DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m twenty-four years old and I went through my first break up about 6 months ago. She was basically my first everything, and it has pushed me into a really depressive state. Not only do I have to see that person every day, we are in the same graduate program, I also have to see them any time I go out because we share a lot of friends. So, I have to see her flirt and dance with others and it pretty much wrecks my world every time.

I’ve always struggled with meeting people and talking to women, hence the first girlfriend I ever had was when I was 24, and this has made it so much worse. It’s as if when I want to talk to people my brain has words, but my mouth and legs just won’t follow.

Anyway, apologies if any of that was rambling, but I was wondering if you had any tips for getting over your exes and meeting new people, and for my situation in particular. I just want to be able to move on and it’s starting to feel hopeless.

Best,

Broken Hearts Club

DEAR BROKEN HEARTS CLUB: I’m going to start this with something that’s cliche and seemingly unhelpful, but you’ll understand it a little later on:

This too shall pass.

Yeah, I know. Right now life sucks harder than an overclocked Dyson and the fact that you see her out and about feels like someone is kicking your soul in the nuts with big stompy boots. It’s leaving you feeling like you got a few moments in paradise before getting ripped back out of it, making you feel worse than before because now you know what you’re missing.

But as much as it feels like this your life from now on, it really isn’t. This hurts, no question about it. But despite how it feels, you aren’t going to feel like this forever. This isn’t your status quo. Running into your ex will stop feeling like a hammer to the chest. The despair will ease. This pain will fade.

This too shall pass.

Now, I’ve talked a lot about some of the things I wish I’d known before my first relationship. Right now I want to tell you something I’d known before my first break up: your recovery will be faster and leave you in a better place if you take an active hand, rather than nursing those hurt feelings.

It’s hard to feel like there’s hope after your first break up. First relationships feel especially momentous. The limerence that comes with your first “real” relationship – especially one that marks so many firsts – is astounding. It feels like the world is smiling directly at you. You would be forgiven for thinking that you’re going to beat the odds and that this is a relationship that will last the ages.

And then when it falls apart, that sudden emptiness hurts all the more, because you’ve never really had either experience before. And it’s very easy to get lost in that pain. It’s easy to wallow and feel sorry for yourself. And that’s ultimately going to make the healing process take longer.

The thing that folks often don’t realize about break ups is that the pain of a break up doesn’t just come from a broken heart; you’re going through withdrawal. See, when we talk about having chemistry with someone, we’re not just being poetic. It’s literal; love isn’t just an emotion, it’s also chemicals and hormones, oxytocin and serotonin and dopamine all flooding the pleasure centers of your brain. That New Relationship Energy that got you all twitterpated at the beginning of the relationship? That’s the dopamine and oxytocin rush from being with somebody new. And now that you’re no longer with her, you aren’t getting those same feel-good chemicals. You have, in a very real way, been cut of by your dealer and you’re feeling the effects that come with going cold turkey from your primary supply.

Now the good news is that once you’re aware of this, that means you’re able to do something about it.

The first step: make sure you’re not making things harder on yourself by not taking care of yourself. Yeah, when you’re feeling this low, it’s natural to have no energy, no drive and no real interest in doing anything other than sitting around and trying to numb the pain. But all of this ends up making you feel worse. Instead, you want to make sure you’re treating your body and brain well. So if you aren’t already, you want to get fresh air and sunshine. At the very least, you should go out and go for walks. It’s even better if you can go spend some time out in the local park or some other place out in nature.

Yeah I know, “go outside and touch grass” sounds incredibly dismissive, but sunshine and cardiovascular exercise promotes serotonin production in the brain, which helps with regulating stress, anxiety and managing feelings of depression. Plus, having a nice calm place to walk around makes it a little easier to just relax and take things in, instead of feeling cooped up and hemmed in. Appreciate the sounds of life, the wind in the leaves and the feeling of sun on your skin.

You also want to make sure you’re eating well. I love me some burgers as much as the next carnivore and potatoes are probably one of my favorite food groups, but you’re going to want to make sure you’re eating some green leafy vegetables like spinach and lean proteins like chicken and fish. You don’t need to avoid things like sugar or carbs – let’s be real, carbs are like distilled happiness and it’s good to treat yourself – but a good balanced diet will go a long way towards not just upping your serotonin levels, but also remind you that you deserve good things because you treat yourself well. You don’t need to go hardcore about your eating – orthorexia ain’t gonna make things any better – but making sure things are mostly balanced and you’re getting plenty of greens will help immensely.

Next step: clean. Seriously. Clean your apartment. Give it the sort of deep cleaning it likely hasn’t had in months or years. Open the windows and air it out, vacuum and dust the s--t out of everything – the couch, the curtains, the mattress, everything. Wash the windows, scrub the toilets, polish the mirrors and fixtures and counters until they’re spotless. This does two things. First, it eases the clutter and detritus that tends to build up when you’re going through a low period and leaves you feeling more like a person and less like a pile of garbage with school loans. It, like getting out, eating well and exercising, reminds you that you’re a good person who deserves good things, in part because you’re treating yourself like someone who deserves good things. But also the satisfaction of cleaning helps give little hits of dopamine – a sort of chemical reward for accomplishing those tasks.

It sounds weird, but accomplishing those little tasks help give dopamine hits that encourage you to keep going. That’s part of the appeal of games like Animal Crossing and Stardew Valley – you’ve got a series of easily completed chores that bring a sense of satisfaction. They’re not real, but your brain accepts them as real. So it is with accomplishing similar tasks in the real world: the satisfaction with getting it done boosts your dopamine levels and you have a cleaner, less oppressive place to live.

When you’re done cleaning, look at some other things you may have been putting off. This is a good time to get some long-neglected tasks or chores done. Keeping busy will give your mind something else to focus on, while the dopamine will help you feel better.

Speaking of feeling better, you want to get some endorphins flowing as well. Endorphins are a complex series of hormones that decrease pain and generally increase feelings of happiness and well-being. Right now your brain isn’t producing much of them… but you can change that. There a few ways to increase endorphin production, and virtually all of them are easily within your grasp.

Meditation, especially mindfulness meditation is a good start. So is laughter; it;’s hard to want to laugh when you’re feeling this low, but finding things that tickle your funny-bone and get at least a smile out of you will help. Going out to see a comedian, getting some friends together to watch a favorite comedy, even just hanging out with folks who can make you laugh will help boost your mood, generate an endorphin spike and help chase away the gloom you’re feeling.

But what about oxytocin? Well, there’s a reason why oxytocin is called the love hormone; we produce a lot of it when we cuddle, when we have sex or otherwise are in physical contact with our partners. When our partners leave us, we don’t have access to those same triggers… but that doesn’t mean you’re s--t out of luck. It just means you need to start being willing to not look at your partner as your sole source of physical touch. One of the areas where men are disadvantaged over women is how much we isolate ourselves, physically. Women don’t have the same social taboos around physical touch and affection with friends and loved ones that men do. The hugs, casual touch and physical contact women get from their friends helps keep their oxytocin levels up.

Now, it can be a little hard to go to your friends and say “hey, I need a hug” if you all don’t have that kind of friendship already. You can certainly work towards building that with your friends, but in the sort term, you may want to look to other options. One of the most easily accessible options would be massage – a 60 minute Swedish massage will help with both the skin hunger and the general sense of well-being. Social dancing – like salsa or ballroom – can help too, as well as giving you more opportunities for exercise.

All of these will help with the withdrawal aspect of your break up and make you feel like a functioning human being again. It’ll ease your pain and give you hope for the future. And that part’s going to be important, because part of healing from a break up is recognizing that relationships don’t happen by chance. You need to put active effort into them. By taking care of yourself and making a point of being an active participant in your own life – taking steps to make yourself feel better, being more social and enjoying your life overall – you’re carving the pathways in your brain that encourage you to take more active steps with other people, too. Getting out and being social – even if it means risking seeing your ex – is important. You need to remember that life does go on, even if it feels like your world has ended. You can take a few minutes on the ground to catch your breath and say “well, s--t” but then you have to get back up on your feet and start over.

The sooner you remember the “get back on your feet” part , the sooner you recover. The sooner you recover, the sooner you’ll realize that seeing your ex doesn’t hurt as much, that you’re feeling better about yourself and that while this relationship ended, that’s not the end of relationships.

It sucks. It feels bad. But there is hope out there. You will feel better, sooner rather than later, if you work at it.

This, too, shall pass.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com


DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Here are the facts:
– long distance relationship for five years
– had a shared Google drive where we saved nudes, lewds, love letters, etc.
– the ex pays for it, but we both uploaded stuff to it and had the password
– we broke up over a year ago
– I got a new phone right after the breakup and didn’t add our shared account and didn’t think much about it
– I didn’t ask him to delete anything when we broke up
– we don’t talk now
– I had to wipe my old phone and opened the Google drive folder and can see that he’s accessing our videos and photos often

Do I just delete anything I uploaded? Delete the whole thing? Ask him to delete it?

I trust him not to distribute any of it, but like. Privatize your spank bank so it’s at least not hanging out in a place where I can see that you’re still getting off to me.

Thanks for any insight,
G Drive Spy

DEAR G DRIVE SPY: I’m going to be honest, GDS, the question of “what does one do about shared nudes after a breakup” can be a thorny one.

Every relationship ever has… let’s call them mementos, it sounds so much better than “leftovers” or something - that need to be dealt with. Because I’m Gen-X, the more common post break-up challenges involved things like splitting up the record collection or doing a sort of hostage exchange of various belongings that ended up at your exes place and their stuff at yours. Sometimes it may have involved things like “so how do we split custody of the dog?”

The nice thing about these was that it was fairly cut and dry. You could argue about who got to keep the copy of Dolittle or accept that your favorite hoodie was now the exit tax for the relationship, but that’s more or less where it ended. Losing some of your stuff in the break up could sting, but (barring custody of said dog) it was more or less a cut-and-dry situation. You accept the loss, mourn the missing sentimental value of some of those keepsakes, but it was a rare occasion indeed that anything from the relationship itself was likely to come back to haunt you.

(Well… besides your ex, that is).

While the saga of Pamela and Tommy Lee became a national story during this period (and hideous invasion of privacy besides), the likelihood of things like nude photos or videos of you and your partner re-emerging and biting you in the ass was vanishingly unlikely.

(Plus, unless you had a darkroom in your spare bathroom or REALLY had a thing for Polaroids, the barrier to entry for having nude photos meant accepting that the pimply teenagers working the Fotomat were gonna make extras.)

But as sexting becomes an increasingly common part of dating and relationships, cheap digital storage and the ubiquity of camera phones, the odds of your pics never going away – or worse, escaping into the wild – are much higher. And along with the sex-negative bullshit stigma that comes with the possibility of pics getting out, it’s lead to new and unexpected post-break up etiquette questions. Is it ethical to keep them after the break up? If they’re in a shared drive, who do they technically belong to? What about if your ex doesn’t ask you to get rid of them? And what do you do if you find out your ex is still cranking it to them?

Now, for you, GDS I think the big question comes down to “what aspect of this situation is bothering you?”, which will ultimately decide the best approach. Is it a matter of knowing that he still has a sort of lingering sexual connection to you by proxy? Is it the mere existence of the photos themselves? Or just “dude, I don’t need to know what you’re up to with my pics?”

If its the latter, then the easiest thing to do is just, y’know… not log into the drive. Unless there’s a really compelling reason to keep having regular access to the drive, you should be able to remove yourself from the People With Access list without much fuss. Just right click on the drive on your “shared with me” page, hit share, find our name and select “remove access”. Now you never have to worry about seeing just how often he’s viewing your pics or videos and he can keep making withdrawals from the spank bank without involving you.

However, if it’s more an issue that he has the pictures at all, then you’re likely going to have some sort of communication with your ex. The question is “how much contact are you willing to have”.

You don’t say if the break up was particularly acrimonious or if you and he are on good or bad terms. The complete lack of contact would suggest that you’re at least neutral towards one another. If that’s the case, I think an email or text saying “hey, I saw my pics were still on the cloud drive, I’d really prefer that you delete them” would be in order.

However, it’s ultimately going to depend on whether you trust him to actually delete them. After all, there’s no way to know for sure that he doesn’t just move the files instead of deleting them permanently, or doesn’t make a show of deleting them but recovering them later. If you do reach out and the files disappear from the drive, you’ll have to weigh the possibility that they’ll still exist, just in a place that you don’t know about. If you’re ok with that possibility, then I’d suggest sending that email.

Deleting them yourself is an option, but it’s a potentially aggressive one that could backfire, depending on circumstances. If you just up and delete the pictures and videos yourself, then odds are good you’re going to end up getting a call or email. If he’s accessing them often, he’s going to notice that they’re gone and it won’t exactly take Sherlock Holmes to figure out what happened.

Plus, there’s a non-zero chance that he has copies elsewhere, which would mean that this an notable but ultimately futile gesture.

(And if he’s an especially tricksy hobbitses, he may well have noticed that you’d logged in recently. He could very well lock the permissions on those files and prevent you from deleting them before you have a chance.)

Of course, if you’re feeling slightly puckish, you could log back in, upload a text file titled “Dude, I can tell you’re still getting off to these, maybe move ’em elsewhere” before removing yourself from the drive. It wouldn’t mean he’s going to delete them, but at least you’d get some satisfaction of tweaking his nose slightly before you go.

But at the end of the day, if you two ended things on decent enough terms, I’d suggest a quick email. As a general rule, I’m in favor of making your wishes known, clearly and directly. It won’t ensure that he deletes them for good, but at the very least you will make it clear where you stand.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com


DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your website for a while now and figured it was time I shoot a message your way, especially as right now I’m at my wits end for what to do with myself.

I’m a late twenties male who hasn’t had a date for the last ten years. I’ve tried, of course, but to no avail. It’s very frustrating, particularly as there’s no real reason why I shouldn’t be able to find someone to spend time with.

So what have I got going for me? I’ve got the basics down, like a roof over my head and car. I have a career I’m extremely proud of, and passionate about, and which allows me to live a lifestyle that I enjoy. I’ve got my health, including working out regularly, and I make sure to look after myself otherwise with clothes that fit, grooming, cologne etc. I’m caring, thoughtful, intelligent, and I’m a great listener. I enjoy talking to people and getting to know them. I’m supposedly good-looking; I’ve had random compliments throughout my life to that effect, and I’ve been consistently rated as a 9 on Photofeeler. To put myself out there, I’ve been to salsa classes, board game groups, pub crawls, ice-skating, concerts and other meetup events. I’ve tried dating apps on-and-off.

I’ve yet to make a friend throughout any of this, let alone a date. I get along with people, make them laugh and generally give off a good impression, but it never translates to anything meaningful. I’ve never been approached by a woman, and they generally avoid talking to me in group settings. I certainly have never noticed any sign of attraction. I just go to events, talk to people, but in the end I’m always alone. It’s got to the point now, that I don’t bother to go out.

Just the other day I had a colleague say I was handsome and that I must have had plenty of women in my life, and not long after that, a female colleague said it was a shame I was single because I’m “good-looking and a great guy”. It’s all very confusing when people seem to think highly of me, but I’ve got no romantic or social prospects…and it hurts.

To top it all off, I’m now scared of being the type of guy who will eventually get settled for. I’ve missed out on dating when I was younger, and I can’t see my luck changing for the better.

I’m in therapy, so here’s hoping that eventually helps me, but until then, I just need to get things off my chest, and maybe get some guidance in the process.
Thanks.

The Lost and the Lonely

DEAR THE LOST AND THE LONELY: OK my dude, I get a lot of letters like yours, and I chose yours because it’s a prime example of some classic mistakes I see men make all the time. So I want to preface this with the understanding that this isn’t just about you, so much as the collective you and other men who’ve found themselves in the same boat.

Similarly, I want to make it clear: this is going to be blunt. This is going to be unpleasant. But I promise you: make it to the end, take it in, and you’ll be in a much better position than you’re in now.

So with that in mind, I want to talk about what I’m not seeing in your letter: you don’t say what you do. Not “what job do you have” or “what actions are you taking”, but actual verbs. Actions. Behaviors. Actual, demonstrable steps you take with others.

When I look at this list, I see two categories of descriptions. There’re the qualities that’re directed towards yourself – dressing well, taking care of yourself physically – and that are passive, such as being a good listener. And hey, that’s all well and good; taking care of yourself, working on your style and presentation is important. But it’s not active. It’s directed inward, not outward. Yes, being conventionally good looking helps. Having a strong sense of style and getting your grooming on lock helps. But it’s not going to do the work for you. If you think about it in D&D terms, it’s giving you an advantage on some of your rolls; it’s not going to draw people in, in and of itself.

Similarly, “being caring” and “being a good listener” is nice… but that’s a very passive thing. It’s important, yes; these are things that people are looking for in relationships. But it’s not only not the only thing, it’s not something that draws people in. Telling someone you’re a great listener isn’t going to make them want to date you, any more than being “a really nice guy”. Those are, honestly, the sorts of things that people expect to come standard. The fact that they often don’t is something of an indictment on how men are raised and taught, sure, but it’s not going to bring someone in.

If you’re a regular reader, then I’m sure you’ve seen me talk about passing The Grimes Test. If you haven’t, then let me run you down a quick version: Grimes is a kaiju made out of toxic waste. He’s relatively cute as far as toxic waste monsters go, he has a job, he has is own place to live, but he doesn’t have much of a life outside of work. Grimes has never hit a woman, he’s never harassed her or sent pictures of his genitals to someone without their express consent. The Grimes test is this: what do you have going for you that Grimes doesn’t already have, that would make women want to date you instead of Grimes?

What you’ve described about yourself thus far doesn’t pass the Grimes Test precisely because it’s very much about an absence of negatives, rather than an abundance of positives. Grimes is the baseline; you want to date, then you need to do more than the baseline.If you want people to want to date you, you have to bring things to the table that go beyond just inherent qualities.

To put it another way, it’s a little like the quote from Glengarry Glen Ross: “Nice guy? I don’t give a s--t. Good father? F--k you, go home and play with your kids. You want to work here, close.” 

You aren’t closing. You aren’t demonstrating to people why they should like you or want to talk to you. You have to do things that actually bring value to their lives – things that aren’t just “sit there and listen while you talk about your day”.

If we go through the list of things you’ve done, I see a list of places you’ve gone and hung out. I don’t see you saying “and while I was there, I talked to X people, made Y connections, invited Z people to do things”. I see you say that nothing “happens”, or that women don’t approach you or ignore you in group situations. And that’s the wrong way of looking at things.

You can’t wait for folks to do the work for you. Yes, having women approach you is nice when it happens – and there’re certainly ways to increase the odds of it happening – but you can’t rely on it. You have to be willing to take the initiative, take risks and put yourself in a place to get rejected.

Now, I can hear you, and other guys like you, say “well how do I do that?” And so let’s take a theoretical example from your list of activities… the board game group, let’s say. You go to one for the first time and there’re lots of folks there. Ok cool… are you chatting and having fun with folks? Are you making a point of connecting with people, maybe setting up a game and saying “hey, want to get in on this?”  Or are you taking a more secondary role, where you’re waiting for people to ask if you want to join them? Are you being an active participant in those group conversations, or are you just sitting there, hoping someone will ask you questions?

If you go over to people, introduce yourself, get to know them a bit, that’s going to work far better than hoping that they notice you or bring you in. That’s going to signal that you have confidence and belief in your own value. If you’re waiting for other people to do that for you, then you’re not showing what you actually bring to the table.

Similarly, being the person to invite others to play a game goes a very long way towards establishing yourself as someone who brings things that people value to the table. You’re creating a situation for them that is fun, where they’ll enjoy themselves, instead of letting it just happen. If you were to say “Hey, I brought a copy of $GAME, have you ever played it before? No? Awesome, here, let me set it up, it’s really fun,” then you’re creating an opportunity for these relative strangers to have a good time with you – something that is incredibly attractive and appealing. They’re going to associate those feelings with you, because you’re the one who created the situation for those fun times to happen. They’re not going to say “oh the GAME is fun”, they’re going to say “Wow, Lost and Lonely is a cool guy, he brought a fun game we’d never played before.” 

Afterwards, are you connecting with people? Are you committing to coming a second time and a third,  becoming a regular at these events? Are you saying “hey, I really enjoyed talking with you, can I add you on Facebook/Instagram/WhatsApp/whatever?” Are you setting up opportunities to hang out again? Are you saying to people “there’s this cool barcade that just opened that I’ve been meaning to check out, you should come with me” or doing things like maybe organizing a cook out or some other group get together?

If you aren’t, then you’re being passive, not showing what you have to offer and ultimately waiting for other people to choose you and do the work for you. that’s not attractive, that’s not helpful and honestly, you’re not going to get a lot of great friendships or relationships if you’re just hoping for someone to come and adopt you into the group. You don’t have to be the leader or organizer every time, but you do need to be much more active than what I see from guys in your position. 

What does it look like if you’re not being the organizer? Well in that case I can give you an example from my OWN life: how I joined a popular podcast. When Spill.com (RIP) had a fan meetup at a bar in Austin, I went and chatted with everyone, especially the talent – Chris, Martin, Cargill and Korey. Chris and Martin and I all got along well when we talked, and Chris invited me to come chat at the bar where he worked; he had some questions about some animation work I’d done. I made a point of coming by semi-regularly to hang out, drink a beer and talk movies. Over time, we become friends and eventually because we had good chemistry and I clearly had no problem being a chatty bastard, he invited me to be a guest on the League of Extremely Ordinary Gentleman.

None of that would’ve happened if I hadn’t deliberately made it happen. Yes, Korey and the others arranged the meetup and Chris invited me both to the bar and to the podcast, but it happened because I made a point of connecting with them, making them laugh, telling fun stories and generally being someone they enjoyed talking to. I didn’t wait for them to bring me in, I went up and introduced myself.

Now to be clear: I didn’t have an agenda for any of this besides making friends. I just really enjoyed hanging out and talking with folks whose work and creativity I admired. But I was proactive about it. I was bringing value to the interaction by helping them have fun and being fun. And I would do things like help out with cleaning or set up, bring drinks to recordings, put on parties and get-togethers, all of which helped cement our friendships.

Are you doing any of that? Because if not, then there’s your problem. If you’re at a bar, you have to be willing to make the first move and risk rejection; otherwise you’re not going to be able to flirt, joke and have fun. You’re not going to have opportunities to bring people in or show them a little of what you have to offer.

It’s also worth noting that all of this happened over time. When it comes to meeting people – whether you’re looking for platonic friends or romantic partners – one of the most important factors that leads to success is repeated exposure. That is, folks see you frequently, get to know you over time and become comfortable with you. Regular exposure breeds familiarity. Familiarity breeds both trust and affection. Trust and affection breeds relationships.

We all love the idea of love at first sight or a meet cute that immediately leads to dates or something, but that doesn’t happen often. Most of our relationships, platonic and otherwise, come about because we get to know people over time. This helps build a relationship that can blossom to attraction, but also makes you more attractive to people as they get to know you.

So if you’re tired of being alone, then you need to start taking more concrete steps. You need to commit to more than just a one-off MeetUp or showing up once or twice to some gaming event. You need to be proactive about not just introducing yourself to other people, but making connections happen. This could be by organizing game nights, setting up cookouts, even getting people together to do something crazy and fun like having a pillowfight in the park or getting people together to do Segway tours of the city or something. Even if you’re not the organizing type, then you should be making a point of proactively meeting people, staying in contact with them and building your connection with them.

And, importantly, you need to be active in bringing value to their lives and showing what you bring to the table. This may mean dinner parties. It may mean being the person who shows up to help set up the event and clean up afterwards. You might be someone who knows where the fun new bars or interesting restaurants are, or who invites folks to come watch the game or the MMA match or otherwise arrange group hangouts in fun places.

It could mean connecting disparate groups of friends because you know that Dude from Friend Group A would really click with Friend Group B or that Woman from MeetUp Z is looking for work and Dude from Friend Group B needs someone with her talents.

And if you don’t have those qualities or you aren’t finding ways to show them off or utilize them? Well either you actively go out and cultivate them, or you put in the work of figuring out how to make it happen. You may have to think outside the box a bit or get creative… but those make you more interesting, more unique and thus more fun to be around.

Please notice very carefully that the common denominator in all of these is how you make people feel. Part of bringing value to people or showing what you bring to the table is to recognize it’s not about material goods or showing off. It’s about the emotions you inspire in folks through those actions. The better you make people feel, the more they enjoy hanging around you. The more they enjoy having you around, the more they’ll prioritize time spent with you instead of other people.

The more you show folks why it’s good to have you in their lives – even if that just comes down to “you’re really fun to talk to” – then the more success you’ll have. But you have to do it in a way that you actively make happen, instead of hoping that others will do the hard work first.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com