DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So I’m hoping to get the male POV/advice on my ex. We got together during the start of the pandemic and were together for 1.5 years (plus 8 months talking long distance). For the last 7 months, we moved in together way too quickly, with me moving to his hometown. We fought a lot and the restrictions/isolation made it so difficult. I busted him with a fake tinder account (pretending to be food) and also flirting with girls on Instagram. Obviously I dumped him/moved home.

A couple of months later he reached out and over 2 weeks, we were talking about sitting down together/getting together. He was using apps to feel better about himself cause he didn’t feel wanted/secure in the relationship and self-sabotaged because he didn’t know if I wanted marriage/kids (despite me moving to his hometown/him never discussing it with moi). We had a really bad fight that messed with his head too, after a night of drinking prior to moving in, where we broke up for 8 hours. During the 2 weeks of us briefly talking after the (final) breakup, I caught him using dating apps.

When he first reached out he said he wasn’t using them but when I catfished him, he was messaging “hey, whats up….etc”. So he might have paused the accounts, but they were still there and I had to find out on my own (rather than him just telling me). He got confused between those 2 weeks cause I had told him to do his thing over the next 6 weeks (I was starting a new job and said I needed time) and he interpreted that as going about his single boy life. I found out and blocked him because it was all the same stuff again. He said he didn’t meet up with anyone/was killing time and was scared he wouldn’t hear from me.

It’s now been six months since the breakup and he reached out again. When I responded to his text, he said he deleted all the apps and just wants to talk. he said he’s willing to do whatever to get me back and show that I’m the one/he’s ready to do whatever is necessary to ensure I’m the priority in his life. Is it worth another shot? Do boys ever grow up?

My real hang up is that I had to find out the truth about tinder/insta and the dating apps (even tho we weren’t together he obviously should have told me) on my own despite telling him how important honesty is. I honestly loved him so much and I don’t understand how he was so careless. Why is it now clicking in his brain about partnership and wanting me? Or is he just realizing what he lost out on? Is it even worth sitting down and talking in person?

It was a really intense relationship from the start and we never figured out how to communicate/disagree and live balanced lives. We both were finishing school/starting new jobs/figuring out adulating on top of a super intense relationship.

Second Time Around

DEAR SECOND TIME AROUND: I REALLY wish I could’ve gotten ahold of you because I would love to know what “pretending to be food” meant in this case.

Anyway.

As a rule of thumb, I tend to be of the position that the answer to “should I get back with my ex” should default to “no”, STA, unless and until everyone involved can prove to be an exception, rather than the rule. Nine times out of ten, someone is your ex for a reason, and that reason simply hasn’t changed. And even when things have changed, many times people’s feelings haven’t. And that ends up being a problem.

Whenever someone asks if they should get back together with their ex, I always tell them that they need to answer five questions, first:

Question #1: Why did you break up in the first place?

Question #2: Has the reason why you broke up changed?

Question #3: Why Now?

Question #4: Do you miss THEM, or do you miss what they represent?

Question #5: Are they right for you, NOW?

So let’s go through this with your relationship.

Question one is obvious: you shouldn’t have moved in together in the first place. You did the thing that a lot of couples did at the start of the pandemic: you moved in together way too soon – in part because there was no way to know when you’d ever be able to see each other again in person. And, like many couples who made the same decision you did, you realized that putting the two of you together in a confined space with no real way to get space from one another was like putting two rats together in a tiny cage. It was a recipe for disaster. It seems pretty clear that this took its toll on the both of you and your ex decided that the way to deal with his frustration was to go seek validation from strangers on dating apps.

Now, to be fair to him: this is something a lot of folks do. One of the things that makes online dating frustrating is that there are a lot of collectors and lookie-loos, who only want to flirt, maybe get dirty pics from someone but who don’t actually want to meet up in person. But this was not something you were cool with – which is absolutely legit – and the two of you broke up.

Ok, so what about question two? It seems like the answer is… not really. When you two started talking about getting back together,  you found him using dating apps again and decided to deep-six the whole thing. Now, this is the point where I think we can safely stop and say that no, you shouldn’t get back together. Not because he was on dating apps, but because you don’t trust him and you haven’t forgiven him. In fact, this is such a sore spot for you that you were upset to find out that he’d been using them while he was single, and that’s a problem.

While I don’t think that what he did while you were together was necessarily a relationship extinction level event, you did and that’s understandable. That was a line in the sand for you, he crossed it, you decided to end things. Policing his behavior after the two of you had broken up but before the two of you got back together, on the other hand, isn’t cool. You two had split up, you weren’t back together and, frankly, what he was doing with his private life – even when you were talking things through – was his business.

Even in relationships, people have rights to private lives and to have secrets; relationships aren’t depositions, and I don’t think any relationship could survive if we were expected to air every single private thought, impulse, action or feeling to our partners. But being mad at him for acting like a single man while he was single isn’t a sign that your wounds have healed enough to make another go of this. The fact that you decided the best thing to do was to go catfish him, rather than to talk with him about it, is… well, honestly it’s not a good look. And since it sounds like you made the first move when you found his profile, rather than him actively going and looking for people, you basically set him up for failure.

Now folks can, and do, argue about the ethics of this and who was in the right and we can all relitigate what “we were on a break” means and what you are owed from your ex if you’re in the process of renegotiating your relationship. However, the fact that you felt like this was something you needed to do tells me that you don’t trust him and you haven’t been able to forgive him for the last time. That, more than anything else, tells me what I need to know: you aren’t in a place where you can get back together.

Just between you, me, and everyone who reads this column: if the two of you were to get back together, are you able to honestly tell me that you are going to be able to resist checking? Are you going to be able to resist the urge to snoop through his phone or his computer or to create another fake profile and go looking to see if you can find him? Or are you going to be eaten up with suspicion and mistrust and not be able to take him at his word? What, precisely, is it going to take for him to prove to you that things are different enough that you would be able to just take him at his word?

The fact that you still sound hurt, upset and betrayed suggests that the answer is no. And while your feeling hurt and betrayed is absolutely real and legitimate, if this is going to be something that is always going to be having over your relationship like the Sword of Damocles, then that’s not fair to him. Holding onto grudges and old hurts and not letting them go is a great way to destroy a relationship… or in this case, destroy the attempt to rebuild it. If you won’t or can’t forgive and let this be in the past, if he can’t get to a point where you will let yourself trust and believe him, then this relationship will never get off the ground. All that will happen is that you’ll have another round of the same fight… and then another and another until you two just quit trying to make this work.

So, no, I don’t think this is a good idea. Right now, you don’t sound like you’re in a place where you’re able to believe him. This is, incidentally, irrespective of whatever work he may or may not have done; all the self-awareness and work that he may have done doesn’t matter if you’re still going to hold the old wounds against him. If – and that’s a mighty big if – that changes for you, then it becomes a question of “how much has he changed”… and then after answering that, we can move to the next question in the sequence.

And, incidentally, why is he reaching out now? It could be for any number of reasons. Maybe he does sincerely realize what he missed out on and wants you back. Maybe it’s less that he wants you back so much as he wants the familiar, rather than face the potentially scary world of dating again. Maybe six months worth of absence is enough to paint over the rough bits during the lockdown and the hazy golden glow of nostalgia is like Vaseline on the lens of his memories. But it doesn’t matter because, hey, y’all aren’t ready yet.

So for now: no, you shouldn’t get back together. Maybe a year to two years out, you will be in a place where you could talk about it. But for now? I think it’s best that the two of you let this go and move on. No relationship can work when the pain and mistrust is still so present.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve appreciate your advice  and I’m wondering if you can help me with the issue I’m dealing with currently. I am a straight woman (24), and everyone involved here is 22 years old. 

The whole story is long, but the short version is I knowingly slept with a guy who was engaged. I have a acquaintance in my current friend group, H. H had a girlfriend for most of the time I knew him, M. Earlier this year H and I slept together.  H and I acknowledged that we both had feelings for each other and told me multiple times I am super important to him and he is very attracted to me. He used the word infatuated with me. He and M had been fighting the last 8-9 months which I didn’t know until about a few days ago but I knew that they weren’t happy with each other at the moment. H has cheated on M back in high school and broke up with her but then got back together. I developed strong feelings after talking ever single day morning and night, learning about each other and having sex multiple times etc yada yada. 

After we slept together, H told me that he would not and is not willing to leave M and planned to marry her in which the wedding was In 2 months. I told him I’m just happy having him in my life and because I’ve never had someone put in effort to know me and compliment me I agreed to stay on the side. H made it clear that she, M, should never find out about us. I made it clear that I never wanted him to choose between me and her only that I was happy with him. Over a period of time H and I would have sex multiple times and talk on the phone everyday and text every chance we could get. H went to the grocery store after asking about foods l like and stocked up on food for me. He told me he was only practicing guitar to impress me. But with all the sneaking around  I almost started to feel like he wanted to be caught. When M was home he would walk me to my car and we would kiss right in public. While she was downstairs in her bedroom, H and I had sex in another room in the house. A about a week ago, H and I had sex again and M walked in on us. She yelled at him and me and I walked out of the room. Both H and I knew that M had many suspicions about H and I to the point were she told H” I don’t like the way you look and talk to her(me), because you don’t look and talk to me the same way.” M also would make H leave the house with her when I came over to hangout with another friend who lives in the house. ( This house consists of 5 boys which I and them are all friends, M was living in the house with H). The next morning  M came by and packed up all her things and moved out. I chose to give H some space as the family and many there knew what went down and I thought I’d wait about a week then reach out to see how he was doing. M very clearly dislikes me. M and I have never  been friends, just met once, but I’m part of the friend group her fiancé(H) is in so I see H and the boys all the time.

H then blocked me on social media and through phone/text. When my other friend,N, who lives in the house invited me over to hang as I met H through N, H and I sat and talked to which when I asked him why he blocked me and said “I had to. M told me to block you.” I can understand why she would want that but I asked him if he personally for himself wanted to block me as blocking someone usually means they don’t want anything to do with that person anymore.  H said nothing is my fault and he knew exactly what he was doing. He said he told M that he initiated everything and pursued me. But that he and M are trying to figure stuff out and trying to decide whether they want to remain together or not. Therefore he said verbatim “ I am not willing to unblock you until M gives me permission to unblock you or when she is comfortable with me talking to you one on one again”. That hit in a type of way that I still haven’t been able to put my finger on it. It doesn’t make any sense. Why would someone block me, say that they didn’t want to block me but they’re only doing it until they get confirmation from the ex, and if the ex gives them permission to unblock me then they will”. H said that he wants to remain friends and is more than willing to hang out when I come over at the house but he’s not willing to talk to me one on one or hang out one on one until M gives him permission. He keeps saying that he is sorry but that I told him that he always says sorry but never has a reason and that his patterns don’t change. All I get is sorry and he said that that’s all he can give people is a sorry. 

I feel stupid about the whole thing, and have have a lot of anxiety when I go over to hang out that I did not have before. Everyone in the friend group has stated that they don’t think anything is my fault because I’ve acknowledged and communicated very clearly that I have romantic feelings towards H & H also knew from the get go and still knows that I have romantic feelings towards him.  I don’t think anything is my fault I know the role I played and the only role that I played is I knowingly got involved with someone who was engaged and stayed involved with him because I developed feelings for him and I truly believed that he developed feelings for me and I wanted him. He would constantly say that he developed feelings for me and when we talked he told me that he considered what we had a relationship and when we hung out like dates. I truly believe that he generally cared for me I just think that he is confused and I don’t know and what area of his life and I think that he is codependent and I think that he’s not able to make his own decisions to what he wants. He has said himself that he is a people pleaser so I feel like he has been trying to please M and me at the same time and that’s not realistic. 

I’ve had moments after being around Him where I’ve considered giving up on our friendship/interest altogether, but that would mean me having make a decision on  losing/removing someone I cared about and still care about.  I would wonder “what if”. I often feel  angry, hurt, and rejection and I point it at myself because I’m not accepting something that didn’t go my way. I’ve had rejection before and I’ve had a okay amount of break ups before so I don’t know why I am taking this one so personally. Every break up is hard and losing people and people blocking you is hard and I’ve been able to move on with it within a few days but for some reason this one is sticking with me. Like I feel rejected and betrayed but then I tell myself why am I surprised because he did originally say that he had no plans on leaving her. She had to leave him and yet they’re still considering being together. Which basically just means I have no chance and I am just someone on the side that could distract him from his upcoming marriage. I tell myself that time heals everything so I’ve been trying to over the days distract myself by working out and getting books from the library to read but yet the same words keep replaying in my head “ I will only unblock you if M allows me to unblock you”.  Which in a way says to me that he’s saying “I am only willing to be your friend if M chooses not to be with me anymore. If she and I stay together, I am not willing to talk to you again unless I see you in person”. Although time has gotten easier within the week it still plays in my mind how someone could allow someone else to have so much power over them in deciding who they want in their lives. And I’m having a very hard time Being able to frame it in my mindset in a different way where it doesn’t bother me anymore.  And I’m having trouble being able to see it from a males perspective who has been in a long-term relationship. But also in a relationship that he has not been fully happy in. Why does someone choose to stay with someone they’re not happy with, when that person really has nothing materialistic or financially wealthy to offer them. 

I finally got to the point where this negative energy was taking up so much of my mindset and just my heart was pounding, certain songs would make me think about him, and certain movies I can’t watch at the moment. So I eventually this morning messaged my friend, N, who I met H through, and because they live in the same house and N is not really a part of any of this I decided to tell N that because of the whole situation with H deciding to block me and only wanting to see me over at the house until he gets “permission”, I didn’t think that H deserves to be able to see me. Therefore I would not be willing to hang out with H anymore as H & N and I would normally hang out together most of the time. H and N are also best friends and are like brothers. I told N that I would be willing to hang out with him but for the time being I thought it was just too disrespectful to allow someone to get to have me in their life but also block me at the same time. Basically saying “hey I still care about you and want to be your friend but I’m going to block you and keep you blocked”. I told N that I understand that he didn’t want to be in the middle of it and he has been in the middle of it because H and I are his two best friends so he’s basically watching his two best friends fight. But I chose to do this for myself because I don’t know what else to do to control my situation. I can’t control H’s actions or feelings or anyone else’s so I have to try to control my own. And I feel like I haven’t had control of the situation. I feel like maybe I have attachment issues and I don’t like people leaving or ignoring me. I personally just feel like I wouldn’t be able to come over to the house and see H without some type of resentment towards him due to the fact that he is choosing to block me off of someone else’s demand.  I told  N this obviously isn’t the most ideal situation but it’s the only thing that I can think of to allow myself to heal. I am not able to heal while still having in person contact with H. I told N that I don’t feel like I will be able to move on in a healthy way if I hang out with him and H every single weekend like usual. N didn’t respond,  and still hasn’t responded so I don’t really know what to make of that. H told me that he will reach out to me if he gets the OK to do so. I feel like this is just a way to keep me waiting around. Yet in all this craziness I’m still beating myself up because there’s this a little bit of me hoping that H will choose me. Even though I really don’t think that will happen. I don’t think I have a .05% chance of him choosing me. 

And I guess that’s where I could use your help. Moving on in a healthy way. Being able to word anything in a more clear concise and understandable way to get my point across to H. Should I even try to get my point across to H even though I’ve tried many times. Any point of view from a male mindset. Any advice would be appreciated. Because in reality right now either I get over my ego and hang out with both H and N because N( my friend) lives in the same house with H and that’s not going to change anytime soon. Therefore am I putting N in a position where he feels like he has to choose between me and H. Or for the time being should I expect N to respect my decision to not want to personally see H, and if N drops me as a friend it’s for the better. Or just overall how do I go about the situation knowing that either I have to choose to not hang out with one of my friends to not see someone who has disrespected me. Or is there a way that I can hopefully move on, protect my own feelings and heart and emotions and energy, while being able to hang out with N and see H at the same time.  In reality if I want to hang out with N, I will probably see H. 

Thanks, 

The Other Woman

DEAR THE OTHER WOMAN: Hooo boy.

OK, TOW, that was a lot of words to explain a fairly simple situation. But before I get to your question, let me take a moment for a sidebar.

Recently I discovered the animated series Human Resources on Netflix. It’s an animated spin-off of the series Big Mouth, building off the concept of Hormone Monsters and adding creatures for other emotional states, like Shame Wizards, Logic Rocks, Addiction Angels and Love Bugs. One of the highlights of the show is the song “Are You In Love (Or Just An A--hole)?”, about whether banging someone else’s partner is ok or not. The song posits that hey, if you’re in love, it’s all good because all’s fair in love and war. If not… you’re an asshole. The song’s catchy, hilarious… and absolutely f--king wrong. Just because you may be in love with someone (or think you are) that doesn’t give you the right to interfere in someone else’s relationship. Especially not in a way that ultimately just hurts them for no good reason.

That’s what happened. You f--ked the wrong guy. You did so knowing that he had a fiance, that even at the time, he wasn’t going to leave his fiance for you and that this ran the risk of blowing up messily and all over the place.

And oh look, it blew up, messily and all over the place. And now you’re feeling sad because hey, it blew up on you and there’re consequences.

Let’s be real, TOW: despite what your friends said, you absolutely share some of the blame. You knew what the situation was and you knew what the stakes were and what could happen. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely understand what it’s like to be twitterpated or when the sex is so damn good you don’t think about how it’s going to affect other people. But even so, you knew he had a fiancé and he was still planning on marrying her despite everything and you kept on keeping on. And so you f--ked around and you found out… literally.

Actions have consequences, and in this case, those consequences mean that you’re not gonna be seeing H any more. If H and his BFF are joined at the hip, then that means you’re not gonna be seeing the BFF either.

The thing is: I’m not sure why you’re confused about the outcome. H’s blocked you at M’s request because he’s trying to make the relationship work with M. Seeing as she quite literally caught you in the act, I can’t say I’m surprised that she’s made cutting you out a condition of the two of them trying to patch things up. I am kind of surprised that H did so – more on that in a second  – but he’s told you the score. He cheated on M. He broke her trust. If he wants to stay with her, then part of making things up to her means that he has to prove that he’s worthy of her trust again. That means, amongst other things, not deliberately putting himself in temptation’s way… which, in turn, means that he needs to end his relationship with you.

That’s all fairly straight forward. They may well not be a good couple and M may not be a good match for him. This may be a doomed attempt to save a relationship that can’t be saved. But seeing as H and M are grown-ass adults, if that’s a mistake, it’s a mistake they both have the right to make, and your feelings or opinions don’t really matter. You’re certainly welcome to have thoughts, feelings and opinions on the matter, but relationships aren’t a democracy. You don’t get a vote or a veto over someone else’s relationship. Even a relationship that you intruded upon.

Now here’s the thing: H doesn’t really sound like a prize himself, if I’m being honest. The whole “oh my relationship with my wife is SO rocky, I just don’t know what to do…” is a song that’s literally older than steam. It’s the mating call of cheating douchebags everywhere. In fact, it’s such a cliche that  I remain amazed that people still buy it. But clearly they do because it just keeps. Happening. But hey, people make dumb decisions around sex and infatuation – myself very much included – so I get that. But H basically gave all the signals that something was rotten in Denmark. I mean, “I’m banging you but I’m still not going to leave my fiancé” is another cliche that’s old as the hills. As many women before you have learned: if he was going to leave, he would’ve done so. He didn’t because he was never going to. Hell, H had no reason to leave; he was getting to get married and have you as his side-piece. You didn’t so much as make his being in a relationship with you conditional on breaking up with his fiancé.

And look, I know he said he was developing feelings for you. Maybe he was, or maybe he was rounding the “having sex with a new person” glow up to love, or maybe he was confused about what he was feeling. But based on what he was doing? I think he was saying whatever s--t he needed to in order to keep you around. I mean, when presented with the choice of you or M, he very clearly chose M, and did so in a way that squeezed you out. That seems pretty indicative of where his feelings ultimately lay.

Now, under other circumstances, I’d say that his actions speak to a deeper truth. The fact that the two of you were taking greater and greater risks – such as f--king while M was in the house – suggests that he was looking to get caught.If things had played out differently, I’d say that he was trying to slam his fist on the “relationship self-destruct” button as hard as he could in order to get out of the relationship. But when given the chance to end it after all… he didn’t. So maybe he just got off on the risk of it all. Maybe transgressing like this, so openly, gave him a charge. Or maybe getting caught made him reprioritize and he realized that he had something worth keeping with M. Or, hell, maybe he ultimately decided that not ending things with M was the path of least resistance.

Ultimately? The reasons don’t matter as much as the actions do, and the actions were that he blatantly cheated with you, got caught and dumped you. So, all in all? Not a great guy, and honestly, I’m not entirely sure why you’d want someone who treated you that disrespectfully, who treated his fiancé that disrespectfully and doesn’t seem to have it in him to apologize to you for having done this. If he cared for you as more than a side piece, I’d say that he owes you an apology, to say the least, for behaving the way he did, for stringing you along and leaving you out to dry in the aftermath.

Now, it certainly seems like H is getting off lightly, which sucks since he’s committed his own sins during all of this. But that, unfortunately, is life; it ain’t fair, the just often get punished and the unjust often go unscathed. But that’s out of your hands; the only person who you can control is you. And so the only thing you can do is deal with the consequences of the choices you made. This may well mean that you can’t see N, if the only way you ever get to see him is at their shared home. It means that H is off limits and likely will be for quite some time. So my advice? Wipe your hands of the whole mess and move on. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of this relationship, rage a little about how unfairly H treated you, how much this all sucks and then let it go. After you’ve mourned the loss of the relationship, take some time and do some soul searching about the choices you made – again, I stress, you knew he was engaged – and why you made them. The more you can understand the why, the more you can grow so that you don’t make those same choices again.

It’s a s--tty, high-drama situation that is in no small part of your own making. But you’re young, and drama and s--tty decisions are the prerogative of the young. You were infatuated and love makes fools of us all. While that doesn’t make things right, it makes things understandable. However, part of the point of making those mistakes and being foolish is to grow past those mistakes,  learn from them and – hopefully – be better people on the other side.

And, seriously: next time, realize you deserve better than someone who’s not just keeping you as his side-piece, but who’s treating you and his partner so disrespectfully. You deserve better than that, so don’t settle for that.

Good luck

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: When do you disclose a borderline invisible disability when dating? I’m a woman in my late 20s who has finally entered the world of online dating. I was born with a medical condition that causes random muscle twitches. It doesn’t really dramatically impact my life, I just come across as clumsy and occasionally need help with things that require fine motor skills.

I would say only about 10% of people I have met have noticed and asked me about it. Most people either just assume I am extremely nervous. You will, however, notice if you touch me.

So when’s the right time to tell someone? And How? Most of my life, I have mentioned it to people when it becomes relevant. The thing is, that conversation normally happens after a couple months of knowing me and I don’t see that as realistic for dating.

Shaking Up My Dating Life

DEAR SHAKING UP MY DATING LIFE: As a general rule of thumb, I’m a believer that disclosing sooner rather than later is a good thing. However, and this seems to be a theme today, folks tend to treat it as an all-or-nothing affair; they either dump the full details all at once right at the start, or they hold onto it until they have to disclose.

Sometimes this is a good thing; there are some things that people should know about right away so that they can make an informed decision. Being non-monogamous or polyamorous, for example, is something that people generally want to know about off the bat, especially if that person already has a partner – especially a committed partner. Similarly, folks would likely want to know if you have a condition or circumstances that’s going to seriously affect you, them or your relationship together in a significant way. If, for example, you have kids, especially if you’re the primary caretaker, that’s something worth letting people know up front. Or someone who’s seriously allergic to pets may want to know if you have a cat or dog.

However, there are also times when it’s better to run folks on a need-to-know basis, especially if that information is particularly stigmatized or won’t be an issue that will directly affect them. In those cases, I think it’s acceptable to have sort of tiered series of disclosures; you don’t hide that information, but you don’t necessarily roll it out in its entirety right at the start. Instead, you give more information as it becomes relevant or as your relationship progresses. This allows you to gauge when you’re ready to talk about it or if you even want to let the relationship get to the point where you would want to disclose it.

In my opinion, SUMDL, I’d put your condition in the latter category. Since the majority of people in your life don’t even notice the condition – or notice it enough to ask about it – then I think you’re safe doing a tiered roll-out. The first tier would be akin to how you presented it to me in your letter. This is the sort of thing that can fit easily into a dating profile. Hinge’s prompts or OKCupid’s questions offer organic opportunities for that first tier: you’re a little clumsy and have issues with fine motor control at times. The next tier of disclosure – you’re not nervous, you just have random muscle twitches – comes around the point when it’s most likely to be relevant to someone you’re dating: when physical contact – casual or otherwise – is going to be an ongoing thing. This is when you can say “yeah, I have a condition, so I get random muscle twitches at times. It’s not a big deal.”

The benefit to this tiered information is that it allows you to not only decide who gets to know this aspect of you, but also to gauge whether they’re worth letting things continue to the point where you would want to disclose this information. Similarly, this gives them the chance to get to know you as a holistic person. Unfortunately, we live in a society that’s pretty ableist, and many folks will hear “invisible disability” or “medical condition” and stop listening; many will leap to any number of incorrect or even offensive conclusions about you, your condition or what it means to them. By taking things in stages, you’re able to get a feel for them as a person, while not putting yourself in a position where they see you as a label or stereotype, rather than as an individual.

When you do roll it out to them, it’s important to not do so as though this were something shameful or a critical flaw. Obviously, it isn’t. However the way we reveal information about ourselves helps sets the stage for how others are likely to react to it. One of the things we often forget is that people will look to us for cues about how to react when explain things about ourselves to them. If you explain this like you’re revealing a divine curse that had been laid on your bloodline, then people will respond in a similar manner. If, on the other hand, you present it matter of factly – “yeah, it’s a thing, it’s a little annoying at times but it doesn’t dramatically impact my life” – then you’re priming them to see it the same way you do.

Unfortunately, however, there’re some folks who will respond in… let’s just say less than ideal ways. This can be frustrating, even painful at times. However, that initial reaction is often a matter of social conditioning; it’s what they do next that’s a more accurate indication of who they are. Again, this is why I’m a fan of the tiered level of access; this lets you decide whether you’re willing to give them a chance or not. If you feel that they’re someone who’s generally a good person and this was a matter of surprise or unfamiliarity, then you may decide that its worth letting them have the opportunity to power through the initial response and get to a better place. On the other hand, you may decide that no, that was precisely how they feel. In this case, you’ve given them a single point of data in the cloud of who you are, not the sum totality. They, however, have told you everything you need to know about them, and you’re free to kick them to the curb like last week’s compost.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com