DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I only just found your column, but I love that there’s somebody out there giving nerdy men encouraging, thoughtful dating advice that also takes a respectful look at gender relations.

I relate to a lot of what you say about “leveling up,” making yourself attractive by being fun and improving your life. I’ve been doing this, and have come a long long way from the friendless nerd I was a dozen years ago in high school. I’ve got a decent job, great friends, creative outlets, and an overall lifestyle that I’m very happy with. I’m very satisfied with myself as a person, though I’m taking every opportunity to grow and seek out new things.

So of course, I’m finding myself eyed up by the opposite sex a lot more. What’s tough for me, though, is that my confidence and my wit go out the window around women I’m attracted to. I often end up dating women I’m less into because I’m comfortable around them, and before you know it, we’ve fallen into a relationship. 

Recently, this has really come to a head for me. For the sake of my anonymity, let’s say I do slam poetry on weeknights. Slam poetry is my passion. I’m really good at slam poetry, have lots of friends in the slam poetry community, and esteem from other slam poets in my town. In the last month a two, I’ve seen a woman around the slam poetry circuit. She’s just started, and I like her. A lot. She’s gorgeous, fun, and interesting. And I’m pretty sure she likes me. Like I keep catching her sneaking glances at me likes me. Like she comes and talks to me. 

But like I said before, I’m terrified of women I’m attracted to. I’m scared to come on strong and be a creep. Part of that’s learned behavior from high school and college, when I’d ask girls out point-blank, they’d say yes, but then never take my calls and avoid me. Part of it’s also seeing just how much hassle from men you get when you’re a beautiful woman. And this woman is gorgeous. Like for the first time since I was 14, I was talking to this woman and looked into her eyes and forgot what I was saying. 

And I’d be okay if I knew I didn’t have a chance. I’m so charming to women I don’t have a chance with. 

So the other day I was at a Slam Poetry event, and she spent much of it talking to me. Good sign, right? But still the whole time, I was petrified. Then, I had an opportunity to ask for her number. I got it, then quickly excused myself from the entire event. Like things were going to suddenly go pear-shaped. I know I didn’t like ruin anything by going, but it said a lot to me about myself that I couldn’t just enjoy myself around her, let the night wind down on its own. Now I’m not sure what the next step to take is.

This is like a specific situation that illustrates an overarching problem for me. I’m having trouble interacting with women I’m attracted to, and I have a lot of trouble making my intentions known, asking them out, showing that I’m interested. What advice do you have for a man who’s scared of women?

Stumbling Blocks

DEAR STUMBLING BLOCKS: You have a very common problem, SB. It’s something I went through during my own transformation. In fact, I’d say it’s something that just about everyone who has that unpleasant awkward period goes through when they’re trying to get better at dating.

You’re still dealing with a scarcity mentality. You’re treating awesome women that you’re attracted to like an incredibly rare resource and that if you don’t do everything perfectly, you’re going to f--k it up and God alone knows when you will ever find someone that awesome ever again. As a result you put an insane level of pressure on yourself to succeed… which is a very good way to trip yourself up.

Think of it this way: one of the best ways to psyche out an opponent in sports is to get them to think about what they’re doing. Talk to a golfer and ask them “Hey, do you inhale on the backswing or do you hold your breath?” and suddenly they’re incredibly conscious of everything they’re doing. They’re letting their head get in the way of the things they’ve done a million times before and suddenly they slice an easy shot into the rough.

To put it another way: you’re treating talking to women you’re attracted to like you’re on the bomb squad. Every awesome girl who seems like she might be cool to know is a giant explosive with a mercury switch and redundant failsafes and if you so much as jiggle the wrong wire, it’s good bye the the St. Cecilia’s Orphanage For Special Needs Children (and Adorable Puppies). You’ve done this thousands of times when there weren’t any consequences but now it’s for keeps and if you don’t get it right… boom.

This is what you’re doing to yourself with girls you feel like you stand a chance with. You have an easier time to talking to women you’re not interested in because you don’t fear the possibility of failure. Who cares, right? You’re better able to be yourself because you don’t give a s--t about how the interaction goes. You’re not constantly trying to analyze your own performance or constantly checking for little micro-clues that let you know how you’re doing, you’re just letting the interaction flow. You’re not coming away from talking to them feeling like a failure because you didn’t get her number or because you didn’t get a date or any other major milestones.

It’s when you start treating talking to a girl like defusing a bomb that you f--k yourself up. Now the pressure is on because you’ve convinced yourself that this is your one shot and if you don’t do everything exactly right then it’s all going to blow up in your face.

Except women aren’t bombs. The women you’re attracted to aren’t fundamentally different from the ones you’re not attracted to – they put their pants on one leg at a time, same as everyone else. They have their own little quirks and insecurities and annoying habits that every other woman you’ve felt comfortable around has had. The only difference is that you’re investing them with more importance because you’re still operating from a place that says “THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE AND I NEED TO MAKE IT HAPPEN NOW!”

You need to adopt that same consequence-free mentality when you’re talking to women you’re actually attracted to – and that means learning to accept that there are millions of awesome women in the world. As soon as you understand that there will be other women out there, you start to understand that not every interaction has to be 100% perfect and that the slightest screw up means failure. Just because you didn’t hit a perfect S-level performance with one doesn’t doom you to a life of masturbating and crying alone in your room. You shrug, dust off your shoulders and just roll on because there will be more women and a rejection doesn’t define you as a person.

If you freak out because you think that you’ve just pulled the wrong wire and now the bomb is about to destroy the orphanage – metaphorically speaking – then yeah, you’re going to have a harder time. If you just accept that hey, you’re a little nervous but it’s no big deal – even if this doesn’t go the way you hoped –  then you will find that you will be much more at ease.

You can recover from f--k-ups. You can trip over your junk (again, metaphorically speaking) and NOT make her hate you forever. It’s not all or nothing. And even when you f--k up, you will have other opportunities to succeed again later with other people.

Next time, take a deep breath. In through your nose, hold it for a second or two, then exhale slowly through your mouth. Let your heart rate slow a little. She’s just a person, same as you. You’re not going to reject someone if she’s not 100% perfect… and neither is she. If your jokes fall flat or you aren’t as suave as Tony Stark, that’s just fine. It happens and you’ll do better next time.

She’s not a bomb. She’s not your last chance at happiness. She’s just a person.

Start accepting this and you’ll find that you’ll do much better.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I have a situation, and I’m not sure I’m making the right moves navigating it, and I’d like the opinion of an expert.

I’m a 32 years old straight man who never had a relationship before. In 2012, while trying to find someone on dating sites, I met a woman my age, we’ll call her R. R is a literal beauty queen (in that she has won beauty pageants) and a very interesting person. Our first date went well, until the very end when a homeless man came to us asking for money and I gave him some. She…did not appreciate this. She got heated and started complaining that she lived in the area and that he would recognize her now and harass her for money. Being quite new to dating at the time, I assumed I had made a mistake and blew it in the home stretch.

To my surprise, she actually reached back and asked for a second date, then a third. Shortly after, I introduced her to my best friend and it did not go well. My best friend is polyamorous, and she did not approve and wasn’t shy about saying so. Still, being elated that a girl was digging me, I continued seeing her. However, when I made a move to kiss her, she stopped me and said she just wanted to be friends. So we met as friends a few times.

In 2014, I met her one last time before leaving for a different city for my doctoral studies. She admitted to me then that she was interested in me, but that she wanted children, and that since I have a severe heart defect, I had “bad genes” and she thus couldn’t have kids with me. Her words. This stung. She kept trying to reach me after that, calling me often. I answered at first, but I ended up cutting contact quickly afterward. I was too chicken to actually tell her that I didn’t want to talk to her anymore, so I just ghosted her.

Flash forwards to two months ago. My doctorate now completed, I ended up moving to the city where she lived. So in November, she reaches to me on Facebook, saying she really liked hanging out with me and wanted to talk. I figured that since it had been six years, she might be different and this might be more fun. Turns out, she is the exact same. Including calling me whenever she wants and disapproving of my best friend (which she herself brought up as a topic). But she’s still seems super into me. She even said she considered a relationship despite my health problems. After a single chat, she already wanted to meet up ASAP and do things together. I almost gave in, but seeing how anxious she made me, I decided to tell her point-blank that I wasn’t comfortable with her, never had been, and while I didn’t mind her texting me every few days, I couldn’t give her more than that for now.

That was right before Christmas. I didn’t hear from her for two weeks after that. Then she texted me again saying that, and I quote, she couldn’t live with the restrictions I put on her, that she needed more freedom, and that she couldn’t handle having me as a friend but not being able to contact me. I told her again that she was welcome to text me. She said that she didn’t want to only text me, because of her dyslexia, and that I live less than ten minutes away from her anyway.

(I should clarify that I had no idea where she lived when I moved in this city. I didn’t even know if she still lived here.)

I haven’t responded yet, because I don’t know what to respond. On the one hand, I’m just not feeling it. On the other, I’m no Chris Evans. Women don’t throw themselves at my feet for a chance at spending a night with me, much less a long-term relationship. And here is a gorgeous woman being clearly into me, and I’m thinking of saying no? What’s wrong with me? If she is still that interested after six years, then surely it means something, right? My friends are divided on the issue. Some think I should get over myself and take her up on her offer, while other think I should just break up the friendship. Personally, I’m afraid that if I pass on this opportunity, I’ll have missed my only chance of not dying alone.

What should I do? Which group of friends should I listen too? I’d like to hear from someone with more credentials.

I’m Just Not That Into Her

DEAR I’M JUST NOT THAT INTO HER: First, IJNTIH, a general rule: it’s far better to be alone because you’re alone than it is to be alone because you’re with the wrong person.

Because HOLY HOPPING SHEEP S--T, DUDE, R is the wrong goddamn person. And I don’t mean for you, I mean for just about anybody.

I mean, f--king hell super-chief, let me count the ways that you’ve said she’s awful. Getting snippy with you for helping someone who’s homeless would be a first strike for me. And while I’ll be the first to tell people that hey, polyamory ain’t for everyone, the fact that she apparently couldn’t not avoid insulting your friend is another strike. I mean, it costs nothing to just shut up and let other people do their thing, especially when it has precisely zero effect on her. Aaaaand then there’s the “well, you’ve got s--tty genes, that’s a no from me, sorry, LOL” bit which to me would be a “f--k you very much, there is the door, and don’t think it hasn’t been a little slice of heaven… ‘cuz it hasn’t.”

So in and of itself, those are all very good reasons to lose her number and otherwise forget that she exists. But then she came back into your life years down the line and… manages to be just as s--tty, occasionally in new and impressive ways. I mean, bringing up how much she disapproves of your best friend’s love life unprompted is a sign. “I considered having a relationship with you despite your heart condition” is some condescending bulls--t. 

But here’s the big, flashing neon sign that says “DO NOT ENTER”, IJNTIH: it’s the part where she says that she “can’t live” with the “restrictions” you put on her and that she “needs her freedom” because she needs to be able to contact you at will after you stated that you weren’t comfortable with her and the way she behaves. What she is doing right there is telling you, point blank, that she does not give a single, solitary, malnourished f--k about your boundaries. You have stated clearly that you are willing to have a relationship on these terms and these terms only and her response was “LOL no”. That, king, is what we in the relationship-advice-giving business call “a huge f--king red flag”. That is more red flags than the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. She has shown you exactly who she is and what she cares about, and what she cares about is not you. She cares about her and only her.

And look, I get why you’d think about it. She’s hotter than a four alarm fire and probably has a body that’s wolf whistle jaw drop lip bite. The idea of her naked probably makes your junk stand at attention and sing “Rosanna” in three part harmony. And trust me: it ain’t worth it. I have yet to meet a woman who was so hot — and I have met a metric f--kton of insanely hot women — or so good in bed that it would be worth putting up with bulls--t like this. She has insulted you, insulted and mocked your friends, shown herself to be a selfish little s--t and has no compunctions of telling you that she doesn’t want to respect your no.

Trust me: that is not somebody who’s going to be worth banging, even for the stories. These are the hallmarks of someone who is selfish in bed (at best) and who will treat you like dogs--t if you let her into your life.

What’s wrong with you? Absolutely nothing, chief. The fact that your instinct is to tell her “no” is a sign that you are thinking very clearly and correctly. The fact that she’s still interested after six years may be flattering, but it doesn’t invalidate the “oh, right, still an awful human being” part. This isn’t a “get over yourself” situation, this is a “you have too much respect for yourself to consider it”.

Personally, I’m siding with your friends who’re telling you to end the friendship. Although, if I’m perfectly frank, I wouldn’t consider this a friendship. You may be her friend… kinda. But she’s definitely not yours.

Oh, and one more thing. Passing on this opportunity doesn’t mean you’re missing your only chance, nor does it mean that you’re crazy to pass it up. The takeaway here is that you can do so much better than her. You’ve got a literal beauty queen bootie calling you because she’s been after you for six years. Take that aspect and realize that there are other, equally hot — if not hotter — women out there who will also think that you’re a tall glass of “f--k my brains out” who aren’t s--tty people. Who will actually be sweet and funny and generous and treat you with respect and, y’know, not insult you or your friends.

Block her number and go find them instead.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

Doctor’s Note: today’s column deals with talk of sexual assault in the context of people pretending to not consent to sexual activities.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 25 year old male, and I’m dating a 24 year old woman, we’ve been together about two months so far, and it’s mostly been very positive. We have healthy boundaries, no end of things to talk on, and well-matched sexually, for the most part. That’s why I’m writing.

See, while we’re mostly great for each other sexually, I have one thing that I feel a bit hung up on, and it’s not so much any fantasy of mine, or hers, more that I expressed discomfort with something, and I regret doing so now…

To be specific, she mentioned that she would really like to roleplay dubious consent scenarios, and at first, I thought I couldn’t deal with that, I’m a person with a lot of feelings of guilt, and ultimately, I thought for sure I’d be unable to bring myself to even consensually act out non-consent. She said it was okay, and that she’d not pursue that route with me if it made me uncomfortable.

The thing is, I gave it more thought, and realized that it’s ultimately something that is roleplay, and we can still define clear lines of what is and isn’t acceptable in that scenario with safewords and the like, and with such safeguards in place, I feel better about it. The thing is, I’m a bit hesitant to say that I’m willing to revisit that conversation, because I worry she’ll think I’m trying to make her feel better, and that I’m not really comfortable with it, more putting on a “brave face”, something she said she very much didn’t want me to do.

My question here, is pretty simple: How do I bring it up that I’ve given it more thought, and that I’m willing to try it, without it seeming insincere in that fashion?

-Safe, Sane, and Consensual

DEAR SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL: So, before I get to your question SSC, let’s talk a little bit about kinks — particularly what’s known as consensual non-consent — and the importance of being what Dan Savage calls GGG or “good, giving and game”.

First, let’s talk a little about why the idea of GGG can be important in relationships. The idea behind it is that what any person should expect from their partner is that they will be good in bed, giving of pleasure and as a lover, and game to try the things that their partner is into, even if they’re not necessarily into it themselves. The last one is especially important because of what it means to your partner: it means that you’re listening to them and being considerate of their interests and desires. It helps your partner feel heard, acknowledged and valued. And it isn’t just competing sex-advice-columnists who recommend this. Studies have found that couples who engaged in what researchers called “sexual transformations” — trying new things — had better sex lives and higher levels of relationship satisfaction overall. Many times, being game means that while you may not be into whatever it is your partner wants to try, you’ll do it for them because they enjoy it. So while it may not rev your motor, the fact that it does the trick for your partner can often make it pleasurable for you as well.

This is one of the things that people often misunderstand; the fact that you’re not turned on by the act, or that you’re doing it for them doesn’t mean that you’re “doing it to make them feel better”. What you’re doing is agreeing to do something for your partner specifically because you care about their pleasure and this is something they enjoy. So while it may not be your thing, it’s one that you’re willing to do because it makes them feel good.

But let’s talk about the kink itself. A lot of kinks focus around what’s known as power-exchange — that is, one partner choosing to give up power to the other in one form or another. While the most common version of this tends to follow a dominant/submissive dynamic, there are a wide variety of ways this can play out. Beyond the stereotype of the dominatrix with whips and floggers, you can find forms of rope-play and immobilization, master/slave, erotic hypnosis, “bimbofication”, teacher/student or — as in your case, SSC, dubious consent or consensual non-consent. In all of these, one partner is in the position of having power over the other. It may be power to inflict some form of punishment, to command their partner to do things or otherwise compel them to act or perform in the way the dominant or top wants.

The kink your girlfriend is into, SSC, is what’s known as “consensual non-consent”. In this case, it involves playing out scenarios in which one partner either has their consent overridden, is in a position where they can’t consent or doesn’t consent and the other partner ravishes them. Notice very carefully that I say “ravish”, rather than “assaults” or “rapes”. I use that word specifically for two reasons. The first is that in CNC scenes, everything is scripted out; the roles, the acts, often even dialogue. It’s carefully planned, often in great detail, along with limits and safewords. The second reason is that these scenes aren’t about glorifying sexual assault, but often much more in line with the old-school romance novel idea of someone succumbing to someone; the person being ravished (often the one who planned and arranged everything) is giving up control and responsibility, taking their pleasure in letting the top have complete control of them. It’s an extreme form of power exchange, and one that many people find appealing.

But a lot of people also find it squicky. There’re folks in kink circles who view CNC with something of a skeptical eye because it — understandably — has the very real potential to go badly. Others are — again, understandably — uncomfortable with role-playing non-consensual scenarios, or may well be triggered by it because of their own history. And of course, there are folks who aren’t into it or repulsed by it because… well, it’s play-acting what in the real world is an incredibly violent and violating act. So it is, needless to say, not for everyone.

And it seems like you were in the latter category at first, SSC, which is totally legit. Which actually rolls back around to the idea of being GGG.

When this concept is brought up, people often stumble over the last G, which is often put out as “being game for anything”. But that’s because they forget, or haven’t heard, the most important part: game for trying new things within reason. There are things that you may be neutral on, things that you feel a little weird about but can push through because of what it does for your partner… and then there’re the hard no’s, the stuff that is out of the question for you. Sometimes it can be because it’s an extreme kink or varsity level interest — cuckolding, edgeplay and the like. Other times, it can be something that just absolutely squicks you out or triggers you. CNC can definitely hit that limit for folks and that’s ok. That’s perfectly reasonable and understandable.

But you, SSC, did some research and gave it some serious consideration and came to the conclusion that this is something you could conceivably do. As you said: it’s just roleplaying, with some fairly stringent guidelines and guardrails. And you know what? Good on you for being willing to examine your feelings on it and to decide that you’re willing to give it a try for your girlfriend. That’s awesome.

Now how do you tell her that you’ve changed your mind?

That part’s easy: same way you told me. You say “you know, I’ve given it a lot of thought. It’s clearly something you enjoy and now that I’ve thought about it more, I’m willing to give this a try. How about we talk about how this would play out and what kind of scenario you’d want to explore?” Ask relevant questions, have her clarify things you may not understand… just make it clear that you’re listening and that you’re going to take this seriously and be an enthusiastic participant.

Now to be perfectly clear: when I say “talk about how this would play out”, you’re just talking about the general structure of things. When you and your girlfriend decide you want to actually do the scene, you and she need to talk this through extensively, down to every little detail. That means you and she need to be able to talk openly, completely and clearly about everything. You want to talk about what acts she wants, which ones are absolutely off the table, what areas on her that are off limits, as well as not just safe words  but safe signals for times when she can’t speak or may be in a state where verbalizing isn’t possible.

Also: make sure that you schedule time for aftercare, after the scene… potentially a lot of time. You’re going to want to take that time to come down, release the roles you two were playing and get back to being yourselves again… and provide a lot of reassurance that this was not real. Aftercare can take on a lot of forms — reassuring touch like brushing hair, cuddling, hot drinks are all classics for a reason — but you and your girlfriend should discuss what aftercare she’s going to want or need before you have the scene. And the more intense or extreme the scene, the more aftercare you’re going to want to provide.

Just remember: more than anything else, all of this is going to be about communication, communication, communication. Talking about how you feel and why you changed your mind, discussing with her what she wants to try and how it would all play out, limits, expectations and needs… these are all going to be what not only reassure her that yes, you’re cool with doing this, but making sure you and she have the best time possible.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com