DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been meaning to ask you this question for a long time because, frankly, I think this is a kick in the ass that’s been a long time coming.

I’ve been a fan of your site for a long time and it’s been fun and funny getting a dose of masculinity that pushes back on the BS narratives that our culture peddles when it comes to love, sex, and dating. I am pretty sex positive, I feel comfortable in my own brand of masculinity, and at this point in my life I am loving being single even though I’ve been thinking  more and more often lately about giving online dating a try (I’m going to be 38 this year, am a virgin, and I do not give a flying frak that I’m a virgin).

There’s just one problem that continues to persist and bug me in my adult life that, even when I try to take the stance of “those feelings will ALWAYS be there and I just have to get used to it”, and it’s a case of Oneitis I have had for almost twenty years. I have a friend, I’ll call them Lee, and I’ve known her since my freshman year of college. To me (cue Swiss commercials of chocolate), she is one of the nicest, kindest people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing and right now, one of my best female friends. And we have not seen each other in person since her wedding a decade ago now, and even before that most of our communication was via text, which we chat almost daily.

It didn’t really click until a few years back that this was even Oneitis because I had thought I had moved on, but when I think of love and sex, to be honest, Lee is one of the first people to always float to the surface of my mind. And our online only friendship has allowed this perfect idea of an imperfect person to become lodged in my head, and at this point my feelings towards her are so complicated that, I want to be a good friend to her while also being true to myself and moving the frak on to find happiness without her romantically, and I think Lee wants me to be happy too. And I think if I went nuclear and cut them out of my life, it would result in a lot of hurt feelings on both sides, especially with it being so out of the blue.

Now, I’ve been s--tty at times, especially when I was in my twenties and was emotionally needy as hell. That’s another reason I want to fix this is because Lee tolerated a LOT of online BS from me. I was emotionally needy countless times and I constantly sought validation from her. It was so bad, I even shared what my various kinks and fetishes were with Lee, just so I could feel some form of acceptance for my fantasies. I’m now a lot better getting my validation from myself, but back then it was bad. Lee said they’ve forgiven me for how I used to act, and even now I try not to talk about sex topics with her unless it comes up naturally in conversation, like if she ask how my adult fetish art hobby is doing (which is another story). So, she has given me nothing but support, and I need to move on.

(As an aside, I think I was guilty of an assumption I think a lot of men in their twenties try to do when they first learn about sex positivity, which is to just be upfront about the things they like and damn the consequences without regards to how other people feel, and to encourage that attitude in others when they might prefer to keep their sexual feelings and likes to themselves.)

The other thing that doesn’t help is how similar I seem to be to Lee’s partner, Ben. There are times when Lee is talking about Ben that, it is eerie how similar we are without trying, from our temperaments to our likes and dislikes to how we act. It’s one more fly in the ointment where I wonder if we might have had a relationship in a different life, but then I wouldn’t be the person I am today with twenty years of growth and struggles that I think have made me a better person than if I had gotten married in my twenties. And then there are the times Ben and Lee get in arguments and fights and I want to rush to Lee’s defense and, I can’t because there are things a man can’t say about his female friend’s partner without sounding like a jerk, even if there are times I’m concerned that Ben’s protectiveness creeps into being controlling but I don’t know how to say it or bring it up tactfully. I also can’t say how pretty I think she still is when she struggles with her weight or other various problems and ailments that come her way.

So, while on the one hand, I’m fairly certain I have a type and, while Lee isn’t perfect, she meets a LOT of the things I think I’d look for in a romantic partner and has helped me realize what I want, I have to recognize that Lee is happily married and can only be my friend, and I need to move on, and I know that is something she would want me to do too. She has said as much when I’ve talked about my lack of a love life, and I want to be true to our friendship. And I wanted to say, to other sufferers of oneitis, please do your best to move on and not get stuck in the same rut for twenty years like me.

Signed,

Ready-For-The-Guillotine 

DEAR READY-FOR-THE-GUILLOTINE: Alright, someone call the porter because there’s a lot to unpack here.

It’s hard to know where to start, but we can start with the ways you’re making this harder on yourself than it has to be. The first and most obvious example is the idea that this is a complicated situation and your feelings are hopelessly entangled and… well, they really aren’t. You have feelings for the version of Lee that exists in your head and you aren’t ready to give them up.

I’m not entirely surprised by this; you’ve made being in love with her (for suitably variable definitions of love) part of your identity. One of the reasons why folks are often reluctant to give up on their unrequited crush is because that crush has become part of how they define themselves. They’ve made “I’m in love with X and they won’t love me back” a core part of their self-concept — the answer to “who are you?” It’s not terribly surprising, honestly; unrequited love is incredibly dramatic. It’s prime fodder for quick and easy character depth. I mean, how many shows are airing right now that feature main characters who are at least partly defined by the fact that they’re in love with someone who doesn’t love them back?

I mean, that’s at least half of the shows on the CW, bare minimum.

But the problem is that the drama in and of itself is addictive; it makes everything feel so much more intense and significant than if you just treated it as “well, I’ve got an annoyingly persistent crush”. And that feeling of intensity and drama makes it much easier to rationalize why you can’t accept things and move on. This is part of why you have created this false dichotomy where your options are “these feelings will just be there FOREVER and I have to get used to it” and “I have to take the nuclear option, cut ties and never talk to her again.” Those aren’t your only options; they’re just more exciting and play more to the imaginary drama that you star in.

Now to be fair: all of this sounds like I’m being dismissive or condescending and I’m honestly not. I know exactly of which I speak; I have been there, I have done that and I have the (thankfully long deleted) emo LiveJournal posts to prove it. And trust me: I am very familiar with that incredibly polarized language you’re using because I’ve done it myself.

Another clue about this is the fact that you say a lot in your letter, but it’s the things you don’t say that’re a little more telling. Specifically: the lack of any other attempts to move on. You talk about how long you’ve had these feelings for her, but you don’t talk about, say, ever actually trying to date anyone else. The closest you come to bringing this up is “thinking more and more about trying online dating”. I notice the lack of “again” or “one more time” in that. That’s a kind of important tell; it’s difficult to maintain a case of Oneitis when you’re making good faith efforts to date other people. This is especially true when you, y’know, haven’t seen them in person in 10 years.

(I wish to stress that the operative word here is difficult, not impossible; again, been there, done that, etc. etc.)

And then there’re things like the ways you compare yourself to her partner; you use the supposed similarities between you and Ben to maintain the belief that you and Lee could work. I mean, he’s basically you except for the parts where he’s a jerk, right? So clearly this is meant to be, if she would just realize it. I mean what does he have that you don’t?

Besides Lee, anyway?

Are the two of you similar? Probably, in some ways. That’s not exactly surprising or a sign of anything. If you were to do a general survey, you’d probably see very quickly that the vast majority of people’s romantic partners are similar to their friends. After all: those are the personality types that they click with. People, as a general rule, don’t start relationships with folks who are polar opposites from the people they’re friends with. It would be a little weirder if you (or Ben) weren’t similar to one another. However, there are also very clear differences — those differences are part of the x-factor that affects who we are romantically or sexually interested in vs. who we like as friends.

Then there’s the fact that you’re manfully holding yourself back from doing things that you feel, on some level, like they might ruin your chances with Lee. Things like criticizing somebody’s partner when they’re treating that person badly or offering reassurance or commiseration when they’re feeling down are things friends do for their friends. While I can understand not wanting to sound like you’re badmouthing Ben in hopes of somehow Svengali-ing your way into Lee’s pants, just between you, me and everyone reading this… there’s the part of you that’s hoping Lee will recognize that you’re the better match and look at how good you are about not trying to interfere, isn’t there?

And look, there’s also the fact that Lee is your primary, possibly only, source of validation and emotional intimacy. That likely has a lot to do with why you fell for her in the first place. Guys, especially guys with few close friends, are often so starved for emotional intimacy that when they finally experience it — usually from a female friend — they confuse it for romantic attraction. And when the object of your affection is your main — or again, only — source of intimacy, it’s much harder to step back from that. Even when that’s precisely what you need.

So, how do you get over this stubborn case of Oneitis? Well, the usual cure is time, experience and maturity… usually as part of dating around and realizing that as wonderful as your crush may be, there’re millions of other women out there who are just as amazing, if not more so. As a wise man once said:

Our love is one in a million, you couldn’t buy it at any price

But of the nine point nine nine nine

Hundred thousand other possible loves

Statistically some of them would be equally nice

But this is completely contingent on actually being willing to let go of the dream of ever being with Lee. That doesn’t mean that you need to just FORCE HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE, nor does it mean JUST GETTING USED TO THOSE FEELINGS. The former is unnecessary, and the latter isn’t true. What it means is that you live your life as though you weren’t nursing this long-standing crush. That means, among other things, acting like a friend to Lee instead of Perfect Alternate Universe Boyfriend. It means actually making a point of going out and dating — possibly even going and just getting your v-card punched because f--k it, why not? Will that cure your Oneitis? Probably not, not in and of itself. However, it is something that would mark a change in your life. That change would serve as a convenient delineation of life before/life after. And also hey, sex is awesome and folks who enjoy it should go out and have more.

But it also means understanding why you’ve let things linger for so long and what you’re getting from this that you’re afraid to give up. In this case, it means having more sources for intimacy and friendship besides Lee. While I’m sure she’s great, you’ve put all of your metaphorical eggs in that particular basket, and that’s perpetuating this mess. Just as having more sources for dopamine and oxytocin are key to getting over a break-up, having more than one place to go to get your needs met is going to be critical to getting over Lee.

This also means being willing to deprioritize her, at least for now. You can’t get over somebody if you’re constantly reinforcing how much you love and miss her and oh if only things could be different. If you’re having Pavlovian reactions to the text message notification or texting her constantly, then you’re making it that much harder to let her go. While this doesn’t mean that you have to cut her off, it does mean that she needs to be a lower tier of importance to going out, meeting people and making more friends.

And what about those feelings? Well, part of what you need to do is learn that they’re just that: feelings. They’re not commands. They’re not imperatives that must be acted upon. They don’t define you. They’re just something you’re experiencing. Part of how you learn to deal with those inconvenient emotions isn’t to try to get rid of them, it’s simply to recognize them for what they are. When you feel those feelings well up, you note them and name them and just move on. “Oh, yeah, I’m experiencing my crush on Lee right now.” “Ah, ok, I’m currently feeling jealous of Ben, good to know.” It sounds odd, but simply acknowledging that you’re feeling these things by name takes away their power. By being mindful of your feelings and recognizing them, you also realize that you don’t feel them all the time. The more mindful you are, the more you recognize how much time you spend not feeling them and not dwelling on them. Similarly, they remind you that feelings aren’t definitional; you aren’t defined by being in love with Lee, you’re feeling things about Lee. As absurd as it sounds, this diminishes the amount of power those feelings have over you and lets you move forward.

You don’t need to give up your friendship with Lee, but you do have to be willing to allow it to change. And yes, letting go of your Oneitis is going to change that friendship. What it will become is up in the air. However, being afraid to lose it entirely is as much about your unwillingness to let go of your Oneitis. Until you are able to accept that there will be a change… nothing can change. It may be scary to risk the (non-zero) possibility of your friendship changing, unless you take that chance, you’re going to be stuck in this rut for even longer. And you’ve been stuck there for long enough.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: It seems many people look for others in bars. However, I just do not understand the logistics on a physical or mechanical level. What I mean by this is that I know that approaching someone from behind is rude, but how do you even approach then? Everyone is facing towards the same wall, and it’s not like customers are allowed behind the bar. So how is it even possible to not approach from behind?

Furthermore, what is the etiquette with the rest of the bar? Is it appropriate to approach someone at a table? Someone standing around? Someone talking to others? I’m not being obtuse here, I really do not know. Because between all of this, I cannot think of any time I have seen an even remotely approachable woman at a bar. Everyone is some combination of:

1. Just facing the bar, sitting between people.

2. Sitting at a table, talking to a group of people.

3. Standing around, talking to a group of people.

So how is a man supposed to approach a woman in a bar, on a mechanical level?

Barfly On The Wall

DEAR BARFLY ON THE WALL: Before we get to the logistical issue, I want to correct a few misunderstandings that you seem to have. First, approaching someone from behind isn’t a great idea, not because it’s rude but because it can be startling. If you’re not expecting someone to come up behind you, it can be incredibly jarring. Women, in particular, can be sensitive to folks they don’t see rolling up on them because that can be goddamn terrifying. That’s not an ideal way to start off talking to a stranger.

(Also, I’m wondering what bars you’ve been to where everyone is facing the same wall. This sounds less like a bar and more like a Cybermen convention…)

Part of the issue is that much is going to depend on the bar. Your local watering hole where folks go to drink in quiet is going to have a very different vibe than a college bar in the entertainment district. As a general rule, if you’re going to a bar to meet people, then one thing you want to do is make sure you’re going to a bar where people actually go to mix and mingle and meet people.

Next, it makes life much easier to watch for folks who want you to come talk to them. There’re a number of indications of interest, the most common and reliable is someone who makes eye contact and smiles. And this doesn’t “meets your eyes and immediately looks away”, but someone who makes lingering eye contact and smiles, or who meets your eyes, looks away and looks back and smiles. If you get that from someone then you owe it to yourself to go talk to them right the hell then.

Similarly, you want to prioritize talking to people who are actually open to talking to folks. One of the ways you can tell is to watch their body language. Where is everybody facing and looking? If you see a group of people in a tight circle, with everyone facing inwards, then they’re not that interested in having people join them. They’re doing their own thing, talking with one another and aren’t looking to add a stranger to the group. However, a more open circle (even a semi-circle) where they’re spaced out and aren’t all facing one another is an indicator that they’re more likely to be receptive to talking to somebody new.

The same goes for if you see folks who are actively looking around. If you see a person or a group of people who have their back to the wall or the bar and are facing out towards the rest of the bar, then they’re actively checking things out and seeing what’s up. They may or may not be interested in talking, but they’re definitely more open to the possibility than someone who’s up at the bar and staring into their drink. It’s much easier to go talk to them and get a conversation started.

Now, talking to someone sitting next to you at the bar is actually very easy. Assuming that you aren’t at a bar where everyone is there to nurse their drink and leave, then all you really need is a plausible conversation starter. You’ve likely either done this yourself before or seen someone else do it and responded to it. If you’ve ever, say, been standing around waiting for your coffee at Starbucks or hanging out in a line waiting to get in somewhere and somebody made a comment and another person responded… well, you’ve seen the plausible conversation starter in action. This can be anything from making a comment about a thing that’s happening in the bar, start a conversation with the bartender (assuming they aren’t too busy to actually talk) or just saying something that invites a response.

There can also be times when you might overhear something that the person next to you said and respond to that; I’ve joined many conversations when, say, somebody at the bar was from out of town and trying to figure out where they were going to go next. That served as a natural introduction to the conversation (“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear…”) and then provide a natural pivot from whatever started the conversation to getting to know them (“…sorry, where are my manners? Hi, may name is…”).

Incidentally, that same approach works for groups of people talking — assuming they’re giving that open-to-talking body language. A lot of people who aren’t used to talking to strangers at bars will often use an indirect method of getting the conversation started. The most common method is to ask for their help by getting an opinion on something, then pivoting from the conversation starter to getting to know them (“So how do you guys know each other?”).

Now, folks who are sitting at a table or in chairs or other seating areas, is a little more of a challenge. Most folks aren’t going to be worried that a stranger joining them is going to be a drain and they’re going to be stuck dealing with him. Again, if their body language indicates that it’s not a closed group or you’re getting an approach invitation from someone (especially the eye-contact-and-smile), then the initial approach is much the same as talking to a group of people standing around. You initiate the conversation with a plausible conversation starter. What changes, however, is that if they seem to be interested in engaging with you, then you don’t want to just be hovering over them. If there’s an open seat or a place to sit by them, while you’re going through the opening (“Hey, can I get an outsider’s opinion on something?”) then you ask if you can sit. However you don’t just sit; you want to give a little white lie and say “I’ve only got a second before I have to go/ get back to my friends/ meet my buddies at X place”. This is what’s known as a false time constraint; you’re letting them know that this stranger isn’t going to try to occupy their evening. You’ve got a time limit after which you’re going to get up and go get back with your friends. This lets them relax, rather than be thinking about how they’re going to politely ask you to leave (or abandon their seats). If the conversation is going well and they’re enjoying talking to you, then you have nothing to worry about. They’ll be happy that they met this cool and interesting person. If it isn’t going well… well, you’ve got a natural and easy reason to eject.

Incidentally, it’s not nearly as difficult to talk to people in groups as it may seem. I’ve written a  lot about how to approach and talk to people in groups and you should check it out. However one key to doing so is that you don’t want to roll up and just start talking to the woman you’re interested in. That’s a good way to get squeezed out. Even if your intentions are as pure as the driven snow, people will take that as a sign that you’re only there to hit on her. What you want to do is start broad and go narrow. That is: you start by addressing the group as a single entity; you’re talking to all of them at the same time. Then, as they warm up to you, you start to give more attention to individuals within the group — asking them specific questions or directing a comment to them. As things progress, you can direct more of your attention to the person you’re interested in. Taking this approach makes it much easier to, if not befriend the group, get enough of their approval that they aren’t going to see you as someone who’s only goal is to try to hit on one of their friends and pull her away from the group. If you can befriend the group and help them realize just how of a good guy you are, then it won’t be as weird when you start vibing with the person you’re into.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: When it comes to the topic of consent, that is definitely better than just thinking you can read someone’s mind. However, one thing I’ve noticed where these discussions fall short and I’ve never been able to see an answer to, is that asking for consent to something is potentially a transgressive act, and someone could feel creeped out or violated merely by being asked for consent to something.

Examples of this could be things like approaching someone or hitting on them. Asking for consent to approach is a contradiction in itself, as you cannot ask without approaching in the first place, as well as consent to hit on someone, because as soon as you ask, that person knew you wanted to do that and can feel violated because of it. This can also be further on in the relationship, even after they’ve already had sex a few times. If one person has a fetish that’s outside of social norms and wants to use it within the bedroom, asking for consent is definitely important there. But it could also be transgressive, since the person could be offended that their partner could even think of seeing them like that, or that they might be one of THOSE people and feel violated for that.

And obviously, asking for consent to ask for consent is a ludicrous idea, it might as well just be asking for consent. So how does someone ask for consent in situations like these?

Looking For Lines

DEAR LOOKING FOR LINES: This is going to seem like a digression, but there’s a point to it; stick with me for a second.

So, Pride month has come and gone, and so have some of the supposed “controversies” that crop up around it. For the last few years, there’s been a concerted effort by folks to try to undermine Pride in various ways. Sometimes it’s involved arguing about respectability politics and who does or doesn’t “belong” at Pride. Other times it’s been about trying to create divisions within the LGBTQ community. This year, the discourse has centered around whether kink has any place at Pride and how people who’ve come to Pride “may not have consented” to, say, seeing someone wearing a leather harness or wearing a puppy play mask. Many people have pointed out that much of this discussion around whether someone wearing clothes that signal an interest in BDSM or other kinks is somehow a consent violation runs the risk of defining down consent to the point of meaninglessness or trying to apply it to things that it doesn’t actually apply to.

(Please note: I have no interest in having discussions about whether kink does or doesn’t have a place at Pride in the comments. This is about the similarities in attitudes.)

I couldn’t help but think about that when I read your letter, LFL. I don’t think that you’re trying to dilute what consent means or how it’s used, but I think you’re overthinking to a point that you’re defining it almost to the point of meaninglessness and trying to apply it to areas where it doesn’t actually fit. If I’m being honest, it sounds like a lot of this is an attempt to work out your own approach anxiety or worries about your own sense of self-worth rather than actual questions about consent.

Part of the problem is that you’re conflating the idea of consent — particularly as applied to sexual situations — with the idea that there’s a right to not be offended or upset by something, which is an entirely different issue. It’s quite literally impossible to exist in the world and never come across something you disagree with, are bothered by or don’t like, and attempting to apply the idea of consent to that just dilutes the entire issue. And quite honestly, there’ve been folks who’ve attempted to weaponize that very concept; consider the number of folks who insist that seeing LGBTQ people being demonstrably affectionate with their partner(s) is somehow a violation of their rights. Or the argument from TERFs and anti-trans organizations that being trans — particularly being a trans woman — is somehow a sexual fetish and thus their mere existence in public is somehow dragging bystanders into their sex life.

But let’s look at some of what you’ve brought up.

The idea of “I feel violated by knowing that you were interested in me”, for example, is almost comically over the top. It’s the sort of thing that gets trotted out either as a worst-case fear or somebody’s straw-feminist argument about how asking somebody on a date will get you fired. While somebody’s anxieties can certainly make it feel like this is a possibility, this is more high-school clique s--t AT BEST than reality. The idea of knowing that somebody finds you attractive or desirable is somehow a violation borders on incel logic.

Similarly, consent can’t really be applied to what goes on in somebody else’s head — such as in your example of “being offended that their partner could think of seeing them like that.” Even taking the logistics of it out of the equation — does someone need to ask for permission to fantasize over, say, an Instagram model’s thirst traps? — this goes well into people not having body or mental autonomy. Folks don’t get to control what you think or what you feel, even under the idea of “consent”.

This also gets very rapidly into mistaken ideas of just what consent is or what it’s asking for… or, for that matter, the ludicrously over-the-top scenarios that people throw out to insist that enthusiastic consent is somehow bad or intrusive. Approaching someone and starting a conversation — particularly in places where this is expected behavior — isn’t a transgressive act. Nor is starting to flirt with someone when you’ve caught a vibe. But much of what you’re asking about is covered by basic manners and understanding the social context. Asking if you can sit down or if this seat is taken, for example, is a form of asking for consent. You’re asking for permission to join that person or persons at their table. Similarly, not trying to talk to folks who, say, have headphones on or are absorbed in their book or their phone is simple polineness; they’re not interested in talking to someone at that moment.

There’s also recognizing the social context and what behaviors are acceptable at specific times and aren’t acceptable at others. Somebody having a Tinder account, for example doesn’t mean that they’re also open to being approached by people on Facebook. They’re on Tinder specifically to meet people to date or have sex with; that same token doesn’t apply to Facebook or Instagram. The behavior that’s accepted and expected at a singles bar or a nightclub is going to be unusual (at best) or unwelcome (at worst) at Whole Foods.

Asking your partner about trying your particular kink or fetish isn’t transgressive; it’s advocating for your needs and interests within the scope of your relationship. The idea that merely asking is somehow a violation because your partner might be squicked out by it isn’t an issue of consent, it’s just the codification of the idea that kinks or fetishes are inherently negative and that having an interest in them is somehow violating the integrity of others. Under the scenario you’ve proposed, it’s literally impossible to actually ask somebody… damn near anything, really.

And all of this is without getting into more complex topics like implied consent — knowing, for example, that I can come up and kiss my wife without asking every time — or continual consent. That just ends up taking us further and further afield from a question that’s already pretty out there as is.

Much of what you talk about comes down to basic social calibration and understanding social rules — what is or isn’t acceptable, what is or isn’t rude and so on. You can even maximize your odds of not bothering someone by trying to ensure that you prioritize approaching people who are showing interest in being approached or in talking to you and paying attention to signs of discomfort or disinterest and not staying where you aren’t wanted. You keep things with the bounds of expected social norms, take “no” with good grace and do your best not to step on people’s toes — literally and metaphorically.

Wanting to be sure you go where you’re wanted and cause as little distress as possible is admirable. However, you’re going about it the wrong way, trying to apply concepts in ways that were never intended and that aren’t actually germane to what you’re talking about. That just ends up rendering the concept of consent meaningless and losing its purpose (addressing and challenging sexual violence) entirety.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com