DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a woman in my mid20’s with a rather specific kink: I really, really like being tickled by other women. I discovered I wasn’t alone in this a couple years ago when I stumbled into online content. I remember how happy and relieved I felt at first, realizing there were people like me, and I joined with my own little profile. But a few months ago I realized I was gay and came out – and suddenly I’ve got a new problem.

Maybe I’m just not looking in the right place but it feels like kink communities online – or at least the ones with people who live anywhere close (cross-country travel is not feasible for me right now because I can’t afford it with my current job) – skew HEAVILY in favor of men looking for women, either to tickle or be tickled by. The few queer women I have even met on here tend to be either wholly submissive in this area themselves (I can switch occasionally but like. Not as often as they need) and/or have a male partner, and no hate but I’m not interested in polyamory.

However, the thought of dating someone the regular way and then letting her in on my kink early on in the relationship and hoping she’ll be down to explore scares me way more than it (possibly) should. To some degree I’m sure everyone feels weirded out by a sexual thing they aren’t into at all but I dunno, I’m also into bondage. But I’ve seen people both people that I know and people online, react to that concept very differently. Like yeah some people will still act grossed out or make fun of BDSM but with tickling I feel like I’ve seen a LOOOT more negative reactions whenever someone else (not me, I’ve never had the nerve to do it with someone I didn’t meet through kink online) up the mere concept – at best there’s obviously-grossed-out amusement and confusion, at worst someone flat out says they think it’s creepy. And I even unfortunately know that some people have had that done to them as a form of abuse with no regard for their consent or pleasure, by a previous partner so I know there are people who wouldn’t just be uninterested but actively find the thing traumatic.

When I’m in a kink space or on my own it doesn’t bother me but outside of it the mere idea of admitting this to a future girlfriend who I haven’t met through that community (and therefore had confirmation they’re into it too) is genuinely terrifying. It brings on such intense shame that it paralyzes me. I know it’s a perfectly harmless thing when practiced consensually like any other kink, I know you’ll say anyone who would judge me for this is a jerk who’s self-selecting themselves out of my dating/sex life pool and I know that intellectually but I honestly don’t know if I could ever bring myself to do it. I’m so much more afraid to ever tell a prospective partner I met the regular way about this than I am to tell her I like bondage. I don’t want a girl I like and have started dating to think I’m weird or gross or even make fun of me – worse, I have this fear that in the age of normalized oversharing via tiktok or twitter that even if she acted normal to my face she’d laugh at me about it later or like. Make some storytime about me and how gross she thinks I am.

So for now I feel like my only viable options are either keep this a part of my sexuality that’s only for me even when I have a partner and never get to actually experience it – or keep trying with the online kink spaces that so far are yielding next to nothing for me. Both options feel increasingly exhausting and lonely. Lately I just wish I could be either just a normal ass lesbian who maybe likes bondage sometimes OR have this kink but be into men as well because bi and straight women do not have ANY problem with attention. (And yes, a lot of it is negative I know, and I don’t envy them that, I’m not trying to be insensitive. But I’ve also seen so many meet partners and just. HAVE AN ACTIVE KINK LIFE at all through the community whereas the lesbian side is almost nonexistent – though I also do get swamped sometimes with gross men who refuse to read and understand what the words MEN DO NOT INTERACT mean so it kind of feels like I got the worst of all worlds. This is not just me enviously looking at the few success stories, I promise you, it’s just so much more common for women to be able to meet a partner and fellow kinkster through this than with other women. I know that’s likely because gay dating pools are just smaller in general but this is even more than the ordinary lesbian dating scene.) It feels like I’ll never find a partner who’ll be into this too, or willing to satisfy this desire and it really hurts. Any advice?

Untouchable

DEAR UNTOUCHABLE: Untouchable, you don’t have a kink problem so much as a marketing problem, and that marketing problem has thrown your worst-case-scenario-vision into overdrive. You haven’t so much as started to look for dates or partners and you’ve created apocalyptic scenarios where you either stepped on a landmine that you couldn’t have known about and retraumatized them and blew up the relationship, dated someone who decided to go out with you just to mock you on her social media and now everything is awful.

So the first thing to do is just slow your roll. Seriously, you’re nowhere near a place where it’s time to worry about any of these things. You’ve declared that you’ll never find someone who could satisfy your desire, but it seems that you came to this conclusion because your brain was running around in circles imagining all the horrible things that would happen, rather than actually putting yourself out there on FetLife. And while it’s understandable that having seen some folks’ reactions can throw you for a loop, it’s worth remembering that “a few folks in your social circle and/or online” does not a statistically significant dataset make. That’s more about confirmation bias screwing with you; you notice the negative reactions far more, because it directly correlates to your fears that you’re going to squick people out.

First of all, you might be surprised at how many kinksters are out there – including women who love women who might share your kink. For all the handwringing about kink at Pride, studies have found that LGBTQ people tend to practice kink at higher rates than cis and hetero folks. There’s a good chance that there’s a lesbian, bi or pan top out there who would be very interested in doing tickle scenes with you. The odds are even better if you look for someone to top you in this particular way outside of a committed relationship.

But let’s say that this is something that a) you need as more than an occasional experience and b) within the context of a committed and/or monogamous relationship. You still have good odds of finding a partner who’s willing to give it a shot.

Here’s the thing: there’re two types of kinksters out there. There’re the folks who were functionally born kinky (that is: they discovered their kinks themselves), and then there’re the folks who were introduced to kink by their partners. You’re one of the former. Odds are good – just on pure demographics – that most of the women you’re likely to date are the latter. While you can certainly make a point of connecting with your local kink community (and you absolutely should; more on that in a moment), you shouldn’t look at that as your only option to ever have this need met. This would severely limit your potential dating pool, and do so unnecessarily; queer kinky women already in the scene are almost certainly going to be a fraction of the total queer community in your area. You’re going to have better luck finding dates and potential partners who are currently just into standard-issue sex, but who’re open to some forms of kink.

One of the core components of a strong sexual connection with your partner is recognizing that sometimes you’re both going to do things for (or to) one another that the person performing the act may not get a lot out of, but the person on the receiving end does. Sometimes it may mean a position that really works for them that you could take or leave, or that’s not your favorite. Other times, it may mean indulging in a partner’s kink or fetish or other request within reason. Foot worship, for example, may raise some people’s eyebrows – considering how often it was used as code for “weirdo” and “pervert” – but it’s not a terribly unusual, nor is it a bridge too far for an otherwise vanilla person to indulge for their kinky partner. Similarly, things like handcuffs or blindfolds or role play are areas where I think most people might say “Ok, yeah, it’s not my thing but I could do that for my partner. Intense impact play, electro-stim, suspension and shibari… those start getting into “possibly too much”, while scenes involving breath-control, edgeplay or various bodily fluids would be a hard no for a lot of folks.

I feel fairly safe in saying that tickling, especially being the person doing the tickling, isn’t going to an edge case or a hard no for most people. I think you may find potential partners are more bemused by it, with a “well, if it works for you…” attitude than you’ll experience folks running screaming into the night when you bring it up. In fact, I suspect a lot of the women you may meet aren’t going to even realize that tickling is a kink or a form of domination/submission play. They may be more surprised than shocked, but I think you’re far more likely to find people who’re willing to go with it and give it the ol’ college try because of how much it does for you.

However, you won’t get this response if you roll it out the way you did here. When you’re rolling something out to others, they will often look to you as an indication as to how they should react. If you tell someone about your kink as though you were confessing to some horrible personal flaw or generational curse that forces you to consume live koi fish every seven weeks, then yeah, they’re going to react badly. You primed them to expect the worst, and they’re going to respond accordingly, even if all you’re doing is asking them to tickle your feet with a feather duster or something.

Instead, you want to present it as a value add, not something to be ashamed of and you’re only bringing up out of obligation. This isn’t something shameful or sick or whatever, it’s a quirk that makes you uniquely you, a bit of information about you that means that relationships with you are never going to be boring or typical and isn’t she lucky?

Now, while this is fairly tame as far as kinks go, you may want to give it some time and get to know your dates before letting this one out. Not because your dates need to get used to you before you throw them this curve ball, but because you are trying to feel them out and whether they are someone you can trust. You’re not going to fully eliminate the sex-negative anti-kinksters or the theoretical tiktok influencers who’ll see your story as viral #FYP fodder by waiting, but it’ll give you a better handle on who they are and whether this relationship has legs or not. And if they react badly anyway? Well, you told them one thing about who you are as a person, while they revealed everything about themselves.

With that in mind, it’s still going to be a good idea to make connections with your local kink community too. I’d recommend going to some munches or any open-dungeon parties (if there are any), meet your fellow doms and subs and make friends with them. Having a solid social base who understand your interests and think it’s cool, will do wonders for your sense of self-esteem alone and ease the anxiety weasels ping-ponging all around the inside of your head. While you may or may not find a partner amongst your local kinksters (or even any of the long-distance ones), you may find some women who are willing to top you this way and provide you with the release (er… as it were) of being forcibly tickled. And if you do end up dating someone who is wonderful but not really into the tickling thing, then having someone you can go to in order to get that need met could well be part of what makes that relationship last.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I wanted to ask you for advice regarding meeting new women. From my part, although I have many friends, I only rarely encounter new women that satisfy the following criteria: (a) I like them, (b) they like me back, (c) they are available for dating. This year I have been in zero dates so far and I have been at only a single date the previous year. I know, it could be better considering that I live in a city with over 4 million people.

Usually, I hang out with friends and to be honest I have a lot of them. The problem is that no-one of them knows any girl that satisfies the aforementioned criteria. They live a quite calm life and they are not interested in meeting new people themselves. I have also tried a hobby (dancing) that both attracts many women and which I also authentically like, but people there did not want to socialize. After the lesson was over, they would quickly leave in order to return to their homes. After 3-4 months, we have gone out for a beer only once and thus I was not able to form any decent connections.

Honestly, apart from meeting girls through common friends and hobbies I cannot think of any other way to meet women, that does not involve cold approaching. I don’t like dating sites and since lockdowns are no longer an issue, I think that they are not essential. I think that doing the same things, will just give me the same results, so clearly, I have to try something completely different.

The only thing that I can think of, is to try having conversation with strangers, which is something I occasionally do. However, when I force myself to start such conversations in a day to day basis, then I feel very anxious and stressed. I tried once just saying ‘Hi’ to a stranger each day, which sometimes also naturally led to small conversations, but after 20 days I was feeling so stressed that I stopped it, thinking that all my friends are in happy relationships with people they met through warm approaches. It feels really awkward striking a conversation with a stranger and most of the time they have a duration of 4-5 minutes. In my everyday life I will strike conversation with strangers once in a while, without feeling any pressure, when I want to ask them about directions, suggestions, or when I find them reading a cool book.

Is talking to total strangers (including girls that I find attractive) in events or bars the only way to meet girls? Is this where I should focus? If this is the case, then how would you intentionally practice it ? Just going to crowded places or events and strike up conversations, like an exposure therapy process?

Thanks for your time,

Warm Approacher

DEAR WARM APPROACHER: I realize that this isn’t the point of your letter, WA, but your three-part criteria leaps out at me. I know there’s a lot of talk about having standards and whether one’s standards may be too high or too low, but there’s a difference between “having standards that’re just too stringent” and “my preferred gender and alive (and I’m flexible about the alive part)”. There’s a lot more to compatibility and finding someone who’s worth your time and attention than “likes me” and “is single”. I understand how it can feel as though you meet so many people that you can’t “afford” to be choosy, but when you drop your standards to “well they said yes when I asked them out on a date”, you end up doing a disservice to yourself and the people you date.

Now I mention this because it’s directly relevant to your problem. But we’ll get to that in a second. For now, let’s talk about whether it’s better to do cold approaches (approaching people you have no social connection to) and warm approaches (people who you share social connections with, either directly or indirectly).

If I were to be snarky, then I’d say the answer is “both? Both. Both is good.” But while that’s literally true – and in an ideal world, a mix of both is actually a good idea – there’re distinct advantages and disadvantages to either, and which you prioritize depends on a person’s individual circumstances.

On average, we tend to meet our partners via warm approaches; that is, a plurality of people meet their partners either through mutual friends or shared activities and hobbies. Dating apps – which are mostly cold approaches – have become the next most common way, with a distinct boost during the lockdown in 2020. Relatively few people meet their partners through a pure cold-approach, particularly through venues like bars or clubs. What’s also something to keep in mind is that people rarely start relationships with people they’ve just met. More often than not, we tend to form relationships with people we get to know over time, rather than a “love at first sight” scenario. Exceptions exist, obviously, but for the most part, cold approaches are the least common and least-effective way we tend to meet potential dates.

This isn’t really a surprise. What most of us think of when we think of a “cold approach” – the stereotypical “meet a man/woman at a bar and get their number, date or hook-up” – is ultimately an attempt to convince a total stranger to be willing to start a romantic or sexual relationship with someone they may have only known for a couple of hours at the most. The “street approach”, or what some would call “day game” is even less efficient. One would-be pickup artist documented his street approaches and over the course of three years he had an approach-to-date ratio of 1 percent. If you take that further to number of times a street approach led to sex, then you’re down into fractions of a percentage.

(I’m sure some wag out there has done a similar breakdown of their swipe-to-date ratio on apps like Tinder or Hinge and came to some equally apocalyptic number that supposedly “proves” that women have it easier in dating, but dating apps are a different beast entirely, with completely different dynamics that affect people’s success and failure.)

Now, cold approaches do have their place, and the ability to talk to and connect with strangers is a useful skill to cultivate. The skills involved in cold approaches have a multitude of uses outside of the dating sphere, and there will be times when you don’t have a social circle to look to in order to meet people to date. Being able to build relationships with new people relatively quickly can help build (or rebuild) a network of friends and acquaintances, which then makes it easier to meet people via warm approaches. And yes, there are times when you may be in a place where you have no networks to fall back on. But as a general rule, you’re going to have better results (and better connections) by going with a warm approach and meeting folks either through your social circle or through people you have those shared social connections with.

In your case, specifically, WA, you have two significant handicaps. The first is that you have a sizable group of friends, but it seems to be a closed network. That is, your social network consists entirely of folks who already know each other. From what you describe, it sounds like none of your friends know folks who aren’t already part of the circle or have significant connections with people outside of it. This isn’t common, per se, but it’s not that unusual, especially if you’re dealing with folks who are introverted or aren’t particularly social themselves. It also doesn’t help that COVID and the attendant lockdowns meant that a lot of our secondary and tertiary social connections – the friends of friends, the folks we knew to say hi to but didn’t have a strong relationship with and so on – withered and died. If our friends weren’t part of our quarantine bubble or people we made a concerted effort to stay in touch with, then it’s hardly a surprise that those connections faded.]

The second is that your primary hobby group isn’t terribly social either. Everyone shows up, attends the lessons and then leaves. That makes it a lot harder to actually, y’know, connect with folks.

This is an understandably frustrating situation. I mean, you’re trying to follow best practices and you’re hitting road blocks that make it almost impossible to succeed. But there is an easy and simple answer: make new friends and join different groups.

Yeah, I know this sounds almost insultingly reductive. It’s the dating advice equivalent of “Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this”/”Well, stop doing that.” But – and I say this with all seriousness – people often don’t do this. Most of the time, they treat this as the immovable obstacle to their dating life and turn to something less effective because it seems like the only option.

But remember how I said that your bare-bones standards were a problem? Well, adjusting those will actually help you find more places to socialize, more people to socialize with, and find more potential dates. Whenever people ask me where they should go to meet women, my answer is the same: figure out who the people you’re most likely to be compatible with and go hang out where they hang out. And I do mean people, not just women (or men or non-binary folks); you want to go to places where there’re people to connect with and make friends with, rather than treating the event or venue as though it were a sex ATM.

The point is to find people who share your interests and passions, the people who you’re most likely to get along with and whose company you’d enjoy. By spending time in those spaces, becoming a regular and known quantity, you take advantage of both the exposure effect (the more we’re exposed to something, the more we begin to like it) and the propinquity effect (we tend to form relationships with the people we’re most exposed to or spend the most time with). You want to find spaces that are explicitly social because you want it to be a space where people are going to hang out and chat. If everyone just leaves at the end of the event or the class or the game – as with your dance class – then you’re not going to be able to make friends with any real ease. But a hang-out space where your people gather? That’s going to be a much better place to not only build a social circle, but to find people who are more likely to be right for you.

I know you have a friends group already. But here’s the thing: it’s totally fine to have different social circles, even ones that don’t overlap. Having different groups of friends for different purposes, interests or hobbies is totally normal; nobody is going to be all things to all people. Having a diverse set of social circles also means that you have a larger network to rely on or to look to. Plus: your current circle isn’t meeting your needs as it currently stands.

As I always say: if you want to see different results, then you need to do things differently. So, go out, broaden your horizons and find those other areas where your potential new squad are likely to gather. And don’t forget: just because you aren’t seeing people there immediately that you would want to date, that doesn’t mean it was a wasted effort. You may not find your future girlfriend at any of those venues or events… but you may be meeting the people who’ll introduce you to her.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I really need advice on how to be a normal happy person that people will love. What would you do if you found it hard to relate with your fellow anime lover? 

I’m a 30 year old male who has some dating experience but is still a virgin. Something I’ve found hard deal with at times. Just frustration at myself for not being a normal human. But my question is about something else….

I recently went to a anime con here in the UK. You know the best place to embrace your nerd side. To be honest, it was overall not fun at all. I did not know half the stuff there and it’s really messed with my head. Like I just found it so hard to talk with people.

I just found it all so overwhelming. There’s a big pressure to drink and party hard. I went with one friend who knew people while I was more or less there on my own. I did do some cosplay but I’m a newbie so was largely ignored. Other days it was just mostly small talk that felt awkward. I did have some fun chats as well but largely it felt very pointless.Like people naturally gravitated to people they knew. Which yea I can understand but the whole experience was so depressing at times. Both lonely and soul destroying. When wearing my cosplay my body image problems came ahead. I don’t like the way I look and my body which is average at best shows that. I ended up leaving a day early from the con. It’s really put me on a negative spin on going again.

Everyone around me was telling me I would have the time of my life. Seems like the idea of not enjoying a con is unheard off. Everyone loves it 24/7 and your a social reject if you struggle. It’s like if I can’t succeed here then maybe that’s why I find dating so hard. I also feel I let my friend down by not being up to party 24/7.

Thing is outside of this I’m overall ok socially. I have quite a few friends both male and female. I went out 5 times for my birthday with different people so it seems I can make friends. I’m a event host for two meetup groups. I’m also happy to be the center of attention. I mean I even sang a Karaoke song In front of a group of people on stage at the con. I’m out most weekends doing different things and seeing different people. I have a number of friends at work who are mostly women. I can talk to people but find it harder when there’s a drinking/ hooking up pressure around.

To be honest, the con destroyed my confidence in myself like if I can’t relate to nerd culture… what even am I? I do have some mental health issues which have affected me badly at times. Like some scars on my body

I won’t go into detail as it’s above a dating issue. But they def are something I need sort out. They also affected my confidence as people can be very judgemental about this particular mental health issue. I’ve had people call me out on them at meetups in front of people.

I guess I’m asking how do I recover from this? Don’t get me wrong I know it’s 100% my fault for my failure to be normal. I need to improve and get over myself. I just need some advice on what to do. Like how do I enjoy the next con as a normal person? How can I not let my anxiety defeat me? What you recommend I do if I’m not as big on nerd culture. Like how can I more relate to people? Do I need to change everything about myself?

Otaku Outsider

DEAR OTAKU OUTSIDER: This doesn’t sound like a “can’t connect to nerd culture” problem. This sounds like a “you don’t like loud, raucous parties and a hardcore drinking culture” situation. That’s entirely legit; not everyone’s into that, nor should they be. And God knows there’re lots of folks who understandably think that a lot of cons inadvertently put a lot of emphasis on the Bar-Con aspect, which can create unintentional pressure to keep up with the folks who DO drink. So you’re hardly alone in feeling this way.

Now, notice very carefully that I said what you have is a situation, not a problem. Problem would imply that there’s something faulty in you, and there really isn’t. Nor is this a permanent, or definitional issue. It’s not that you can’t relate to your fellow nerds, it’s that you were uncomfortable in this particular situation. Which hey, that totally tracks. This was your first con, you don’t know as many people there, there was a culture you don’t vibe with and you were basically dropped head first into the deep end and your buddy f--ked off for parts unknown. That’s not a recipe for a great first experience, to be honest.

But that doesn’t mean that every con experience is going to be like this, nor does it mean that you’re somehow excluded from anime fandom.

The first thing I would suggest is working on your body image issues. Learning to be comfortable in your skin – regardless of what you look like – is important. If you don’t address that, it won’t matter what shape you’re in; you could have a six-pack that Ryan Reynolds would envy and you’d only be able to see the flaws and be convinced you’re an unf--kable homunculus. But that is a long-term project, one best addressed with a therapist.

For your con and fandom-related anxiety, however, I would suggest a different approach. To start with, you may want to find a lower-key gathering to get to know your fellow otaku. If there’s a local anime club, especially one that focuses on regular meetings and watching fun stuff, that may be more your speed than a large, rowdy convention. It would be a lower-pressure environment for you to meet and connect with fellow fans, instead of feeling like you got tossed into the deep end with no warning and no life preserver. You can also find smaller, lower-energy cons. The larger ones tend to be more boisterous and higher-energy, while the biggest cons – such as Anime Expo in the US – are like Nerd Hedonism or Nerdi Gras, where everyone is going with the intent to go bugnuts. If that’s not your thing, that’s absolutely cool; it’s not as though it’s the only way to be a fan.

Should you decide to go back and give that original con another shot – especially now that you know a bit more about what to expect – then I’d suggest a slight change in mindset. To start with, don’t worry about the fact that you don’t know what the latest fandom obsessions are; treat it as a chance to check out stuff you’ve not seen before in an environment where you can do a deeper dive than you would just on Netflix or Crunchyroll. Go to more panels that interest you; these will likely less rambunctious and less of a sea of humanity than the parties, the dealers room or the cosplay contest. And tell your buddy that you don’t know anyone there and you’d appreciate it if he could introduce you around a bit to some cool people you should know, instead of just f--king off to the bar or the Band-Maid concert or what have you. This way, you’ll have at least the beginnings of a network, rather than feeling like you’re entirely lost at sea.

And if you’re not feeling like you want to try to keep up with Bar Con – again, this is entirely legitimate – then in the evenings, take the opportunity to see what’s around that isn’t part of the con. Maybe take an introvert break and go catch a movie by yourself or meet up with friends in the area at a less high-intensity venue. While yeah, it’s easy to feel like you need to spend your every waking moment at the con, there’s nothing wrong with going off and doing non-con-related stuff. Every time I go to Emerald City Comic Con, for example, I tend to hie myself off to the Museum of Pop Culture or go to taco night with local friends. Getting away from the con can be a great way to recoup some social energy and feel ready to go ninja-running back in the next day.

Just don’t forget, if you’re not comfortable, you can always walk out and go do something else. In the words of Da ShareZone: if it sucks, hit the bricks.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com