DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 39 year old man in love with a 26 year old woman that I have been friends with for the last four years. Over the years that I have interacted with her, I slowly fell for this girl, until one day about a year after knowing her I realized I was in love with her. Despite the age gap (12 years 9 months), I have many things in common with her. Similar taste with food, political leanings, books and movies even personality quirks and traits. The differences with her appear small little things like pet preferences (not a big deal for me), except for the age disparity.
There are times I think she appears to be attracted to me: the way she says hi to me in lower soft tone of voice sometimes, the way she talks to me in a shy manner compared to others or even laughing at my jokes. She recently broke up with her fiancé of five years as of a few weeks ago and has expressed the idea of not dating for a while. I don’t know if I should act now or wait it out a little. I am also afraid she will reject me because of the gap and thus damage our friendship. Should I wait it out, make an attempt, or try to move on?
Help me,
Hopelessly in love
DEAR HOPELESSLY IN LOVE: This is a classic case of “the problem you’re asking about isn’t the problem you actually have”, HIL.
First and foremost: an age gap between someone in his late 30s and a woman in her mid 20s isn’t that big of a deal. The things that make age gaps problematic is less about the difference in age per se and more about what that gap represents. Part of why people side-eye Leonardo DiCaprio, for example, for consistently dating younger women is because he seems to treat 25 as a cutoff date. That suggests that he wants women specifically because they’re younger than him and that he sees 25 as being the point where they’re no longer attractive to him. Even if we’re interpreting this as generously as possible, that’s pretty sketchy. It ties into a lot of f--ked up messaging about women’s value and attractiveness being tied to their age and that older women are less desirable because they’re older. Seeing as there aren’t any alternatives to the linear progression of time, that means that literally every woman’s value vanishes at a certain point.
There’re also issues about power and influence. A 30 year old and an 18 year old gets a lot of side-eye because of how much more social and cultural influence the older partner frequently has. Now to be sure: when someone’s 18, they’re free to make whatever choices they want and date whomever floats their boat. However, the power dynamic can be significant, and could lead to someone feeling pressured to agree to things that they would not otherwise agree to.
(Notice very carefully I said can and not is; as always, things can vary widely on the individual level. There’re plenty of folks who dated people much older than they were and found the experience to be valuable, enriching and important and have nothing but good things to say about the relationship.)
However, as people get older, age differences mean less. Jokes about adulting and extended adolescence aside, someone who’s in their mid-20s is usually fairly well established and confident in themselves. They tend to have more life experience than your average 18 year old and have a better grasp of who they want to date, what they will and won’t put up with and are more empowered to leave a s--tty situation.
So no, I don’t think the age gap is a big deal in this case. If nothing else, her being 26 puts her squarely within the “half your age plus seven” rule of thumb.
The problem you have is two-fold. First is the fact that I think you’re experiencing some dickful thinking. The way she says “hello” isn’t really a reliable indicator of interest, nor is talking in a shyer manner. I think you’re taking normal behavior and rounding it up to interest because you’re hoping she’s interested. It’s a lot like when guys with Oneitis try to parse the exact word choice their crush uses; the more nitpicky and granular you get trying to find “proof” that someone is into you, the lower the odds are that she’s actually interested. If you’re down to reading meaning into the tea leaves, then you already know how she feels. You don’t like the answer, so you’re shaking the metaphorical magic eight ball to get a different one.
(Yes I know I just jumped metaphors. Keep up.)
The second is… dude, she just broke up with her fiancé. Even if there were some interest on her part, she was with the guy for five years and engaged to be married. If you roll up on her and proclaim your love for her, you’d be telling her that you’re less concerned about her and more about establishing a claim while the “window” was still open. A break up is rough, even when its amicable, especially when they were planning a wedding. Under the best of circumstances, that takes time to heal and means she’s almost certainly not going to be interested in dating anyone any time soon.
Plus, y’know. She told you that she’s thinking about not dating for a while. This could be the literal truth, or it could be that she knows you’re interested and is giving you the wave-off. Either way: you need to take her at her word on this.
My advice? Let this one go. She may be awesome and all, but there are other women out there who are just as awesome if not more so, who will be into you and who aren’t nursing a broken heart. If your friend decides she’s interested in you, she’ll let you know. Unless and until this happens, it’s better to move on.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com