DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A few months ago I took a trip a few hours down the road where I met another guy who is now causing problems.
While I was there, he contacted me on a gay social app and got my attention rather quickly. I met up with him and he was a very nice and attractive guy who wanted a relationship with me. This being my first boyfriend I jumped into it, which I now realize was very foolish of me.
Almost as soon as I got back home, he started asking me if I could move in with him over the summer or at the very least come up every weekend. Me being a busy college student, I explained to him that wouldn’t be possible but I’d come up as much as I could, but he didn’t seem to understand at all. I found that to be concerning since he is a college grad himself, but the biggest red flag was when he texted me “Do you want to be in a triad with my other boyfriend.” I didn’t know about this other boyfriend until just then. I managed to work that crisis out (he would have two separate bf’s), but things were getting busy and I wasn’t able to come up as soon as I hoped. Since I wasn’t going to be up with him too often and he had someone else, I asked if we could have an open relationship. He was VERY upset that I would even suggest that. After that he started calling and texting me much more often, asking if his “cub” was being faithful (he took the whole daddy/boy/bear/cub thing way too far outside the bedroom that I felt I was being fetishized). I said yes and I still haven’t gone up again and I’m wondering if I should. He keeps contacting me, asking to come up to him, and his messages are getting more and more aggressive. I’m worried that I have a crazy guy on my hands and I have no idea what to tell him anymore. Any advice, Doctor?
– Not Goldilocks
DEAR NOT GOLDILOCKS: Dump him. Dump him and f--king run.
There’s more red flags here than a military parade in Beijing. First, he’s asking you to move in with him as soon as you meet him in person. Then he “forgets” to mention the whole “oh, I have another boyfriend” issue until he decides he’s up for a threesome or a poly triad… but it’s clearly “boyfriends for me but not for thee” since he freaks the f--k out over your proposal that maybe you open the relationship up a little.
Throw that into his constantly checking up on you and pushing the bear/cub relationship past where you’re comfortable and pushing and pushing and now demanding that you come see him…
Seriously. Dump his ass, block him on Facebook, Twitter, Grindr, every other place he has a way of contacting you and count your lucky stars you’re getting off this lightly.
I get that this is your first boyfriend and you haven’t had much in the way of experience with relationships but seriously, this guy is giving off all sorts of warning signals that you need to learn to recognize. Don’t let the fact that you’ve just started dating and/or f--king blind you to the fact that you have the right to have strong boundaries and people who cross them should be shown the exit as quickly and firmly as possible. There are folks who prey on the young and inexperienced, who rely on the fact that you aren’t as likely to recognize toxic or abusive behavior for what it is. Find a cute guy closer to home who isn’t some crazy-possessive, second-boyfriend-hiding, boundary-pushing asshole.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I started talking to this woman over a month ago. She’s 35, divorced with two great boys (7 and 10). We went on our first date Saturday before last, and the boys were with us. We all hit it off, the boys, me, her, all of us.
All week, we stayed in regular communication, every morning, she would wake me up with a good morning message on my phone as soon as she got up and we would talk throughout the day. Then, our second meeting happened. I went over to her house this past Friday to watch a movie, but we ended up just talking for an hour, and that lead into a very passionate make out session. Two hours of that, and the understanding that we shouldn’t go all the way just then and there and continued to make out. At the end of the night we left off on a very sweet long goodnight kiss.
Then I wake the next day, and no good morning on my phone, so I call her later that day, no answer. I give her her space and wait till the next day, and call, no answer, so I text that night, and she says she’s not ready for a physical relationship… I really like this girl and her two boys, I’ve never felt like this about someone before and I want to know if there is a way to fix this. I’m 31 and am so tired of the dating scene. What can I do?
DEAR MILF MAGNET: This one’ simple, my dude. You had two dates and she decided that she’s just not into you. Sometimes that happens; she may have decided over the course of the make-out session with you that while she was enjoying herself for now, she didn’t see this going any further and decided to nip it in the bud. That lack of response IS a response; it means she’s hoping you’re going to get the hint and let it go.
Now I get it: you’re infatuated with her and it sucks that you got rejected. But straight-talk: you’ll get over it. Let’s keep some perspective here: you had two dates with this woman. Two dates does not mean it’s True Love, nor was she The One. I’m sure she’s a great woman and her kids are awesome, but there are plenty of other women out there.
If you’re tired of the dating scene then by all means, take a break for a bit. But the best thing you can do here is just chalk this up to another learning experience and move on to someone new.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org