DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Please help me. I am all torn up over staying with my girlfriend or not. We’ve been dating just over 6 months, but despite how much I like her and how well we fit together I have had doubts for much of that time. She is also my first good and real girlfriend.

As soon as I realized how well we got along and how much she liked me, I got scared. I was expecting to have to date several women and hone my skills and attitudes like you teach before I would meet such a great girl. We just got together over the internet right at the time when my life situation got good for me to have a girlfriend, like the Universe lined up for me or something. I was not ready to find myself in a good relationship so soon, because I was looking forward to the hard work and experience of dating many different girls. I feel like I stumbled backwards over the finish line, rather than running the full quarter mile oval. I’m really scared because I am afraid of hurting her, just as I’m afraid of being false to myself.

A good friend/mentor and my counselor both say that building up romantic experience is better than settling down with the first good person to come along. What I did not tell them when I sought their advice, tho, is that I am also motivated by physical beauty: I want to work hard and date beautiful women that would normally render me stupid. My current girlfriend is pretty, but less than hot. Her Whole Self still turns me on, but I cannot shake the curiosity and desire for other body sizes and shapes. What you said before stuck with me, “settling down is settling for.” If I can work to improve myself to date hotties, why not? I’d like to believe there are hot women out there who are also sensitive and caring and click with me.

One of my family said to me that I since I have so many doubts for so long that I ought to free her to find someone who is ready to love her more completely that I can.

I hope my backstory is clear, and that I have provided balanced good and bad qualities of my current nature. My question to you is which voice in my head to listen to and believe: the one that urges me to keep aiming high to develop myself as a man Good With Women (currently I am only good with woman), or the one that says I am being shallow and falling for culture’s pressure of beauty and status and that I ought to just stay with the good thing I have.

Am I being stupid for wanting to drop a pretty good relationship and person for the sake of dating more people and building up my social insecurities? Is staying put the cowardly-comfortable way to avoid the stress of learning how to meet and date more women? Should I stay with her and train myself to be content? What is the most righteous thing to do? I so want to be one of the Good Guys.

Thank you, Doctor.

Bird In The Hand

DEAR BIRD IN THE HAND: Look, can we be honest here? You’ve already made up your mind. You’re just asking me for permission to do what you  want to do, which is to break up with your girlfriend and start chasing hotties because you think you can do better.

Which, hey, fair enough. You can break up with someone for any reason at all. Of course, ruining a perfectly good relationship because you want to chase supermodels is a pretty s--tty reason to break up, but there’s nobody stoping you from doing it. There’s not some board out there that’s going to invalidate your break-up because you’re feeling insecure.

But I’m going to cut you some slack here – not much, because I think you’re being an idiot, but some – because I get the impression you’re pretty young and inexperienced. But that doesn’t mean it’s not on me to pound some wisdom into your head with the Chair Leg of Truth.

First of all: there is no schedule for how relationships are supposed to work. Sometimes you have to date around a lot before you find someone amazing and settle down. Sometimes you get lucky right off the bat. Two very good friends of mine met their wives in high-school. They’ve both been together for decades and are gloriously happy. Throwing away a relationship because it doesn’t go exactly according to the plan in your head is a stupid thing to do and a great way to needlessly hurt somebody.

Especially because – and I’m going to be blunt – this is almost certainly not going to be your last relationship.  To be perfectly frank, the odds of this surviving over time are low, even without you slamming your hand down on the self-destruct button.

Which brings me to point two: all relationships fail until one doesn’t. And while my buddies got lucky and found their partners in their teens, that’s pretty damn rare. The vast majority of people don’t marry their childhood sweetheart.Your first relationship not lasting until death do you part, mind you, is not by definition a bad thing. Like I said: all relationships end. That doesn’t mean that there was something faulty in them or that one of you did something wrong. People change and grow over time; sometimes that means that you grow apart through no fault of one’s own. Sometimes circumstances change. Sometimes relationships just evolve into something else. A relationship ending doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily a failure; after all, if you’ve had a long, loving and mostly happy relationship with somebody, especially somebody you’re still on good terms with afterwards, that hardly sounds like a failure to me.

Point three: monogamy isn’t our natural state. You’re always going to be interested in f--king other people. So’s she. That’s just how humans work; we love f--king. We love f--king so much, that we’re one of only two land-mammal species that have sex outside of estrus. This doesn’t mean that monogamy is bad or wrong, just that it’s difficult. All monogamy means is that you’ve agreed not to sleep with other people. It doesn’t say a damn thing about not wanting to, and being attracted to others doesn’t say anything about the state of your relationship.

Point four: just because you’re in a relationship with somebody doesn’t meant you stop developing or improving as a person. You don’t suddenly have a license to slack off and quit taking care of yourself just because you have a girlfriend. You can still grow, you can still improve your social skills and become a more attractive, dynamic person. The only difference is that you’ll have a partner who, hopefully, is supporting your growth and cheering you on.

Point five: It’s on you to decide what you want from life and the types of relationships you want to pursue. If you want to find someone to settle down with, that’s a perfectly valid choice. If you want to have many different sex partners because that’s just how you roll, that’s fine too. You may want an open relationship, or a poly triad or some other permutation. That’s all well and good. But it should be because that’s who you are, not because that’s how you think you should be or how society tells you that you should be. And I suspect part of your problem is that you’re buying into the idea that you need to be dating somebody who makes your friends jealous.

Real talk time: Being with somebody who makes you happy, who turns you on, who gets you and makes you laugh and helps you feel amazing is more important than dating somebody so hot that people wonder where to find the crossroad where you sold your soul. And frankly, part of how you build up your relationship XP is by being in relationships.

I think throwing someone who makes you happy aside in hopes of finding her-but-hotter is an incredibly stupid thing to do. By not appreciating what you have and focusing only on what you might be able to get is a recipe for being miserable, because you’ll always be looking for the next upgrade. After all, there’s always going to be someone hotter you could, in theory, be bangin’. You’re not looking to settle down yet, and you’re not going to be tying yourself to her forever. Learn to savor what you have for however long you may have it, rather than always looking to the horizon and thinking “yeah… but maybe I could still get Kat Dennings.”

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Is it wrong for me to fear women? Every time I try to talk to a girl my age they never talk back to me. They just give me weird look stare or roll their eyes. All the time. I have also had women call me creepy or weird even coworkers at my job do this. I am currently 24. I don’t look at women anymore nor do I talk to them unless they talk to me first. When I am at the store and a girl is down the aisle I will go the other way or wait for her to leave. I am afraid of women, I don’t want to be charged with a crime of stalking or something of the like. I don’t hate women, I don’t take the red pill or whatever. They just hate me. What should I do to break my fear and have a conversation with the opposite sex?

Don’t Fear The Creeper

DEAR DON’T FEAR THE CREEPER: There are a couple of issues going on here.

The first is that there is something that you’re doing that’s clearly weirding women out. You may not intend to come across as creepy, but somehow you’re giving off a vibe that women – including your co-workers – are finding off-putting. And the answer is, simply: figure out what it is and stop doing that.

Yes, I realize that’s about as useful as saying that the secret to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss, but stick with me for a second.

The problem with diagnosing yourself as a creeper who constantly puts people off with his creepy ways is that… well, creep is in the eye of the beholder, and sometimes the beholder is a dishonest narrative coming from the anxiety in your own brain. Anxiety that, I might add, that you’re pretty clearly suffering from.

Anxiety is a goddamn liar and it will tell you the worst things because you already fear them. And because we have an inherent negativity bias, you’re much more likely to believe that those fear-fueled interpretations are accurate because they confirm what you believe about yourself.

But what if it IS true? What if you’re genuinely creeping people out? How do you figure out what the issue is and fix it?

Well, the first step is doing some honest self-examination. Most of the time when a dude is giving off the creepy-vibe, people will have a concrete example – he may ignore the concept of personal space or constantly bring up inappropriate topics. He may address all of is questions to her cleavage or constantly be trying to touch someone, even after having been warned off. He may be missing out on social cues and not picking up on signs of disinterest or even indications that his presence isn’t wanted.

If you’re continually getting bad reactions from people when you’re approaching then, then I’d be willing to bet that the issue is most evident in either your body language or the way you’re starting the conversation. Now, I have a video about the most common things guys do that can make them come off as creepy — youtu.be/Mkq7EVDXfXQ — which should be a good place to start, but it’s also a good idea to talk to your co-workers. Let them know that you understand that you come off as creepy and you’re trying to fix that, and you’d appreciate knowing just what it is that you’re doing wrong. Hopefully they’re mature enough to realize that you’re making a good faith effort to improve and will respond in kind – and that they can give you something more to work with than “everything, man”.

Your fear of women is the other issue, and I suspect that it’s amplifying everything else. When you’re obsessing about the worst possible outcome – being charged with stalking,  to use your example – it’s going to end up coloring everything you do, from your body language to your word choice, even to the way you interpret the way people react to you. Intellectually, you realize that what you’re picturing is ridiculous, but hey, when your brain decides to kick things into overdrive, rationality goes out the window.

Normally when dealing with a phobia like approach anxiety, the keys are to desensitize yourself over time and to control the symptoms. The brain is ruled by the body, and the fear response is as much about your heart rate and your adrenal glands as it is about the thing that you’re afraid of. Breath control is an excellent way of calming yourself down; breathe in for the count of five, hold it for a moment or two, then breathe out to the count of 10. This helps slow your heart-rate and, in turn, calms you down.

In your case however, I suspect that you may well have a social anxiety issue, which may be an underlying cause of your other problems. It might not be the worst idea to talk to a therapist, especially someone who handles phobias and anxiety problems, about how to get that under control. Talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy can go a long way towards overcoming those fears. Anti-anxiety medication may be an option as well; many anxiety disorders are chemical imbalances, and  readjusting things may the key to breaking the mental cycle that causes you to tense up and panic.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help; it’s actually one of the strongest and bravest things you can do for yourself.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I see a lot of advice about what confidence looks like in men (body language, especially), but I don’t know what confidence looks like for me as a woman. Most flirting behavior for women seems to be based on submission cues, but everyone says to be “confident” while flirting.

While I know submissive confidence is possible from BDSM experience, I think things might be different outside of that specific context. I’m very used to and comfortable with employing masculine confidence in my professional life as an engineer, but I have no idea how feminine confidence would work.

How is masculine vs feminine confidence the same or different, especially for flirting and dating?

— Show, Don’t Tell

DEAR SHOW, DON’T TELL: Confidence is one of those concepts that tends to get confusing really quickly in situations like these, because of how broad of a term it can be and how much people conflate it with other concepts. A lot of people, for example, think that confidence is the knowledge that you can’t fail or that you have all these successes behind you that “prove” you can do something. Others see confidence as believing that you’re the hottest s--t jumping out of the coffee pot.

And honestly, while I think you could make the argument that most of these are forms of confidence, in practical terms, they’re also misleading. For example, incredibly accomplished people are often the least confident. People who have an almost absurd level of accomplishments, education and experience are frequently subject to imposter syndrome and feel like their success is a fluke or a fraud. The issue isn’t how much they know or that they’ve accomplished, it’s their awareness of how much they don’t know. This is also why I don’t by into the idea that you can only develop confidence through success; it’s all too easy to succeed without knowing why or believing that you deserved it.

Similarly, you can believe in yourself to the point of delusion, but that isn’t confidence nor is it terribly attractive. That’s not confidence, that’s arrogance.

Confidence, especially when it comes to dating, isn’t about what you have or haven’t done, it’s in what you understand about yourself. It’s recognizing that failing at something doesn’t make you a failure, that you can not succeed and survive and move forward. It’s about realizing that fear is often just that: fear. It’s something you can overcome. And it’s about having enough belief in yourself that you don’t crumble under the weight of someone else’s opinion.

Part of the point of confident body-language, for example, is about what it says about you. Folding in on yourself, standing hunched over and with your arms wrapped protectively around yourself tells people that you don’t believe you have the right to the space you occupy. It signals to people that you don’t believe in yourself or your own value and so you try to avoid notice and not come in contact or conflict with others. Standing up straight, however, with your shoulders back and your arms loose and relaxed, on the other hand, signals the opposite. You’re not afraid of people taking notice of you, and you are entitled to your space. It’s a sign of your belief in your own worth and capability. You don’t believe that your mere existence is an affront to others; you believe that you have value and aren’t afraid to say so.

Of course, by that same token, someone who sprawls and takes up excess space or infringes on the personal space of others, is exhibiting arrogance and entitlement, not confidence.

So, let’s look at confidence in a dating context — especially for women. Now, I would argue that a lot of the styles of flirting that’re coded as female aren’t submission cues; quite the opposite in fact. While (cis) women’s flirting signals may be subtle, they aren’t necessarily submissive. They’re taking the initiative to send messages… just in ways that are based around current social mores and expectations around gender. The classic “make eye contact, look away, look back and smile”, for example, isn’t a sign of submission. It’s sending the message of “I’ve seen you looking at me, I’ve caught you looking at  me again, which means the first wasn’t a fluke, and y’know what? I approve.” That sequence of behaviors isn’t submission, it’s permission — an indication that she would be receptive to someone coming over and saying hello. Moving into close proximity with someone — either during conversation or as a means of facilitating an approach — is likewise about showing interest and giving permission; it’s a way of saying “I’m comfortable with your physical presence” and “I want to make it easier for you to start talking to me”, respectively. Preening behavior like straightening clothes or adjusting one’s hair is about making sure one is presenting oneself in the best light.

And while an argument could be made that being subtle or sending an approach invitation is submissive because they’re not initiating overtly, it’s also true that a lot of women who flirt openly and directly tend to be punished for doing so — often socially, sometimes physically. But, importantly, women who flirt like this aren’t passively waiting for people to come to them or are just being receptive to anyone who comes along. They’re taking the initiative in a way that encourages the people they’re interested in to come over and say hello. While these signals aren’t as overt or obvious as the ways men tend to flirt, it’s showing interest and giving the other person an opportunity to make their move. They’re clearing the path, as it were… especially since some guys may want to approach but are hesitant to do so.

That’s confidence. It’s an expression of confidence that’s based in part on the social expectations built up around gender… but it’s still confidence. In communities or social groups where there’re fewer restrictions around gender expression — or where women feel comfortable and safe expressing themselves openly —  a lot of the ways that women flirt or show interest tends to be similar to the way men do.

Where confidence comes in isn’t in how overt or covert you act, but in the willingness to own your interest and act on it and to accept the risk of being ignored or rejected. Somebody who stammers and stumbles while trying to talk to someone, but continues to do so rather than running away is displaying confidence. Hesitantly asking somebody out on a date or blushing and being embarrassed while trying to tell someone you like them is being confident. The confidence isn’t about the smoothness or the skill, it’s about doing it at all. Smoothness and skill comes from experience. Confidence is recognizing that being turned down will suck, but you’ll get over it… and so you accept the risk of rejection in order to have the chance to get what you want.

Being willing to express yourself, even when other people disagree is confidence. Not backing down or giving in at the first sign of trouble, resistance or disagreement is confidence. Recognizing that you can overcome inexperience and survive failure are all forms of confidence. Being willing to own your place in the world — physically as well as metaphorically — are forms of confidence.

So in terms of what it looks like: it looks like taking action, because confidence comes from action. It looks like standing one’s metaphorical ground. It looks like making the attempt, even in the face of fear or anxiety. And it looks like advocating for your own interests and needs.

While yes, this sounds incredibly vague or unspecific, that’s because the emotion behind it is more important than the outward expression. How you express confidence is going to depend on the context and situation, and so it’s going to change according to circumstances. It doesn’t automatically mean refusing to use soft language — especially when there may be times that doing so risks your job — nor does it mean being brash and brassy when you’re into somebody. It means doing what needs to be done in that moment, in the way that it needs to be done.

To paraphrase a certain general: be afraid… but do it anyway.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com