DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a problem and I feel very stupid asking this but… the girl I’m currently dating use to date a bodybuilder and, well, I’m not muscular. That alone triggers my alarms; why would a girl who dated a guy with perfect body want to date me? I can not offer her a good body, I don’t even have abs! So is she trying to date a “low value” man like me out of pity ? I don’t have money, I don’t have status, I’m average. I enjoy reading about history and nerd things, I don’t feel I belong in her category. I mean yeah, I met her because of OKCupid and I sent her a message and after a pleasant talk we arranged a date but I thought that I was in her radar because she saw me attractive but I don’t thing that’s the case now.
Sorry for my broken English, it is not my mother language.
A Sad Man
DEAR A SAD MAN: You’re a little unclear about the exact timeline here, so I’m not sure if you’ve been on one date with her or if this is an ongoing thing. To be sure, trying to communicate complex and difficult feelings in a second language (and you’re doing far better than I could), so let’s assume that this is an ongoing relationship for the purposes of this.
Sounds like you think you’re dating someone out of your league, ASM, so allow me to let you in on a little secret: there are no “leagues”. There are just people who like you and want to date you and people who don’t like you or don’t want to date you. That’s it. If someone likes you and wants to date you then hey, presto: you’re in their “league”, end of discussion.
The problem you’re having isn’t that you don’t seem to be able to accept that she could like you and… well, honestly, that’s going to be a far, far bigger problem than not being Mr. Olympia 2022. There are few ways to blow up a perfectly good and fulfilling relationship by constantly calling your partner a liar every time they tell you or show you that they like you. This is what we in the dating advice biz call “snatching defeat from the jaws of victory”; you’re taking a good thing and tossing it aside because you seem to be unable to accept what someone’s telling you through her words and her actions.
Let’s start with another secret about women: women don’t date bodies, they date people. Now to be sure: people are attracted to various body types. But nobody – and I mean nobody – has a relationship with someone purely for their body. Folks can be hot or hunky and that’s definitely got its appeal, but without substance to go with that surface, the appeal of bodies alone fades much faster than you’d realize. Plenty of women can tell you about guys who are generally regarded as being objectively hot but who have all the personality of a sack of wet mice or other qualities that render them utterly unf--kable.
There’s also the fact that there’re body types that, culturally, are portrayed as and seen as being “in fashion” or are quite literally marketed as being “in demand”, but those vary and change over time. In the 70s, being hirsute was a sign of virile masculinity and the male aesthetic leaned heavily into chest and body hair – witness Burt Reynolds on the bearskin rug. In the 90s, body hair was out; the freshly waxed look was in. The muscularity of bodies varied widely as well. If you look at, say, drool-worthy photoshoots of cinema hearthrobs like Antonio Banderas in the 90s, you saw dudes who were reasonably fit and who spent some time in the gym, but not Arnold-sized body builders or “made out of strips of bacon” striation Hugh Jackman. In the 00’s, you saw a lot of love and lust for men who fit more of the “twink” look – tall, hairless and skinny, whereas now, the look being pitched at dudes is more “too much HGH, too little body fat and utterly dehydrated” muscle of Marvel superheroes.
But if you start looking to who people are actually into – not who people talk about online but who they actually date and have long and happy relationships with – you’re going to see a much wider variety of body types. When women talk about liking dudes with so-called “dad bods”, they’re not doing so for Clout Points because they want to not be seen as shallow, it’s because that’s what they’re legitimately into. Yeah there’re folks who like how Henry Cavill grimes up real nice in The Witcher, or Michael B. Jordan’s something-made-of-iron physique in the Creed movies, but there’re just as many women who want to lick frosting off of Paul Hollywood or think that Kristen Bruun is exactly their flavor of yummy.
It’s also worth noting that dating body builders specifically is challenging. Someone who’s trying to look like The Rock full time is going to be devoting a majority of their time to their build, their diet and their workouts; that’s going to put some pretty heavy restrictions on where and how they go on dates. It’s hard to plan a romantic dinner when your partner needs to eat a set amount of calories and nutrients (high protein, low fat, low carb) at very specific intervals every day when they’re in the bulk phase and highly calorically restricted diets when they’re on the cutting phase. Read some “I tried to get a Marvel Chris body” articles and see just how much trying to achieve and maintain that look takes over every aspect of your life and becomes what you have to structure your entire schedule around. It’s f--king exhausting for the person doing it… imagine trying to date someone doing this.
But here’s another secret about women and body types: they tend to like a variety of bodies… just like men do. Yeah, someone may like a barrel chested dude who looks like he’s chiseled out of marble and abs, but they also like and date dudes who’re built like hobbits because Samwise Gamgee is decidedly husband material. Dating someone with one type of build or physique doesn’t mean that they’re now locked out of ever being into someone with a different body type because hey, turns out women, like men, contain multitudes.
While we’re at it, here’s another case of stating the obvious: women don’t date people out of pity. They especially don’t have relationships with folks out of pity. Trust me: you’re not some lost puppy that she’s trying to rescue, nor are you a charity case that she’s taken on in order to, I dunno, clear up some negative karma or something. If she’s dating you, it’s because she wants to date you. If you’ve had more than one date – and it sounds like you have – then it’s not like she showed up expecting someone else and continued the date to be polite. She know who you are, what you look like and so forth and wanted to see you again.
Here’s the thing: what’s really hanging you up here is that you’re seeing this, not just in terms of “high value” vs. “low value” but without real regard for what she values. You’re taking incel ideas of what women want as gospel instead of considering that maybe she doesn’t see six-pack abs or a prestigious job as being particularly valuable. She might – and stick with me here – be dating you because hey she values what you have. You may not be “high value” in terms of the supposed Six Sixes people insist women want (six feet tall or taller, six-pack abs, six-figure income, six hundred horsepower car, six inch or bigger penis and six months out from the last relationship) but there’s a wide difference between what women want in a boyfriend and what men think women want.
So maybe, just maybe, you should consider that she’s into you for you and you should just take “yes” for an answer here.
But hey, I’ve said this to others before, and I’ll say it here: have you considered that what you’re doing is accusing your girlfriend of being terminally shallow? You, I presume, don’t just date women for their looks; you need substance, not just surface. Surface is lovely, but substance is what makes you stay. Why would you not give that same sort of benefit of the doubt to someone you’re dating? Why are you so quick to assume that women not only are so looks-focused that the only reason why someone would be dating you would be pity? Is she truly no deeper than a mud puddle on a hot day? Or is it that you’ve spent way the f--k too much time on s--tty subreddits and not enough time getting outside so you can touch grass?
Your girlfriend is dating you because you’re you, ASM. But if you can’t let yourself accept that fact and take “yes” for an answer… that may not be true for long. And if that happens, it’s not because you were “too low value”, it’ll be because you had a good thing going and pushed it away.
The sooner you let yourself actually trust and believe your girlfriend, the happier you’ll be and the more successful your relationship will be. Don’t let a good thing slip away because other people fed you a line of s--t about women.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com