DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a teenager who has a small dilemma: I often get crushes on people or fictional characters who are conventionally unattractive. They can be overweight, ugly, have terrible personalities, or be weird, but often I will have crushes on those people despite their flaws. Usually I will just look past the flaws and focus on the good things about them. This doesn’t apply to all of my crushes, but it is frequent enough that I wonder if it is wrong to crush on unattractive people. Is this weird? If it is, what should I do about it?

Thanks for all your hard work!

Unhelpful Brain

DEAR UNHELPFUL BRAIN: So, funny thing about crushes, UB: they just kinda happen. Despite what a lot of folks often believe – or, fear, for that matter – is that they don’t reveal any deep, dark secrets about you. Getting a crush on someone when you’re married or in a relationship, for example, doesn’t mean that you don’t actually love your partner, or that there’s something wrong with your relationship. Neither, for that matter does getting a crush on someone fictional mean that you can’t “handle real women”, or that you’re not emotionally mature or whatever. All a crush ultimately means is that you’re a standard-issue human with the standard issue wetware that we pretty much all get issued by birth.

There really isn’t any rhyme or reason why we’ll get a crush on somebody. You might realize you have a crush on someone (or develop a crush on them) because you had a particularly spicy dream about them, or because they did something that made you happy or feel validated. You might get a crush on someone – especially a fictional character – because of what they represent to you or because of some aspect of their personality or presentation. People get crushes on folks they know incredibly well, folks they see at a glance, people they talk to once or who they see over and over again but never speak to.

Hell, you may find yourself developing a crush on someone you outright loathe, which can really bake your noodle if you’re not used to them.

The only thing that a crush says about you is that there’s something about that particular person that just hits you in the exact right way. It may be physical, it may be emotional or it may be purely representational, but there’s something about them that tickles your fancy (or other bits). That’s it.

This is why every crush you have will have one thing in common: you find them attractive in some way, shape or form. Now, this can seem confusing to a lot of people; why would you develop that seemingly random infatuation on someone you don’t think is hot, or who you think is an awful person? But that’s the thing about attraction: not only is it not rational but it’s not strictly physical or emotional. Attraction is a multi-axis graph; someone may not be your usual type (more on this in a second), but there’s other aspects to them that appeal to you – their personality, their voice, their behavior, even just the attitude and aura they give off. You may, for example, find someone less than hot, but there’s just something about them that radiates sex appeal to you. Or they could be your mortal enemy and you wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire because you don’t want to waste the moisture… but the passion behind that feeling gets sublimated into desire. It’s weird, often surprising… but completely and utterly normal. It’s possibly distressing, in the event that it’s someone you actively don’t like. But normal.

Humans are basically ghosts summoned by shooting electricity through tapioca and are then tasked to pilot robots made out of meat; it shouldn’t be surprising that we end up feeling weird s--t about other people on occasion.

But I was a wee bit less than truthful when I said that crushes don’t reveal any deep dark secrets about you. Remember what I said about how someone may not be your usual type? Well, occasionally what you’ll discover is that your type… isn’t actually your type. That is, you may not be as aware of who you find attractive as you think.

Yeah, I know, this sounds insane. How could you, the person who gets the 24/7 feed of the inside of your head, not know who you’re attracted to? Well, that gets back to the whole “people are complex and weird” part. There’re a lot of things that affect not just who we are attracted to but to who we assume we’re attracted to. A lot of people, for example, don’t realize just how much social pressure can dictate who we approach or try to date. We believe we’re supposed to be into a particular type of look or build or personality because other people – society, our peers, even just cultural osmosis – have told us over and over again that we’re supposed to be into X type of people with Y bodies and Z looks. But sometimes what we think we’re supposed to want and what we actually want can come in conflict.

A lot of people who are into fat women, for example, often don’t fully recognize or accept their attraction until they’ve matured to the point that they’re able to own their attraction and not give a damn about the “but what do my friends/strangers think?” factor. Others have found themselves pursuing women who fit a particular look or aesthetic – Big Titty Goth GF, e-girl, Girl Next Door, gingers, large breasts, small breasts, etc. – more out of inertia than actual attraction. They were attracted to that type or look at one point in their lives, but their tastes have grown or changed. Because they still see being into that type as part of their identity, they have a hard time accepting that it may have changed.

Or for that matter, they may have told themselves that they’re not into a particular type or personality because they worry about what it says about them. Maybe they represent the opposite of the values they grew up with, or a lifestyle or personality type that they were always told they shouldn’t want.

Weird? Absolutely. But hey, attraction has nothing to do with logic or coherence. As the man once said, love’s not brains, it’s blood screaming at you to to work it’s will. So if you do a little introspection and look closely at the unusual people you’ve found yourself attracted to, you may well discover that what you think you find attractive and what actually attracts you don’t overlap perfectly.

Or it could be as simple as there’s just something about that person that just does it for you and it’s different for each unusual or inconvenient crush.

However is it wrong to get a crush on “unattractive” people? I’d say I don’t understand the question, except I suspect that you’re equating “having a crush” with “need to do something about it”… which are two very different things. Having a crush on someone is ultimately neutral, neither good nor bad, right nor wrong. It’s just a feeling. It’s what you do about those feelings that is right or wrong. If you’re attracted to people you wouldn’t want to date – which is absolutely a thing that happens – then there’s really not a problem; you simply don’t date them. A crush is not a mandate, just like a boner’s not a commandment. You can be attracted to someone and not do anything about it. You can get some pantsfeels for Jesse’s girl, but it’s only a problem if you act on it.

(And, y’know, if Jesse’s girl isn’t into you and Jesse and his partner aren’t monogamous, but now we’re getting way the hell off track.)

If you’re having crushes on people you don’t want to pursue something with, then all you need to do is nothing. Seriously. Just let things be, and the crush will fade in due time. Crushes are like fires; if you feed it, it’ll grow. If you don’t give it fuel, it’ll go out on its own. And yes, trying to repress a crush is feeding it fuel. All you’re doing is reinforcing the state of having a crush on someone. Instead, all you need to do is note it and name it – “oh, there’s my crush on Samantha” – and then gently redirect your attention elsewhere. It’ll fade on its own without any real need for prompting from you.

Don’t worry about those weird crushes, UB. They’re perfectly normal. If they’re not something you want to pursue, then just let them be, and they’ll go away on their own.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I hope you had a good vacation. I’m a longtime off-and-on reader and like how your advice is compassionate and sane, and most importantly doesn’t explain normal human behavior in terms of a conspiracy theory, nor does it degenerate into a word salad of redbulls--t terms by the third sentence. Long story short, I haven’t asked out anyone in 10 years. My first and only attempt was after a nasty case of oneitis dating back to high school. Needless to say, I got rejected and she spent the next 4 years of college spreading rumors about me to everyone in the department, up until the last day before graduation. At one point she tried to accuse me (to our classmates) of stalking her for attending the same classes, which would be right except we were in the same major that I ultimately graduated in. Like what was I supposed to do? Drop out? Like an idiot, I didn’t do anything to confront her because I didn’t want to make it worse, I thought it would go away on its own, and I did not want believe it was actually happening. I did not speak to or of her to anyone at all, and still haven’t IRL. It was so long ago that my current social circle no longer intersects with hers, and I’m pretty sure my own family forgot how bad the oneitis was (or perhaps they’re just playing nice until they need leverage?). Due to some combination of fear of repeating history and legitimate busy-ness with school and later my career, I didn’t date at all. As a matter of fact I could not find anyone attractive either. Like I can find a woman hot (sexually attractive), but I simply don’t have the motivation to do anything about it. Despite everything that happened, I could talk to women as colleagues and even friends, but even there I felt no romantic spark, which is fine by me: your own writing says you can’t reasonably expect to be compatible with everyone.

Outside of work, I do have hobbies I believe are interesting which I regularly engage in. My primary one is historical collecting which mostly amounts to extreme thrifting on top of the usual eBay bidding wars. There’s also the research and networking component, and I have made many interesting contacts all over the world who have done some really neat things through this hobby, but their stories aren’t my stories. Collecting is the most “interesting” thing about me (I can do a few other things too), especially given that any historical interest is rare and unexpected among people in my field and of my ethnicity, but I have a hard time talking about it to others since I have gotten serious flak for it in the past. It went far beyond the typical high school tier “lol what a NNNNNNEEEEERRRRRRRDDDDDDDD” bulls--t, though I’ve had my share of that. Once it got to the point where I had to hire a lawyer to defend myself when my collecting was used as evidence for a criminal legal proceeding stemming from a workplace dispute (can’t go into more specifics here; lawyers are expensive). Fortunately I didn’t become a headline since it was a false accusation. I’m far away from the workplace that pulled that on me, but I still have the scars.

Logically, I know I shouldn’t let these bad experiences define me, especially because the people I am around at work now seem to be positive and accepting, but I just can’t forget no matter what I do. Besides, if I “forget” those hard lessons, then those years would have been an even bigger waste. Most my collecting contacts are in stable relationships, many married with children even, so again, logically this hobby isn’t damning by itself. I think I have stories, but I have no idea how to present them in a positive way, meaning they can’t be told. I am certainly aware that many high fashion brands blatantly rip off vintage garments, and I know enough to dress like I just walked out of a history book or period drama, though there are few situations where LARPing in public are acceptable. I am aware of reenactments, but there have been none nearby me now for over 10 years at this point (I would have to travel across the country), and no real desire to re-start since the majority of the reenactors themselves aged out of the free time and fitness for physical activity range and because everyone’s so wary of negative press if the wannabe Nazis show up (I expect you’ll see some of them in the comments section; I also disavow and condemn any and all racist, genocidal, and extremist ideologies including but not exclusive to fascism and Nazism, so spare me your “weasel words” accusations, please). The pandemic didn’t help either. I do wear more normal-looking items (usually something like a jacket) out, but nobody has ever noticed, which is kind of the point of looking normal, and from my experience people rarely comment on each others’ clothes. Anyways, if I somehow get a relationship, eventually she’s going to have to find out what I do for fun, and what happened in the past.

I would love to find a Marion to my Indiana Jones (perhaps an over-exaggeration), but I can’t seem to open up enough to make this work. Writing this out makes me realize my problem is presentation, and I’ve read your article about it (Talkin’ Nerdy), but I’m having a hard time finding an appropriate angle. How should I talk about my hobbies in a way that won’t bring out the pitchforks and torches?

The Past is a Foreign Country

DEAR THE PAST IS A FOREIGN COUNTRY: Let me start by making a suggestion, TPFC:  stop playing coy by dancing around your hobbies or using creatively descriptive phrasing in order to avoid saying precisely what your hobbies are. I realize you’re hoping to get advice that isn’t colored or influenced by the polarizing nature of your interests, but the fact of the matter is that you can’t divest your hobbies from the social stigma that comes with them. It’s going to be a major factor in dictating who’s interested in you and who isn’t, who’s willing to date you and who isn’t and trying to play word games by implying things without actually saying it not only makes it harder to give you effective advice (and let’s be real, advice you don’t want to hear) and it’s frankly kind of insulting to do this when it’s pretty clear what you mean.

If we go strictly by the way you’ve laid things out, with no further information, then just about everyone is going to understandably presume that your collection is down to two possibilities: the Confederacy or Nazi memorabilia and artifacts and either Civil War or WWII LARPing.

And my money, based on “extreme thrifting” and “used as evidence against me in criminal proceedings”, would be that it’s Nazi s--t.

Now, maybe I’m wrong. And if so, then you can safely tone down my advice by about 25% or so in intensity. It’ll still apply, just not as loudly. But if I AM wrong… well, that’s an example of why you need to be straight about what exactly it is that you’re talking about. If you were talking about My Little Pony collections or being a member of the 501st Legion, then all this coy wordplay just makes things even worse in the minds of people you’re talking to. Talking about something that may not be mainstream or typical for a person your age and gender like it’s this huge horrific thing is only going to prime folks for a huge negative reaction that the reveal isn’t necessarily going to undo. Part about talking about your nerdy interests is about being able to talk about them to other people without shame or apology.

I read comics, watch cartoons and play video games. For a long while, that made dating tricky because folks would see that and assume that I was an overgrown manchild. And while an argument could still be made (hey, growing older is inevitable, growing up is optional), I would explain to folks precisely why I enjoy those hobbies instead of treating them like a mark of shame. There were folks who would never see those interests as anything other than kid s--t, there were folks who shared my interests who were thrilled to meet me, and there were folks who didn’t share my interests but could at least understand my enjoyment of them and appreciate that they brought joy to my life. Sorting people like this made it much easier to connect with the people who were right for me and skip over the ones who weren’t.

But owning your interests also means understanding how your hobbies and habits can affect your life and others. I know people who, for example, breed rare cockroaches, or who raise venomous reptiles. I know others who do taxidermy or collect animal bones or preserved insects or obscure vintage medical instruments. They’ve long accepted that this is going to be a limit on who comes into their lives. They understood that the squick factor is going to be high for a lot of people who don’t “get” it. They’ll explain their interest in it – even if the explanation is “yeah, I’m just really into morbid s--t” – but they also accept that this means they’re going to be an acquired taste for someone who isn’t also strange or unusual. Fortunately for them, the goth community’s pretty sizable, and their interests, while weird and squicky, aren’t that outré. In fact, there’re a number of sizable faires and conventions that are specifically for selling and trading such items.

If we go back to… well, me, then a lot of my choices mean accepting the consequences. I am very visibly tattooed, including the tattoos on the backs of my hands. Those are going to put a lot of folks off, and I knew it when I got them. That was always going to be part of the tradeoff. But if my hobbies and collections were getting to the point that they were creating issues in other areas then I couldn’t feasibly say that it’s not fair for folks to judge me poorly for it. if I were collecting comics to the point that I no longer had room in my home for things like, say, furniture? Yeah, that’s going to make people think about me in a less positive light. If my home looked like Attic Salt or Hot Topic exploded in it? That’s going to affect my dating prospects. And if my interests involved rocking symbols of hatred or paraphernalia associated with a community of bigots or philosophy of genocide, then people are going to rightfully feel like maybe they want nothing to do with me.

No, it’s not fair. Sometimes it’s not even reasonable. I grew up in the height of the (first) Satanic Panic. My playing D&D came very close to getting me suspended or expelled in middle-school. Thankfully if it had gone further than vague threats, my parents would’ve made sure they had a fight on their hands, but it was a risk that came from wanting to play a game with my friends.

Yes, there’re some areas where the association between the distastefulness of the thing and actual danger are vague or even nonexistent. The folks who’re into vore aren’t going to actually try to swallow people whole. People who have ravishment fantasies, do age play or hardcore BDSM get a lot of side-eye and suspicion – even having those interests used against them – but those are areas where the hype, fueled by the distastefulness of it outweighs the reality of how dangerous those people really are. And to be sure, these have been actively used against people in courts of law; divorce proceedings, child custody hearings, even criminal complaints where no actual crime had been committed.

But in a time when Nazis are marching again and openly-admitted fascists are running for political office, it’s entirely understandable that folks are going to see having a collection of Nazi s--t is going to make them think twice about wanting anything to do with you. You can’t just throw your hands up and say “it’s unfair for folks to think badly of me because of this.” Your collection, hobbies and the way you dress are all choices that you’ve made, and while you may not intend it, those choices signal to others that you’re at least somewhat in alignment with those values.

Is that fair? Possibly not. But part of understanding the social context means recognizing that people are going to have reservations about people who are willingly associating themselves with symbology that tends to indicate alignment with those philosophies. If I wear Doc Martens with red laces, people are going to assume, not unreasonably, that I’m not just racist but a violent racist. If I wear certain Fred Perry polos, people would have every reason to believe that I was signaling my membership in the Proud Boys, even if I was just wearing it because the colors look good with my complexion. Someone may be a sweet and wonderful person, but if I see them rocking a Thor’s hammer, raven and rune tattoos and an undercut, I’m gonna require some really persuasive explanations and a fair amount of evidence before I accept that they’re just really into their Scandinavian heritage and not a member of Wolves of Vinland or something.

S--t, my love of heavy metal means I spend a LOT of time Googling “band name + white power” and “band name + nazi” whenever I start getting into a new band. Even stuff I know isn’t connected but sounds like it could be gets me tense.

Being into something means that you accept responsibility and ownership for liking it, especially if it’s problematic or worse. That’s just life. If you want to try to, say, reclaim the fedora or trilby, then you’re going to have to own the fact that wearing those hats sends a particular message to people around you. If you’re going to collect Nazi s--t, you’re going to have to deal with folks assuming that you believe Nazi s--t until proven otherwise.

And if I’m being honest? It doesn’t sound like you do a lot of owning your choices or taking responsibility for making them. Your letter has a lot of “it’s unfair, what else am I supposed to do?” in it, including in places where there was a lot you could do. Being willing to say “ok, this situation sucks and I’m sorry to have caused it or contributed to it” – even if you feel it’s completely unfair or unreasonable – is important, as is doing your best to avoid making things worse. And quite frankly, if my hobby was being used as evidence in court against me on criminal charges… I’d be putting some serious thought into how much that hobby means to me. Especially if it were something that was already making people deeply uncomfortable.

So what do you do about all of this?

Well to start with, I would suggest is to start deciding how important this hobby is to you and do your best to pull out of the sunk-cost fallacy you’ve found yourself in. You say “if I “forget” those hard lessons, then those years would have been an even bigger waste.” Ok… how so? What was so valuable or important about those lessons that you need to hold onto them or that you’ve learned from them? What is it about your collection that’s so important that you’re not willing to say “maybe I need to let this go?” There’re a lot of things in my life that I’ve enjoyed that I’ve looked at and said “maybe it’s time to let this be in my past instead of my present”, and other things that I’ve looked at and said “this is actively harmful to me/people around me and I need to step away from it”. Sometimes it was easy, sometimes it was hard, but each time I had to make a choice and decide if it was better to hang onto something and damn the consequences, or to decide that the costs of holding onto it were simply more than I was willing to pay.

If you do decide that you’re going to keep collecting this paraphernalia – including wearing parts of the outfits – then you’re going to have to accept that the cost is going to include people thinking incredibly poorly of you for it. You’re going to have to quit playing coy and take ownership of your interests and actions. That means not dodging around the topic or hinting at it or getting pre-emptively defensive about it like you do here. If you’re wearing a Reichsmarshall hat or a Wehrmacht greatcoat, you’re already comfortable enough signaling to people that this is pretty important to you. To pretend otherwise in order to avoid being judged is disingenuous at best.

You accept that, if you’re going to keep your collection and keep collecting and letting these interests be a big part of your sense of self, you’re going to have to take people’s responses to it too. You can explain what it is about the items that appeal to you, why you enjoy collecting them and you can try to separate them from the political context – I’ve seen folks talk about the engineering of Luftwaffe planes while threading the needle of “not inadvertently endorsing the Third Reich” – but you’re going to have to accept that people are going to make judgements about you, about your associations and what you believe. You can talk about rejecting extremist ideologies and not being a fascist, but if you’re collecting fascist s--t, people are going to associate you with fascist beliefs. Especially if you only are collecting Nazi s--t and not just World War II memorabilia in general. It going to come with the collections, so you’re going to have to make your peace with it if that hobby is so important to you.

If you don’t vibe with Nazi and fascist beliefs – and let me tell you, there better never be a “BUT” in that sentence; to paraphrase infamous Twitter user dril, you DON'T have to hand it to the Wehrmacht – then should seriously consider finding a new hobby. It can still be based around a love of history and even collecting artifacts; there’s literally thousands of years of human existence to pull from that doesn’t involve genocide on an industrial level from an era that’s still in living memory. But no matter how apolitical you’re going to want to claim your interest is, the associations are still there. Even if some of this stuff has real meaning for you, you have to weigh just how much that meaning has vs. the price it carries. There’s a serious difference between “this is the Luger my grandfather took from a German kriegsmarine officer he captured” and “wanna see my totemkopf pins and SS uniforms?”

Yeah I know. It feels like I’m telling you to change who you are in order to date. And that would be because that’s exactly what I’m doing. Yes, we all grew up on lessons about not changing yourself for other people and why being yourself is important. But there’s a difference between changing just to be popular or pretending to be someone you’re not in order to fit in with the “cool” kids and evolving and growing past things that are actively harming you or causing harm to others. You can say “I’m just being myself” all you want, but we still live in a society, and part of that means accepting the social context. Fred Perry polos may have started out as just another shirt but now it  signifies being the member of a fascist street gang, just as the swastika may be a symbol that appears in ancient cultures around the world but now just means Nazis. You can’t separate them from that context or the associations that come with it.

“You” are a fluid concept; the things that make up “you” change constantly. Sometimes those changes occur without effort on our part. Sometimes those changes occur because we choose to make them. And in this case, you need to choose what aspects of history you want to be part of that concept of “you”.

But seriously, ditch the Nazi s--t already.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I read you a lot, and I think you have amazing advice for men and women alike. I especially appreciate the idea of a pre-date date as a vibe check before you invest a whole bunch of hours in someone who you’d rather just not…  

My question is more practical. I totally get the idea that, for a guy, a pair of well fitting jeans, swapping a ratty T shirt for a nice button down, and spending 5ish mins every morning on general grooming can really elevate a guys overall presentation. My issue is that, as a woman, getting ready for a date takes me 45min (and that’s as streamlined as I can make it). I have gorgeous long curly hair that’s just a bushy Jew fro if I don’t put all the effort (and product) into it. Same thing with makeup. I’m not one of those girls that looks like a different person with a full face of makeup, but I do look objectively better when I put that effort in. These are things I don’t do before I work a 12h shift at the hospital.

It just feels like a lot of work for 15min and a coffee. But the first in person impression is really important and I want to look my best. Do you have any advice? Or do I just have to suck it up and use the time & product?

Thanks!!!�The Price Of Beauty

DEAR THE PRICE OF BEAUTY: Honestly, I’d say don’t underestimate the amount of effort guys put into their grooming, TPOB. We as a gender don’t have as many expectations put upon us, nor do most of us put on a full face, but a lot of men put in considerably more work than “a couple of spritz under the pits and out the door we go”. Especially if we’re going to be meeting up on a first date with someone we’re into.

But that’s us, not you. You have both a challenging schedule and more of a process of getting ready than most men, which, needless to say, can be a challenge. So how do you thread this needle – meeting someone to make sure a proper first date is in your future without spending oodles of time on what may end up being 15 minutes of “thanks, but we’re just not a match”?

Part of this is baked into the general concept of a pre-date date. The idea behind a “pre-date date” is that the meeting up is something you’re fitting into your otherwise busy schedule; the presumption is that you’re between engagements, on your lunch break or otherwise finding time in your busy day to see if you want to invest more time with this person. By setting up the idea that this is a pre-date, something you’re carving out time for, you’re making it clear that this isn’t necessarily your first-date look. You don’t want to look like you just rolled out of bed and into the least offensive clothes you’ve had, but you also don’t want to look like you went to Ulta right before you met up at Starbucks. So presumably someone would be able to understand that this is a mid-range look – more likely to be part of your workday appearance than night-on-the-town.

But as you say: your workday look is no makeup and natural hair. This is hardly a bad thing, but it’s understandable that this isn’t how you want to meet a potential partner. What to do?

There’re two obvious answers. The first is, as you say: just accept that you’re going to be investing the time (and product) on someone you’re planning on only talking with for 20 minutes. The second is, you go in au natural and let the chips fall where they may. You let the prospective beau know that they’re getting you at your frizzy, post-ER shift and hope they’re understanding or into that.

But there’re a few other possibilities to this as well.

One would be to schedule a pre-date date at a time when you’re going to have your hair and make-up on point already – a girl’s night out, meeting family or friends for dinner, whatever your social life may entail. This has both the benefit of not feeling like you may have put in all that effort for nothing – if you don’t click, you’re still going out – and you have a hard limit on how much time you can spend with him. It’s easy to peace-out at a pre-set time when you know you’re meeting up with your former classmates from med school for drinks and catching up.

Another would be to build in the possibility of upgrading the pre-date to an actual date; meet up after work for coffee and if things are clicking, blow off your “appointment” to get dinner, go for a walk or otherwise spend more time with him than you planned initially. If you’re someone who’s good at judging character quickly or who knows fairly rapidly whether or not you’re into a guy, this could work out well; you even have a moment of buttering up his ego by choosing to spend more time with him than whatever your other obligation was. But this still comes with the risk of getting there and realizing off the bat that he’s just not your type or you two just aren’t the match in person that you are on the app.

A third possibility would be to figure out a look that’s somewhere between “no makeup or product at all” and “full face and hair on point”. If, for example, you could get by with minimal make-up – possibly even down to tinted moisturizer and lip gloss – then that might work for you instead of having to do the works. That is, admittedly a big “if”, especially if your streamlined process takes 45 minutes.

At the end of the day, the best thing you can do is figure out what works and is actually feasible for you. You may find that 45 minute prep for a 15 minute meetup to be rewarding, or you may find that it’s a time sink that makes things harder and more frustrating. Or you may decide to  just skip the pre-date idea entirely. That’s absolutely cool too; everything I advocate is advice, not a contractual obligation or The One True Way. Whatever works for you is what works. As long as it makes you happy and helps you get the results you want, then it’s all good.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com