DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Ok, so I’m a single mom, recovering from an abusive relationship. I’m going to therapy to help with my PTSD and trauma. Since the break-up, I met a man. He’s been great in many ways, is supportive and understanding, and my 4 kids all like him.
When I was with my ex, I rarely had sex with him and if I did, it was out of obligation, pressure or coercion, and I had to shut myself off and check out to get through it. This went on for years.
So, with the new guy, I have found myself creating a bad situation. Though he has specifically asked me to tell him what I enjoy, and has tried various things to please me, I just can’t find the words to tell him what I want. It’s so hard for me to find my voice and say what I desire. And it’s so simple, really! I like everything he does, I just need him to use less pressure. When he touches me it’s just a little too much and while it sometimes feels good, sometimes it’s too much and I can’t orgasm. So, instead of being honest and speaking up, I have faked it. Probably two thirds of the time, I’m pretending to come. He’s trying really hard to please me! But now, I’ve reinforced the idea that the amount of pressure he uses is good, and that it doesn’t take me long to come.
I feel awful that I’ve been dishonest… and don’t know how to tell him the truth without him feeling betrayed and like all the times he thought I was satisfied were meaningless. I don’t know how to back track.
I’m also worried that he’ll feel frustrated or lacking in some way if it takes me longer to come than him or if I can’t come by the time he does. He has never indicated that, but now that I’ve set this expectation of what works for me, I don’t know how to get out of it.
Is it too late? Have I betrayed his trust too much? Is there any way for me to find my voice, get my needs met without hurting him?
Did It Again
DEAR DID IT AGAIN: If I’m being honest, DIA, I’m not entirely against faking orgasms. I don’t think they’re The Unforgivable Sin when it comes to relationships, and it doesn’t take much to see time when they would be handy or even necessary. I think, in general, it’s better to just advocate for your pleasure and to be honest with your partner and that sex doesn’t necessarily need to be orgasm-focused to be pleasurable… but I don’t think faking it is The Great Betrayal that you’re worried about.
This is especially true considering your past partner. You were in a tough situation and an abusive relationship, and this left its marks on you. It’s hard to feel empowered to say what you need from your partner when you’re used to having to disassociate to get through things. Circumstances with your ex meant that you created patterns that were necessary for your safety. Now you’re in a place where those patterns and habits no longer serve you the way they used to; you’re more than entitled to forgive yourself for this, in no small part because it can be hard to break out of those grooves when you’ve been in them for years.
But hey, you’re with a new, great guy! Someone you can trust and let your guard down around! That’s all to the good. So, rather than blaming yourself for falling back into a pattern built over years, let’s take this as an opportunity to start to carve a new and different groove for yourself. One where you allow yourself to actually say “you know what would feel amazing for me…?” Because here’s the thing: if this dude is as great as you say, he’s going to want to make you feel good. He’s not going to feel betrayed so much as “oh man, I wish you’d told me sooner so I could do things differently.”
However, that’s if you tell him you’ve been faking… which, quite honestly, I don’t think you need to. Certainly not right now. Relationships aren’t depositions, you’re not under oath and you aren’t required to tell your partners everything… especially not right in the moment. So I don’t think you need to say “hey, about all the orgasms I’ve been having? Yeah, only about a third of them were real.”
Instead, just focus on the “you know what would feel great?” framing instead. This doesn’t need to be a “hey, I’ve got some notes” kind of conversation; a breathy “a little lighter, ooh yes, like that” during sex or foreplay will be just fine. Trust me, a “oh yes, just like that keep doing it exactly like that” is going to be plenty of encouragement for him to keep at that pressure. Or you might take his finger (or what-have-you) in hand and demonstrate exactly how much pressure you want with appropriate noises and encouraging sounds. Not only will it mean that he’ll use the level of pressure you prefer, but it’ll be pretty damn hot in the moment too.
But what if he asks about the previous times when he got you off? Well, leaving aside the fact that preferences can change, telling him “that was good, but I like this even better” is the truth that doesn’t need the follow-up of “…and I’ve been lying to you this entire time.”
Now, if you want a prediction? I’d say that if you told him exactly what was going on – your ex was abusive, you would have to disassociate to get through sex with him and its hard for you to speak up in the moment – he would completely understand. And I imagine he’d want you to speak up if you need him to do things differently. But again: I don’t think that’s something you need to bring up, and I don’t think it’s information that he needs about the early days of your relationship. Since this is a “you” issue – in as much as you’re unlearning old patterns you needed for your own protection – rather than a “him” issue, I think you’re well within your rights to just let that remain a secret.
So thank yourself for protecting yourself when you needed it, forgive yourself for holding onto it when you no longer did, and focus on helping your beau find a new, better groove. And if things seem a little different or more enthusiastic in bed after you teach him? Well hey, it’s just a sign of the two of you getting into the right routine together.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com