DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Do drunk texts count? As in, has the deep truth been revealed, or just late night nonsense?
Really Gotta Know
DEAR REALLY GOTTA KNOW: It’s funny, RGK, this is actually very close to one of the openers I was taught back in my pick-up days. In that version, the erstwhile PUA was supposed to go up to a group of people and ask “Hey, I need an outsider’s opinion on something: do drunk ‘I love yous’ count?” and then spin a yarn about how your buddy’s dating someone and got hammered and yada yada yakkity smackity
But hey let’s take it seriously for half a moment. The answer is… it depends. While the old saw is “in vino, veritas”, the truth is that alcohol isn’t truth serum, it’s a disinhibitor. That is, it tends to turn down the volume on the part of your brain that says “hey, maybe don’t do that?” So, if someone has been holding back some deep truth or some secret that they’ve been wanting to reveal but can’t, sometimes alcohol will make all the reasons why they aren’t saying it seem far less important. As a result, if the impulse happens to strike, someone who’s had a few too many won’t have the part that says “hang on, let’s not,” to slow them down.
However, that doesn’t mean that what they end up revealing is the truth… or even A truth. Because the other side of booze and intoxication is that it can turn the volume up on other areas… such as making your emotions a lot louder and more intense. So if someone is, say, harboring a grudge or some resentment about something, but doesn’t say anything because they know it’s unfair or irrational, getting drunk not only turns down the “maybe don’t” part but cranks the part that says “THE AUDACITY!!!!” up to 11. As a result, you get someone blowing up about something, and their drunk reaction may well be out of proportion to how they feel when they’re sober.
And then there’s the fact that booze can also change your perceptions – making it harder for you to accurately read the room or the moment, convincing you that people are responding more positively (or negatively) than they actually are or even to gauge your own feelings or desires, including the potential consequences. So it’s entirely possible that someone will decide to do something while hammered that they wouldn’t do sober, not because this was some secret desire or mask-off moment or whatever, but because they thought it was a good idea or more welcomed at the time and didn’t have the other parts of their brain to say “hey, hold up a second.”
So what you get from someone who’s drunk may not be true, or it may not be true to the extent that they’re proclaiming it in the moment. Or it could be that the force field was lowered just a bit and then the truth came out when it wasn’t supposed to.
But as a general rule of thumb? Take drunk texts as irrational noise that doesn’t mean anything. The later in the night the text is sent, the less seriously you should take it. If it is some deep truth or a revelation of heretofore unrevealed feelings… those feelings will still be there in the morning, when they’re sober. Just wait until they’re a little less hungover before having a conversation about it.
And if they claim they don’t remember… depending on what it is, sometimes it’s better to pretend that you believe them and let the incident just get stuffed down the memory hole.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com