DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve recently started to make changes to my life. I’ve started attending counselling to get a handle on regulating my emotions and raise my self esteem so that I don’t depend on others to make me happy and/or develop an obsession with someone who clearly doesn’t like me back. I’ve also joined online groups in my area so that I can socialise with others who share my interests during this horrific pandemic.

However I’ve got a significant obstacle in my path that makes it really hard for me to make friends and it will make it even harder to try my hand at flirting with women who I may be interested in in the future. My problem is i’m way too quiet and reserved to show my emotions or show genuine interest in others when I interact with them, to the point where I come across as aloof. I was raised with the mentality of the “stiff upper lip” where the cultural expectations are that you’re not supposed to show much emotion except when you’re around friends and family members. When you’re around strangers and acquaintances you’re supposed to be as polite and unemotional as possible unless you’re making a passive aggressive insult at someone. This can make it hard for me to make friends with people I’ve just met or flirt with someone that I’m interested in since flirting requires emotional openness by definition.

The only time I show emotion is if I’m pissed and I don’t like getting pissed too often since I know how damaging alcohol can be even if it makes me more giggly and social (also alcohol is expensive for a skint Uni student like myself). Since Canadian culture is much more emotionally open and expressive than the uptight and polite British isles where I hail from I’d like some tips on how to loosen up a bit and be more open and engaging with my peers.

I had a lot of trouble last year socially and I want to improve. Do you have any tips on how I may go about doing that? I figure you would, since you specialise in dating, social skills, and relationships.

Thank you

Lost Uni Student

DEAR LOST UNI STUDENT: First of all, LUS, I’m glad to hear you’re making so many positive changes to your life. That’s excellent, and I hope you keep up the good work!

So let’s talk a little about learning how to be more open and expressive, especially with new people.

While there’s certainly a lot of “keep it all close to the vest” to British culture, the tendency to disconnect from your emotions is something that’s endemic to a lot of male socialization. Men, particularly in the US, are taught that displays of emotion are “unseemly” at best and deserving of mockery at worst. This sort of behavior gets reinforced constantly as a form of gender-policing, most often by other men. You see it when “being emotional” is equated with weakness, femininity or both. You see it when people insist on being “logical” or “sensible” and dismissing feelings as being either distractions or proof that somebody isn’t thinking clearly. And of course, you see it reinforced over and over again in pop culture, when men being emotionally expressive is portrayed as being awkward, uncomfortable or just something to be laughed at. And yet, that same cultural commandment to repress and detach from your emotions is the reason why men are increasingly emotionally isolated and suffering the most in the epidemic of loneliness that the world’s been experiencing. And — speaking from experience — using alcohol as a way of getting into “social” mode or giving yourself permission to be more openly expressive gets problematic very quickly.

Of course, part of the problem is that it can be very difficult to shift this mindset, particularly when you’ve lived with it for your entire life. It’s a little hard to go from being Stoneface McGee to being more open and expressive at the drop of a hat. One of the things I suggest is simply starting small and letting your emotions show on your face. One of the reasons why some folks have a hard time expressing themselves is because they’re wearing a mask of sorts; they try to keep a poker face on at all times. And yet, physically expressing our emotions is a part of how we feel them. By keeping as neutral an affect as possible we actually make it harder to feel and to share those feelings with others. Simply letting yourself smile more can make a huge difference in how you’re perceived by others. Giving folks a genuine smile and nod when you see them can go a long way towards dispelling that sense of being aloof or even arrogant. You may be quiet… but that’s hardly the same thing as being stuck up.

Similarly, being willing to show appreciation for others can help ease you into being more expressive and less shy and reserved. Laughing at people’s jokes — genuine laughs, not a polite, sensible chuckle — or nodding thoughtfully while they talk or simply saying “that’s really cool” or “thank you” can help get you in the habit of being more willing to show how you’re feeling without just trauma-dumping or feelings-vomiting all over the place. They may be baby steps, to be sure, but they can help you get more comfortable with being more outgoing and expressive.

Another thing that I’ve found that helps is an odd practice, but one that works for a lot of people: play a role. One of the things that can be fascinating is how disinhibiting playing pretend can be. People who seem shy and retiring often seem like they’re exploding with confidence and excitement when given a space in which to pretend to be someone else. There’s a level of security there, a distancing from themselves that lets them try on different attitudes and behaviors. They’re not the one being the talkative, flirty social butterfly, it’s just who they’re pretending to be. As long as they’re being someone else, they can embody those behaviors — things that they might have a hard time doing on their own. In this case, you’re taking that principle and applying it to, well, you. You’re essentially playing the role of the “you” that you wish you were. Your future self, if you will, the person that you want to see down the line. While it can seem a little preposterous — you’re pretending to be yourself?? — it actually works. You’re creating a level of psychological distance that lets you pretend that this isn’t you, even though it’s who you wish you were. But at the same time, what you’re doing is taking that future version of yourself and making him real by essentially training yourself to be them. This is part of why “fake it ’til you make it” works so well; by faking being that person, you’re teaching yourself how to become them.

However, I think the most useful thing to do would be to try giving yourself permission to be vulnerable and authentic. Being bottled up and unexpressive isn’t who you are; it’s a shield, protecting you against the judgement of others. By being willing to take ownership of your feelings, being willing to express them and not be embarrassed by them is an incredible display of strength and courage. You’re showing others that you’re not afraid to be your authentic self, to show others how you feel and to be genuine with them. That’s incredibly ballsy; after all, it can feel like you’re opening yourself up to mockery from others. But at the same time: that mockery is often the result of their own discomfort with their own emotions. They’d rather try to shut you down than face their own feelings. Your refusing to make yourself smaller is a power move, and people respond well to that sort of confidence and authenticity.

It’s important to note that none of this is going to be an overnight change. It takes time to habituate yourself to new practices and new behaviors. But with steady, consistent practice, you’ll start turning this from something you have to consciously perform into the emotional equivalent of muscle memory. And I think you’ll find that as people respond positively to you, you’ll find that it will come all the easier, until it feels utterly natural and part of who you are.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I desperately need your help. I’m in my 30s and I can’t seem to move out of the “acquaintance zone” when it comes to making friends.

Growing up, I never had to exercise my friendship making muscles. In high school, I met my best friend immediately and since everyone loved them and we were a package deal, I had a large social circle. Even though we went our separate ways after graduation, I met a classmate on my first day of college who already had a tight-knit group of friends at the school and through my connection with them, I had a close circle of friends for four years. Right after that, I entered a long-term relationship where we spent every weekend with my partner’s friends, so I never felt the need to meet people on my own. My partner and I eventually split up and when they left, so did all “our” friends.

I came to find out that my partner’s friends never liked me very much because of my attitude. In trying to be funny and relatable, I ended up being a very mean and judgmental person with a negative attitude and a nasty habit of talking badly about everyone behind their backs. I was initially hurt by the feedback, but I came to realize that their feedback was a gift and I needed to work on myself or be friendless forever. I worked very hard on making myself a better person, entering therapy, getting proper medication for my issues, picking up new hobbies and an exercise routine and reading lots of advice on how to make friends as an adult.

Eventually, I felt ready to put myself back out there and started joining some clubs and teams that aligned with my interest. I also became more extroverted at work, leaving my desk to spend time with co-workers and coming early to meetings to socialize. Throughout all of this, I’ve been very conscious of not being the jerk I was in my 20s. I find now that I’m able to connect with people on a surface level where they spend time with me at group outings, comment on my social media and act interested in my life, but when there’s a small group going to lunch or a get together outside of our organization, I’m never invited. If I try to arrange something myself I get a non-committal answer and end up being blown off. I seem to be great at making acquaintances, but I can’t cross that threshold into friendship.

To make things more confusing, I have no trouble finding romantic relationships. I’m not particularly attractive or otherwise outstanding as a romantic partner, yet somehow, I find it easy to attract healthy, fulfilling and long-lasting relationship. I’m grateful for this, but I don’t know why I can’t do the same with platonic friendships.

My hygiene is good, I am outgoing, I am interested in what other people have to say, I’m considerate, I’m laid back and I have a wide variety of interests. I feel like I’m the total friend package. What am I doing wrong, Doctor?

– I Want To Be In the “Friend Zone”

DEAR I WANT TO BE IN THE “FRIEND ZONE”: You have a common issue, IWTBITFZ. We as a society are dealing with an epidemic of loneliness — one that has only been exacerbated by the COVID pandemic. We’ve been living increasingly isolated and solitary lives, more so than previous generations, and that takes its toll. Beyond the obvious psychological and mental health implications, loneliness is as bad, if not worse for us as smoking and heart disease. Men, in particular, are hit the hardest by chronic loneliness; after we turn 12, we start to be deluged with the messages that equate emotional intimacy with romantic and sexual intimacy. As a result, we pull back from our guy friends and have less intimate, more activity-based friendships. Our friendships become less about getting together to talk and spend time with one another; we need an activity or excuse that gives us permission in order to do so. And for straight men especially, our partners often take the role of social secretary, shouldering the responsibility of not just arranging get-togethers but managing friendships and relationships. If our partners leave or those relationships end, our friendships tend to wither away at the same time.

As a consequence of this, those social muscles tend to atrophy due to lack of use. That makes it more daunting to make new friends, especially as an adult out of college.

In your case, IWTBITFZ, you gave yourself an extra layer of difficulty. Like a lot of guys, you mistook being sardonic for being clever, cruel for being smart and snark for a personality. House and Rick Sanchez are only appealing on TV; nobody would tolerate them for longer than a hot minute in the real world. So on top of having to rebuild those social muscles, you are having to dig yourself out of a self-imposed hole and rebuild a personality more or less from the ground up.

And hey, you’ve been doing exactly that! That’s awesome, and that’s something you should be proud of. But what that means is that you’re now playing a lot of catch up in order to build a new social circle and move from acquaintances to friends.

One of the issues you’re dealing with is that you’re having to undo a lot of damage that you did before you realized just how much of an asshole you were being. If your coworkers knew you before you and your partner broke up and you started going into therapy, then they already have a solid mental image of who you are as a person. It can be incredibly difficult to shift a negative first impression, in no small part because it becomes the filter through which people see your every move. If you were already a snarky jerk at work, then even being coming back around and trying to be a good guy is going to set off people’s Spidey-Sense. They’re — quite understandably — going to feel like there’s a trap they can’t quite see. Are you being genuine, or are you being nice to their face just so that you can talk s--t about them behind their backs?

The only way you can change that impression is to show that it was wrong or no longer valid… and the longer you were the snarky asshole, the harder it is to demonstrate that change.

The other issue is that friendships are slow to develop. Part of why it’s so easy to make friends in high-school and college is that you are surrounded by people who are similar to you, in similar places in life, who you see every day… often for hours at a time. It’s a perfect storm of circumstances that we almost never see in life again. Once we leave college, we rarely have the same amount of free time to devote purely to socializing. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, life has a tendency to get in the way, especially as our lives change and responsibilities mount up. Work, relationships, children… all of these take up our day, leaving less and less time to spend with friends or to make friends.

Now the good news is that you can solve both of these issues at approximately the same time.

The bad news is that the way you solve them is through time and consistency. Even under the best of circumstances, it takes between 40 – 60 hours together to go from acquaintances to casual friends, between 80 – 100 hours to go from casual friends to friends and about 200 hours to go from friends to close friends. This is why it felt so effortless while you were in school; since you and your peers were together all day, five days a week minimum, you burned through those hours before you even realized it. Now, it’s much harder to get together with your good friends once a week, nevermind people you’re only just starting to get to know. As the joke goes: the real fantasy of Dungeons and Dragons is the idea that six people in their 30s can get together every week for hours at a time.

To be sure: you have made a start, and that’s good. You’re making inroads with co-worker, you’ve joined clubs and met people who share similar interests. Finding your tribe, your team, your people is a critical part of laying the foundation for making new friends.

But it’s important to realize that this is just how the whole process starts. What you need to do now is make sure that you keep building on those connections. One of the things that you may want to consider — especially if you’re still trying to overcome a reputation as That Asshole At Work — is to focus on people on an individual level, not just the group. One of the most valuable things a person can have — whether they’re looking for a romantic partner, a job, or just making new friends — is social proof; that is, people who will vouch for you to others. Just as being friends with women makes it easier to meet women who want to date you, having folks at work who can say “yeah, IWTBITFZ was a s--thead but he’s really made a change” goes a long way towards shifting those initial impressions of you. And even if that wasn’t your at-work reputation, having a solid connection with one person makes it easier to start connecting with others. The first adopter or first follower is often the most important because they’re the ones that inspire others to join in. Once people see that Jay or Neilson or Caroline like spending time with you, they’re much more likely to also spend time with you. That makes it easier to plan group events that people will actually show up for.

Another thing to remember is that you’re going to need to not just build those connections, but to maintain them. This is where repetition and consistency come into play. Sociologists say that it takes getting together at least once every couple of weeks in order to maintain a friendship. Having regularly scheduled get-togethers makes it much easier to keep friendships going. If you’re springing a Friday night get together on folks on Wednesday or Thursday, you run the risk of their already having made plans. When people know that there’s a poker night every other Friday, they’re more likely to carve out the time in their schedule to ensure they show up. And if they can’t make it that time, knowing that there’ll be another makes them more likely to show up for the next. Plus, having those regular events and get-togethers gives you something to invite new folks to, or to tell your casual acquaintances to bring some of their friends. That, in turn, helps you make a stronger, more positive first impression with the new folks and cement a reputation as The Guy That Holds Cool Parties or what-have-you.

Most importantly, however, is that you want to be the friend that you want to have. Whether you’re dealing with people on a one-on-one basis or as a group, you want to model the sort of friendship that you’re looking for. Humans are pack animals after all, and we take our cues from the people around us. When you act like the friend that you want to have, you’re demonstrating to them the sort of behavior you would like to see and, in turn, giving them permission to act the same way. The more you can show folks who you are now and what you are looking for, the more likely you are to find the people who are looking for the same thing… and who are willing to follow your lead.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I (a man) have been together for just over two years. I feel like we moved much too fast at the beginning of our relationship. We said the L word before even having been together for 2 weeks, and we moved in together after 6 months. I have also been having doubts in general about whether I wanna stay in this relationship. (I’m pretty sure I’ve already made up my mind, but I don’t know how to go about it.)

At the beginning of the year, we took some time away from each other, thinking that would help, and it did for a hot minute, but now we’re right back where we started. I think this relationship has reached its natural conclusion, to use a term learned from you. I think it might be useful to note that he loves me to the point where he’ll have me in any way he can get me, which I think is extremely unhealthy.

Recently, he’s started telling me not to masturbate. In his defense, I don’t get horny very often, which means we don’t have sex as often as he’d like. Now, I’m the kind of person that if you tell me not to do something, that’s only gonna make me wanna do it more. He doesn’t really tell me what to do in other aspects of life, but this is kinda the straw that broke the camel’s back for me.

The only thing that’s keeping me from pulling the trigger is myself. He’s become such a strong and constant presence in my life over the last two years and I’m terrified of starting over.

I’d love to hear your two cents.

Sincerely,

Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place

DEAR CAUGHT BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE: So there’re two things here I want to focus on, but let’s start with the obvious: you’ve already decided that you’re going to break up with him. The only question is “when” and “how”.

But before we get to that, I want to zero in on the “told me not to masturbate” part because I think this is an indicator of a disconnect in your relationship. This may be one of the reasons why it’s reached its end, it may be a “final straw”,  but I think it’s also a sign that there’s possibly some communication issues going on.

Normally, I would say that demanding that one’s partner stop masturbating (or looking at porn or whatever other harmless-yet-emotionally-fraught-habit comes up) is a fracture point outside of some sort of chastity-play scenario. Demanding veto power over what a person does with their own body is demanding a surrender of control that most people aren’t going to be cool with. In fact, that’s part of why the Proud Boys and other groups make such a big deal about restricting masturbation; it’s demanding that you give up your bodily autonomy to someone else.

However, in this case, context is key and there’s some important context here: you have a lower sex drive than he does and he’s feeling neglected, sexually. In this case, I suspect that the issue is less “I demand that you give up your right to masturbate so that I may control your actions” and “Look, we’re not having much sex as it is, I would appreciate it if you didn’t jerk off and lower the odds of us having sex even further.” Now, if that’s what he meant and he didn’t phrase it as clearly as he could have… well, that’s a communication snafu in and of itself. But if it is a case of his asking for you to do something to up the odds of the intimacy that he feels is lacking… I honestly don’t think that’s such a big ask. And under those circumstances, a reflexive “I shall INCREASE THE THING” becomes kind of inconsiderate. Either way: that’s the sort of thing that needs to be discussed openly and clearly. Misunderstandings can end up being the metaphorical pebble in the shoe for relationships.

But again, you’ve already decided that you’re out the door, so it’s a mostly moot point, although I’d say pointedly jacking it is going to be actively disrespectful even as the relationship is coming to an end.

And that’s really the issue here: what’s the best way to end a relationship that’s all but over anyway?

My overall philosophy about break ups is relatively simple: try to avoid as much unnecessary pain as possible. It’s more or less impossible to end a relationship without some pain — there really isn’t a good way to say “I don’t want to date you any more — but a lot of the pain of a break-up is often something that can be avoided. Part of the process is making it as quick and clean of a break as you can. Long, lingering break-ups are soul-crushing, especially when the person being broken up with doesn’t realize how long it has actually been going on. A lot of folks find out that their ex was ready to hit the eject button a lot earlier than they actually did, and that retroactively poisons the relationship. Now they’re left having to wonder just how many “happy” memories they have actually involved their partner dying to be away from them.

The same goes for trying to be friends afterwards. While, again, I’m firmly on the record that being friends with one’s exes is a mark in a person’s favor, a lot of folks try to do the “we can still be friends” far too early — often as soon as the break up is official. This tends to be a huge mistake, albeit one that usually comes from a place of good intentions. 99% of the time, neither of you are in a place where you can be friends yet; you need time to heal, distance from the relationship to get perspective and a chance to rediscover who you are, now that you’re no longer part of a gestalt whole. When you try to make the immediate leap from “lovers” to “friends” with no time between, you often either just continue the same dynamics that broke you up in the first place… or you get one person who’s done and ready to move on and another who thinks that this is a temporary measure and that there’s a way to get back together again. That second one is especially prevalent when one person started getting over the relationship before it even ended. As a result: you get a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of (not unreasonable) accusations of unfairness, bad faith or manipulation and no small amount of heartbreak on top of heartbreak.

All of this is why I think that if you’re going to do this, CBRHP, then you should do it quickly, cleanly and definitively. That means being absolutely clear that this is a break up, not a “break”. It also means being firm and direct: you’re ending things because this relationship is no longer right for you. I know there’s the temptation to soft-sell the break-up, but honestly I find that this backfires more often than it helps. Giving some squishy reason why it has to end — you’re not in the right place right now, you need to explore options, what-have-you — tends to give the impression that this is a temporary situation. It also gives the impression that you’ve got second thoughts but you’re doing this anyway and leads the person being dumped to try to plead for more time and to try to kick the can down the road… usually in hopes that the dumper will stay, after all. Not only does this turn into a laborious “slowly-peeling-off-the-bandage” process, but the truth usually comes out anyway and causes more hurt down the line. Making a clean break means being willing to own the one-sided-ness of the break-up. Yeah, it may make you feel like the asshole… but how long are you going to stick around in order to avoid that? Another month? Six months? A year?

The same goes for being terrified of starting over. While I absolutely get that fear… again, how long are you going to stick in a relationship that isn’t working for either of you just to avoid that momentary discomfort? How long are you going to keep your boyfriend living a false dream, just because you are worried — understandably — about being single again for the first time in a while?

Here’s my suggestion: make your preparations now — both for ending things cleanly with your boyfriend but also to give him as gentle a landing as you can. You want to be in a position that you can cut ties as cleanly and quickly as possible after saying the words “I’m breaking up with you”. That means arranging the logistics of your leaving in such a way that you don’t drag things out and have an extended series of mini-break-ups after the fact.  That may well mean having made arrangements to stay somewhere else — either until you find a new place or he does, assuming you’re still living together after your time apart. It also means giving friends — his or mutual  — a heads up that your ex is going to need company and TLC  (as much as one can give during a pandemic and quarantine, granted) because you’re about to end things with him.

Now you may not be able to get everything in place right off the bat. Don’t let that be an excuse for putting off the break up. The longer that lingers, the worse it’s going to be all around. And when you do end things: try to be as compassionate and respectful as you can. You may be doing something that needs to happen, but it still hurts and it’s going to suck for everyone. You don’t have to tell him that this is because you think you two moved too fast, or that you think his feelings for you are unhealthy. You don’t need to run down all the reasons why you’re ending it. All he needs to know is that this is no longer working for you, and you’re ending it. A unilateral break may feel unfair, but hey: relationships aren’t like launching the nukes. It doesn’t take two people to turn the keys; if one person decides it’s done, then it’s done.

The more respect you can treat your boyfriend with as you end things, the greater the odds that you and he can find a way to be friends again afterwards.

It sucks and I’m sorry it’s come to this, CBRHP. But the clean break heals the fastest, and that’s the kindest thing you can do for him right now. It may not feel that way right now, but it’ll make all the difference down the line.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com