DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thanks for your constant quality advice. So here’s my question. As a way of determining a person’s desirability when it comes to relationships, is the Grimes test applicable to people who are already married / in otherwise committed relationships? Basically, imagine that Grimes wasn’t looking for a relationship but was trying to maintain one.
As I look at my current life, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t pass the test, at least in the way it’s probably meant to be thought of in the context of people looking for a relationship. I have a relatively well paying job, but my country’s taxation means I only take home about half of my salary. The job is also quite mentally demanding (I’m a doctor at a major hospital, no other options to practice my specialty in our region) and most days I’m left with little energy to do anything meaningful after work, and at my job I’ve grown deeply disillusioned towards the supposed common sense of my fellow man. I’ve got a small house of my own although nothing fancy and the mortgage payments are not amusing at all. So far, all Grimes level stuff, if not worse (you can forget about the cheery disposition).
My wife is currently on her maternity leave (she’s going back to her equally mentally taxing job in around six months) with our youngest , and our eldest manages to be equally delightful and infuriating with the tricks of a 4-year-old. After work I do my best to take care of my share of the chores and childcare, but that’s what Grimes would be capable of, isn’t it: bringing home the money and taking care of the offspring.
I did have interests and passions, once. I dreamed of being able to afford a garage and learn some wrenching while restoring a classic car – I don’t have the time or the money. I wanted to take up diving, but for a guy with kids doing something potentially dangerous would be irresponsible. I was fairly proficient at playing the violin, but the last time I touched my instrument was around two years ago, and it’s been even longer since the last LAN party I attended. Meeting friends has to be planned weeks or months ahead to make room in everyone’s schedules. Exercising isn’t something I truly enjoy, but during weekends I wake up early to find some time for it simply so that I remain healthy. Babysitters are unavailable due to COVID, and we wouldn’t be able to leave our youngest in their care anyway, so our last proper date night out was ages ago.
I love my wife and our kids dearly. Physically she’s bounced back fabulously from both pregnancies, and I find her just as attractive, witty and level headed as at the moment she said yes. I try to keep our communication as open as possible and remember to show my appreciation for all she is doing for our family with little gifts, extra time away from the kids and so on. I have zero sympathy for guys who act their best when wooing the girl and then get dumped immediately after they stop trying, but how is a guy supposed to rise above the level of Grimes with the soul crushing combination of a demanding job, financial responsibilities, household managing and trying to hammer some sense into the heads of his heirs? How am I supposed to remain interesting enough that my wife would think: “Splendid, I want fifty odd more years of that!” If I met myself at a bar I’d be looking for an excuse to leave after five minutes to avoid dying of boredom.
Or, must married folks judge each other by some completely different yardstick?
Best wishes,
Grime-ily Ever After
DEAR GRIME-ILY EVER AFTER: Before I get to your question, GEA, let me explain the Grimes Test for folks who may not be familiar with it.
The test goes like this: Meet Grimes. Grimes is a kaiju, born out of unholy alien science and toxic waste. He’s not bad looking as kaiju go, has a generally cheery disposition, a decent job and a place of his own but no real interests or hobbies. He’s never hit a woman, never sent unsolicited photos of his genitals (in as much as he has any), never creeped on a woman, stalked through her social media profile or pursued someone who wasn’t into him. He’s never harassed a woman, sent threatening or sexually explicit messages or violated her boundaries.
So what do you have going for you that Grimes doesn’t (besides genitals) that would make women want to date YOU instead of Grimes?
Now with that out of the way, I think you’re misunderstanding the point of the Grimes Test, GEA. The Grimes Test is a thought experiment, whose point is to get people to think about what they bring to the table beyond the baseline of being a nice guy (vs. a Nice GuyTM) and to cultivate things if they don’t have those other qualities yet.
It’s also not really relevant in your case. You, after all, are married and have been for years. That’s a very different situation than someone trying to figure out just what they need to do be more attractive to potential partners. I think you’re also missing a critical issue at hand: you’ve got young children. That changes the nature of your relationship rather significantly. When you’ve got kids, especially newborns and toddlers, of course they’re going to be the center of your universe for a while. Taking care of them and raising them is going to be primary focus of your energy and attention for a while for the both of you. It’s entirely understandable that things are going to change; the time and energy you had to apply to other things is going to be shifted to taking care of your children together. If you’re especially lucky and privileged, you can have help — whether family members and your community or hiring a babysitter or nanny — but they’re gonna be your primary focus for a long time.
That’s normal. It’s exhausting, frequently frustrating, and often rip-your-hair-out maddening… but normal. Part of making your relationship with your wife work at this moment is to focus on the “we’re a team and we’re in this together” aspect of your relationship. The two of you working together, not just for your kids but also for each other, will go a long way towards keeping and maintaining your marriage alive and vital. That means doing things like spelling each other with the kids, so that you both get a break, making sure that the effort between housework, child-raising and and other responsibilities remains relatively equitable. It also means snatching whatever moments you can with one another — even if it’s just a frenetic quickie while the kids are down for their nap — and reminding each other that even when you’re both exhausted, sweaty, tired and covered in fluids you’d rather not think about… there’s nobody else you’d rather be in this with.
It also means acknowledging that while yes, the two of you have had to put passions and personal development on hold… it’s just for now. Yes, there haven’t been any date nights… but that’s just for now. The two of you are going to resolve to grit your teeth and white-knuckle your way through these early years, with the mutual understanding that while things are rough right now, there’ll come a point where it’ll ease up. You’ll be able to get a babysitter or send the kids to their grandparents’ so you can have a night out again that’s just the two of you. You’ll have more time and energy to pursue things that aren’t all about your kids or basic survival. And there will be a time when the kids are able to take care of themselves and you’ll have even more freedom, energy and time to pursue the things you had to put on pause.
And they’re just on pause. They’re not gone for good, just in a holding pattern until you can get back to them.
But to do that, you and your wife have to remember that you’re on the same team, working through this together. You’re keeping each other healthy and sane so you can get to those times when things ease back up again. And then when you do, you’ll look back on all of the trials and tribulations that you went through and say “Yeah, that was rough, but we got through it together and it brought us closer than before.”
To answer your final question: yes, the Grimes Test is for single folks — specifically single people who are trying to improve their ability to meet and date amazing people. You’ve already accomplished that. At this point, your guide isn’t Grimes.
Your guides are Gomez and Morticia Addams. If you want to keep the spark alive with your wife — even with kids — then you want to ask yourself: What Would Gomez Do?
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com