DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in a mess. I was supposed to get married this summer until we postponed for COVID; then two months ago my fiancé confessed to cheating on me. Not like once or twice, but probably twenty times with maybe a dozen different women, from one-night stands to hookups with a friend of his who I always distrusted to paying for oral sex at a strip club, happy endings and prostitutes, to more one night stands and bar make outs, to an acquaintance of his (I had seen him flirt with her which feels awful), and lastly with a friend of mine several times after he moved in with me!! Ha!! This was mainly in the first three years of our relationship though earlier this year, while in pre-marital counseling, he ditched me to hang with some poly friends of friends and made out with a woman, though he confessed after.

My last ex cheated on and gaslit me terribly, which fiancé knew. Meanwhile, I knew my (ex?) fiancé wanted to explore sleeping with other people and I did try to have the conversation about how to make it safe for me. Obviously it was never going to be because he was dishonest and had disrespected me and been unethical. Also he never responded to my many efforts to open up a conversation around it, the most serious of which all happened after most of the cheating. Now he says he still needs an open relationship, and he seems to not want reconsidering that to be open-ended. We are living separately and in couples counseling; I’ve told some friends and family but my parents still think I’m engaged. Also, I’m about to be 37, and we were off birth control when he told me and in theory moving on to being open to having kids. I certainly can’t see opening anything up unless I feel radically safe and heard and prioritized which I never have been, and what’s way more important to me is having a secure foundation for being parents. I in theory can be down with sexual exploration but in all honesty it’s just not a priority. (I should also say that in our relationship I had the higher sex drive for years before lowering my expectations, and I almost never said no and I believe when he tells me I gave him the best sex of his life).

Obviously I loved him and wanted to be with him before I knew; when I found out I could clearly see the behaviors I had been ignoring and looking past and could kick myself for tolerating it, and him for letting me go down this path with someone who was being dishonest. I honestly don’t know if I can forgive the laundry list of betrayals, which still make me mighty mad.

Can I forgive him and also deal with his sleeping with other people in future under some theoretical framework that I question he could honor? Even less unsure! I guess I’m just looking for an outside opinion on what to do. He confessed out of guilt and has been willing to apologize and work on things, though some projection and resentment have popped up from him along the way that haven’t helped. He fundamentally shuts down when I need support a lot of the time, so maybe I just can’t at all be with him despite the other times together he made me happy. It sucks and I kind of can’t believe I have to deal with something this egregious again (but like, more so).

Heart Needs a Second Chance?

DEAR HEART NEEDS A SECOND CHANCE: So let’s get this out right off the top: dump the dude. Dump this guy so hard his grandparents divorce retroactively. Dump him so hard that the break up echoes through the galaxy and tens of thousands of years from now, aliens in Alpha Centauri pick up on this and collectively go “daaaaaaaaaang”.

Now with that out of the way, let’s talk about the whys and wherefores about your situation.

As many long-time readers know, I’m pro open relationships and pro ethical non-monogamy. I’m also an advocate of the idea that cheating isn’t the worst thing that can happen in a relationship, nor is it always automatically a relationship extinction level event. But both of those come with fairly hefty caveats.

For example, I have long said that not all infidelities are equal. There’s a world of difference between a one-off, never-to-be-repeated mistake that the cheating partner sincerely regrets and, say, someone who thinks that monogamy is something that happens to other people, even after they’ve made a exclusive commitment. Your fiancé is rather clearly the latter. The fact he’d been cheating on you repeatedly, with many, many women is pretty much all that needs to be said on the subject.

While there are people whose chief mistake is that they keep making a monogamous commitment — especially if they know they are incapable of keeping it — there are also folks who just plain don’t give a s--t. For them, it’s not a case of someone who shouldn’t promise to be monogamous, they’re someone whose life philosophy can be summed up as “got mine, f--k you.” Sometimes they like the thrill of doing something “wrong”. Others like the feeling of being sneaky and clever and not getting caught. And of course there’re always the ones who just don’t give a s--t as long as they get their rocks off.

(And to head off the comments: no, I don’t think your fiancé is a sex addict… primarily because sex addiction isn’t a thing. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, the Center for Positive Sexuality, the Alternative Sexualities Health Research Alliance and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom have all released statements: from a medical and scientific perspective, there’s no such thing as sex addiction. And studies agree with them.)

Your fiancé’s behavior makes it fairly simple: dude’s an a--hole.

Similarly, open relationships can be wonderful… but not only are they not for everyone. Open relationships require trust, emotional security, strong boundaries, commitment and open communication… all of which your partner has very clearly failed at. Part of making an open relationship work means being able to maintain a relationship with your partner, especially if you have a primary partner rather than a “relationship anarchy” style form of openness. The fact that your fiancé shuts down when you need support, can’t seem to discuss things openly and clearly and has, y’know, been going behind your back for most of the time you’ve been together are all pretty good indicators that, monogamous or not, this is not a dude you should be marrying or considering scrambling your DNA with.

Also, just for the record: an open relationship is not a “get-out-of-cheating-free” card. You can be non-monogamous and still cheat on your partner… and I strongly suspect he would still have cheated on you, even if you had been open.

Now, I can have some forgiveness and understanding for someone coming to realize that they can’t make a monogamous commitment. That still would require them doing a lot of work to both earn forgiveness and trust back, as well as making things right… but I can see that happen. Similarly, there are plenty of folks who’ve realized that monogamy isn’t right for them (but haven’t cheated) and want to discuss the possibility of transitioning into an open relationship. There are many, many relationships that have made that switch and survived, even thrived.

However, if your fiancé knew from the jump that he can’t do monogamy, then that is a conversation you both should have been having from the jump. It wouldn’t mean that you had to start as non-monogamous; he should be willing to prove his commitment to you to help build that trust and security before having the series of discussions about when and how you’d open up. He didn’t do that, and I suspect he didn’t because he either didn’t respect you enough to try, or had a “better to beg forgiveness” philosophy which is some next-level bulls--t.

If this relationship were to have a snowball’s chance in hell of surviving, it would require your fiancé to be going above and beyond to earn your forgiveness and to prove worthy of your trust. To be perfectly frank: it doesn’t sound like he’s doing that, nor does it sound like he’s even willing to try. He sounds like he’s trying to retroactively make his cheating ok by getting you to agree to an open relationship, as though that could be backdated and magically make his betrayal of your trust go away. It can’t, and it’s bulls--t for him to even try, especially knowing how your previous ex treated you.

So dump this dude with a quickness, call the Whole Man Disposal Unit and get him out of your life. Whether you’re ever willing to explore some form of non-monogamy in the future or not — and either of those options is perfectly fine — he has proven definitively that he is not the person you want to be spending your life with.

Break up with him and find someone who will treat you with respect. You’ll be much happier for it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 11 years. We’re best friends and very happy. I love him very much and know I plan on being with him for the long run. We get along with each other’s families and friends. We recently purchased our first home together, so I know there are no problems in regards to his commitment and dedication to me and our relationship.

I’ve known from very early on that he is not interested in marriage and this truly does not upset me. I know he also plans on sticking with me forever and that is all I need. He of course gets uncomfortable when family members pester him about “when are we getting married?” to which I try to intervene as quickly as I can by saying “It’s not for us, we’re happy with what we have now.” (I’m hoping by being the girlfriend saying this, it eliminates further pestering on his end due to gender norms).

We’ve had a few instances where friends or family members have gotten engaged, to which I appropriately reply how excited I am for them. I’ve been a bridesmaid/Maid of Honor in numerous weddings, so many times they want to show me their ideas or request advice. This causes my boyfriend to think I’m “catching the wedding bug”. I ensure to him every time I am not.

Here’s the catch though: there have been a few smaller, more intimate weddings that we have been guests of, to which my boyfriend will sometimes say to me when we’re alone or slow dancing: “We could do something like this.” To which I have no clue how to reply.

I am over the moon with what we have now and am perfectly content never getting married. However, I would get married if that is what he wanted. But I don’t KNOW what he wants.

Help. I am so confused. When I try to ask him about it he either brushes it off, says “I didn’t mean it”, or kind of shuts down. He doesn’t get mad or defensive, but his shutting down completely prevents us from having a proper discussion without him getting the wrong idea. Any idea how to approach this?

Waiting For an Explanation

DEAR WAITING FOR AN EXPLANATION: Usually in cases like these, I say that you and your boyfriend need to use your words. But the problem here is that your boyfriend seems to be using his in ways that don’t make a lick of goddamn sense… when he uses them at all.

So unfortunately, you’re going to have to call the question and sit him down to have an extended Awkward Conversation. In this case, you’re going to need to tell him: “Hey, I’m honestly confused about where your head is at regarding our relationship, and I think you’ve got the wrong idea about what I’m expecting. I want to carve out some time to talk with you about this and make sure that we both understand each other, and we’re on the same page about things.” And then schedule a day and time that you are going to dedicate exclusively to having this conversation.

On that day, you’re going to need to take charge and direct the conversation. Start with a simple declaration of intent: you want to clarify things because you’re pretty certain that you and he aren’t understanding each other, and that you need him to listen and let you speak without interruption until you’re finished. You want to make sure that you get through this and speak your peace, and so you need him to just hold any questions or things that he feels he needs to clarify or what-have-you until you give him the go-ahead.

Next: tell him that you’ve been worried about having this conversation because when you’ve brought it up before, he tends to shut the conversation down and that leaves you more confused than before and afraid that he he may not get how you feel. You’re also worried that he may not understand your feelings or what you want, or have ideas about what you want that simply aren’t true.

Now you start to get into the meat of things. Start with telling him that this is what you understand his position to be regarding your relationship, marriage and so on; make it clear that this is what you have gathered from what he’s told you and so on. Then tell him that you agree with this, that you’re happy with what you have and that you don’t need to get married. Explain that the fact that your being in so many wedding parties — to the point that other people are coming to you for advice — doesn’t mean that you’re “getting the wedding bug”; it just means that you’re celebrating the marriage of friends or family members, and that you’re happy for them. Being their bridesmaid or maid of honor doesn’t mean that you’re secretly dreaming of your own wedding.

Next: tell him that, with all that in mind, the way he behaves is confusing to you. That when he’s said things like “we could do something like this,” you don’t understand what he means. You don’t know if he means some form of a commitment ceremony, some elaborate party with friends and family or what. For that matter, you don’t know if he says that because it’s something that he wants, or that he’s saying it because he thinks that this is something that you want.

Now finish with letting him know how clarifying these issues will make your relationship better. That you’ll both know for sure how the other feels, that you’ll both be on the same page regarding your relationship and its future, and that there won’t be this confusion about how you feel or about how he feels. If you both clarify things, communicate your feelings clearly and make sure that you both understand one another, not only will you both have a stronger relationship over all, but there won’t be any confusion or conflict arising from these miscommunications.

Then give him space to ask questions, clarify things he may not understand and let him share his side of things. And, just as you asked it of him, let him speak uninterrupted until he’s done. It may be difficult to do this, especially if you feel like he’s misunderstanding you or is misstating how you feel. However, it’s important to let him get his side out and then go back and clarify things, just as it was for the two of you. If you both are allowed to speak your peace uninterrupted, then its’ much easier for both of you to get your points across. Interrupting to ask questions or try to correct one another just ruins the flow of the conversation and risks either sending it down unrelated tangents or creating even more confusion… and a lot more frustration.

Now one thing I will say is that the way you’re answering family members’ questions about when you two might be getting married might be causing some of the confusion. While I realize that you’re saying that you’re happy with your relationship in its current state, when you say “we’re happy with what we have now,” it can sound like you’re saying that this is a temporary state that may change in the future. That could be causing him — or various family members or both — to think that you’re saying “we’re not interested in getting married YET“, rather than “we’re not interested in getting married at all“. It might be helpful to phrase it as “we are happy with our relationship as it is”, or even “we’re happy with what we have,” with no conditional. That, at least, makes it less likely that someone — whether your boyfriend or others — will interpret this as saying “not yet but maybe some day…”

But for now: have that Awkward Conversation and make sure that you and your boyfriend both understand what the other wants. The more you two can communicate clearly about this, the easier it will be to put all this behind you and continue building a beautiful life together.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a series of problems, four points that I desperately wanted to address and have answers to. Just a note, I may well bring this up in case it changes anything, but I am diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, and have difficulty socializing with others.

1) I’m still being haunted by the memories of friends I lost. I bonded with a wife and husband (in that order, I’ll refer to them as Jill and Jack respectively) over a game. We seemed to hit it off reasonably well, until Jill said that she was out on an anniversary with Jack. And I became obsessed and bitter at how well they have it; someone that’ll love you unconditionally, always be there, and eventually tie the knot with. It kinda grew to a point where Jill was disturbed, and eventually got me banned. I still kept in contact with them, and they did forgive me, but they’re still relatively guarded. One mistake sure, and they utterly despise me for using their names (not exact names, but inspired) in a story and making a dirty joke I thought they wouldn’t notice. (In April 1st, no less, making me the biggest fool of all). This destroyed my relation with them completely, and I thought I had moved on, but a friend of mine in the server said that they still hold a grudge for the previous incident, and aren’t keen on forgiving me (Jack, at least. He said Jill was probably willing to put it behind her). I really hit it off with them, and the guilt of being the one at fault for breaking the friendship still haunts me to this day. I still wonder, “If I hadn’t been so bitter.”, “If I could’ve kept quiet, kept all to myself.”, would we still have been friends.

2) After the above, I frequented another server, and I asked a girl user there for a face reveal (which I know now is a big no-no), which made her call me out as a perv, and made the other members of the server vilify me. I made another user block me for my emotional vampiric tendencies, and this incident effectively made me scared to talk to anyone I couldn’t ascertain the gender online. I regularly ask users I’m suspicious of if they’re girls, since I know to myself that, if they’re a girl, I’m going to inevitably ask them for a face reveal, they’re going to think I’m a perv, and they’ll hate me even if I just want to be genuine friends.

3) This segues into another case, I joined a mental help Discord server. As of writing, I am banned from the server for a public display of gynophobia, not malicious in intent, but still disturbing members. I came here seeking asylum and answers to my questions, and I did ask them about my problem communicating with girls, and they said my case must have come from a lack of physical affection, or ‘skin hunger’. How do I even solve this problem, especially with this pandemic quarantine in place? Touching or hugging myself does f--k-all, I’m too disconnected with my family to ask them. Friends? What’s that?

4) Leading all to this, I’ve lost passion. I play a handful of games, mostly RPG and turn-based games. Civ 5, Fire Emblem, Shogun 2. I’ve lost my passion for all of them. I don’t derive any enjoyment playing them anymore, yet I still do them for some reason. There are times where I just want to lie down on the bed, close my eyes, and never wake up. And I know these symptoms are coincidental with clinical depression. This isn’t helped that, after my ban from the mental health support server, the other server I visited vilified me for it even further, saying things such as “You’re a failure as a person.”, “Something’s really wrong with you if you got rejected by a mental help group.”, etc. The only thing they didn’t say outright was suicide.

I’m so lost and want to heal this, but carrying the guilt of losing Jack and Jill, along with everything else, I don’t know what to do. I want to see a therapist, but the quarantine forbids going outside. Worse yet, how do I regain my passion for the things I used to love?

Burning Down My House

DEAR BURNING DOWN MY HOUSE: I’m going to be straight with you, BDMH, you very clearly have problems that are going above and beyond my pay-grade and are well into “you desperately need to be talking to a professional”. And I mean an actual health care professional, not a mutual support Discord server, not subreddits, not any place that isn’t the office of a licensed and trained mental health professional.

Here’s the problem: you’re looking for help everywhere but where you’re actually going to get it. And frankly, the way you’re behaving, the way you’ve behaved and the way you’re doing everything but what you need to do is only going to make things worse. And to be perfectly honest: the fact that you are on the spectrum doesn’t really get you off the hook.

Let’s start with Jill and Jack. You were doing ok with them, but it’s pretty clear that you were focused on them to an unsettling degree. The fact that you got so upset that they went out on a date for their anniversary is a pretty good indicator that there’s more here than just being jealous that they were happy and in a relationship and you weren’t. Now maybe you had stronger feelings for Jill and were jealous that she was in a relationship with Jack, maybe you wanted a relationship exactly like theirs… dunno. But the fact that you got so upset about this that Jill told you to back off and you got banned (…from the Discord server? The game? You don’t say) is a sign that you were doing things that were pretty heinous.

Now your letter is a little unclear on the timeline but writing a story using them as characters and making some sort of obscene joke about them was either the inciting incident or the last straw and honestly… the fact that it was clear enough that they could tell you were talking about them is another mark that you really need to work on understanding and respecting boundaries and limits and what’s acceptable behavior. Badgering people about their relationship and using them as the basis for dirty jokes in your fiction? That’s going to be well past the point of acceptability for a lot of people.

Then there’s the fact that you, by your own admission, regularly pester strangers, first to reveal their gender to you, then for pictures. That, quite frankly, is very creepy, especially since you only do it to women or people you suspect are women. It doesn’t matter that you’re just asking for a “face reveal”, for whatever that means to you. It doesn’t matter what you may or may not be needing those pictures for. The fact of the matter is, if somebody wants to keep their gender ambiguous or unknown, that’s their choice and you need to respect it. Similarly, if they don’t want people — or just you, specifically — to know what they look like, that is also their decision and you need to respect that. Continually demanding either from them is unwelcome, it’s harassment and quite frankly, I’m unsurprised you got banned from the server. The fact that you “want to genuinely be friends” is irrelevant; you’re making people feel deeply uncomfortable with your behavior.

And while you seem to recognize that you’re creeping people out, you don’t seem to either be willing to stop doing it, or even take responsibility for your actions. I mean, you’re using incredibly passive language here; “made the other members of the server vilify me”, “got me banned”, “vilified me for it even further”. All of this is giving me the impression that you don’t seem to have actually accepted that this is your doing; you phrase these things as though they were unfairly thrust upon you, rather than being the consequences of your actions.

Now is skin hunger a thing? Yes. We’re pack animals, and physical touch is part of how we communicate, show affection and bond with one another. Not having as much physical contact with others can cause emotional distress; American culture in particular is very hands-off, and leaves a lot of people feeling disconnected and craving that contact with others. But to be very blunt: while there are ways of getting that need for physical contact met, you are in no way, shape or form in a place where I would feel comfortable recommending them to you. Considering how you’ve behaved with people on your various Discord servers, I would be doing a huge disservice to any service or community by pointing you to them. All of these would be groups or individuals that demand an understanding of consent, communication and boundaries — things that you are continuing to struggle with.

So right now the only thing you need to be doing is talking to a professional. And while yes, the pandemic means that you may not be able to visit a therapist in person, there are many, many therapists who do telemedicine and meet with their clients over Zoom, Skype and other apps. If you already have contact information for a therapist in your area, then I would tell you to start there. If not, then head to Psychology Today and use their referral directory to find a therapist in your area — especially someone who specializes in clients on the autism spectrum and need help with social skills and social cues.

If you want to heal, move forward and regain the passion for things you love, that needs to be your number one priority.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com