DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  don’t know how much you know about gay relationships, but I’m ready to give up and declare myself a “confirmed bachelor,” a quaint term that I might just reinvigorate.

I’m 43 and ethnically East Indian. Also I’m HIV positive and undetectable. That means I take regular meds that reduces the virus count in my system to a level where I cannot infect a sexual partner, especially if they are also on Prep, which is based on one of the three medications I take.

I realized I was attracted to men when I was 17. I came out to my friends first, then my family, slowly. It turned out better than I expected though not to the point where I would be bringing a long term partner home for Ramadan, for everyone’s sake. When I came out in the late ‘90’s I was the only Indian person in the youth group I joined, gay bars and clubs, or in the university LGBT clubs which I was a leader.

I was different (unique) but I assumed I would eventually find a partner and get a dog, house, and live happily ever after. Instead, I’m contemplating a life of being alone. I’m wondering if it’s still even possible to find a partner anymore, or if I even want one.

First, the race issue. Most people I deal in everyday life with are not inherently racist. There are lots of younger Indian gays in the gay village these days. It’s almost fashionable to have an “ethnic boyfriend.” Television and movies have normalized it, but not porn, which still fetishized it as a fringe “dominate the ethnic” fetish. I bring this up because of the dominance of porn and Grindr in the hookup world. I never experienced racism in normal life until I signed up for Grindr and received a torrent of “Not into Asians” or just no response at all when I initiate a conversation.

Wait, you say. Grindr is just for hooking up, if you want a real relationship try a dating site, clubs or other activities. Yes, but my HIV status scares off most “normal” guys on those sites. We might connect on geeky interests, even have sexual attraction, but my status almost always puts a wrench in things.

How did I become HIV positive, you might ask? Well, in my quest to find someone special I started exploring the fetish scene. For the most part, the leather and bondage scene is openminded, healthy, and supportive of any kink or fetish, regardless of race or body type, as long as you are down for it.

However, hand in hand with fetish scene, for me, came recreational drugs. The drugs sanded off the nervous edges, made me more open to trying new things with people I wouldn’t normally be into. But it quickly lead to a catch-22 where the only people I’d hook up with were into the “Party and play” scene, and it took drugs for me to find them hot. Even when we met, I could rarely get hard because a part of my brain was screaming “this is f--ked up and you are not enjoying this.”

So I would spend hours on Grindr looking for someone to hook up with, they would come over, we would spend time finding drugs to get high, get high, and then spend even more time looking for other guys who wanted drugs for a group where often nothing would happen because we were too distracted by the next hot by on Grindr. I wasted many weekends and even missed work on this pointless pursuit.

Then the pandemic helped, I no longer “parTy” nor play, but now I’m in this conundrum. I’m still not attractive to the “normal” relationship-worthy guys that I like, and I quickly shut down anyone who suggests the PnP scenario. It doesn’t leave me with much choice other than celibacy. What can I do to change this formula?

Total Catch-22

DEAR TOTAL CATCH-22: These are the sorts of questions that are the hardest to answer, TC22, because… well, if I’m being honest, the only real answer is “man, I’m sorry some folks suck.” But ultimately, that’s what’s happening here: some folks suck, and that can make like suck for others through no fault of their own.

You aren’t wrong, for example, about the background radiation of racial stereotyping that hits East and Southern Asian men and women and how white supremacy can inform people’s dating habits — including gay and bi men. Similarly, you’re not wrong about folks on Grindr who have things in their profile like “no fats, femmes or Asians”, or the way that people can still be ignorant about what it means to be HIV+ in the 21st century. All of that can f--k with your head, especially when your dating pool is already limited by virtue of being LGBTQ; it feels like a small pool has been made so much smaller that you could reasonably feel like you’re just s--t outta luck.

And, unfortunately, when the problem is “some people suck”, the only viable answer is “look for the ones who don’t suck”. Which, yes, is precisely the sort of insight that is why they pay me the tall Advice Column Dollar.

However, that doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to be single forever. Yes, your circumstances make things more challenging…  but there’s a world of difference between “challenging” and “impossible”. As I’m wont to say: nailing jello to a tree is impossible; everything else is merely difficult.

(Yes, I’ve seen the picture of the box of jello stuck to a tree; it was mildly amusing back in 2011…)

The key, in your case, TC22, is to look to minimize wasting your time and look to meet the people who are going to be the most receptive to you, instead of wasting time looking for love in several wrong places. As you said: Grindr, Scruff, DudesNude or the other apps that’ve become the digital equivalent of the hook-up bar may not be your best place to meet dudes looking for the husband, dog and white picket fence or charming duplex. While there are plenty of folks who find long-term, committed relationships on the apps — same as folks finding LTRs on Tinder or Feeld — it’s not necessarily the most efficient use of your time.

Now that doesn’t mean that dating apps are completely off the table for you, I’m a big believer that dating apps should be a supplement to how you meet folks, not the only way you do so. While Grindr may not be the place for what you’re looking for, Hinge and OKCupid both have large LGBTQ user bases that are more likely to be looking for the same things you are. However, as I said: this should be a supplement, not the replacement for meeting folks in person.

What I think is going to work best for you is what I’ve told plenty of other folks who struggle with dating apps: meet people through your hobbies and passions. Now, in your case, there’s a slight difference in where you should look to meet folks. The queer communities in towns and cities around the country often host activity groups and get-togethers specifically for other LGBTQ folks, so people can find and connect with others like them. So in many major metropolitan areas, you’ll find organizations specifically for gay, bi/pan and lesbian people to hang out, network and, yes, date. So if you look around, you’re likely to find gay skiing groups or gay amateur sports leagues, book clubs, cooking groups, MeetUps… events and gatherings specifically for bringing LGBTQ people together. That’s where you want to go to meet people — not just for dating, but friends, activity partners and so on.

The benefit that these events have over apps like Grindr is that, unlike a swipe-based app that encourages split-second “yes/no” decisions, you’re meeting people in person and building a connection over time. Part of why this works in your favor is because on dating apps, it’s very easy to get tunnel vision. Whether you’re gay, pan/bi or straight, cis; nonbinary, or trans; BIPOC, white, Indigenous,  East or South Asian, dating apps make it all too easy to get so granular and specific in what you’re looking for, you miss out on a lot of other potential partners. There’re fewer opportunities for serendipity on a dating app; being able to specify as many traits means that there are fewer happy accidents and moments of chance. Whereas if you meet people in person, you may meet folks who don’t match what you’re looking for on paper but who are awesome and you’re into ’em anyway.

And just as importantly,  you may meet folks who may not normally be into someone like you — someone who may be below-average height, for example — but your charm, personality, humor and other sterling qualities win them over. This is why playing the long game of getting to know people and building connections and relationships with them works to your advantage. Over time, uniqueness and individuality wins. So taking an approach of “meet lots of people, make friends, see what happens” is a good way for you to increase your potential dating pool.

And going to events specifically for LGBTQ people has one additional benefit: folks who are going to events specifically for queer folks are more likely to be aware of issues that disproportionally affect other queer people. Such as, say, being HIV+. As you said, TC22: you may be seropositive, but advances in medicine in general and HIV treatment in particular means that being HIV+ in 2021 isn’t the same as it was in the 80s or 90s. Because you’re on antiviral medication and your viral load is undetectable, there is virtually no chance of your passing the virus on to an HIV negative partner. If you combine this with your partners being on PREP and using condoms, then the odds of a negative partner catching the virus from you is almost nil.

For those of us who grew up in the early days of the AIDS crisis, this is mindblowing compared to where things were before. There’s been a lot of outreach to the LGBTQ community to help spread this information, especially considering how disproportionately HIV affects men who sleep with men. Folks who are active within the community are, thus, more likely to be aware of PrEP and suppressive medication and, as a result, are less likely to have the same  knee-jerk reaction to finding out that you’re positive.

However, there’s still a lot of ignorance and misinformation out there, and it’s not unreasonable that some folks would regard being HIV+ as a deal-breaker. But here’s the thing: when it comes to socially divisive issues — such as sexuality, kink or serostatus — we often tend to react less to the person and more to the image that’s in our heads. One of the most effective ways of breaking down stereotypes about others is actually meeting people and getting to know them as people instead of as lables or images in our heads. So while there may be folks who have an initial “eeeeeenh” reaction to your being HIV+, being up front and unashamed of having HIV, being able and willing to explain what being on PrEP does and what an undetectable viral load means can make a difference in how folks see you. Your being able to explain your situation, combined with meeting someone who’s looking for the same committed, long-term relationship you are, could be the precise thing that pushes someone off the fence and gives them permission to do what they actually want: date you and see where things go.

Now, as I’ve told other guys in your situation: you’re still going to deal with assholes and folks who can’t or won’t update their mental ideas about what it means to have HIV. However, this is, in its own perverse way, a super power; all that’s happening is that folks who are demonstrably wrong for you are sorting themselves out of your dating pool. Your having HIV is just one aspect of the sum totality of who you are. How they respond to that information, on the other hand, tells you everything you need to know about them.

I’m not gonna lie, TC22: you’ve got some serious challenges ahead of you, challenges that other folks simply aren’t going to have to face. But as I’ve said before: nobody said that this was going to be easy. They said that it would be worth it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I hate for this to be a “can you solve this debate for me and my friend” situation, but I am interested in your opinion on the subject.  

I am of the standpoint that someone has an inherent responsibility to talk with his/her friend if they are wanting to hook up with that friend’s ex. Not to get permission, though that would be nice, but at least show respect for the friend’s history and any unresolved feelings there might be.  

This seems to be a popular opinion among me friends, but there are a few who passionately believe that idea is absurd and if you want to bang a friend’s ex, go ahead.  Any thoughts?  

I Wished I Had Jesse’s Girl

DEAR I WISHED I HAD JESSE’S GIRL: Hopefully I don’t have to explain this to anyone who reads my column on the regular, but you can’t call “dibs” on people, and the idea that “you can’t date your friend’s ex” is actually kind of insulting to everyone involved… especially the ex in question. One of the unspoken parts of this debate is how much this prioritizes the feelings of the friend over what the ex may want.

Telling someone that they’re not “allowed” to date anyone they please because the person they’re looking to hook up with is buds with their ex is… honestly, kinda sh--ty and denies them their agency.

Similarly, dating isn’t a democracy, nor is it corporate employment. Other folks don’t get a vote in who you date, nor are there such things as non-compete clauses when it comes to break ups. Once two people have broken up, who they date isn’t really anyone’s business except their own. Any feelings YOU may have are ultimately, a YOU problem, not a THEM problem and one of the Doc’s first rules for dating is “Thou Shalt Handle Thine Own S--t.”

So strictly speaking, no, you don’t OWE them a head’s up. Everybody can put on their grown-up pants and deal with it.

Now, is it a good idea to give a heads up? That’s a different story entirely.

Depending on how close you and your friend are, and the situation with his ex, you might want to talk to him. If you and they have a casual hook-up, then no, he doesn’t need to know. But if you and your friend are close and this situation with his ex is going to be an actual relationship and that means that he’s going to be seeing you and her together… well, you probably should buckle down and have the talk, if only so he hears about it from you and not as a complete surprise.

Let him know how much you value his friendship and that you care about him, but at the same the same time, you are dating his ex. Then give him the time and space he needs, if he needs any. It’s gonna be a difficult conversation, but you should be willing to tackle those difficult conversations head on, ‘cuz explaining that you’re dating your friend’s ex isn’t going to be the last one you ever have. Or the most difficult, for that matter.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a nerd recently graduated from college (23 years old) in an unfortunate situation. Due to lack of funds I had to move back in with my parents, and the only job I could land is entry-level enough that I won’t be able to afford an apartment for at least a year. My commute into the city is so convoluted that it and my job combined take up 55 hours a week, leaving me chronically tired. On top of that, I left all my best friends several hundred miles away at my college, and of the few friends I had in high school, only one or two are still in my home town (an extremely suburban area with not much to recommend it).

In short, I don’t really know what to do with myself. There are so many things in my life that need to be “fixed” (lack of local friends, lack of relationships, lack of money and free time, lack of emotional development, lack of social interests) that I just can’t envision a proper starting point. It doesn’t help that I’m craving intimacy to an extent that causes concentration issues and depressive episodes (which I’m seeing a counselor about), yet I know that I’m basically undateable until I somehow get my life into better shape; there isn’t much reason I should even try to meet girls or set up an online dating profile, because the fact that I’m a quiet, uninteresting nerd who lives with his parents would set me up for failure from the start.

I guess I’d just like to hear your take on the situation. If you were in my shoes, where would you start? Given my limited free time and less-than-ideal location, what can I do to meet new people? How do I acquire nerd-friendly interests that are more social than programming, video games, and anime? Can I salvage anything positive on the dating front, or should I resign myself to <forever_alone.jpg> for a while longer as I slowly improve my life?

Failure To Launch

DEAR FAILURE TO LAUNCH: Man, you’ve had a rough time of it lately, and I suspect you’re hardly the only person going through something similar. I mean, all you have to do is look around; between the pandemic, the environment, the lopsided economic recovery AND the isolation and sense of financial and personal insecurity that comes from it all… it’s a LOT.

First of all: kudos for you for going to see a counselor about your depression. It can be difficult to face up to having emotional problems; even in this day and age, seeing a therapist and admitting to having problems can still make you feel as though you’re being judged by others.

Now here’s what you need to do: build yourself back up. You’re living with your parents – kinda sucks, but that’s the economic reality we live in. Part of what you need to recognize is that while it’s not what you’d hoped for, it’s also not the end of the world, nor is it a dealbreaker. More and more people are living with their parents and extended families because, hey, turns out rent is out of control, housing prices are even worse and jobs are kind of a nightmare right now.

But while the situation is less than ideal, you can take advantage of it. Since you have fewer expenses and even less time to spend your hard-earned money, start saving up now. Take a portion of each paycheck and set it aside into a savings account. Look at it as laying the groundwork for getting a new place or a cushion against future hard times. When you find a new, better paying job, you’ll have this extra stash to help pad things out.

Beyond that: work on yourself. Once you get adjusted to your schedule, start an exercise program. Join a class at the Y, find a dodgeball league, get into jogging… something that you actually ENJOY.

(Also, ideally outside or in places that require masking and vaccinations and who put in a LOT of effort to mitigate the risks of COVID)

It’ll help with the depression, it’ll improve your cardiovascular health, and it’ll get you out of the house. Check for gaming groups in town too, as well as the subreddit for your hometown; you might be surprised how many nerds and geeks are out there without your knowledge. If you can scrape together an hour or two a week, consider volunteer work. I can’t stress that enough: it’s a great way to meet new people and to help make your life more interesting.

But more than anything else: change your outlook. Life may be tough right now at the moment, but you’re not helping yourself by insisting that you’re an undatable, uninteresting nerd on top of things. You’ve got more going on than you give yourself credit for, and defining yourself by what’s ultimately a tough but temporary situation is just self-defeating. You need to be your own biggest fan and hype man; the more you talk yourself down, the harder you make it on yourself to get out from under the belief that nobody could possibly be interested in you.

Learn to love yourself and all your awesomeness — no matter how hard or silly it may seem right now — and you’ll have far, far more success than sitting around with an attitude that says “it’s ok if you don’t want to date me. I wouldn’t want to date me either.”

Good luck.

  Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am an average geekboy looking for love. Okay, not quite average. For one, I’m looking to find love with another geekboy. For two, I’m transgender. I used to be The Nerd Girl who a lot of guys idolised, which was awkward for all parties, because she didn’t exist – I was pretending I could be the perfect girl as much as they were.

Now, well, I’m in my twenties and I’m happier in my body and I’m lonely. I want a boyfriend. But I don’t know how to find one. Where are the actual gays among the guys who used to call things gay? And moreover, how can I find a nice gay geek boy who doesn’t treat my gender issues as an intellectual exercise to be pondered, explored, and constantly discussed – I’m not a science project.

Shouldn’t Be This Hard

DEAR SHOULDN’T BE THIS HARD: So, like I told Jammed Gaydar yesterday, I want to give an obvious caveat: I’m a straight cis dude. This means I’m not going to have the same perspective or experiences as a gay, trans ma, and there may well be aspects that I miss or wouldn’t have thought to bring up. As per usual, I recommend taking my advice with suitable amounts of salt.

I also want to invite my LGBTQ readers — especially those who sleep with men — to share their thoughts on where and how you could find yourself a nice gay geeky boyfriend.

So with that all in mind: good news! As time and society has moved on, geek culture’s had the doors blown clean off and there’re more and more LGBTQ geeks of all stripes and gender identities out there. While the culture still has issues, especially surrounding trans folks (see, also: Rowling, J.K) there are plenty of bi and gay geeks out there, as well as trans men and women across the sexual spectrum. Some of them may keep their heads down in their daily lives since society still has a problem with gender norms and sexual identity, but they’re definitely there to be found.

Now, I’m going to be honest: the fact that there’re more and more open queer and trans geeks — not to mention high-profile LGBTQ geek YouTubers, Twitch streamers, TikTokers etc. — there’re still folks out there who get weird about trans people. There’re gay men out there who’re capable of being just as shitty about trans folks as straight men can be. There’re also people who are cool with it in concept, but who may not have had much exposure to trans people in person and may not necessarily be as familiar with the day to day realities of a trans person’s life.

As a result, some folks — guys with the best intentions at heart — may want or need a little time and may not realize that they’re making you uncomfortable by treating you as The Representative For All Trans People.

That, needless to say, can be a bit awkward. It may well be a dealbreaker for you and hey, that’s completely legit.

If it’s not, then you may need to be a little patient at first – sometimes the well-meaning don’t realize that they’re being a little intrusive and need the occasional prodding to get the point – but don’t be afraid to set some firm boundaries.

Of course, all of this is well and good but doesn’t necessarily help on a practical level — that is: actually FINDING a gay, bi or pansexual geek who’s looking to date and wants to date you, specifically.

The first thing I would tell you is that you’re going to have better luck in larger cities; if you’re living in Dog’s Breath, Arkansas, you may very well find that the total LGBTQ population is in the single digits. Just based on sheer population, the more people who live there, the more men who sleep with men there will be. Certain cities are going to have a larger and more vibrant queer population – New York and San Francisco obviously, but also Seattle, Portland, Austin, Houston, Phoenix and Boston all have significant gay communities. The larger the communities, the more gay, bi and pan geeks you’re going to find. In addition, the more liberal and cosmopolitan the city, the more likely that you’re going to find a population that’s going to treat your gender identity as a non-issue.

The next – and really, obvious – step to finding the people you want to date is to go where the people you want to date hang out. This means you may want to get involved in the local geek community, especially in an organizational role. If there’s a convention held in your area, getting involved with that can be a good way of getting to know lots of geeks really damn fast.

Like I’ve said before: the more you involve yourself in your passions, the more you’re going to meet people who share those passions and who you’re going to be compatible with. Even if you’re not necessarily meeting people who are boyfriend material right off the bat, you’re going to be meeting cool people who will also know cool people and can introduce you to them.

It’s also worth getting involved with the local LGBTQ community and attending groups and meetups specifically for gay, bi and pan men — queer amateur sports leagues, hiking groups, even tabletop gaming groups. While this doesn’t guarantee that you’re going to meet queer male geeks, it will definitely increase the number of folks you’re meeting and help expand your social circle… which in turn, helps increase the number of folks you meet who you may well want to date.

Beyond that, I recommend that you pursue online dating – after all, you can screen for geeks or the geek-curious very easily in your profile. OKCupid is an obvious choice, as are apps like Grindr, but you may also want to look into dating sites for people who are specifically looking for (or open to) dating trans men.

Another possibility, and one that’s a bit outside the box: don’t forget MMOs. It’s easy to forget that the friendships and relationship people make in MMOs are real and valid. While I don’t recommend using them as a DATING app, per se, more people have met, dated and married because of World of Warcraft and Final Fantasy XIV than Grindr and Tinder.

It can take some time and effort but if you stack the deck as much as possible (big city, online dating, involvement in the geek community) in your favor, you’ll start meeting some awesome geek boys soon.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com