DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thank you for taking the time to read my email. I know you have addressed the issue of “friend zone” (and that it’s not really a thing). I completely understand that.
I recently started hanging out with a guy who we instantly connected and started spending time together multiple times a week and we’re in contact at various times throughout the day (quick phone call or text). I’d say he definitely initiated making plans more than I did and after about a month or so we were hanging out on a daily basis. The thing was this he had never once made a move or asked me to stay over. I found this rather odd and considering we are both in our 40’s, I kept wondering what is this guy waiting for? Finally one night I asked him if he wanted stay and basically made a comment about wouldn’t it be nice to sleep together… Well his response was that he thinks that I’m really attractive and he likes me a lot but he wants to go slow and be friends. A mutual friend of ours had told me that he had talked to her and said that he wants to make sure that we share the same goals and want the same thing in life. Uh ok, maybe that’s a thing. I wasn’t asking this guy to marry me, just to stay the night.
Since then, I found myself not being able to handle the reality of being rejected by someone who I felt we had a good connection. He didn’t back off, he continued to call, text, and hang out. I finally told him I needed space until I’m over my “crush” on him which that only lasted a few days before we went out to dinner. So there I was now finding myself feeling angry inside and almost resenting him for not wanting to take things further. The rejection hurt me bad and I even went as far as to tell him to lose my number and walked away.
I respect his decision and I get that if he isn’t into me that way then that’s his choice. But why bother telling me he thinks I’m attractive and he wants to continue spending time with me but not sleep together? If he doesn’t want to sleep with me then he obviously isn’t attracted to me and ya maybe he just enjoys my company like friends do. How can I make this rejection not hurt so bad? It sucks not hanging out anymore and I’m bummed now because I feel like I would had rather stayed friends than nothing at all but because I acted emotionally immature and told him to lose my number, I ruined the friendship.
Thanks,
Rejected
DEAR REJECTED: This is an interesting situation, Rejected, and I think it comes down to differences in what you were both looking for, and how you both prefer your relationships to progress.
You, Rejected, move fairly quickly and decisively. You knew you were into this guy, you knew what you wanted (to bang like a screen door in a hurricane) and how soon (right away). Maybe you would’ve been interested in something more committed as you got to know each other and found out if you were compatible or not. Now it’s impossible to say because… well, this particular rocket never got off the launchpad.
He, on the other hand, seems to be the slow, steady and methodical type. Despite the popular stereotypes, some guys like to take things slowly. Maybe he wanted more than just a low-commitment hook-up and wanted to be sure that you and he were right for each other by getting to know you better first. Or he might prefer not to have sex before you two had a serious relationship. Alternately, he could be demisexual and doesn’t form strong sexual attraction to folks until he gets close with them, emotionally, first. All of these are as plausible reasons for why things didn’t progress the way you’d hoped.
But, absent hearing more from him… I dunno, I don’t think he rejected you so much as working at a different pace from you. So I think you can at least take solace in the fact that he really did (possibly still does) like you. Whether that takes the sting out of feeling rejected or not is an open question, but hey, maybe knowing this will soothe that particular wound.
Part of the issue is that it you and he didn’t really talk about what you were looking for. While I know that those sorts of conversations can feel weird or uncomfortable, the truth is that just asking for what you need — or telling someone what you’re looking for — is a hell of a lot more reliable of a way of finding out how the other person feels and what they want. The awkwardness of saying “hey, here’s what I’m after, are you in?” is far less unpleasant than finding out that you were COMPLETELY off target and getting your heart broken.
Now, the fact that I don’t think you were rejected doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong here. One of the things that’s important for folks to remember is that people often want different types of relationships and prefer them to progress at different rates. That’s an important part of being compatible as a couple. If you prioritize a sexual relationship early on and he prefers something slower paced, then it doesn’t matter how much you like each other, the odds of the relationship working are relatively low. Like a pair of gears that almost, but don’t quite mesh properly, you would likely reach a point where things just get jammed up or possibly even just break.
So, while you may not have been rejected, it sounds like you made the right call, at least in terms of deciding not to pursue things with him. Similarly, while I don’t think that being rejected means that person is dead to you forever, I think it’s entirely appropriate to take some time away and let your feelings do their thing. Giving yourself some time to feel better and to let your crush fade was the right call for you.
That having been said, you didn’t exactly cover yourself in glory when you told him to kick rocks. I think that you let your frustration run away with you in the moment. Under the circumstances, I think telling him to lose your number may have been a bit much, but then again: they’re your feelings and your call. If you needed to go nuclear in order to recover, then that’s what you need.
But if you miss him as a friend — and it sounds like you do — I don’t think you’ve burned the bridges or salted the ground behind you. I think, if you want, you could at least salvage a friendship from this. It would, admittedly, require you to be willing to swallow a little pride, which can be hard for anyone to do. However, if that’s what you want, I think it’s well within reason to go back and say “hey, last time we talked I was feeling really hurt and I took it out on you. I’m sorry I acted in an immature fashion and I really miss the friendship we had. I’d love it if we could try to patch things up and be friends again, if you’re willing.”
And then the ball’s in his court. It’ll be up to him to decide if he wants to be friends again, or if he now needs space from you.
But if you miss his friendship and want him back in your life? You’re gonna have to be the one to make a move and tell him.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com