DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m (m/24) a reader for the last few years and I never expected to actually have a question for you but I guess I do now. I’ve got a girl (f/22) I’ve been seeing for a while and things are going ok and I know what you’re going to say so yes here comes the but: I want more than she does. So here’s the background.
Jodi (not her real name) and I had always had a spark or something since we met, but she’s always been in a relationship. Eventually she and her long term boyfriend broke up and I saw my chance to tell her how I feel. She told me that she liked me and she found me hot but she didn’t want a boyfriend right now and it wouldn’t be fair to me because anything we would have wouldn’t be the sort of relationship I wanted. I told her that that was ok, I was cool with whatever and I wasn’t really looking for something defined anyway. She didn’t sound like she was interested so I figured that I could at least tell myself I took a shot. Like you always say at least now I know, yeah?
Well a couple weeks later Jodi and I met up for a drink before going to a friend’s birthday and one thing leads to another and we never make it to the party. We’ve been hooking up when we get a chance, with our schedules that means maybe once a month, maybe twice if I’m really lucky. We talk a lot, she tells me a lot about what’s going on in her life, I tell her all about mine, things are pretty good, yeah?
Now they’re not. She’s told me about a guy whos a friend of a friend of ours and he’s always had a thing for her and now he’s finally asked her out on a date and she’s thinking about saying yes and now I’m stuck because I agreed that we were just FWBs and I was going to be cool with whatever we had. I didn’t lie really, I meant it when I said I was cool with it but I guess I’m not because the idea of her going out with him is freaking me out. I’m literally laying in bed not able to sleep because I keep checking to see if she’s on WhatsApp to see if she’s back from seeing him or I’m trying not to think about them and it makes me want to scream.
So I guess my question to you is, is there a way to get her to reconsider just being friends with benefits? I’m not sure I’m cool with it any more and the last time I brought it up to her I kinda wanted to see how she felt so I said I was going on a date with this other girl I knew. Jodi said that was great and she hoped I had a good time so I guess that didn’t work, yeah? So now I’m stuck. How do I take back being cool with whatever we had and tell her I want her to be with me and not this other guy?
I don’t have a clever acronym or something for your column so I guess call me
Seemed Smart At The Time
DEAR SEEMED SMART AT THE TIME: Oof. Well SSATT, you can take some comfort in my having been in your shoes. I have quite literally been there and done that… more than once, actually. And, well, it’s kind of a shame you didn’t write to me before you made that call because I could tell you from bloody experience: never make a promise that you can’t actually keep. Even if you think you mean it at the time. Hell, especially if you think you mean it at the time. Because you know and I know damn good and well that you didn’t mean it. Not really.
Here’s where it went wrong: you fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is “never tell your girlfriend her ass looks fat in those jeans unless that’s what makes her hot to you”, but only slightly less well known is this: “never accept a part of what you want because you think you can leverage it into more with enough time.” And let’s be honest, just you, me and everyone reading this column: that’s exactly what you did.
This is the reason why a lot of folks have issues with hooking up rather than dating: when two people go in with different expectations, folks get hurt when those expectations no longer line up. And unfortunately, that’s what happened to you. One of the worst things you could do in a situation like the one you describe is pretend to not want what you actually want, whether it’s because you’re afraid that expressing that desire means you lose “power” somehow or because you’re afraid of what would happen if you asked for what you actually want. But as you’re discovering, half a loaf – hell, a fifth of a loaf – is not better than none. Not when it comes to dating, anyway.
Let’s break down what happened here, shall we? You and Jodi have always had chemistry and mutual attraction. That happens. Just because someone’s in a relationship doesn’t mean that they aren’t going to be attracted to other people. But by that same token, just because someone is attracted to you doesn’t mean that they’re going to leap into your arms (or your bed) the moment they broke up with their partner. Just because someone broke up – even if it was a break up that needed to happen – that doesn’t mean they’re thrilled to be rid of their ex and they’re ready to move on to the person they really want. More often than not, they’re gonna need time to process, to feel their feelings and to adapt to being single again.
This is why the dudes who circle around waiting for someone to be single are so obnoxious. The idea of “gotta get to them while the window is open,” and you have to race to get there first like an episode of How I Met Your Mother, sends the message that the only feelings that matter are yours. Yeah, their relationship ended and that may be hurting… but hey, that also means that they’re single again and if you’re not at the front of the line, then you’re just gonna be s--t out of luck.
I’ve seen this happen in real life and let me tell you: not only is it offensive to the person who just broke up, but it doesn’t work like that either. Someone who’s newly single isn’t going to just take the next person in the queue, even if they are the sort of person who goes from relationship to relationship. So the jockeying for position really just tells people that you aren’t thinking about their needs at all.
Anyway, I got sidetracked. Sorry. What I mean is that, Jodi may like you, she may think you’re fine as five Fridays and cute as Christmas, but that doesn’t mean that she wants to date you. She may be cool with banging on occasion – again, she’s attracted to you – but that doesn’t mean that she’s ready to date… period. Even if she finds you unspeakably f--kable, that doesn’t also mean that she thinks you’re relationship material, nor does it mean that she’s going to be open to dating anyone right now. Getting an itch scratched by someone you’d climb like a tree but never actually commit to while you’re recovering from a break up is a time-honored tradition that crosses gender and sexuality lines. The fact that you’re the ride they’re currently taking doesn’t mean that they’re going to upgrade you to a more permanent position when they decide it’s time to date again.
Just as importantly, though, is that while it’s possible for FWB relationships to turn into full bore relationships, it’s not something you can count on. And if you go into any sort of non-monogamous or uncommitted relationship with the idea that you can somehow change their mind? All you’re doing is annoying them (if you’re lucky) and setting yourself up for an avoidable heart break. Because believe me, 99 times out of 100, if you pull this routine, you’re going to hear “…I told you when we started that I didn’t want a boyfriend/girlfriend.” And I say this as someone who’s been on both sides of that particular equation.
You also haven’t exactly made great choices by trying to start a jealousy plotline with your whole “I’m gonna go date someone else too, what do you think about that?” First, you’re under the assumption that Jodi’s going to get jealous and that this is some measure of whether she’s into the idea of dating you. As anyone in a poly or open relationship can tell you: just because you’re jealous doesn’t mean you’re not gonna be cool with them dating someone else. Second, that’s assuming that she’s going to get jealous at all. If she’s seeing this as a couple of friends who’re having some no-strings, care free sexy times and that’s it, then your dating someone else isn’t going to be some earth-shattering revelation. It may mean the sexy fun times are coming to an end, but hey, her bud is moving on to something more serious! Good for him!
Honestly, you’d have been better served to just use your words and say “Hey, I know I said I was cool with whatever we had, but my feelings have changed and I’d like an actual relationship with you.” While that might not have gotten you the answer you want, at least, you would’ve gotten an answer early on instead of staying in this particular status quo. Then, at least, you’d have been free to move on instead of staying longer and getting your heart broken.
Like, y’know. You did.
And here’s the thing: bringing it up now, now that she’s apparently getting ready to start dating (or has started dating) this other guy? That’s not going to do you any favors. At best, it’s not going to get you anything other than a “…sorry.” At worst, it’s going to seem like you were cool with things, right up until she was seeing someone else and now you’re responding out of jealousy. That’s not a great look.
Now if you want to do shoot your shot anyway and see what happens… well, I can’t stop you. Being able to tell yourself that at least you tried may bring you some peace. But if I’m being honest? I think it’s only going to make you feel worse when she turns you down. Because then, not only will it feel like you got shot down, but it’ll also feel like you got dumped because he was better than you when… well, bluntly, when you weren’t ever in consideration in the first place.
Since I don’t have a flux capacitor or a TARDIS, the only thing I can tell you is that you’re going to have to take this as a learning opportunity. You screwed up this time. Now you know what not to do in the future, so you don’t end up in this place again. It’s not what you want to hear, I know… but it’s the best option you have.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com