DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am in desperate need of sage advice. Perhaps you can help. After a couple years of having some fun, I’m ready to get into a “real” relationship again. Meaning monogamous, loving, fulfilling, maybe leading to something more. I’m dating two amazing women.
At what point would I move from “dating two women” to “cheating on two women” and how can one possibly choose between two different but equally amazing girls? On the one hand we have the blonde, marathon-running, world-saving Ivy League grad who may have some cultural clashes with my roots and is slightly weak on personal style.
On the other hand is the young fashion industry brunette who has this natural click with me, easy to talk to, has tons of style, but maybe not as many common sporty outdoors interests. While we have not had the “we are now exclusive” conversation, I’m beginning to live in fear of being tagged in Facebook or Instagram photos of me entwined with one of them.
Riverdale High Graduate
DEAR RIVERDALE HIGH GRADUATE: First and foremost: I’m a big believer that if you haven’t had the “are we exclusive” talk or the “defining the relationship” talk, it’s best to assume that you AREN’T exclusive. While I know most folks are monogamous, the truth is that many aren’t, and monogamy and exclusivity should be an opt-in, rather than an opt-out.
At the very least, having to have the conversation means that you’ll both be on the same page, rather than dealing with the awkward situation of one person assuming you were exclusive and getting mad because they didn’t bother asking if you felt similarly.
Now with that in mind, let’s talk about making choices.
So far, you’re dating both women, you’re happy with both women, and you haven’t had the “we’re exclusive” talk. Most folks reading this would ask “what’s the problem?” But seeing as this is actually stressing you out, it’s fortunate that I’m not most folks.
You have a couple of options here.
First: you need to quit hemming and hawing and make a decision. They’re both great potential girlfriends, but unless you’re into the polyamory lifestyle (and you’ve specifically said you want monogamy), then one of them is going to have to go.
The question is: who?
Well, this is where things get slightly counter-intuitive.
As odd as it sounds, if they’re both truly equally excellent and are almost equally compatible with you, then I would say the way to decide is which one has the personality quirks and habits that bother you the least.
It sounds a little unromantic, but the fact of the matter is, settling down almost always means rounding up to “yup this works” and being willing to let what you DON’T get be the cost of entry for that relationship. If both women are so great that you could be happy with either, then prioritizing the qualities and quirks that you would have the hardest time living with or that would be a stone in your shoe over the course of years is one way to help ensure that the one you love is someone you could live happily ever after with.
Yes, everyone has habits that we can find annoying and personality traits that may be endearing at first and frustrating down the line. But if you know that one person’s qualities are going to be a bigger issue for you than the other’s, then that’s a not-unreasonable metric to use to make your choice.
Settle for the one who’s annoying traits are the ones you could live with the easiest and bid a fond farewell to the other.
Second: You could always just go the meta route and leave the choice up to them. This would, functionally be playing a game of Relationship Chicken with ’em. First girl to demand exclusivity wins. Of course, modern relationships being what they are, your girls could be waiting for you to make the first move towards exclusivity, which will almost certainly lead to sitcom-like shenanigans as you have to go through increasingly complex routines to keep them from knowing about each other. It’ll be thrilling at first when one of them drops by your place wearing nothing but baby-oil and a trench coat, while you desperately try to hide your other paramour in the broom closet or get her to climb out the window and down the fire escape.
But after the second or third time you’ve managed to be at the same bar or restaurant as the both of them and you’re having to play “bad sushi last night” in order to explain why you keep dodging back “to the bathroom” to keep the illusion you’re only there with one of them, you’ll get tired of it.
Plus, you’ll be running the increasing risk that one or the other will find out about her competition and you end up having the choice made for you: neither of them.
More seriously though: to quote the sage, even when choosing not to choose, you still have made a choice. So if you want one, you’ll have to make that decision yourself.
And as a complete aside: you know that you can set Facebook and Instagram’s privacy settings so that people can’t tag you if you don’t want them to? I’d recommend looking into that, if only for personal safety and security.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com