DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know your target audience is largely men, but I’m a woman who needs some help. It involves the “friend-zone” and a guy I really like.
Now, he knows that I like him and he friend-zoned me pretty damn hard. I flat out told him. He spends a lot of his time talking about how lonely he is and how he can’t find his dream woman. He fits 80% of the “nice-guy” bullshit and he has impossible standards. He’s one of those that feels the world owes him things. Wants a modern woman but doesn’t want one who’s aggressive, etc…
Well I like him, I’ve tried finding reasons not to like him but when we spend any amount of time together I just find more reasons to like him. His annoying habits don’t really annoy me, except the impossible standards thing. I’ve had a colorful and roller coaster life. At almost 30 I am finally getting through school and working on getting my life together. I am attractive, smart and generally a blast to hang out with. His friends all like me and tell me we would be good for each other.
But I can’t do it. I can’t accept the friend-zone. I tried to treat him as a non-sexual entity but it doesn’t work. (Probably because I’m not looking for sex right now.) We have too much in common and it’s impossible for me to be okay with just being friends without at least trying. I am friends with most of my exes, so it is likely if it didn’t work out we could probably still be friends. But I can’t just take the friend-zone. As such I’ve decided to just go isolationist when he is around. (He is buddies with my roommate. Said roommate spent months telling me about him before we met, as him being a good one for me.) For the sake of their friendship I will be cordial, but I can’t sit and watch hours of Doctor Who with them and have all these great conversations, feelings and act as if they aren’t there. I think it’s actually making my hair grey. The roommate thinks this is the wrong course of action, but I don’t see any other way to protect my sanity. I’ve tried just letting it go. But I like the guy and I can not make myself not like him.
Do you have any ideas I haven’t thought of?
Halp,
I Don’t Wanna Be Friends
DEAR I DON’T WANNA BE FRIENDS: Here’s something not to like about him: he has impossible standards, entitlement issues and is apparently 80% Nice Guy. Yup, this guy sounds like a total prize. Can’t imagine why he’s not having to beat women off with a stick.
Let’s start this with my usual caveat: there’s no such thing as The Friend Zone; there are just people who don’t want to date or sleep with you. I use the term as a convenient shorthand, but it tends to carry connotations of trickery or that someone is ACTIVELY putting you there, rather than it being an absence of attraction or interest.
With that having been said: there will always be times when you can’t get out of the Friend Zone and your options are simple: you either accept it and move on with your life or you continue to beat your head against a wall and make yourself miserable for no damn good reason.
You’re welcome to continue pounding your head against the wall but all you’re going to do is give yourself a migraine. The wall ain’t gonna notice or care. Sometimes you have to take “no” for an answer. It’s cool that his friends dig you and think the two of you would be great together but – and this is critical – they don’t get a vote in this.
And to be perfectly honest: rejection happens for a reason. It keeps people who are fundamentally incompatible apart, and from the sounds of things… it’s for the best that he’s just not that into you.
I sympathize that you’re having a hard time letting go. It’s going to be difficult considering that he’s a friend of your roommate – it’s easier to get over someone when they’re outta sight, outta mind. If things get really intolerable… well, you could always find a new roommate. But that’s a little on the extreme side of things. The best thing you can do is minimize the time you spend around him, dial back the level of contact you have and – here’s the critical part – start dating other people. This guy isn’t the only single geek out there.
You’re hot, smart, friendly, tons of fun and apparently have lots of stories to share; you’ll find other guys, geeky dudes who have strong feelings about who should be cast as the next Doctor and want to have great conversations, who are chomping at the bit to date you. Start finding some of them and you’ll start realizing that getting Friend-Zoned was the best thing that could’ve happened to you.
Good luck.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve got a problem… I like this girl and we’re close friends but I want to tell her that I like her but not actually ask her out yet. Is there any way of doing this without sounding like an idiot?
Scheduling Difficulties
DEAR SCHEDULING DIFFICULTIES: This presents an interesting question: you want to tell her you’re interested, but you don’t want to ask her out… yet. Why the hell not? Absent more detail – you’re about to go to war? You want to make sure you beat this life-threatening disease? You want to defeat her seven evil exes first? – I’m forced to wonder why you want to tell her you like her in the first place.
Regardless, it’s pretty simple: you just tell her. She’s probably already got a clue that you’re interested in her; guys, especially younger ones, aren’t nearly as good at hiding their feelings as they like to think. Avoiding sounding like an idiot is just as easy: keep it short and simple. Any beating around the bush or hemming and hawwing is only going to come off as awkward and insecure; not the image you want to present when you’re trying to confess your feelings.
Now that being said, saying “I like you, I want more, but I’m not ready or able to date you yet” is… probably not going to get any sort of response that you’d actually want from her. It’s unclear exactly what your intentions are with this or what your desired outcome would be.
It sounds to me like you’re asking her to put her love life on hold and wait for you to be ready to date her in some indeterminate time in the future and honestly, that’s not really fair to her. If you’re hoping to get her to wait for you… well, that’s not really something you can ask for. Not when you don’t have any sort of romantic relationship to begin with, nor has she indicated that she wants something from you.
And unless something’s happening that’s going to require you to be unavailable until later — you’re being deployed overseas, your job is sending you away for an extended period of time etc. — then I don’t see what the point of telling her NOW would be.
To be perfectly blunt, I’d say it’d be better to let things be until you’re ready to actually ACT on your attraction to her. Giving her an FYI like this without any reason to do anything afterwards is likely to make her go “um, how about NO?”
But if you’re determined to do this, then take her aside and say “Listen, I just want to lay this out there: I like you and I want to be more than friends… later.” And then you’d better have a damn good reason for it ‘cuz otherwise you may not look like an idiot, but you’re definitely going to come across as very weird.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com