DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been a fan of yours for awhile. The topic that you cover about dealing with rejection and how to enjoy being single (even when you don’t want to be), has helped me a great deal these past few weeks.
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Let me give you some background information before I ask my question. I am a 27 year old cis-gendered male, who recently asked out a girl and got rejected. She gave the “let’s be friends” speech. She also used to be my co-worker before she started to pursue a masters. I will say the one silver-lining is I believe she was 100% genuine about being friends, because she has said on a few occasions that she wants to keep in touch with me after leaving the company.
I have developed pretty strong unrequited feelings for her, because I was able to connect with her so deeply emotionally. I felt that not only did we have a lot in common, but we were also compatible, had similar values and were very supportive of one another at work. Plus COVID-19 gave her and I a lot of time to spend together getting to know each other for the past few months. I will mention that, twice she brought up that she had a lot on her plate with life, and wasn’t looking to pursue a relationship right now, so I probably should have saw the rejection coming a mile away when I asked her out on a date.
Cut to now. I legitimately want to remain friends with her, so I invited her to virtual trivia with my friend group. She accepted the invitation and is happy to still hangout with me. I still harbor feelings for her and would be lying if I wasn’t hoping she may change her mind down the road. However, I am not going to wait for that to be the case, so I am trying to set up an online dating profile for the first time in my life. I’m hoping that connecting with other women, even when I still can’t be with them physically because of the pandemic, will help me feel attractive again to women I’m attracted to. Also, it would be nice to have someone I could date and develop a close relationship with that I can see after COVID-19 is less of an issue.
So my question is: how do you set up a successful dating profile when you don’t have really any current selfies, or photos of you hanging out with friends or doing activities you enjoy?
I literally joined Facebook and Instagram 2 weeks ago at 27(never had any social media before then), and never was in the habit of taking photos of my life and adventures. Also, with the pandemic I’m kind of limited in things I can do in my city, and cool selfies I could take outside my apartment to fix this issue.
Any online dating photo hacks or advice are greatly appreciated.
All Hail The Instagram Filter
DEAR ALL HAIL THE INSTAGRAM FILTER: So I’m not going to get too deep into the fact that being “friends” with someone in the hopes that you’ll change their mind is a bad idea, AHIF; if you’ve been reading this column for a while, you already know that.
Instead, let’s focus on getting you up and running on some dating apps, so that you don’t put all your hopes on watering a (potentially) dead plant.
Here’s the thing about photos on dating apps, AHIF: people — mostly men, but women too — misunderstand the point of them. A lot of men tend to assume that the photos on dating apps are about showing off their so-called “sexual market value”; that is, trying to hit as many potential attraction switches as possible. That may mean showing off your physique, your fancy car, the “cool” things you’ve done… basically, trying to stack as many bonuses and display them like the tail of a peacock. This is how you inevitably end up with dudes with Tinder profiles where you could swap pictures of them out for pictures of an absurdly jacked kangaroo and never notice the difference.
(That’s also, incidentally, why I get letters from dudes ranting about how superficial and shallow women are on dating apps and how “even 5s think they’re 10s”.)
In reality, photos on dating apps are there to do two things.
First: to capture your potential match’s attention.
Second: to give them an idea of who you are and what dating you would be like.
Your goal isn’t to impress women; your goal is to make it easier for the women who want what you have to offer to find you in the first place. Online dating isn’t about finding as many matches as possible, it’s about matching with the right people, the people who are looking for a guy just like you. If you focus on trying to be the hottest thing out there, you may or may not get more matches… but those are going to be weak matches at best, with people you aren’t compatible with. As the saying goes: you don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea, you want to be a select group’s shot of whiskey. That’s why your photos are a visual shorthand to who you are as a person and what life with you would be like. You want to show yourself off to best effect and show who you are at a glance.
Now you, like a lot of guys, may not have many photos of yourself. That’s not unusual; culturally, guys are often taught that “selfies” are for girls, and shallow, self-involved girls at that. But not only is that bulls--t, it also puts men at a disadvantage. Part of the reason why women tend to take better pictures in general and better dating app photos in particular is because they take a lot of selfies. Having lots of photos of yourself, especially when you’re the one in control of the camera, means that you not only get more comfortable with having photos taken, it means you get better at looking good in photos. And yes, that’s very much a skill that you develop with practice. A lot of looking good in photos is about understanding your angles. Bodies and faces tend to be asymmetric to one degree or another; knowing how to pose yourself in front of a camera makes it easier to present yourself in a way that minimizes those asymmetries. This is why, for example, Shannen Doherty was famous for her “head tilt” pose, or for keeping her hair over one eye. It’s also why “getting your good side” is a very real thing, not just something shallow and vapid people say.
Similarly, taking lots of photos teaches you the value of lighting very quickly. Overhead lighting, for example, is your enemy; it deepens lines and shadows, makes your eyes look sunken and serves to make everything look warped. Fluorescent lighting will make your skin look sallow and cause every single flaw, blemish, zit and oversized pore stand out like a crow in a snow bank. Backlighting makes it impossible to see you at all. The best lighting is indirect sunlight; this tends to give a softer effect that makes everyone look good.
When you understand your angles and lighting, half the job is done for you. The rest is just staging and framing.
In non-COVID times, one of the things I would suggest is talking to a professional photographer; there are many, many photographers who specialize in taking photos for social media and dating apps in particular, especially with photos that look like candids. But that’s a little difficult to do at a time when masking and social distancing is vital.
Fortunately, there are workarounds. If you have a smartphone, you can take some very good photos that will work perfectly for dating apps. In fact, with a tripod or stand and a bluetooth trigger, you can take selfies that don’t look like selfies. And the portrait mode on your smartphone will let you take photos with a low depth of field, keeping you in focus while blurring the background, making your pictures pop and give that professional look that makes photos stand out.
As a general rule, you want about four or five photos for your profile.
Your main profile photo should be your very best picture of your head and face, using the portrait mode on your camera. You want the camera to be slightly above your eye-line, not below; shooting from a low angle distorts you in unattractive ways. I can’t count the number of “selfie from waist height” I’ve seen in dudes’ dating profiles; nobody looks good like that. Be sure that you aren’t wearing a hat or sunglasses, or anything else that obscures your face. Women want to see what you look like, and those not only get in the way, but they make you look like every reactionary asshat profile photo on Twitter.
Your second photo should show more of you — say, from the waist up. Again: use the portrait mode to get that great soft-focus that makes you pop off the background.
The others should demonstrate who you are and what you enjoy and give a hint of your personality. If there are things that are important enough to you that you mention them in your profile, try to make a point of having a photo that includes them; it’s a sort of dating-app show-don’t-tell. Right now you may not be able to have photos of you and friends, but you can still have photos of being out and about, especially if you use a tripod or stand. Tell stories in miniature with those photos. If you look at some celebrities’ photos on IG, notice how the framing, location and pose all convey a particular mood and message. The more you can grasp that, the easier it is to show people who you are through photos.
Also: smile. Yes, I know there was that one post on OKCupid’s blog about how women don’t respond to pictures of dudes smiling. It’s bulls--t and it’s stupid; women respond better to warmth and friendliness than your best “I am the Night” blue steel. If you don’t look like you’re having fun, in at least a couple photos, you’re going to end up turning folks off.
Don’t worry too much about having tons of photos with friends right now. It’s the middle of the COVID pandemic; everyone understands that we’re all staying home and staying safe (and the ones who aren’t are demonstrating that they make s--tty choices). Putting your best face forward is more important than a dozen action shots. Plus: you can always take more pictures down the line. In fact, that’s a smart thing to do. Changing up your pictures not only means that your photos are fresh and demonstrative of who you are, but it keeps you active on the site. That, in turn, helps goose you in the algorithm and puts your pictures in front of more people.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com