DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Hi, I have a problem. I was dating for nine months with a girlfriend who was incredibly negative. I broke it off but felt bad about it.
When we were dating she would say I was lazy, and she didn’t date fat guys. In order to push me to get healthy, she called me pathetic man cause I couldn’t get her off during sex because of my weight.
Anyway after breaking up, I wanted to get back with her. She said yes, but we have to be friends first.
After having been friends for three weeks and one day (yes I counted), I asked her what she was doing. She told me — as a joke — that she was about to go have sex with someone. I didn’t let on that it hurt me but I thought I was rude.
Now I’m in a place where I don’t want to give up on her, and I understand that she had bad experiences with other exes, where they have cheated, etc. She has already told her family that she could see us dating again. I’m starting to feel like I should see other people, but I still have feelings of getting back with her, especially since now she’s telling people that we can get back together.
Please help.
2nd Time Around
DEAR 2ND TIME AROUND: OK my dude. I am absolutely sure that she is an amazing looking woman. I’m sure that she’s incredible in bed. And I want you to know that I am saying this with sincerity and respect for you and your feelings for her:
Sweet suffering Jesus, why in pluperfect hell would you want to get back together with this woman? I don’t care if she had a body to make the Pope cry and her mouth could make an atheist see God. Getting back together with her is possibly the worst thing you could do to yourself short of bathing in the sewage system of a hospital full of patients with typhus and cholera.
Dude. The way she was treating you was straight-up toxic and abusive. The fact that she was mocking you for your weight, calling you pathetic and insisting that she couldn’t orgasm because you were too fat or something is pure “kick her to the curb with the rest of the trash” level behavior.
I don’t care what her motivation may or may not have been. Maybe she truly thought that she was going to push you to lose weight. Maybe she thought that this was what you needed to “get healthy”.
I don’t give a six-legged rat’s ass. It was unacceptable.
Now to be clear: her fatphobia is bad enough as it is, even when it’s couched in the ever-popular “well, I’m just concerned about your health” bulls--t. But even if she SINCERELY thought that she was helping you, what she was doing was harmful under the BEST of circumstances.
Constantly insulting and belittling you is abusive behavior — even if it’s in the name of “helping” you. It’s one thing when you and your honey can banter back and forth and tease each other about things that aren’t that important or that don’t touch on any insecurities or anxieities. Playfully teasing about things that you don’t care about strongly is something some couples will do. People who do this tend to be careful to avoid teasing in ways that actually hurt the other person or poking at their sensitive areas.
Your ex didn’t do that. Your ex went straight for your metaphorical jugular from the jump and then just got worse from there.
There are plenty of reasons why one might think about getting back together with an ex: you’re better together than when you’re apart, you both really care about each other, you broke up when you were young and stupid and now that you’re older and wiser, you can overcome those previous problems…
None of these apply in your case. Your breaking up with her was probably the smartest and healthiest thing you’ve done for yourself in a while. Yeah you needed to lose weight… by dumping however many pounds of toxic girlfriend by the wayside and finding someone who wasn’t going to mock you for your body.
Having bad experiences with her exes isn’t an excuse for being a s--tty person, nor is it a reason to stick together; that’s her problem to deal with, not yours. Her saying “Yeah, we can get back together” is similarly NOT a reason to get back together.
Your instincts are telling you to see other people. I’m telling you to RUN MOTHERFUCKER and don’t look back.
Find someone else, someone who actually respects you and cares for you. You’ll be much happier.
Sweet suffering Jeebus, why the hell would you want to get back together with this woman?
Dude. The way she was treating you is not cool. Constantly insulting and belittling you – even in the name of “helping” is straight-up abusive behavior. It’s one thing when you and your honey can banter back and forth and have little teases. It’s another thing entirely when she goes for blood and starts aiming straight at your self-esteem.
There are plenty of reasons why one might think about getting back together with an ex: you’re better together than when you’re apart, you both really care about each other, you broke up when you were young and stupid and now that you’re older and wiser, you can overcome those previous problems…
None of these apply in your case.
Having bad experiences with her exes isn’t an excuse for being a s--tty person or for treating you abominably. Nor, for that matter, is it a reason to stick together with her or get back together with her. While I’m sorry that she’s had awful experiences in her past, that’s her problem to deal with, not yours.
Similarly, the fact that she was telling other folks that she could see you and her getting back together doesn’t mean anything either. Why should what she says to her friends dictate whether or not you decide to commit to her again? Because otherwise she’d have to say “oops, never mind?” Once again: that’s a HER problem, not a YOU problem.
Your instincts are telling you to see other people. Hell dude, I think your instincts aren’t going far enough: I think they should be telling you to run for the hills like all of Hell and half of Hoboken were after you.
Do not, for the love of all that’s holy, get back together with this woman. Find someone else, someone who actually respects you and cares for you. You’ll be much happier.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com