DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know this is for dating problems, but I’m sure you’ll be able to help.
I’ve has a huge crush on this actress, let’s call her Amanda for privacy reasons. I’ve has the crush since March, so, like, 9 months. I can’t stop thinking about her. I keep having overly sexual dreams about her, and I see her face everywhere.
There isn’t an age difference at all (we’re both 15, just a month and a week apart).
Help me, Dr NerdLove, you’re my only hope
– Get Out of My Dreams
DEAR GET OUT OF MY DREAMS: This one’s easy, GOMD: just relax.
I know that sounds dismissive, but I’m serious. This isn’t that big of a deal. You’re 15 years old and you have a crush. Everything — and I mean everything — seems larger and more momentous when you’re 15. You’re on the cusp of being considered an adult, but you’re still very much a pup. Your hormones are surging like crazy, your brain’s in overdrive and it feels like the world is nothing but pure roiling chaos. Everything, even crushes, are intense as hell when you’re in the middle of this.
But the good news is that it passes. Even crushes that feel borderline obsessive will fade, if given the chance. You just have to make sure to give it that chance.
The reason why this is lingering for so long is that you’re letting your crush on Amanda live rent free in your head. You’re letting your feelings about your crush — not about Amanda, but about your crush on her — occupy so much of your brainspace that it can’t fade. Crushes are like a fire; they only last and grow if you feed them fuel. Cut off the fuel supply and the fire goes out. In the case of a crush, constantly thinking about it — both the person you have a crush on, but also the meta-thinking about the crush itself — feeds the fire. It doesn’t matter if you’re fantasizing about dating her or banging her, or if you’re trying to force those feelings away: you’re still devoting bandwidth to it.
If, on the other hand, you just let things be, you’ll find that the crush will fade. Letting it be doesn’t mean that you don’t feel it or you don’t think about her or your feelings. It just means that you don’t dwell on them. You note and name those thoughts and feelings — oh, hey, it’s my crush on Amanda — and then just let your thoughts move onto other things on their own. You don’t need to force it; just note the feeling, name it, then gently redirect your thoughts elsewhere. This drains the crush of all that energy you’ve put into it and it becomes just another random thought or feeling over the course of the day. Then, before you realize it… it’ll have been days, or even weeks and you won’t have thought of Amanda even once. The crush will have faded and your thoughts will have turned elsewhere.
So note those feelings, name them, let them flow through you and just gently redirect your mind elsewhere. Yes, it feels intense as hell, but I promise: this too, shall pass.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com