DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am what you might call a stereotypical 16-year-old nerd, geek, or nobody in high school. I love comics, movies, video games, and geek stuff in general. I have a 4.0 gpa, and in between playing sports and reading classic literature I can usually be found browsing through blogs and listening to podcasts. At school I have one or two good friends who sort of understand my geeky passion, but from what I can tell I’m the only person in school who knows the origins of just about every goddamn major Marvel superhero. I’m even complete with some bad-ass (in my opinion) Marvel t-shirts, glasses which will soon require tape repair, and really bad acne problems that Proactiv and soap can’t seem to fix.
Of course all of these traits make me quite an unattractive specimen for girls in high school, of whom which I have yet to actually gain romantic experience with. I hold doors open for them, I pick up their books when they drop them, I complement them on their new shoes, but for whatever reason I just seem to be invisible to the opposite sex. I’ve also noticed that my frustration with this hasn’t gone unnoticed with some girls, and now I try to avoid appearing as that “pissed off little prick that reads comics”. Even my dad has been jumping on my ass for not having a girlfriend, and I don’t need to take his s--t since I’m pretty sure he was never a nerd who was ignored by his peers.
So now I suppose I should ask the wise Doctor a question. What am I doing wrong? Yes, probably a very vague question, but sitting in my room raging about the situation with parents who haven’t been any help isn’t what I’d call progress. Is it just teen angst? Do I need to stop reading the latest Green Lantern issue or quoting the previous Archer episode just to be deemed socially acceptable?
Nerd In Training
DEAR NERD IN TRAINING: First things first, NIT, I want to remind you of my standard advice when it comes to dating in high-school: don’t get too hung up about it. While I realize that high-school feels like the most important and influential time of your life… it really isn’t. Treating this as THE time when you NEED to accomplish everything or else is part of how people end up tying themselves up in knots, convinced that they missed their window and are doomed to die alone and unloved.
And it isn’t. Leaving aside that high-school is barely-controlled chaos full of kids in the throes of puberty, hormones coursing through their bodies while also trying to figure out who they are and how social dynamics work… it’s also a transition period, rather than an end-state. More often than not, the romantic or sexual relationships you have in high-school aren’t going to last, especially not past graduation.
High-school isn’t the time to try to date seriously, in my opinion. It is, however, a great time to start laying the groundwork for the skills, talents and behaviors that’ll help you date successfully later on.
Now with that in mind: you, my friend, need to be more zen when it comes to girls. Frustration and annoyance are unattractive in anyone who isn’t Dr. Gregory House, and since you’re not popping Vicodin and nearly killing patients every 50 minutes, I suggest you try to relax a little. As I said, your best move is to not obsess about girls and spend more time working on yourself. Despite what television and movies keep telling us – not the critical time of your life. And frankly, if high-school is the best time of your life, all that indicates is that you need to do things differently so that your life gets better, both now and in the future.
Now here’s the thing: I’m a huge geek. I mean, it’s not like the “Nerd” in my branding stands for France, after all. But being a nerd or geek shouldn’t be the ONLY thing that defines you. I love me some MCU movies and I can talk your ear off about my favorite comic writers and video games, but that’s just one part of who I am.
One thing far too many nerds and geeks do that cuts their knees out from under them is that they define themselves almost exclusively by what they consume instead of by what they do. All work and no play may make Jack a dull boy, but so does making your life all about the games you play or the books you read. You don’t want to just be able to spout facts about stuff, you want to DO stuff too.
That’s why you don’t need to quit reading comics, but you DO need to be able to talk about things that aren’t comics or making “DANGER ZOOOOONE!” jokes. And that’s coming from someone who uses “Wait, are we not doing phrasing anymore?” like it’s punctuation.
And while holding doors and picking up books are noble and chivalrous, they’re not exactly going to make you the Don Juan you hope to be, especially if girls can tell you’re simmering with resentment. Neither is venting in your room by yourself. So dial it all back a notch.
What you need to do is take this time and use it productively by working on your personal development. Go to a dermatologist to work on the acne issues, get some new glasses and clothes, study the basics of social interaction (you can check out “The Basics” tag on doctornerdlove.com for a good starting point) and focus make yourself a more interesting person overall. Sports and literature are a great start! You want to be healthy and active (and healthy comes in many different shapes and sizes) as well as well-rounded, intellectually. I recommend that you look into cultivating some hobbies that encourage you to be social as well; theater, music, volunteer work, after-school jobs… you’re at an age where much of your life should be about collecting experiences and stories and getting into social shape for the years to come. As you calm down and feel more confident and secure in yourself, you’ll find people’s attitudes towards you changing.
And don’t worry about your parents; in two years you’ll be headed off to college and ready to start your new life out in the great wide world.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com