DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I’ve been focusing on digging myself out of my inaction, depression, and general negativity.

I’m feeling better, happier, more hopeful. I had a great date the other day with a lovely, smart, dorky girl I met through OKCupid, and we had the most romantic and totally ad hoc time ever. Now that I’m in the aftermath of that, I’m worried naturally about screwing everything up.

I’m worried about texting too much. Worried about not texting enough. Worried that, since we are both only free on weekends, having to wait 5-6 days after a date will lead to things petering out too quickly for a relationship to take root. I recognize that so much of this really depends on her as fully half the equation, and fully anticipating her reactions is impossible, but I’d like some advice on how one ought to maintain optimal levels of mutual interest and anticipation for the next meeting. I’d add that I was pretty energetic and dynamic for our date, funny and spontaneous, but I’m just quite worried that I won’t be able to keep it up. Thus, more articles and advice on post-first date and longer term maintenance would be great!

– 2nd Date Nerves

DEAR SECOND DATE NERVES: Dude. DUDE. Chill.

This is my big advice for you.  Calm the holy f--k down. You had an awesome date, which is terrific! But you’re clearly so tense with nervous energy that you’re one espresso away from vibrating through space and time and I really rather like parts of this timeline so I’d appreciate your not Barry-Allen-ing it into non-existence.

(Though hey, if there’s some way of undoing 2020 without making it manifestly worse, I wouldn’t say no…)

Take a breath, do some yoga and calm the hell down, because you’re going to give yourself an aneurysm long before you can potentially screw things up.

No that doesn’t mean you’re going to screw things up, work with me here.

Calm? OK. Here’s what you do.

First: Quit treating this like it’s a life or death matter. Believe me I understand the way things feel: you’ve had an awesome date with an incredible woman and you haven’t had much success romantically so everything in your body is alternately screaming “DON’T F--K THIS UP OR YOU’LL BE ALONE FOREVER” and “LOCK THIS DOWN BEFORE SHE WISES UP NOW NOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW!” and that’s going to screw you over if you don’t get control of it. You’re working on a scarcity mindset right now and that’s going to color how you interact with her.  You’re feeling like she’s the only woman in the world who will ever be this awesome and that’s making you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.

Paradoxically, this attitude – the constant worry and fear that you’re about to screw things up – is going to cause most of your problems. You’re going to be expending so much mental energy trying to gauge how you’re doing with her by going over everything she says like it was the Zapruder film that you’re going to miss the forest for the trees. You’re going to worry that you’ve texted too much or that you’ve said something wrong and you’re going to end up living out that scene from Swingers where John Favreau calls that girl a dozen times and you’re not going to be able to sleep until you get another text from her to reassure yourself that you HAVEN’T f--ked up. You’re going to be radiating neediness like a radioactive chihuahua with separation anxiety and a cocaine habit.

On the other hand, if you accept that there are thousands upon thousands of awesome women out there and that she is just one of many who will dig you… you’re going to have an easier time. You’ll be able to enjoy talking to her and be your best self instead of trying to curate every single thing you do or say. You’ll be able to accept “yes” for an answer because you’ll be able to relax and appreciate that yeah, she digs you too. 

Start by realizing that she is not the last woman on Earth and every single interaction with her isn’t potentially the last time you’ll ever feel this way again and you’ll start to relax.

Second: 99.99% of the world is only free to date on weekends. Somehow they manage to make it work. Don’t feel like you need a date every two days to keep the emotional momentum going.

Third: The way you keep things going is to simply keep the conversation going. You don’t want to bowl her over with texts or WhatsApp messages, but you can send a (A. SINGULAR.) text about something related to the things you talked about or did on your date. If the two of you were kicking off like you said, then the chemistry between the two of you will help keep the conversation going. You can also send a (again, SINGULAR) cute meme or adorable short video that made you think of her or that you thought she would like. In a worst case scenario, here’s a text you can send that I’ve had great success with in getting the conversational ball rolling: “You just popped into my head, so I wanted to say ‘Hey’. Oh, and stay out of my head.”

Just stick to the basic ratio: one text per reply per day. If she doesn’t reply immediately, it’s not the end of the world, despite the worst-case scenarios playing out in your head. It likely just means she’s busy and will get back to you later. Flooding her with texts trying to provoke a response will only seem needy and unattractive.

So just chill out and be the cool guy who she had such a great time with on your date and all will be well. And plan another date already.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a woman and I’ve recently started online dating and I wanted to know whether you think it’s okay for a woman to make the first move online. How do you think it comes across online, if I was to make the first contact? In my view, I think it’s a bit aggressive. What is your view and advice?

– Rules? What Rules?

DEAR RULES? WHAT RULES?: While there can be the occasional risk, in my opinion, it’s always ok for a woman to make the first move, online or off.

To start with: there will be plenty of people who will be relieved that you’re taking the pressure off them to approach.

Second, consider it like a way of screening out the insecure and overly old-fashioned. If folks are too intimidated or otherwise put off by the fact that you took the initiative instead of them and thus have totally upset the gender-role apple cart… well, it’s probably a safe bet you didn’t want to date them in the first place.

Now that having been said, one of the reasons why a lot of women DON’T make the first move is because some men take it badly. Either they assume it’s some sort of trick or trap, or they think that she is FAR more interested in them than is actually warranted; after all, she wouldn’t have made the first move, right?

Once again, that’s going to be your filter: those are going to be guys that have, by dint of their responses, self-selected right out of your dating pool.

The other thing I would suggest that you should keep in mind: men and women tend to use dating apps differently, especially dating apps with a swipe mechanic. Because social mores tend to follow us online, men tend to initiate more with women on apps, just as in physical space. That means that women tend to be deluged with matches and messages and are incentivized to be more selective with who they respond to.

However, that means that a large number of men will swipe right on EVERYONE in hopes of maximizing their chances of making matches and then decide who they’re into after they match. So you could well match with someone on Tinder or Bumble, only to find out that they weren’t looking for you after all. It’s a lousy dynamic that makes everyone miserable — and it downgrades their profiles in the algorithm — but it’s still a thing that happens and it’s worth being aware of.

Oh, and as a general rule: if they only respond with a “hey” or a single sentence? That’s a match that’s probably not going to go anywhere good.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in need of some advice. I hope that I don’t ramble on too long, but there’s some back story to lay out.

So I’ve been friends with this girl for the past year and a half or so. We hang out quite a lot and spend a lot of time together. I like her, and I’ve told her so on a few separate occasions. She has never really rejected the idea, but would just tell me that she was focusing on herself and wasn’t ready for dating at the time. I told her that was okay and didn’t let it get to me. I’ve been open to other dating opportunities, but none have really presented themselves.

Anyways, this girl went on a trip for a week for both work and personal reasons. She came back and a few days later, I noticed via Facebook that she entered a relationship with her ex, who I knew happened to live where she traveled to. This was basically out of left field based on other conversations about him and how she felt about it.

The first thing I need advice about is whether I should confront her and ask her about it. It’s been about a week since I found out about this, and I feel like the fact that she hasn’t told me is weird. I might not be that concerned, but we are supposed to be going on vacation in two months. Now, I didn’t have any expectations about going on vacation, but now that she’s in a relationship, I think it’s going to be weird. So should I bring it up? Or is this a case where I need to ignore it and “grow up” and let her tell me if she wants?

The second part is how to handle things going forward. I’ve read a lot of your articles, and I’ve been trying to incorporate a lot of your advice into how I deal with relationships in general. In this case though, I feel like it wouldn’t be appropriate to go nuclear and cut her out. She’s one of my closest friends and I wouldn’t want to shut her out.

Any help you could give would be much appreciated

Friend Zone Parolee

DEAR FRIEND ZONE PAROLEE: Um, I hate to tell you this FZP, but she rather definitively rejected the idea already. She couched it in softer terms – that she was working on herself and not really wanting to date right now – because women are still socialized to be deferential to men and not be too direct for fear of offending them.

She was trying to tell you that no, she really didn’t want to be more than friends, but you were looking for reasons to keep holding on and took her answer as “well, she didn’t say never…”.

I used to do this back in the bad old days. A girl could tell me that she’d date me when hell froze over and I’d think “So she’s saying there’s a chance…”. It’s the triumph of hope over experience.

Should you confront her over this?

Oh F--K no.

I get that you’re feeling hurt and a little confused about this. It would’ve been helpful if she’d been more direct about what she meant, but it’s ultimately irrelevant because you know what she meant. As a general rule: women don’t fall in love because you figured out a loophole in what they said when they turned you down. Nobody in the history of romance has ever won any points or gotten a person into bed by trying to rules-lawyer things. She didn’t break any promises or betray you. She went on a trip and reconnected with an ex. She didn’t bring this up with you because a) she likely knew you’d be weirded out about all of this and she’s trying to maintain your friendship and b) it’s really none of your business. She will tell you – or not – as she feels it’s appropriate. The best thing you can do is accept it and move on.

Now I want to say something about your planned vacation. Your word choice is kind of significant here: you’re worried that it’s going to be “weird”. This tells me that you may not have had any expectations about this trip with her… but you were sure as f--k hoping that something was going to happen. You may have had specific plans or you may have been just hoping that togetherness in a new place would bring you closer and then nature would just take it’s course.

This is a very bad idea and if you don’t want things to get weird, you need to start getting over the idea that you can turn things around NOW. Otherwise I can guarantee you that this will be the vacation that ends your friendship.

If you want to be friends with her, you’re going to have to do so with the understanding that you and she are not getting together and you must be cool with this. You can’t make every interaction with her a referendum on “WHY WON’T YOU LOVE MEEEEEE!?”. You can’t sit around waiting for her to break up with him so that you can have another shot. You can’t, in short, be a Nice Guy about this. If you can’t be her friend without the hope that you’ll get together with her eventually, then it’s better to cut ties. Otherwise you’ll be making yourself miserable for no good reason and you’ll be making it even worse for her. Not only will she be upset by the way you’re acting, but she’ll also be feeling bad because you’re feeling bad because of her and there’s really nothing she can do about it.

That is incredibly unfair to her. And if you’re really her friend, you wouldn’t want to put her in that position.

So there’re your choices. If you want to be her friend, you have to get over your infatuation with her. If not… well, then sometimes cutting ties is the kindest thing to do until you can come back without an agenda of hooking up.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I only just found your column, but I love that there’s somebody out there giving nerdy men encouraging, thoughtful dating advice that also takes a respectful look at gender relations.

I relate to a lot of what you say about “leveling up,” making yourself attractive by being fun and improving your life. I’ve been doing this, and have come a long long way from the friendless nerd I was a dozen years ago in high school. I’ve got a decent job, great friends, creative outlets, and an overall lifestyle that I’m very happy with. I’m very satisfied with myself as a person, though I’m taking every opportunity to grow and seek out new things.

So of course, I’m finding myself eyed up by the opposite sex a lot more. What’s tough for me, though, is that my confidence and my wit go out the window around women I’m attracted to. I often end up dating women I’m less into because I’m comfortable around them, and before you know it, we’ve fallen into a relationship. 

Recently, this has really come to a head for me. For the sake of my anonymity, let’s say I do slam poetry on weeknights. Slam poetry is my passion. I’m really good at slam poetry, have lots of friends in the slam poetry community, and esteem from other slam poets in my town. In the last month a two, I’ve seen a woman around the slam poetry circuit. She’s just started, and I like her. A lot. She’s gorgeous, fun, and interesting. And I’m pretty sure she likes me. Like I keep catching her sneaking glances at me likes me. Like she comes and talks to me. 

But like I said before, I’m terrified of women I’m attracted to. I’m scared to come on strong and be a creep. Part of that’s learned behavior from high school and college, when I’d ask girls out point-blank, they’d say yes, but then never take my calls and avoid me. Part of it’s also seeing just how much hassle from men you get when you’re a beautiful woman. And this woman is gorgeous. Like for the first time since I was 14, I was talking to this woman and looked into her eyes and forgot what I was saying. 

And I’d be okay if I knew I didn’t have a chance. I’m so charming to women I don’t have a chance with. 

So the other day I was at a Slam Poetry event, and she spent much of it talking to me. Good sign, right? But still the whole time, I was petrified. Then, I had an opportunity to ask for her number. I got it, then quickly excused myself from the entire event. Like things were going to suddenly go pear-shaped. I know I didn’t like ruin anything by going, but it said a lot to me about myself that I couldn’t just enjoy myself around her, let the night wind down on its own. Now I’m not sure what the next step to take is.

This is like a specific situation that illustrates an overarching problem for me. I’m having trouble interacting with women I’m attracted to, and I have a lot of trouble making my intentions known, asking them out, showing that I’m interested. What advice do you have for a man who’s scared of women?

Stumbling Blocks

DEAR STUMBLING BLOCKS: You have a very common problem, SB. It’s something I went through during my own transformation. In fact, I’d say it’s something that just about everyone who has that unpleasant awkward period goes through when they’re trying to get better at dating.

You’re still dealing with a scarcity mentality. You’re treating awesome women that you’re attracted to like an incredibly rare resource and that if you don’t do everything perfectly, you’re going to f--k it up and God alone knows when you will ever find someone that awesome ever again. As a result you put an insane level of pressure on yourself to succeed… which is a very good way to trip yourself up.

Think of it this way: one of the best ways to psyche out an opponent in sports is to get them to think about what they’re doing. Talk to a golfer and ask them “Hey, do you inhale on the backswing or do you hold your breath?” and suddenly they’re incredibly conscious of everything they’re doing. They’re letting their head get in the way of the things they’ve done a million times before and suddenly they slice an easy shot into the rough.

To put it another way: you’re treating talking to women you’re attracted to like you’re on the bomb squad. Every awesome girl who seems like she might be cool to know is a giant explosive with a mercury switch and redundant failsafes and if you so much as jiggle the wrong wire, it’s good bye the the St. Cecilia’s Orphanage For Special Needs Children (and Adorable Puppies). You’ve done this thousands of times when there weren’t any consequences but now it’s for keeps and if you don’t get it right… boom.

This is what you’re doing to yourself with girls you feel like you stand a chance with. You have an easier time to talking to women you’re not interested in because you don’t fear the possibility of failure. Who cares, right? You’re better able to be yourself because you don’t give a s--t about how the interaction goes. You’re not constantly trying to analyze your own performance or constantly checking for little micro-clues that let you know how you’re doing, you’re just letting the interaction flow. You’re not coming away from talking to them feeling like a failure because you didn’t get her number or because you didn’t get a date or any other major milestones.

It’s when you start treating talking to a girl like defusing a bomb that you f--k yourself up. Now the pressure is on because you’ve convinced yourself that this is your one shot and if you don’t do everything exactly right then it’s all going to blow up in your face.

Except women aren’t bombs. The women you’re attracted to aren’t fundamentally different from the ones you’re not attracted to – they put their pants on one leg at a time, same as everyone else. They have their own little quirks and insecurities and annoying habits that every other woman you’ve felt comfortable around has had. The only difference is that you’re investing them with more importance because you’re still operating from a place that says “THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE AND I NEED TO MAKE IT HAPPEN NOW!”

You need to adopt that same consequence-free mentality when you’re talking to women you’re actually attracted to – and that means learning to accept that there are millions of awesome women in the world. As soon as you understand that there will be other women out there, you start to understand that not every interaction has to be 100% perfect and that the slightest screw up means failure. Just because you didn’t hit a perfect S-level performance with one doesn’t doom you to a life of masturbating and crying alone in your room. You shrug, dust off your shoulders and just roll on because there will be more women and a rejection doesn’t define you as a person.

If you freak out because you think that you’ve just pulled the wrong wire and now the bomb is about to destroy the orphanage – metaphorically speaking – then yeah, you’re going to have a harder time. If you just accept that hey, you’re a little nervous but it’s no big deal – even if this doesn’t go the way you hoped –  then you will find that you will be much more at ease.

You can recover from f--k-ups. You can trip over your junk (again, metaphorically speaking) and NOT make her hate you forever. It’s not all or nothing. And even when you f--k up, you will have other opportunities to succeed again later with other people.

Next time, take a deep breath. In through your nose, hold it for a second or two, then exhale slowly through your mouth. Let your heart rate slow a little. She’s just a person, same as you. You’re not going to reject someone if she’s not 100% perfect… and neither is she. If your jokes fall flat or you aren’t as suave as Tony Stark, that’s just fine. It happens and you’ll do better next time.

She’s not a bomb. She’s not your last chance at happiness. She’s just a person.

Start accepting this and you’ll find that you’ll do much better.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com