DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A common truism you hear a lot about dating is “You have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else”. I’m bringing that up so I can tie dating to something I want to pick your brain on, which is about self-love.
I find the messaging around how one should feel about themselves to be confusing to navigate. One hand, it’s generally understood one should learn to be humble and self-critical, because the mind is naturally biased towards itself and will resist hearing negative things about itself. On the other hand, we warn about self-loathing and excessive self-criticism. A person having too much negative self-talk is a sign of depression.
To make this more personal, I’m one of those people prone to self-deprecating humor. It’s a habit I’ve had since middle school. I admit, it was definitely unhealthy back then when I would say things like I’m stupid or ugly, things I didn’t really believe but got laughs. Nowadays I try to be more realistic (I’m a knowledgeable person and I look okay when I dress well, I think) but I’ll still joke about how much of a loser I am occasionally. I see some criticism of self-deprecating humor and ironically it’s makes me defensive. I think, “Yeah, I’m making myself look bad, but at least I’m humbling myself. Better than being egotistical”.
And that’s what I want to know. How can I have confidence and practice self-love without becoming a narcissist? I see people online express love towards themselves in ways that I could never feel comfortable doing because I believe that if I said them, it would be arrogant. I could never say “I’m hot” or “I’m cool” because I just don’t believe those about myself. I’m not saying that people who do are arrogant, I’m just saying I don’t have the will to stand up for myself if I got push back for saying those things. And I just have a hard time relating to people who do.
And I mean, while lack of self-confidence can be harmful to one’s health and social life, arrogance does still exist right? Whenever we see someone gassing themselves up to an extreme level and acting like they’re the hottest s--t in the room we all recognize that person as an asshole. I mean look at the Artist Formally Known as Kanye. Few people looked at that guy and thought “That man is an example of radical self-love”.
What makes the pressure to gain self-love worse for me is the political aspect of it. There are people who practice self-love not just for their mental health, but to push back against a society that devalues anyone who isn’t a cishet white male (What’s that phrase? “Lord grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man”). I’m a POC so I understand the importance of that, but if I’m in a situation where I’m not being valued, I just can’t imagine getting away with responding with “You just don’t want to see a proud afro-latino thrive”.
Where I’m at is that I think I love myself as much as I would if I were a separate person, and that I could love myself more if I felt I’ve improved. I believe my humility is honest and not just a shield to make people comfortable. It might have been back in middle school, but I swear it isn’t anymore. Yet people make it sound like loving yourself is something anyone can learn to do no matter who they are and what state they are at. And if that’s true, then I have no idea what’s holding me back.
So what do you think? How does one gain self-love without feeling arrogant?
Love At Fifth Sight
DEAR LOVE AT FIFTH SIGHT: This is a statement and a concept with no small amount of controversy, LAFS, and a hell of a lot of misunderstandings. And I think we should probably start with just what that statement means and why this concept trips people up.
The basic idea seems simple… but unfortunately, that simplicity is precisely why people argue about its meaning. A lot of folks, for example, take this to mean that people who have depression or are dealing with the effects of trauma and don’t like themselves are incapable of loving others. And not only is that not what the phrase means, but that interpretation is bulls--t. Folks can and do love others — romantically and platonically, passionately and placidly — despite not liking or loving themselves very much. Others believe — like you do — that self-love is less confidence and more narcissism and something to be avoided.
What it actually means is that if you don’t love and accept yourself and, critically, believe that you deserve to be loved, you’re not going to be able to accept love from other people. You’ll have a much harder time believing that someone could possibly love you or that they’re telling you the truth when they tell you that they care. You’ll believe that someone’s attraction for you is, in fact, a trick or a mistake, and that they’ll either wise up and change their minds or you’ll get the rug yanked out from under you. Similarly, if you don’t believe that you’re worthy and deserving of love, you’ll have a much harder time allowing yourself to open up to others and embrace the vulnerability you need in order to let people in. If you see your feelings for others as an inconvenience or, worse, an insult to others, then you’re going to want to keep them to yourself. So it’s not that you’re incapable of feeling love or the action of loving others, but the mindset that empowers you to actually express and act on those emotions instead of keeping it bottled up and isolating yourself.
Similarly, there’s a vast difference between self-love, confidence, arrogance and narcissism. Narcissism isn’t just confidence turned up to 11 or even being willing to believe that you’re the hottest thing since World War III. Narcissism is the belief that the world rotates around you. Narcissism is selfishness and self-aggrandizement, the need for constant admiration and a lack of empathy for others. Arrogance is, likewise, not just being very confident. Arrogance is believing that you’re better and superior to others, especially in an insulting and demeaning way, and even more especially when that belief isn’t validated by experience. Trump talking about his “superior genes” or how he knows more about war than his generals, for example, is textbook arrogance. So is the stereotype of the record store clerk — as seen in High Fidelity — who sneers at the musical tastes of everyone who walks through the door.
Believing that you’re a better football player than folks actually on the field is arrogance. Demanding that people continually blow smoke up your ass about how amazing you are is narcissism. Believing that you’re physically attractive or knowing that you’re smart or skilled in an area isn’t arrogance — certainly not when it doesn’t come with an attitude of “…and that’s why I’m better than you peons.”
(Incidentally, nobody seriously looks at Kanye and thinks “that’s a man who loves himself too much”. That’s a man who lives with bipolar disorder, and doesn’t have folks around him who are willing or able to step to him when he’s in a manic phase.)
It’s also worth noting that humility isn’t necessarily the opposite of arrogance or narcissism. Humility doesn’t automatically mean not believing in your capabilities or refusing to take credit for your accomplishments. It’s acknowledging that while you may be skilled at something, there are others who are better than you or that what you’re capable of isn’t necessarily the most amazing thing ever. Someone who acknowledges that their skill is the work of hard work and practice and that they stand on the shoulders of those who came before them is showing humility.
Talking yourself down, on the other hand, isn’t humility. Neither is self-deprecation, particularly self-deprecating humor. While sometimes self-deprecating humor is about being willing to take yourself down a peg, a lot of times… well, to be perfectly blunt, most of the time it’s not humor. It’s just kicking yourself in the junk so other people won’t do it first. That feeling of “I don’t know how to react if someone pushes back if I say I’m hot,” that you mention is precisely why a lot of folks make jokey-jokes about how s--tty they are at things or how awful they are or undesirable they are. It may be a joke, but it’s a joke based around something they believe about themselves; they’re just getting it out there before anyone else can.
And the problem with this sort of behavior is that often it didn’t start as a joke; it started as humor, from folks who felt like you do: that you need to be humble and not brag about yourself. But as the sage once said: we become that which we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be. Tell people how awful, unattractive, undesirable or whatever you are enough times and all you’re doing is training yourself to believe it.
By that same token, telling yourself that you’re attractive, funny or desirable helps you believe that too. In fact, this is precisely why I tell folks not to wait to dress well or to focus on their presentation: because doing the things you think only “hot” people do starts to affect how you think about yourself. Starting now, even when you think you aren’t “ready” or “aren’t that kind of person yet”, serves as a form of training yourself to believe in your own power. It can be easier to accept if you look at it as practice; yeah, it feels weird or fake at first, but you’re getting used to it for when you’re ready.
Now part of the problem that it sounds like you’re facing is over-reliance on what’s known as “external validation” — that is, you put too much importance on the opinions of others. While yes, having some concern for what others think is important, far too many people rely on external validation for their own sense of self-esteem. Cultivating internal validation — trusting in your own judgement of yourself, believing in yourself, regardless of what others think — is important. External validation is inherently fragile and impermanent; if you rely on others’ opinions for your concept of self or your sense of value, then you’ve made it impossible to believe in yourself. You’ve rendered yourself at the mercy of the opinions of random strangers — many of whom will cheerfully s--t on you for kicks. Any positive opinion from one person can be obliterated instantly by a stray comment from someone else.
Learning to validate yourself, cultivating that internal validation, on the other hand, is far sturdier and long-lasting. While yes, people may disagree with you about how you look or how desirable you are… well, who gives a six-legged rat’s ass? How you feel about yourself, how you carry yourself and how you treat yourself carries far more weight and importance. After all, the way you feel about yourself, both positive and negative, bleeds into everything you do; it affects your body language, how you talk to others, even how you respond to mistakes or failure. Trust me: Serge Gainsbourg didn’t become one of the sex-gettingest men in history — despite looking like the bastard son of a bulldog and a Deep One — by listening to folks who thought the politest thing they could call him was “very French”.
It’s also worth noting that the folks you see online talking about how hot or awesome they are don’t lack the same inner doubts you have or don’t feel the same weirdness about being willing to say “that’s right, I’m awesome.” Many, even most, feel just as odd about it and having that same feeling of “it’s rude/arrogant/unrealistic of me to say this about myself”. They’re just doing it anyway. Many of them are staking out those positions precisely because they have that ingrained resistance that says “don’t say this, be humble”; they’re trying to push back against that voice and take control of their own validation.
Which, honestly, is what you should be doing. While you don’t need to go around declaring yourself to be the hottest thing jumping out of the coffee pot, being willing to bluntly and unashamedly own your good qualities is a good thing. It’s something that takes practice to get comfortable doing. Even if it means just dressing up sharp, looking at yourself in the mirror and saying “damn, I look nice,” consciously and verbally praising yourself is a good thing. Same with giving yourself credit for your accomplishments or even the idea that you are loved and deserving of love. At the same time, you want to practice biting back those self-deprecating jokes, and swallowing urge to make “humble” dismissals of others’ compliments. There’s nothing wrong with accepting that you did something good or that you’re skilled at something. Treating yourself with kindness and confidence isn’t arrogant or egotistical. It’s a good thing to do for yourself.
So how do you learn to love yourself and develop that confidence? Start with staking out the position that you’re attractive and people would be lucky to be in a relationship with you. Tell yourself this, out loud and regularly. Dress the way that makes you feel like a sexy bad-ass, or how you would dress if you were a sexy bad-ass. Practice behaving the way you would if you believed, to your core, that you were as hot as you wish you were, without apology. And, importantly, cultivate friends who will have your back and prop you up and who you support and prop up too.
The more you practice this, even if it’s “fake”, the more it’ll become natural for you. And before long, you’ll not only believe it… you’ll be able to accept it. Not just from yourself, but from other people too.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com