DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:

I really thought things were turning around. After 7 years of trying, I finally got a job to start my career with. I also finally felt like I can handle the s--t when interested and asking out a person.

However, other than a few people I work with, that I won’t pursue unless I get much clearer signals, I’m out of ideas. I don’t know where to find unattached women looking to date. All my friends are uninterested, seeing other people, or scattered to the winds. Apps are a s--t show where getting any match (ones who ignore me) is truly a rare day. My supportive friends can’t think of any women they know that I might hit it off with. The places where the women I like congregate are not places appropriate to approach people, especially women (libraries, bookstores).

So, I’m out of ideas. I know the “power” women have is just them making choices like I do, but the fact is, they aren’t choosing me at all. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong to fix it. And I don’t know where to meet women in the first place.

I’m trying to keep following my goals (getting in better shape, maintaining my mental health) but it’s really difficult to continue when I don’t see any way to work on something I am trying so hard on and hold so important.

Thanks for listening,

Lost in the Sauce

DEAR LOST IN THE SAUCE: A couple quick questions for you, LITS: first of all, are you actually talking to people, or are you waiting around for someone to send up a flare or wave you over with semaphore? When I hear men talk about “people aren’t choosing me”, especially outside of dating apps, what they usually mean is that women aren’t either approaching first, or else the men aren’t getting signals to the level of “Hi, you’re hot and I want you to take me into the bathroom where I will drain you dry.”

Second: when you talk about “not appropriate places to approach people”, are you talking about doing approaches, or are you do you mean even striking up a casual conversation?

Both of these are important, because many times, they’re a pretty good indicator of what’s holding folks back.

Let’s take the “doing approaches” part first. This is something that trips people up a lot. One of the things that folks don’t realize is that part of what screws them up is that they’re looking at the interaction as a sudden pop-quiz that’s pass/fail; they need to convince this person – whom they often know very little about – to be interested in starting a romantic or sexual relationship with them the very first time they’ve so much as said two words to each other. This is, needless to say, not how the vast majority of people meet their partners or start their relationships, and treating it that way puts an absurd amount of pressure on you to “perform” everything perfectly.

It also makes things incredibly uncomfortable for everyone involved.

When you’re looking at this from a “doing approaches” mentality, instead of a “strike up a conversation with someone”,  then you’re framing the interaction in a way that isn’t going to feel as natural or authentic to everyone. What ends up happening is that you often come to it from a place of supplication, if you will; you’re trying to ask this person to approve of you and be impressed by you enough to “choose” you. In a way, it’s like applying for a job at a (theoretically) exclusive and discriminating employer. But that’s a bad way to look at dating, especially when it comes to a person you likely have only just met.

To start with: you know nothing about this person, other than the fact that you find them attractive. You don’t know if the two of you are compatible or not, you don’t know if they have qualities that you’d consider to be deal-breakers… hell, you don’t even know if they’re a good person or not. To go in with the mentality that you need to do your mating song and dance routine well enough to win them over when you don’t even know if her idea of a nutritious breakfast is to devour live goslings every morning is to invest a stranger with too much power and importance. Similarly, because you’re coming to it from a place of “please choose me,” you’re setting yourself up for a mental framework where you are seeking the approval of  someone you don’t know. This makes it incredibly difficult to feel confident and secure in the connection you have; it’s an entirely one-sided interaction, where you’ve signed up for being in the weaker position.

Instead, you want to handle meeting people from a position of “Ok, I find you physically attractive. I want to see if there’s more to it than that.” Rather than going into the interaction feeling like you need to impress them or win their approval, you want to see if they’re worth your time. Are they someone who’s right for you? Are they someone who’s worthy of your approval? Not because you should be “in charge” of the interaction or the dominant partner but because your time is valuable, your emotional investment is valuable and you don’t want to spend it on someone who isn’t right for you. If it turns out that yes, there is more there than the fact that they’re hot… well, cool, now the two of you can see if you two mesh well together. Relationships – even one-night stands – are partnerships after all, and they work best when eveyone’s approaching them from a jam band approach. Instead of “You must prove yourself to me” or “I must win your approval;”, you want “ok, here’s what I bring to the table, here’s what you’re bringing, let’s see what happens when we put it together.”

And the best way to do this? Slow your roll. Instead of treating each woman as a potential date that you’re trying to lock down ASAP, think of it as a process of exploration, discovery and due diligence – something too important to be rushed. This means, instead of focusing on “doing approaches”, you just… want to have conversations. Just talking to someone as a person instead of a potential date, goes a long, long way towards building the sort of connection and attraction you’re looking for. When you are treating them as someone to get to know, instead of “is she single, does she like me, ok lets get a date”, then you take the pressure off everyone. Instead of feeling like you need to do your best Fred Astaire impression, you can just relax and engage with her in a way that’s both organic but also authentic.

Now this doesn’t mean you avoid showing your most polished self… but you’re doing so in a way that’s genuine, instead of waving your fluffed up plumage like a lonely peacock. After all, you want someone to be into you for you, not just the you that’s doing the “please please pick me” routine.

The second thing is that, if you’re waiting around for someone to send the “take me now you manly stallion” signal… you’re likely going to be waiting for a long time. Even women who’re looking to f--k like weasels on meth aren’t going to put out neon signs; they want someone who’s not just desirable but also safe… and who would be worth taking a risk on. And as I’ve said before: since women face a disproportionate level of risk when it comes to dating, it’s understandable that they’re going to be more cautious and subtle when it comes to signaling interest.

But at the same time, this feeling of “ok, need to be getting clear UNMISTAKABLE SIGNALS that couldn’t possibly be misunderstood” comes, in part, from looking at women from a “potential date” mindset first instead of a “get to know them and see if I’d want them in my life” mindset. If you’re looking at every woman you see or have around you as a potential date before you even talk to them? Yeah, that’s going to make it a lot harder, especially if you’re not in a place where the social context says “we are here to find potential hook-ups”.

But here’s the thing: while women at, say, bookstores, aren’t there to get picked up… it’s a rare (single) woman indeed who doesn’t like the idea of meeting a charming new friend who likes many of the things that she does. And if that charming new friendship has some chemistry and it leads to something more? Well hell, that’s the sort of thing romance novels and romcoms are written about, isn’t it?

Now at this point I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve been focusing on how you talk to women you may want to date, not where to go to meet them. But that’s the thing: they’re potentially everywhere; that’s part of why I tell folks to go where the women they’re most interested like to congregate. But by treating this as opportunities to be social and meet new people, rather than “go here to get a date for Saturday”, you take the pressure off yourself to “perform” and make it much easier to meet folks. By changing your outlook, you take away the self-imposed “pass/fail” mentality and instead meet cool new people… some of whom you may find attractive. And if you go in with a mindset of being social and charming and open to meeting awesome people,  you make it that much more likely that you’re going to find folks who would love to meet a charming stranger, rather than someone looking to fill up an open slot on the weekend.

So change how you’re looking at this, LITS. Meet folks who seem cool, get to know them and find out if they’re worth your time. If they are, then, see if  you’re still interested in them and give them a chance to be interested in you. Taking a more measured approach may feel like it’s too slow, but hey: slow is smooth and smooth is fast.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DOCTOR’S NOTE — Today’s letter deals with sexual and emotional abuse, as well as sexual assault

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (23m) have always had something of a low sex drive, as in, I just don’t really enjoy having sex or masturbating. I mean, there are some times when I do, but I would say it’s probably not on the level of other guys. I can’t really put a number to it or anything, and it’s not an issue with getting it up or anything, that all works just fine. I just don’t really like sex that much – sometimes I want to have it, but most of the time I’d just rather cuddle or spend time with my partner in other ways. This has proven a problem in my relationships and has only gotten worse after a recent one.

I’m not really too stressed out about finding a partner or anything – I don’t really go out to try and pick up girls because that isn’t really how I connect with people. All of my relationships dating back to high school have come as a result of forming a friendship and the girl eventually asking me out, or asking me to ask her out. I’m just worried that I won’t be able to keep a relationship because of my sex drive problem, since it’s caused trouble in pretty much every relationship I’ve had in the past.

It’s only gotten worse after my most recent relationship. Three years ago, I entered a pretty serious long-term relationship. We clicked on basically every level, and the only hold-up was the sexual aspect of the relationship. She had a very high libido, she wanted to have it all the time and I, not wanting to disappoint, would sometimes just force myself to do it even when I really didn’t want to.

Eventually she kind of got tired of how I wasn’t really into sex as much as she was and would voice that to me. I really loved her and imagined I could have a future with her, so I again tried to improve myself for her. She was really into roleplay and would kinda pressure me into acting out these scenarios that made me feel really uncomfortable – I don’t really want to get into the exact specifics of that, but basically it was a “pretend non-consensual” thing that she had done with other partners in the past and was very into (I hated it).

If I mentioned to her that doing these scenarios made me feel gross, she’d just get upset and make a fuss until I gave in. I don’t really think it was extreme enough to call “abuse”, but she would raise her voice, attack certain insecurities of mine, and on a few occasions she would slap or hit me. Not enough to hurt me physically, but it didn’t really make me feel good emotionally. She was very hung up on gender roles and would tell me that I, as a man, should want to do it all the time and be the one to initiate. Again, I really wanted to make things work with her since everything was perfect outside of this one issue – so I just kind of forced myself to do these things I didn’t enjoy.

Eventually I realized that this relationship, as much as I loved 90% of it, wasn’t going to work out. I talked to her and we both agreed we’d be better off with other partners. But my experiences with her have made my sex drive issue worse.

Months ago, a girl I was interested in came on to me at a party, and she put her hand on my leg. Just her touching me made me think of my experiences with my ex. It really spooked me and I had to excuse myself from the situation. I think that whole thing ruined my chances with that girl, and I’ve begun to doubt I’ll ever find a girl that will put up with my issues.

Recently I entered therapy for unrelated reasons, and I’ve been talking with my therapist about these issues. They’ve given me very good advice, but I still feel like I probably couldn’t initiate sex even if I wanted to.

I’m worried I’ll never be able to keep a woman sexually satisfied going forward. My therapist has told me that I can just tell any future partners about the issues I had with my ex and how they affected me, but I can’t think of a way I’ll be able to breach that topic without looking like some kind of weirdo hung up on a girl from years ago.

I’m already seeing a therapist, but I’ve followed your blog for a while, and I was wondering if you would have have any unique insights on how I can conquer this.

Low Key Low-T

DEAR LOW KEY LOW-T: Alright man, I know you’re writing about your sex drive, but I want to leap straight into this part first: “If I mentioned to her that doing these scenarios made me feel gross, she’d just get upset and make a fuss until I gave in. I don’t really think it was extreme enough to call “abuse”, but she would raise her voice, attack certain insecurities of mine, and on a few occasions she would slap or hit me.”

Dude. DUDE. This s--t right here? This is abuse. She is being abusive. Abuse isn’t defined by “well, did she hit you hard enough to leave marks”, nor is it “well did she threaten to kill your puppy if you didn’t do what she said”. This is someone who’s not just weaponizing your insecurities in order to coerce you into doing things that you don’t like – things that you said, straight up make you deeply uncomfortable – she’s also being physically abusive. You were being forced to do things that made your skin crawl by someone who knew it and who would react with emotional and physical violence when you balked. THIS IS ABUSE, and it should be labeled as such.

Quite frankly, I think one could even classify this as sexual assault, seeing as she was abusing you until you’d give in and have sex that you absolutely didn’t want. Whether it would fit the legal definition where you live is up in the air but HOLY S--T my dude, I am so sorry you’ve been through this.

(Going by some of what you say here, it  seems likely that she’s got her own trauma in her past. That tracks; abuse is frequently a cyclical issue and hurt people often hurt people. But that’s someone’s history, not an excuse for what they’ve done in the present, to you.)

I don’t care that the remaining 90% of the relationship was good. This s--t negates that. So, I’m glad you got out but f--king hell man, I wish you could’ve gotten out waaaaaay the f--k sooner. And honestly, I’m glad you’re working with a therapist but holy hopping sheep s--t, I hope you’re talking with them about the trauma this has left you with. That moment you had with someone at a party? That, my friend, is what’s known as post traumatic stress disorder brought on by the fact that you were being abused by your girlfriend.

It’s important to recognize that this behavior is abusive, to name it, and recognize it for what it is. Not just because of how many men have been in abusive relationships – far more than people realize – but also because you’re taking this as some sort of sign that there’s something wrong with you. It is not. This was something that was done to you, not something that you caused. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Ok? I want you to tattoo this backwards on your forehead so you see it in the mirror every morning. Shave your head if you need the room. THIS. WAS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

I mean, f--king hell man, look at how you’re describing it in those theoretical conversations with future partners: “looking like some kind of weirdo hung up on a girl from years ago.” My dude, I am here from the future to tell you that, were you to describe her behavior to those future partners, what you can expect (assuming that they’re people worth dating) is a dawning look of horror at what she did to you, not “man, why are you bringing up old s--t.”

THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU WERE BEING ABUSED. WHAT SHE DID TO YOU WAS UNACCEPTABLE.

I am absolutely coming back to this, but let’s talk about why you wrote to me in the first place.

You don’t have a problem with a low sex drive, such as it is. If it were the case that you previously had an active sex drive that had either suddenly cratered, or diminished over time, then that would indicate a problem – either emotional or physical. There’re a lot of things that can torpedo a person’s libido, ranging from various health issues, hormonal imbalances, diet, tobacco use, cannabis use, medication (especially SSRIs), stress, depression, lack of sleep and more. However, what you describe seems to be a more life-long situation; it’s not that you used to be more sexually active (in the “have the desire to f--k” sense) and it dropped, it’s that you’ve always been kinda “meh” about sex.

This is why I think it’s more accurate to say that you have a low sex drive, and you’re experiencing problems related to it… but the problems don’t originate with you. The problems are, primarily around recognizing this for what it is, and other people being s--tty about it to you.

What you describe is what’s known as asexuality. It’s estimated that approximately 1% of the population is asexual. It’s rare, but it’s not unknown. Sexual desire and sexual attraction is a multi-axis spectrum, not that different from sexual orientation or even gender identity. Some people have very high sex drives and crave sex. Some have very low sex drives and equally low interest in sex in general. Some people have low sexual drive at first, but that revs up when they get to know somebody and build an emotional connection with them; at that point, sometimes their sex drive cranks into high gear… but only for the people they have that close bond with. Some folks are repulsed by sexual activity for a multitude of reasons, some could take it or leave it, some will get a hankering for sex but only occasionally.

Now, part of the problem is that while more and more people are realizing that asexuality is a thing, the majority of the populace isn’t aware that it even exists. Many times, it’s pathologized, rather than treated as being more of a sexual orientation. People take the idea that someone may just be kinda middling about sex and see this as a flaw to be fixed or a disease to be treated, rather than realizing that hey, some folks just aren’t sexual. For many people – folks who, like you, are just kinda “meh” about sex, even with themselves –the problem is how other people respond. If folks were cool about it and took  it as “yup, that’s just how $PERSON is”, then there wouldn’t really be an issue. Instead, it’s seen as a mistake to be corrected… even if the person experiencing it doesn’t really have a problem with it.

There’re a lot of ways that people get s--tty about it. For some – mostly women and femme-bodied nonbinary people – it’s treated as a challenge. “Oh, you just haven’t had good sex yet. Don’t worry, I’m here with my Magic Dick™ to save the day. Now lay back and think of England, sweetie…” For men, however, it’s often taken as a sign of not being a real man. After all, REAL MEN™ get stiff in a strong breeze! REAL MEN™  want to f--k all the time and would never turn down sex. REAL MEN™  would f--k concrete if they could get it soft and pliable enough because REAL MEN™ are priapist satyrs!

I mean, f--k, your ABUSIVE ex literally said that to your face.

So, in a very real way, this is a classic case of, to steal a line from My Favorite Murder, Toxic Masculinity Ruining The Party Again. If you’re not ready, willing and always able to bang out at a moment’s notice, can you even call yourself a man?

(Yes, yes you can, because being a man isn’t contingent on how much you f--k, how much you WANT to f--k, who you’re f--king or how.)

So the first thing I think you should do –  besides talk about trauma from being abused with your therapist – is to visit the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network at asexuality.org. This is one, if not the largest community and resource hub for information about asexuality and the asexuality spectrum. There’s a metric f--kton of information to be had, ranging from studies to other people’s experiences with being asexual, and I think it will do you a world of good to read up on it. Understanding asexuality, how it presents for folks and how people relate to it, is going to be incredibly useful to you going forward – especially when it comes to your future relationships.

Remember how I said that part of the issue you are having is how other people were responding to this? One of the underlying complications is that it’s very hard to explain yourself to others – including potential partners – when you, yourself, aren’t aware of what’s going on. By being able to apply a label to it, you’re able to put your experience in context, especially in context that other people are more likely to understand. While asexuality is rare and relatively new – AVEN only started in 2001 – awareness of asexuality is, thankfully, on the rise. You’ll see a lot of folks, for example, talking about being ace or aro (that is, aromantic), being “grey ace” (people who are somewhat indifferent to sex or only feel sexual desire occasionally) or demisexual (only forming sexual attraction to people who they have a close emotional connection with). When you can tell folks that you’re asexual, rather than you have a low sex drive, they’re better able to understand that this is part of who you are as a holistic person, rather than being a man with a problem.

Part of why this can be important is that it helps set expectations with future partners. As a general rule, people who are looking for a romantic relationship also expect that relationship to have a sexual component. Letting people know that you’re asexual – or, as it seems in your case, potentially gray-ace – helps them understand what to expect in a relationship from you.

Now, this will mean that there are folks who won’t want to date you because of it. I won’t lie; that can sting. When someone rejects you because of something fundamental to your being, it’s gonna hurt, because it feels like you’re being rejected for being “wrong” somehow. But at the same time, what’s happening is that the people who say “thank you, but no thank you” are doing you a favor. One of the most important qualities to look for in a partner is whether you’re sexually compatible with them.

Sexual compatibility has a number of factors to it. One of them is the kind of sex you want to have and that they want to have. In the case of your ex – the one who abused you – you had someone who was into what’s called  “consensual non-consent” or what others might call “ravishment fantasies”. These are people who get an erotic charge from playing around the idea of non-consent… but in ways that they have consented to. Many call them ravishment fantasies because the idea isn’t that they’re being raped or forced into sex, it’s that they’re being compelled into something that they ultimately want and enjoy. It’s a form of eroticized power exchange, and part of what makes it work is that the person who’s being “taken” (as it were) is the person who’s actually in control of the situation.

You aren’t into it, and it kinda oogs you out. That’s absolutely legitimate, just as it’s perfectly legitimate for the folks who dig it. But that disparity – it creeps you out, but turns someone else on – is a sign that you and they aren’t sexually compatible.

But sexual compatibility goes beyond the kinds of sex you’re into. It also includes things like whether you’re monogamous or non-monogamous, how frequently you want to have sex or, for that matter, how important a sexual connection is to you. You are someone who isn’t that into sex and doesn’t feel a lot of sexual desire. That would mean that if you were to date someone who prioritizes a sexual component in their relationships, it likely wouldn’t work; the two of you simply aren’t compatible.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you automatically can’t be with someone who prioritizes a sexual connection with her partner or who is very sexual. There’re folks in mixed-libido relationships – where one person has an average-to-high libido and the other has a low-to-non-existent one – who make it work. They do so by finding compromises that keep everyone satisfied, which can range from maintenance sex and mastubatory assists, to ethical non-monogamy. There’re folks who even have what are known as companionate marriages, where their relationship is based on love, intimacy, trust and respect… but sex simply isn’t a part of their relationship and they’re ok with that, and they are permitted to get those needs met elsewhere. Those relationships are just as valid, rewarding and important as ones where a sexual connection is prioritized.

So if and when someone says “thank you, no” when you explain that you’re asexual, then ultimately they’re doing you a favor. They are people who you are not sexually compatible with, and trying to force yourself to be who they’re looking for will only end in disappointment and frustration… or worse.

So, going forward, when you look to dating again, you should be clear about the fact that you’re asexual and look for potential partners who understand that that means – both intellectually and what it would mean in a relationship with you. You want people who get you, who recognize that this is something that makes you wonderfully, uniquely you and who value you as a holistic person. Prioritize dating people who get you, who respect you and treat you with respect and who want a relationship with you, not the person they think you should be. Maybe they’ll also be ace. Or maybe they’ll be allosexual (that is, having a more typical sex drive/attraction pattern) and then you can build your relationship together and figure out together what sorts of accommodations and compromises would work for both of you. What you don’t want in a relationship is to just give in to whatever your more sexual partner wants.

And of course, part of why having that label can be important is so that you can understand that when someone acts like your ex-girlfriend does and shames you for not being more sexually assertive, more interested in sex generally and not wanting to do things sexually that make your skin craw, you can understand that they are absolutely f--king wrong for you and should be kicked to the curb like last week’s takeout. Because – and I told you that I was coming back to this – YOUR EX WAS ABUSING YOU AND THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Seriously, we’re not skating past this. I know you said that 90% of it was great but, my dude, you were with someone who thought it was fine to abuse you and coerce you into sex you absolutely didn’t want to have. It’s entirely understandable that you have complex and complicated feelings about this but that was abuse and it’s still affecting you to this day.

I know we’ve covered a lot, so let me sum things up in a TL;DR for you:

It’s not that you have a problem with a low sex-drive; you’re are asexual, likely gray-ace.

You should visit the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network to learn more about being on the asexual spectrum

This will be a “problem” with dating, in as much as it will exclude people who aren’t compatible with you on a romantic or sexual level

There’re many ways to find compromises and accommodations with partners that will work for both of you, and you should prioritize people who will do so.

And finally

Talk to your therapist about being abused and the trauma that it caused. Because THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Things will be ok. You’ve made it through and you’re stronger and braver than you realize.

Write back to let us know how you’re doing.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I write you to ask a question that is on the fringe of what you do, but that I suspect you will have some thoughts about: what do you do when you don’t really want a partner, or at least want to want a partner, but the jerkbrain finds ways to mess things up?

I am a cis-het man who has reached his mid-thirties without having had any physical or romantic relationships. This used to bother me greatly, but after my thirtieth birthday I felt as though a burden was lifted off my shoulders: for the first time it genuinely felt like I would never get into a relationship, and this has definitely had a liberating effect. Even if my cut-off date was entirely arbitrary, my life since has been better off for it.

I should add that I was born with a birth defect that, whilst hardly debilitating thanks to modern medicine, is hardly debilitating (there are people far worse off), it did come at a significant social cost in my youth, and since it is partially hereditary, I opted out having children years ago. I found that women were (to the best of my knowledge) unanimously uninterested in me, and honestly, what progress I have ever made in this field has been negligible.

Now, I cannot claim that I haven’t been fortunate in many ways. Thanks to my being single in my late twenties I was able to go to Europe to get my PhD at a university that, whilst not enormously prestigious, let me study under some of the most relevant specialists in the world in my field. My career has not exactly been flourishing since (thank you, COVID!), but I have been able to combine a steady job with some good university gigs from which I hope something permanent might arise. As far as I’m concerned, if that would happen, I would have what I need to flourish. There are so many other ways that I can be an asset to the people around me, and I have a diverse group of friends and acquaintances that I by and large am happy with, and that I hope I am a net asset to. I therefore don’t ever really see myself returning to dating.

Now, even though I am old my jerkbrain can still be a jerk, and my lack of success with women is still brought up every now and them. Although they have gotten rarer, there are still bleh days where I feel like nothing else than assuming a fetal position and bingeing on Mr. Big ballads. I am old enough to realize that when I’m feeling heartache or Weltschmerz over the situation there are usually other reasons for this. Lack of professional progress, negative developments in other social relations or even poor nutrition or sleep can all manifest themselves as a girlfriend-shaped hole to my mind. These episodes have become rarer as I have grown older, which I am grateful for. Even so, when they happen, they might still linger for at least a few days, time that I would much rather spend working on grant proposals, lectures or articles.

As you yourself has said on numerous occasions: whilst pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Do you have any suggestion how do I would go about to opt out?

Yours sincerely,

Ulraunt the Old Buzzard

DEAR ULRAUNT THE OLD BUZZARD: This is interesting to me, in part because when we talk about people dealing with their jerkbrain, what we’re usually talking about are ways people’s anxieties manifest about things they’re afraid of happening. In some ways, anxiety can be an early warning system, trying to alert you to a problem that’s either in progress, or likely to occur. Other times, however, it’s like a cruel opponent, taunting you with the hints that the things you’re most afraid of are happening, about to happen or have already happened and now you’re about to suffer the consequences for having not noticed yet.

What I don’t often hear are people describing their jerkbrains as something reminding them of a thing they actually want. Or, I guess wanted, in your case. While that’s not entirely unknown – see, also, anyone who’s ever tried to break an addiction or a particularly pernicious habit – it’s not often that it’s a case of someone asking for help in giving up.

Which is why I have a question for you, UOB: do you actually not want to date and to not have these desire bother you? Or is it that some part of you is still holding onto hope, and you wish you could squash that?

It’s one thing when someone is single for longer than they’d prefer, and they don’t want to be. This is when I would suggest much of what you do already: make sure you have a fulfilling life, hobbies and passions that feed your soul, a community you feel part of and a social circle of people who love and support you.

However, there’s a difference when one’s opted out… and especially in the way you seem to have, and how it affects you.

Part of the problem here is that you play pretty fast and loose with relevant details, such as how your birth defect – whatever it may be – affected you, socially. In and of itself, this is hardly uncommon; a lot of folks who have chronic conditions from birth, handicaps or deformities have traumatic experiences based on how people treated them. Although, honestly, a lot of folks who don’t have birth defects or chronic conditions have had similar traumas, especially ones stemming from junior high and high-school; that’s one of the most frequent commonalities I see in the clients I work with and the letters I get. And it does make me wonder if you’ve ever actually looked into getting treatment for your trauma. Not, mind you, that not wanting a relationship is something that needs to be fixed – God knows there’re plenty of asexual and aromantic folks who aren’t interested in romantic or sexual relationships who’re happy as clams. However, addressing that trauma with a professional might well change a lot of things for you that may well improve the overall quality of your life.

This lack of detail also makes me wonder if the underlying issue is that you look at what you think you need in order to date and decided that you don’t want to do the work involved. That’s a legitimate choice. It’s not one I agree with, for obvious reasons, but it my agreement doesn’t make it more or less valid or legitimate; it’s just one that I have a differing opinion on. However, I find that, in general, if that’s a choice you’ve made and the reason for that choice, then it’s better to be honest about that, instead of cloaking it in “well, I had no other choice but this.” Stick with me; this will be relevant in a second.

So, let’s be clear: what you’re asking for is, ultimately, the opposite of what I do here. But since you’re asking me, I’ll give you an answer. But here’s the thing: you’re looking at this the wrong way. The problem you’re having – such as it is – is that you’re treating this as though it were a desire that can and should be extinguished. It’s the idea that humans can just turn off part of what makes us human – the desire for love, connection, and so on. This is something that folks have insisted other people should be able to do, often with heartbreaking and tragic results; all you have to do is look at the LGBTQ people who’ve been forced into conversion therapy to make them less queer or less trans. It doesn’t work; all that happens is that you get miserable queer and trans folks who try to pretend that they’re not queer or trans any more before something breaks.

Here’s where being more straightforward about your choices is important: for all intents and purposes, what you’ve done is taken a vow of chastity and celibacy. That may not be how you think of it, but that’s what you’ve done. And like Catholic priests or many sects of Buddhist monks, this is not something one does because it’s easy, but because it’s (in theory) in the service of some greater good or higher purpose. Part of why this is an important difference is that those who’ve chosen that vow are doing so with the acknowledgement that they’re making a sacrifice. That means, in part, acknowledging that this isn’t something easy to do, but rather something they have to work with (and against) every day. And while yes, the eventual goal – especially in Buddhism – is to overcome that desire, overcoming it doesn’t mean eliminating it, but rather to not let it control you.

So treating this as something that can be squashed for good is ultimately only going to make you miserable. Since you don’t seem to be on the ace/aro spectrum, the desire for that particular form of connection is likely going to be with you for life. Recognizing that makes a significant difference… and that affects your relationship with those desires. By treating this as a sacrifice that you’ve chosen, for whatever reason, then the desires don’t become something to eliminate, but rather something to manage.

And if those moments of feeling longing are something to be managed, then the way you manage them is by treating them as you would other inconvenient emotions. That is: you don’t try to repress or eliminate them. All this does is squeeze them down, like compressed gas. That, in turn, all but guarantees that at some point –  likely the most inconvenient time possible – the container’s going to rupture, messily and all over the place. Instead, what you do is allow yourself to just feel those feelings. You note them and name them – “ah, yes, there’s that desire for a relationship, there’s that desire for sex.” – and let it pass through you without the need to actually do anything about them.

One practice that can help with this is mindfulness meditation. Part of a meditation practice is learning how to notice your feelings without dwelling on them and learning to gently redirect your attention elsewhere. In your case, it would be, say, back towards working on your latest grant proposal or writing your next lecture.

It is significant, however, how much these moments coincide with other areas of professional disappointment. The overlap of professional frustrations with your romantic frustration seems to imply that the two are correlated. That, to me, suggests that part of why these feelings linger is because you still see it as something you’ve failed at or that you lack, rather than something you’ve chosen for yourself. Again, that would make me wonder if you might be better served by addressing the social cost you mentioned earlier with a counselor or therapist. While that isn’t going to magically change how you feel, one way or another, it may, at the very least, make things easier to manage when you can accept this as a sacrifice you’ve willingly chosen, rather than something you’ve “had” to accept because you had no other choice.

But at the end of the day, this is your decision. If that’s what you’ve chosen, that’s what you’ve chosen, and learning to let those inconvenient feelings be and redirecting your attention elsewhere will be helpful for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com