DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thanks for all the work you do! I have a question I’ve been pondering for a while now, and it is how on earth I figure out what I want. Because I can’t. And I have been trying very, very hard.

Professionally I’m all set (in my very early 30s, got all the opportunities anyone could ever ask for), my family is amazing and supportive and drama free (mostly very far away, but that’s about the only complaint I have) and my friends are beyond awesome. My life is already as close to perfect as it gets in this world, and sometimes I wonder how on earth I could possibly get even more lucky and find the perfect relationship to top it all off. Because that would seem like having my cake and eating it. And I can’t help but suspect that nobody really gets to do that.

Thing is, I don’t even know if I want a relationship. I’m content and I have a lot of challenging things to work towards. I have all the emotional support I want, mostly thanks to your awesome writing on developing emotional intimacy with people that I have no interest in seeing romantically. Seriously, it’s like someone gave you a cheat code for life. So I see very little benefit in relationships.

Whenever I am seeing someone romantically, it takes about a month before I crave being on my own again because I get to do whatever I like, whenever it pleases me. This was a bit more pertinent before that thing everybody is talking about because I would travel a lot, privately and professionally. That’s off the cards for now, but the feeling is the same even when there are no real opportunities I am missing out on. Somehow, whenever I am dating someone, time to myself becomes incredibly valuable and time spent with them bores me. So I end things. And I hurt people doing that, which I hate. But staying with them would be terribly unfair to them because I’d be faking it.

Then I am relieved and single again and content. And then I start to wonder if maybe I am missing out on something and start dating again and so the cycle goes. But I never have the connections with people I date that I have with my friends, and so I leave. Again. And then I start to wonder. Again.

Hell, I even went to see a psychologist about this (among other things) and they said some stuff about avoidant attachment that sounded sort of true but also a bit generic, kind of like a horoscope.

Any advice?

Is What You Want What You Need?

DEAR IS WHAT YOU WANT WHAT YOU NEED?: What you have, IWYWWYN, is a classic case of “asking the wrong question”. What you have isn’t exactly a problem so much as that you’re coming at this from the wrong angle. So let’s adjust things a little bit and see if that doesn’t help.

Now to start with, you’re actually in a great position all around. One of the things I regularly people is that you don’t want a relationship that “completes” you. I see this all the time: someone who thinks that they need a relationship in order to be “complete” or to be fulfilled. They essentially see themselves as having this hole in their life marked “girlfriend” or “partner” and want to find someone — anyone — to fill it. But the problem with this approach is that they’re relying on someone else to fulfill their lives. Not only is this a huge amount of pressure to put on another person that can risk damaging the relationship, but it also ultimately outsources your happiness and well-being to another person. You’re no longer in control of your own life; you’re dependent on someone else to make you happy, and that’s an inherently unstable situation. Relationships end, partners leave or pass away, and suddenly you’ve got that massive hole in your life again.

You, on the other hand, are in the place that I tell people is ideal: live a great life full of things that satisfy you and bring you joy. Have strong and emotionally fulfilling relationships with friends and family, have things that feed your soul and give you reason to get up in the morning. When you look around and think “hey, this is pretty good! Having someone to share it with would be great too!”, then you’re in an excellent position to find a partner; you aren’t relying on them for your happiness or emotional needs AND you have a great life to share with someone. That means you’re coming to any relationship from a position of collaboration — “here’s what I bring to the table, here’s what you bring to the table, let’s put them together and see what happens”. And as an added bonus, it helps bolster an abundance mentality when it comes to dating. Because you aren’t coming to a date or potential relationship from a position of neediness or desperation, you’re better able to weigh issues like compatibility and interest. If someone’s not right for you… well, it’s a damn shame, but hey, that just means that this single person isn’t right for you, and now you’re free to find someone who is. And there’re millions of folks out there who are your potential match.

I think the problem you’re having is that you’re dating people who aren’t necessarily right for you. One of the things people often get wrong about relationships is that they think that being in a relationship with someone means that you need to be joined at the hip. That you need to spend as much time with them as you possibly can. That’s simply not true. While that style of relationship and connection works for some people, that doesn’t work for everyone, nor should it. Some people are dogs, who need their pack. Some folks are cats; they want their clowder, but they don’t necessarily need them all the time. They like getting together when it suits them and doing their own thing when it suits them.

(Yes, I realize that there are very clingy, cuddly and sociable cats. I have one. Roll with the metaphor here)

You seem like somebody who values their alone time. That’s valid. It just means you want to date someone who understands that and — preferably — likes their alone time too. And trust me: those folks exist. In fact, they tend to have the same struggles you do: finding someone who doesn’t want to be up on them 24/7/52.

The issue is that is sounds like either you’re not dating those people, or you’re not establishing that you like having your solo time as well as being in a relationship. Now you don’t mention this in your letter, so I can’t tell if it’s that you’re dating people who aren’t compatible with you or if you feel that you’re supposed to spend more time with them than you would prefer. But either way, it comes down to that you’ve had relationships that don’t work because you aren’t making that a priority for you — something that should ideally come up when you and your partner have the Defining The Relationship talk.

The other issue you bring up is about how you don’t have the connections with the people you date that equal what you have with your friends. This, I suspect, is a matter of time, rather than anything inherent to romantic relationships. From the sounds of it, you’re only seeing people for about a month or so at a time before you get twitchy and decide you need your space. That’s not really enough time to build a strong and lasting emotional connection, especially compared to the one you have with friends you’ve known for years. And considering that you seem to be dating people you’re not a good match with, I can see why you might not be motivated to work on building that connection.

Now it’s certainly possible that you fall somewhere on the asexual/aromantic spectrum and so the idea of a relationship is more interesting to you than the reality. But honestly, it sounds a little more like “wrong person, wrong relationship” to me.

So my first suggestion is that you prioritize finding a person whose relationship style matches yours — someone who like the companionship and romance of a relationship, but also likes their own space and own time. If you’re using dating apps, then I’d suggest making that clear in your profile. It’s much easier to start off with someone who’s on the same page than it is to pivot to this when you have the DTR conversation… especially if they went into this expecting something different.

One thing that might help — assuming that monogamy isn’t something you absolutely need in the long term — is to look for people who want a  casual relationship, rather than something serious or a friends-with-benefits arrangement. One of the things that can often trip people up is the label, rather than the relationship itself. Many couples have found that they have a great relationship… as long as they don’t call each other “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”.  “Relationship”, “boyfriend”  and “girlfriend” all come with cultural baggage and assumptions built into them that can trip people up. However, when you remove the label — and attendant expectations — then suddenly the issues people have often clear up. If you and a potential partner have a casual relationship or an FWB relationship, it may make it easier to have that time apart you need without feeling like you’re being tied down.

In these cases, just remember that it took time to build the sort of emotional intimacy you have with your friends; you’re going to need time and effort to build that with the people you date.

Another possibility — if you want to explore it, that is — is to simply embrace the short-term relationship. Relationships don’t need to end with somebody dying in the saddle in order to be successful. Relationships that only last a few months are just as real and valid as ones that span decades. While this means that you’re less likely to build the kind of emotional connection you have with your platonic friends, it’s a relationship style that may be more fitting for your needs. Just make sure that, if you go this route, that the people you date know this is what to expect; letting people believe that this relationship has long-term potential when it doesn’t is not cool.

Or it could well be that you’re just not that into dating and romance. And hey, if that’s the case, then more power to you. If it ain’t broke, then there’s nothing that needs “fixing”. If you think that’s you, then it might be worth checking out some of the FAQs and forums at asexuality.org; they can help give you the vocabulary and resources that might help clarify things for you in the future. Plus, if you decide that maybe you would like to give this “dating” thing another shot, there’s nothing saying that you can’t. Just keep those guidelines I mentioned in mind.

Like I said, IWYWWYN, you’re in a good place over all and especially when it comes to dating. All you really need is a perspective shift, and I think things will shake out for you, one way or another.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I think I’ve come to the denouement of my real problem, but as it was a painful process and is still ongoing, I’d like to relate my story and see if you have any good advice for moving forward.

I cut ties with a toxic partner about a week ago. I think one of the hardest things about our relationship was seeing massive red flags everywhere and allowing myself to have my mental slate erased like an Etch-a-Sketch by the fact that this abuse was unintentional.

So, in 2013, I was feeling good about being alone when I met Jake (names have been changed to protect the innocent) online. We seemed to hit it off, so we started going out. We had mind-blowing earth-shattering sex that eclipses my memory of our first year. He was unemployed, and I helped him with the caring kick in the ass he needed to start making money again and move out of his parents’ house. He felt a lot of guilt about mooching off their support since he quit his lucrative last IT job and squandered his savings. I was also living at home, and understood the shame that comes from not having income.

I quit my retail job to work in my field in 2014 and was glad of it because my resume had even more holes in it than Jake’s swiss cheese history. I was let go about a month later. This was a big blow to my self-esteem but Jake was there to get me through the rough times. After living with roommates for a year, he decided to move with me to a shared house where I would be independent of my parents. He floated the idea of being my sole source of financial support, so I could focus on my career without stress.

Then he asked me to marry him.

I was a little taken aback since we were both kind of anti-wedding if not anti-patriarchal-symbol-of-property-exchange, but I said yes. In the months leading up to my moving in with Jake, his insistence on a D/s relationship became subtly more aggressive, and I said sure we can try that. I’m probably a french vanilla with sprinkles as kink goes, and it wasn’t difficult, until I got triggered one evening and was unable to “red” out (red means stop, yellow means slow down, like a stoplight) of a scene. I insisted that this was due to a scene dynamic I was unprepared for, but Jake cooled his jets and held onto resentment that I wasn’t into being kinky. A few months later, I tried to take it in a different direction – dog seemed to have a different connotation than slave to me, so I suggested pet play. Jake didn’t understand the distinction, but was excited to learn.

A few months later, I moved in with him. The roommates we shared a townhouse with were passive aggressive and weird and made life annoying. Worse, tensions at his job were inciting Jake to look for new work. When OPM investigated his candidacy further due to a fudging of being fired to a “mutual decision for me to leave,” Jake’s chances for keeping his new job seemed to diminish (as far as I know he still has it, go figure). We had a huge fight about whether the government was right to brand him not suitable for a clearance – I insisted that it was not a personal judgement of his character to say that if he lied to the government in fear of losing his job, maybe he wasn’t the best candidate for a clearance. He locked the door to our bedroom and bathroom for an hour.

Having resolved that fight semi-peaceably with a decision to table our engagement, which involved shearing off my bride hair, we moved forward. I got a job as a pet sitter and dog walker that was stressful but allowed me to be financially independent for the most part. I got a much better job a year later that was just enough above minimum wage for us to afford an apartment in an expensive part of the city closer to Jake’s job, where he was put on non-cleared overhead for a negotiated salary of 63k or so. Mine was somewhere around 30.

So we moved into our own one bedroom apartment in 2017. Fights were regular. In the interim years, my friends had stopped inviting us to social engagements. My family mentioned they wanted to see us more often. But whenever I would see someone without Jake, he treated it as emotional cheating, and leaving him out of my life. I increasingly wanted time alone in the apartment, which only spurred on Jake’s feelings of abandonment.

Somewhere around the third time I was provisionally fired and made to look for and train my own replacement at my job, I stopped making transfers for rent to Jake. My salary had been cut but I couldn’t find work elsewhere. We fought about it but never discussed it. He insisted that if I spent less on frivolous things, I’d have the money to pay him.

I walked out of my job one day and into the ER for fear of my safety from suicidal depression. Jake was supportive and joined me at the hospital. I quit my job officially later that day. In the months that followed, I worked on myself and got two jobs to make ends meet – part-time at the job I’d quit a month ago, and part time dog walking. Things had reached a comfortable lull that I was thinking Jake and I could move forward from. I asked him about getting out of our lease and he said not to worry about it.

Then one day he started a roundabout conversation about moving into a townhouse again, this time renting a room so that I could afford rent. At this point, I owed him back rent on our agreement of some $3000. Next day, the current lease was cancelled, waiting for my signature. He toured houses without me, and we had our last big fight, after which I stormed out to stay with my mom.

I moved out, and we stayed friends. We tried a few months later to patch things up. It didn’t work. My family hated how he sponged my time. Then the pandemic hit. Jake texted me, as he often did while we were together, saying it was difficult to be the person no one wanted to talk to. I texted back viciously that he could see a therapist, work on himself for once. He blocked me. My family and friends rejoiced and told me all the ways he was awful. I thought it was because they were trying to be supportive.

Then last week I was thinking (a dangerous pastime), wondering how Jake was and if he wanted closure. He wasn’t the type to just cut ties out of the blue. I offered an olive branch over text and he called me by our secret pet name for each other in return.

In the next week, I talked with him for about 8 hours a day for four days. Jake had started therapy and antidepressants. Was working toward getting better and wanted to be friends, even platonic partners. On the fourth day, my family intervened. Since then, I’ve been untangling a web of unintentional gaslighting going back almost 7 years. I wouldn’t say I’m not responsible for at least some of the toxicity between us. But I have learned that he does not care about me and that was all I needed to put him out of my life for good. I am aware of the ways I hurt him – most were made clear to me at the time; some I had come to on my own. I didn’t and still don’t know how deeply I was hurt by our relationship.

I know, and am sorry, that you have first hand experience with both sides of this kind of toxicity. I think that’s why I’m asking you, now that I’ve asked everyone else in my life.

I guess what I’m wondering, as someone intentionally oblivious, being manipulated and abused by someone just as intentionally oblivious of that manipulation, how to understand and prevent it from happening again?

How can I know myself when my mirror is so distorted from years of warping? How can I know my yes when my no has been so absent? How can I recover and share mutual intimacy with future partners? More importantly, how can I love myself after years of being “loved” the wrong way?

Ex-Victim

DEAR EX-VICTIM: This is one of those times where I REALLY wish you’d included more detail about what went down between you and your ex. Because, I’m going to be honest, EV: I’m not seeing much in your letter as it’s written that suggests a lot of abuse or gaslighting. Most of what I’m seeing is the story of two people who were a bad match, who stayed in a relationship for much longer than was healthy for either of them. While there are definitely some red-flags here — Jake losing his security clearance because he lied to the government about why he got fired, and having a temper-tantrum over it for example — most of them are flaws of character, rather than abusive behavior. There ARE behaviors that you describe that definitely butt up on being toxic or borderline abusive behavior, such as how he would get upset that you saw friends or family without him. Isolating somebody from their friends and loved ones is a classic sign of abuse. However, this doesn’t sound like he was trying to keep you away from friends or preventing you from seeing anyone he didn’t approve of; it sounds like he would have a big sad when you’d go out and make it your responsibility to manage his feelings. Which is s--tty, but not exactly abusive, honestly. A lot is going to depend on just what he was doing and how, and from what we have in the letter, it’s hard for me — a person reading this at quite the remove — to make that call.

Now I want to be absolutely clear: I’m NOT saying that manipulation or gaslighting didn’t happen, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Nor, for that matter, am I disagreeing with you that this was a toxic relationship or that this wasn’t abusive. All I’m saying is that it feels like details are missing that could help. So I can’t really comment on the specifics with THIS guy and tell you what to look out for based on your experiences.

That having been said, it sounds like you’re still processing things in the wake of your break up. That’s good. Sometimes it can take time to recognize what somebody did to you and to come to terms with it. Going back and looking at your relationship can help you recognize issues in hindsight that you can then be more mindful of in the future. Especially when you can look back and realize that behavior that you accepted as normal at the time was, in fact, a giant red flag. Or, for that matter that it was actually abusive.

But here are some things to be on the lookout for in your future relationships.

To start with: how does they act at the start of the relationship? Are they incredibly demonstrative and effusive with their feelings, telling you how amazing you are and how crazy they are about you, even though you barely know each other? Do they seem to feel much more strongly than would be warranted by the length of time that you’re dating? This is often a sign that somebody is love-bombing you — trying to overwhelm you with attention and affection so that you don’t notice how quickly the relationship is progressing or other red flags. Similarly, pushing for high levels of commitment early is a warning sign. Trying to get somebody to commit to a relationship when you’ve only just starting to get to know each other is an indicator either that the other person has low emotional intelligence or is trying to lock you down before you can get away.

Next: how do they respond to your having and enforcing boundaries? Do they demand that you let them do the thing they want anyway? Do they argue with you about why you have that boundary or why they should be allowed to ignore it? Do they continue to push at your limits, even when you’ve told them to stop? That’s an indication that they see boundaries and restrictions as things that happen to other people. Now keep in mind: it’s one thing to disagree with your boundary; it’s another to not respect it. People can think that your boundary or limit is absurd, wrong-headed or a mistake; that’s a matter of opinion.  However, if they still respect that boundary, then this isn’t a red flag; it’s merely a difference of opinion. We can think it’s absurd that, say, somebody thinks coffee is poison and refuses to drink it. But as long as we don’t try to convince them to have a cup (or try to trick them into drinking it) and respect their desire to avoid it, then we can disagree all we want.

How do they treat you around others? Do they neg you, insult you or undermine you when you’re out with friends? Are you always the butt of their jokes? Do they bring things up in order to embarrass you or make you feel awkward? When you’re celebrating a success, do they do or say things that diminish what you’ve accomplished? Do they make you feel as though you’re a failure or worthless? Do they mock or belittle your ambitions, goals or dreams?

For that matter, do they constantly question your views or beliefs? Do they insist that you have to be mistaken about things that you know to be true? Do they make you question your judgement and doubt your own instincts? Are you almost always wrong, especially about things that make you upset or hurt you? Are you “always making such a big deal out of things” or “blowing things out of proportion”? Do they make you question your view of reality?

While we’re at it: are love and affection conditional? Do they withdraw and act cold to you when you’ve done something wrong? Do they use things like the silent treatment and a refusal to answer calls or texts as punishment for when you “misbehave”?  Are you always unsure about where you stand with them, or do you feel fairly certain and secure in your relationship?

Do they do things that scare you, especially deliberately? This can include anything from reckless driving, yelling and screaming, damaging or destroying property (including punching walls, smashing or throwing dishes or glasses) or otherwise making threats? For that matter, do they threaten to hurt themselves if you do something they don’t like, including leaving them?

Do they try to control you and your actions? This could be direct or indirect. They could pitch a fit or make a scene in public in order to embarrass you when they don’t get their way. They could put up such a fuss when you go out to see friends (constantly demanding to know where you are, what you’re doing and when you’re coming home, pouting and crying and acting hurt, etc) that you end up not seeing them because it’s too much of a hassle. Or they could insist on having control of, say, your finances, your medication or other necessities.

It’s worth noting: this isn’t an exhaustive list, nor is it definitive. Sometimes people can act in ways that hurt us without realizing it. Other times there can be scrambled lines of communication and people simply aren’t being heard or trying to get their needs met in unproductive ways. But when a potential or future partner trips one of these red flags or sets your Spidey-sense tingling, then it’s important to examine things as carefully and dispassionately as possible. It may well be a good idea to get the opinion of a friend whose judgement you trust, just so that you can have an outsider’s perspective.

But more than anything else: pay attention to how they make you feel. If someone makes you feel insecure, unsafe or otherwise uncomfortable, listen to those feelings. Those are warning signs, and should be taken seriously. It might be nothing. It may end up being a big mistake. But often, those feelings are a sign that things are wrong, even if you’re not consciously aware of it. So examine your relationship with Jake, process what happened, what he did and what you did… and then learn from it. The lessons you take away from that relationship may be what help you exit a future, toxic relationship at speed, instead of spending another 7 years with someone who’s manifestly wrong for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been thinking about an idea that appeals to me, and wondering if there are some deeper lessons that can be learned from it. I would appreciate a qualified second opinion on the matter, and so I would like to hear your advice, if that is alright.

Background details (to let you know what position I’m approaching this from)

I grew up under an abusive sister. I didn’t know it at the time, but my father sexually abused her as a child and she would take it out on me. Even now my sister has a very intense male-oriented madonna-whore complex, and she needed me to be a madonna in contrast to my father’s whore, as it were. If I failed in any way to live up to this image of perfection she had of me, my sister would scream and curse at me.

In recent years I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve had difficult conversations/confrontations with my sister and family, and I’m in a much healthier and safer place now than I was as a kid. I’ve started to put myself out there with online dating, and while I haven’t had much success yet, I’m learning from each failure, and I feel better putting myself out there and getting rejected than if I just stayed at home feeling sorry for myself.

My approach to dating has been to present my unvarnished self from the get-go; to be the best me that I can be, and to be so unashamedly. Maybe who I am isn’t what women want, and that’s fine, but I won’t box myself into some untrue image just to please someone else. I’d rather be alone because of who I am than be with someone while pretending to be something I’m not.

On the question of “What would I provide in a relationship?” (because I know that will come up), I am intelligent and I enjoy discussing and learning about new things and new people. All my friends and family say that I would make a good professor, and if it weren’t for all the student debt and low chance for employment, I’d honestly be pursuing a PhD now. I have no idea if that’s something women would find attractive, but my ideal goal for a relationship is that we get on well with each other and we are attracted to each other. There are extra things that I would like to have, like us sharing common interests or hobbies, but those are the two things I need and the two things I am aiming for.

So here’s my thought:

I really like cosplay models, and I’ve noticed myself sometimes thinking that it would be nice if I were to date one. I’m not sure if “fantasy” is the right term for this, because it’s not so much something I have an intense longing for as it is something where when it crosses my mind I sigh like a schoolboy and think “Yeah, that’d be nice.” I’ve thought about it for a while and the reasons I enjoy the idea are threefold:

1. Simple shared interests. I grew up thinking that my geeky hobbies were something I would have to hide from a girlfriend, or something she would only tolerate. The idea of “Wow, you like this nerdy piece of media too? That’s awesome!” really appeals to me then. I don’t often cosplay myself, but I do have some costumes in my closet, and whenever I’ve met cosplayers I’ve always enjoyed talking about it with them.

2. This is going to sound weird, but to bring it back to madonna-whore complexes, somehow the idea of dating someone with a public “madonna” persona and being able to see her human idiosyncrasies is really attractive to me. Like, everyone thinks she’s this always-perfect-and-hot goddess, but have they ever seen her when she’s just got out of bed, with her ruffled hair, morning breath, and grumbling for coffee while she farts? I know it’s weird, but I’m really attracted to that idea of “Everyone sees you as some perfect idol, but I know you’re just a human being and I love you for that.”

3. My sister doesn’t have a very high opinion of women who use their bodies for a job. At best it’s like “Oh, you’re hot, so you don’t have real problems” and at worst it’s like “Filthy, filthy whores!” So then, the idea of dating someone who also doesn’t live up to my sister’s ideas of perfection, but seeing that they’re really a good person and someone I love and respect, it’s like living, objective proof that my sister’s MWC is bulls--t. Like, I can’t be a perfect paragon, and neither can my girlfriend, but that’s okay. We can both just be human, and even if we don’t get a perfect, Hollywood romance, we can make a lasting relationship together and that’s awesome.

So, thinking about all this, I have two questions:

1. When it comes to things we want but don’t need in a relationship, how do we differentiate between things that we don’t need but still aim for, and things that we don’t need, don’t try to obtain, but would love if we found someone with those qualities? Like, I know I’m never going to actually date a cosplay model. I have absolutely no idea how I would go about meeting one, and even if I did, there are so many other factors that go into a relationship. It’s precisely because they’re human beings that even if I were to meet a cosplay model, we could easily just be incompatible because of our lifestyles, worldviews, or any number of other things. And it’s entirely possible that everything I’ve just said about my idea is really disrespectful and fetishizing towards cosplay models. If that’s the case, I’d appreciate clear-headed advice on how to shake such a toxic mindset. But even unrelated to my case, surely we all have things we’d like to have in a relationship that aren’t strictly necessary, like our ideal partner being a doctor or a redhead or whatnot. Should we still aim for those things, or just be appreciative if they happen? How do we determine that?

2. If our ideal of a relationship is a rejection of abuse we faced, does that signal us getting over the abuse or the abuse still controlling us? I am attracted to a living rejection of the madonna-whore complex because I was a victim of the male version of it as a child, but does that mean I’ve got my own, different complex that I need to work on? I know my sister abused me because she wanted to reject the idea of all men being like my father. And even though I’m confident I can break the cycle, I know it’s possible to make different, but equally terrible, mistakes in our desire to avoid the mistakes of our abusers. How can we check ourselves to make sure that won’t happen?

I hope this message wasn’t too long, and I hope that there’s something deeper that other people can learn from my own, specific situation. Again, if I’ve said something disrespectful or fetishizing, don’t hesitate to tell me. Even if I’m in the wrong, that just means I have to learn from that wrongness and do better. In the meantime, I hope you are staying safe and healthy, what with the viral situation, and I hope you have a great day.

Sincerely,

-Eager to Learn

DEAR EAGER TO LEARN: I’m so sorry for what you and your sister have gone through. Familial abuse, especially sexual abuse is horrific and can leave some intense scars. Part of what’s so insidious about abuse are the after-effects, where people adopt coping mechanisms to deal with the trauma… but those coping mechanisms are intensely unhealthy, either for the survivor, or for the people in their lives. While your sister may have been trying to help you, what she did was abusive and traumatic to you. So it’s good that you’ve confronted both her, your father and your trauma and have gone to a therapist. That is a huge, huge step in the right direction and you should be proud of everything you’ve accomplished and how far you’ve come.

Now let’s dig in because, honestly, there’s a lot to unpack here.

Let’s start with what you want in a relationship and what you bring to the table. This is actually the first place you run into trouble because… well, honestly, most of what you lay out — both in terms of what you bring to the table and what you want from a partner — are standard issue. Intellectual curiosity and enjoying discussing things are a nice start, but there’s not much else there. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have other qualities that people would want in a partner, but it does sound like you’re selling yourself short. Really short. While good conversation can be an important part of attraction, it’s not the only thing. A lot of what triggers attraction and builds the connection that leads to romance are about how you make people feel. So conversation’s a nice place to start, but it’s going to be important that you think a little more broadly about the ways you can connect with someone and make them feel amazing.

And in fairness, this could be a lot of different things. You could make someone laugh like nobody else does. You might be a great dancer or take them on unexpected and exciting dates because you know all the hidden and overlooked corners of your city. You might have a way with words or be insightful, seeing things in her that nobody else recognizes. It’s a matter of finding those things that make you uniquely you that help you connect with someone and elicit all those amazing feelings from them.

By that same token, the only thing you list as being what you must have in a relationship is… mutual attraction and getting along with each other. Which is great, don’t get me wrong, but that’s also like saying that what you want most in a car is that it has wheels and an engine. That’s literally the baseline to what makes it a car; they’re vital for the basic operation of the vehicle. You’ve set your expectation for “comes standard with every model.” Honestly, I think you can do a little better than that when it comes to what you would want in a partner.

So I think you should spend a little time thinking about what you would want in a potential girlfriend — more than just looks or “likes me”. What kind of personality would your ideal partner have, what kind of interests and hobbies? Having a better idea of what you want over all makes it much easier to figure out what are your “must haves” (besides, again, the baseline) and value-adds. 

It’s going to be pretty important to put some thought into this because if I’m perfectly honest… you kind of go off in the wrong direction almost immediately after that when you bring up cosplay models.

So I get that you — like a lot of geeky guys — grew up with the idea that being a geek was the pinnacle in unsexiness and that there were no geeky girls nor girls who dug geeky things. And the truth is that this hasn’t been true since… well, pretty much ever. Women have been deeply embedded in geek culture since the jump. Whether we’re talking about the women who functionally invented costumed heroes (The Scarlet Pimpernel — Baroness Orczy), science fiction (Frankenstein — Mary Shelly) or modern fandom (Star Trek — Lucille Ball, Jean Lorrah and Jaqueline Lichtenberg, Bjo Trimble, Joan Winston and Elyse Rosenstein), women have always been into geeky s--t. The only reason why we think of geekdom as a “guy” thing is because marketers made a conscious decision to exclude women from it.

So the fact that you’re a geek or like geeky s--t doesn’t disqualify you or make you unattractive. And while I get that dating a cosplayer would mean finding a girlfriend who’s very visible about her geeky interests… honestly man, I think that’s more about you than it is about her. It sounds like at some level, you see dating a cosplayer, especially one who’s conventionally hot or has a large following on Instagram as a sort of trophy: look at how good this guy is at being a geek, he’s unlocked the ultimate nerd achievement! It’s less about her than it is about how it reflects on you.

I don’t think you realize this, because you dip straight into it when you mention the part about “everyone thinks she’s perfect but ONLY I get to see the human side of you”. Which, yeah, I get that can sound romantic, but really only until you think about it for a half second. Again that’s straight into it being about you than her; “everyone else thinks you’re a goddess but I am so special that I can see through it all and see the human beneath!” That’s not really about the whole Madonna-Whore complex, that’s about being the ONE GUY who’s able to look past the (incredibly hot) surface. Except it’s literally the surface that interests you; she is quite literally wearing her geeky interest on her shirtsleeves.

And straight talk man: I’m lucky enough to be friends with some amazing and beautiful women who are in all sorts of beauty-oriented careers and industries, from dancers to lingerie models. Pretty much none of them like the whole “but I see the REAL you” thing because… well, that kind of implies that they’re somehow less real when they’re made up or dressed to the nines. Which honestly is kind of its own Madonna-Whore issue.

Just as importantly though, while, again, I get where you’re coming from, dating someone because it’d be like giving your sister the double-bird with “f--k this, f--k that and f--k you in particular” sprinkles isn’t rejecting her or her abuse of you. In a very real way, it’s actually tacitly accepting her frame. All you’re doing is saying “oh this is bad? Well I’m gonna GO DO THE BAD THING EVEN HARDER BECAUSE SCREW YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR,” while still agreeing that this is bad. The key to breaking this cycle and not letting her abuse control you is to reject the frame entirely. That doesn’t mean going and doing the opposite of what she was trying to instill in you, it means moving past her and living the life you want without her influence at all. Maybe you’ll date someone who’s looks are a part of her career. Maybe you won’t. But it doesn’t matter because it’s not about your sister, it’s about you and the person you connect with.

Now I know all of this sounds pretty harsh and that I’m telling you that you’re an awful, shallow person for having these ideas. I’m really not. I think you’re someone who’s lived an incredibly hard life, who’s been dragged through the fires of Hell and has the ashes to prove it. I think that since you’ve started working through your trauma, you’re able to start thinking more about relationships and the kinds of people you want to date… you’re just coming to this from a place of inexperience. A lot of what you’re thinking about and trying to figure out are things that many folks went through at a younger age because they didn’t have to live through the s--t and the pain that you did.

And I think your biggest issue is that ultimately, this is all theory. What you need more than anything else is to get some experience under your belt. You need a little less thought exercise and a bit more getting out and meeting people, flirting with them, vibing with them and just seeing where things go.

So here’s what I suggest: put the cosplayer thing aside and just focus on meeting people. I realize that feels daunting right about now — what with a global pandemic, quarantining and social distancing and all — but just putting yourself out there, finding your community, getting to know people and yes, going on dates is your best choice. Put up a couple dating profiles, start having some video dates and maybe — maybe — see about having some dates in person. Obviously it’s going to all be contingent on COVID safety and precautions. But the more you take this out of the realm of the theoretical and into the lived experience, the more I think you’ll start to break out of this mindset you’ve got going on.

Don’t date because it’ll piss off your sister; that’s not going to refute the abuse she heaped on you. Don’t date people because you think you need proof that being a geek can be sexy.  And don’t date people because you want to prove you “see past their exterior”.

Date people because they make you smile, because they turn you on and because you have so many awesome things in common. Date them because they’re incredible people who make you feel like you’re the sexiest motherf--ker ever to stride the planet. And date them because they’re so special to you that you look back and wonder how you never knew this was what you needed in your life.

Live a good life full of joy, compassion and understanding — for yourself and the people in your life. That’s how you break that mindset and break the cycle.

Good luck.

And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com