestures slow and smooth and expansive help show that you’re trying to avoid giving an intimidating vibe.

Look at how some tall, built dudes act when they’re being friendly – Jason Momoa, Hafthor Bjornsson and so-on. They don’t come off as scary in those moments, they come off like big ol’ teddy bears.

Another thing to consider is how your resting murder face is affecting others. It’s hard for other people to know you’re a sweet, friendly guy when you look like you’re thinking about how your boss screwed you out of a performance bonus. Hell, that’s something I had to work on; I’ve had plenty of folks, including friends, who wanted to know what was wrong when I was having a perfectly lovely time. If you look like Stoneface McGee or Paddy O’Solemn, people are going to assume you don’t like them.

But what about your “ugly” smile? Well… to start with, I don’t know if we can treat you as the most reliable judge about your own attractiveness or lack thereof. But another thing to keep in mind would be whether you’ve considered that maybe the problem isn’t that it’s ugly, it’s that it’s forced? The smile you make when you think of things that make you laugh is probably far different than the one you’re practicing in the mirror.

Considering your history and the way you’ve schooled yourself to grey rock folks as a defense mechanism, it’s far more likely that you’re not just out of practice, you’ve associated “smiling” with negative outcomes and that affects how you’re interacting with the world around you.

And while I’m at it, might I gently point out that some of the other information you’ve shared isn’t relevant or revelatory the way you think? The dates you’d been on with the girl who was lying to you? That wasn’t your fault, that was you dating someone who turned out to be an asshole. That’s not on you, that’s on her. Assholes don’t happen to the “deserving”, they happen to anyone because assholes are gonna ass.

Dating apps? Well there’s a lot to be said about dating apps and the mistaken ideas that guys have about them, and it would take forever to go through them all. But one thing I’ll say is that being good on dating apps is a skill set all of its own, and part of it is knowing where your best matches are likely to be. eHarmony ain’t gonna be it for you unless you’re looking to get married immediately, and apps like Feel’d and #Open aren’t great for serial monogamists. But even on places with wider, more generalized audiences like OKCupid, you have to a)  know how to engage with folks in text and b) realize that dating in general is a numbers game and online dating even more so. If you’re going in with the same attitude of “I’m having to work from negative numbers just to get to zero interest and THEN to positive interest” then yeah, s--t’s gonna go badly because you’ll both be signaling your presumptive apology for intruding on her much more valuable time and more likely to interpret everything in the worst possible light.

Now short of following you around and watching you like some sort of dating David Attenborough, I can’t tell you specifically what you’re doing right or wrong. But the things you mention here? These are all incredibly common and all come from the idea that people don’t like you from the jump and you have to overcome that before you can even get them to the point of maybe possibly enjoying your company. So you’re poisoning the well before you even start. You’ll do a lot better to assume that the people you’re hoping to meet already like you and are pleased to talk to you until you get evidence otherwise. This way, you’ll be priming yourself for far better interactions and getting your brain ready to see the good, rather than expecting to see the bad. Plus, it’ll make you far happier and more pleasant to talk to in general.

But more than that? I’d suggest talking to a counselor or therapist. You’ve got a lot of deep-seated negative ideas about yourself and that, combined with the trauma of abuse from someone who’s supposed to love and care for you and protect you – as well as bullying and sexualized abuse from your peers – means that you’re carrying around a lot of pain. Addressing that is going to go a long, long way towards making you realize how much good there is in you, how much you have to offer and just how lucky someone would be to date you. But they aren’t going to be able to see it until you can see it – because even if they did see it, you wouldn’t be able to accept it from them.

So start with healing yourself and learning to expect that folks already like you. This alone will make it easier for you to simply start having conversations and getting to know people. That, in turn, will help you build connections and relationships – likely platonic at first, but building to more – that will lead to the sorts of relationships you’re looking for.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com


DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A woman asked online “what does intimacy mean for you beyond sex?” and I replied “cuddles and kisses” and 50 women replied “trust/vulnerability/openness”

So men are interested in doing stuff (not just sex), that is what matters.

Women focus on feelings, especially about the other person.

That is a hell of a difference. How can we bridge it over?

Deeds Not Words?

DEAR DEEDS NOT WORDS: You’re falling victim to one of the classic blunders, DNW, the most famous of which is “never take advice from someone who clearly doesn’t like the people they’re hoping to sleep with”, but only slightly less well known is this: “intimacy” isn’t just physical, nor is it just a euphemism for sex. 

Now part of what’s going on here is that you – and the men you’re purporting to speak for – are misunderstanding what the question was, what you’re asking for and what women in that poll are asking for.

I’m sure you saw the whole “Rise of Single Lonely Men” thing about how women have raised their standards and men aren’t rising to meet them. Well, if you were to read about what standards women were now holding to you would have… better communication, higher emotional intelligence and more willingness to be vulnerable. They’ve gotten tired of dealing with emotionally closed off men who can’t communicate their wants or needs, who don’t deal with their emotional wounds or address their mental health and basically act like brick walls to the women in their lives.

Have you ever dealt with someone where getting information out of them is like pulling teeth? Or someone who plays things so close to the vest that you are never entirely sure how they actually feel or what they actually want from you? Or perhaps you’ve had a boss or coworker who would make demands, but they were so vague that you had no way of knowing not just what the hell they wanted, but how you could possibly meet those demands?

Well, imagine if those experiences defined your romantic relationships. Imagine how frustrating that would be, how much that would make you feel separated from your partner and how that would make you feel about being in a relationship with them. Would you really feel like being physically intimate with someone who kept you at arms length at all times? Would you feel validated, appreciated or loved by someone who kept a wall up and never let you know what they were thinking or how they felt?

You and I both know that you wouldn’t. It would feel like you were being used at best. At worst… well, you’d feel disposable. Unwanted. Kept around for as long as it was convenient and then to be discarded later on.

Now with that in mind, let’s circle back around to your answer to the question: intimacy, to you means physical – but not necessarily sexual – contact and affection. And to be sure, that’s a valid answer; this really is a question without wrong answers. But here’s an important follow-up question for you: why? I’m not being snarky here, I’m asking a serious question and I want you to think about the answer. Why do these represent intimacy for you? What, precisely, are you getting from cuddling and kissing?

If we’re being honest, it’s going to be how it makes you feel. You feel more loved and connected to your partner. That’s a powerful feeling.

That feeling comes, in no small part, from the oxytocin and dopamine that physical contact brings. When your body produces more oxytocin, you feel validated, you feel closer and more connected to your partner and more in love. It’s why oxytocin is called the “love hormone”; it encourages closer emotional bonding between you and your partner.

Well hey, guess what? That’s precisely what women are also asking for. But here’s the thing: oxytocin is also generated by deep and meaningful conversations from your partner, from feeling heard and understood and validated. But when you’re getting physical contact from someone but they don’t let you in emotionally or express themselves, then it’s hard to feel heard. When your partner won’t communicate or share about themselves, it’s hard to feel like you’re appreciated or understood. It feels, at best, like you’re giving and giving, but getting nothing back. All the love you’re giving is being poured out on to dry ground, evaporating instead of being absorbed, nourishing nothing.

This isn’t a “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” situation. It’s not a case of “men are interested in the physical, women are interested in emotions”. It’s that men are taught that emotions are things that happen to other people and that men are just about Doing S--t. They’re taught that they only want to do stuff and they’re taught that talking or sharing are sus and also gay and feelings are for chicks.

Except they’re not. You can tell yourself that you don’t need to talk about feelings or share or be vulnerable, sure… but that doesn’t mean you’re telling yourself the truth. Strangely enough, men have emotional needs too. We want to share, we want to express ourselves, be heard, be understood and be vulnerable. But we’re taught that we don’t “do” that and as a result, we grow up being afraid of our own feelings and having no idea how to connect with them or to ask for what we need.

Hell, half the time, we don’t even recognize our own emotions. Part of why so many men are lonely is because we’ve been taught that emotional intimacy is the same as sexual intimacy, and so our only outlets for emotional intimacy are our romantic partners. We’re cut off from the friendships and relationships we need because we were taught that being emotionally open with our guy friends was a precursor to f--king them.

So the things you’re saying men want from women and what women want from men? They’re the same thing. The difference is that men don’t realize it, while women are frustrated and sad and hurt by the fact that they’re asking and asking and asking for something seemingly basic and easily given and still not getting it from their partners.

Believe me: if men were better at communicating, at building trust and less afraid of being vulnerable – especially without barfing their feelings all over the place when the dam finally breaks – then there’d be a hell of a lot more sex, kissing and cuddling overall.

So how do we bridge this gap? We do so by realizing that the reason it exists in the first place is that one side has been taught for generations that it’s supposed to be there. We bridge it by learning how to talk, to share and to connect with more than just the people we have sex with. We stop being afraid of being real and vulnerable with the people we care about and to express ourselves more openly and freely. And, importantly, we quit treating those behaviors like they’re anathema or that they signal weakness.

You’re asking for the same thing women are, DNW; you just don’t realize it because you’ve been taught not to see it that way. Start using your words instead of hoping that body language (and contact) will mean you don’t have to, and you’ll be astounded at how much better and more satisfying your relationships will be.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com


DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m twenty-four years old and I went through my first break up about 6 months ago. She was basically my first everything, and it has pushed me into a really depressive state. Not only do I have to see that person every day, we are in the same graduate program, I also have to see them any time I go out because we share a lot of friends. So, I have to see her flirt and dance with others and it pretty much wrecks my world every time.

I’ve always struggled with meeting people and talking to women, hence the first girlfriend I ever had was when I was 24, and this has made it so much worse. It’s as if when I want to talk to people my brain has words, but my mouth and legs just won’t follow.

Anyway, apologies if any of that was rambling, but I was wondering if you had any tips for getting over your exes and meeting new people, and for my situation in particular. I just want to be able to move on and it’s starting to feel hopeless.

Best,

Broken Hearts Club

DEAR BROKEN HEARTS CLUB: I’m going to start this with something that’s cliche and seemingly unhelpful, but you’ll understand it a little later on:

This too shall pass.

Yeah, I know. Right now life sucks harder than an overclocked Dyson and the fact that you see her out and about feels like someone is kicking your soul in the nuts with big stompy boots. It’s leaving you feeling like you got a few moments in paradise before getting ripped back out of it, making you feel worse than before because now you know what you’re missing.

But as much as it feels like this your life from now on, it really isn’t. This hurts, no question about it. But despite how it feels, you aren’t going to feel like this forever. This isn’t your status quo. Running into your ex will stop feeling like a hammer to the chest. The despair will ease. This pain will fade.

This too shall pass.

Now, I’ve talked a lot about some of the things I wish I’d known before my first relationship. Right now I want to tell you something I’d known before my first break up: your recovery will be faster and leave you in a better place if you take an active hand, rather than nursing those hurt feelings.

It’s hard to feel like there’s hope after your first break up. First relationships feel especially momentous. The limerence that comes with your first “real” relationship – especially one that marks so many firsts – is astounding. It feels like the world is smiling directly at you. You would be forgiven for thinking that you’re going to beat the odds and that this is a relationship that will last the ages.

And then when it falls apart, that sudden emptiness hurts all the more, because you’ve never really had either experience before. And it’s very easy to get lost in that pain. It’s easy to wallow and feel sorry for yourself. And that’s ultimately going to make the healing process take longer.

The thing that folks often don’t realize about break ups is that the pain of a break up doesn’t just come from a broken heart; you’re going through withdrawal. See, when we talk about having chemistry with someone, we’re not just being poetic. It’s literal; love isn’t just an emotion, it’s also chemicals and hormones, oxytocin and serotonin and dopamine all flooding the pleasure centers of your brain. That New Relationship Energy that got you all twitterpated at the beginning of the relationship? That’s the dopamine and oxytocin rush from being with somebody new. And now that you’re no longer with her, you aren’t getting those same feel-good chemicals. You have, in a very real way, been cut of by your dealer and you’re feeling the effects that come with going cold turkey from your primary supply.

Now the good news is that once you’re aware of this, that means you’re able to do something about it.

The first step: make sure you’re not making things harder on yourself by not taking care of yourself. Yeah, when you’re feeling this low, it’s natural to have no energy, no drive and no real interest in doing anything other than sitting around and trying to numb the pain. But all of this ends up making you feel worse. Instead, you want to make sure you’re treating your body and brain well. So if you aren’t already, you want to get fresh air and sunshine. At the very least, you should go out and go for walks. It’s even better if you can go spend some time out in the local park or some other place out in nature.

Yeah I know, “go outside and touch grass” sounds incredibly dismissive, but sunshine and cardiovascular exercise promotes serotonin production in the brain, which helps with regulating stress, anxiety and managing feelings of depression. Plus, having a nice calm place to walk around makes it a little easier to just relax and take things in, instead of feeling cooped up and hemmed in. Appreciate the sounds of life, the wind in the leaves and the feeling of sun on your skin.

You also want to make sure you’re eating well. I love me some burgers as much as the next carnivore and potatoes are probably one of my favorite food groups, but you’re going to want to make sure you’re eating some green leafy vegetables like spinach and lean proteins like chicken and fish. You don’t need to avoid things like sugar or carbs – let’s be real, carbs are like distilled happiness and it’s good to treat yourself – but a good balanced diet will go a long way towards not just upping your serotonin levels, but also remind you that you deserve good things because you treat yourself well. You don’t need to go hardcore about your eating – orthorexia ain’t gonna make things any better – but making sure things are mostly balanced and you’re getting plenty of greens will help immensely.

Next step: clean. Seriously. Clean your apartment. Give it the sort of deep cleaning it likely hasn’t had in months or years. Open the windows and air it out, vacuum and dust the s--t out of everything – the couch, the curtains, the mattress, everything. Wash the windows, scrub the toilets, polish the mirrors and fixtures and counters until they’re spotless. This does two things. First, it eases the clutter and detritus that tends to build up when you’re going through a low period and leaves you feeling more like a person and less like a pile of garbage with school loans. It, like getting out, eating well and exercising, reminds you that you’re a good person who deserves good things, in part because you’re treating yourself like someone who deserves good things. But also the satisfaction of cleaning helps give little hits of dopamine – a sort of chemical reward for accomplishing those tasks.

It sounds weird, but accomplishing those little tasks help give dopamine hits that encourage you to keep going. That’s part of the appeal of games like Animal Crossing and Stardew Valley – you’ve got a series of easily completed chores that bring a sense of satisfaction. They’re not real, but your brain accepts them as real. So it is with accomplishing similar tasks in the real world: the satisfaction with getting it done boosts your dopamine levels and you have a cleaner, less oppressive place to live.

When you’re done cleaning, look at some other things you may have been putting off. This is a good time to get some long-neglected tasks or chores done. Keeping busy will give your mind something else to focus on, while the dopamine will help you feel better.

Speaking of feeling better, you want to get some endorphins flowing as well. Endorphins are a complex series of hormones that decrease pain and generally increase feelings of happiness and well-being. Right now your brain isn’t producing much of them… but you can change that. There a few ways to increase endorphin production, and virtually all of them are easily within your grasp.

Meditation, especially mindfulness meditation is a good start. So is laughter; it;’s hard to want to laugh when you’re feeling this low, but finding things that tickle your funny-bone and get at least a smile out of you will help. Going out to see a comedian, getting some friends together to watch a favorite comedy, even just hanging out with folks who can make you laugh will help boost your mood, generate an endorphin spike and help chase away the gloom you’re feeling.

But what about oxytocin? Well, there’s a reason why oxytocin is called the love hormone; we produce a lot of it when we cuddle, when we have sex or otherwise are in physical contact with our partners. When our partners leave us, we don’t have access to those same triggers… but that doesn’t mean you’re s--t out of luck. It just means you need to start being willing to not look at your partner as your sole source of physical touch. One of the areas where men are disadvantaged over women is how much we isolate ourselves, physically. Women don’t have the same social taboos around physical touch and affection with friends and loved ones that men do. The hugs, casual touch and physical contact women get from their friends helps keep their oxytocin levels up.

Now, it can be a little hard to go to your friends and say “hey, I need a hug” if you all don’t have that kind of friendship already. You can certainly work towards building that with your friends, but in the sort term, you may want to look to other options. One of the most easily accessible options would be massage – a 60 minute Swedish massage will help with both the skin hunger and the general sense of well-being. Social dancing – like salsa or ballroom – can help too, as well as giving you more opportunities for exercise.

All of these will help with the withdrawal aspect of your break up and make you feel like a functioning human being again. It’ll ease your pain and give you hope for the future. And that part’s going to be important, because part of healing from a break up is recognizing that relationships don’t happen by chance. You need to put active effort into them. By taking care of yourself and making a point of being an active participant in your own life – taking steps to make yourself feel better, being more social and enjoying your life overall – you’re carving the pathways in your brain that encourage you to take more active steps with other people, too. Getting out and being social – even if it means risking seeing your ex – is important. You need to remember that life does go on, even if it feels like your world has ended. You can take a few minutes on the ground to catch your breath and say “well, s--t” but then you have to get back up on your feet and start over.

The sooner you remember the “get back on your feet” part , the sooner you recover. The sooner you recover, the sooner you’ll realize that seeing your ex doesn’t hurt as much, that you’re feeling better about yourself and that while this relationship ended, that’s not the end of relationships.

It sucks. It feels bad. But there is hope out there. You will feel better, sooner rather than later, if you work at it.

This, too, shall pass.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com