DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve got an odd relationship problem that I feel awful about and could really use some guidance. 

I’ve been with my fiancé for a little over 3 years now. He’s my best friend and overall we have a really great relationship. Recently I’ve been finding myself less interested in the sexual aspect of our relationship and I find myself fantasizing  about the earlier part of our relationship. I think it’s because he was a virgin when we meet, and if I’m really being honest with myself I’m pretty sure I have a fetish for that. I should probably mention that I’ve dealt with sexual & emotional abuse in my previous relationship, so I’ve never really thought about what I’m into before because I never thought I could enjoy sex.

I’m afraid to bring this up with him because I don’t want to make him feel bad but I also want to have a healthy attitude towards sex and actually be able to enjoy it. If I do have a fetish is there a healthy way that I can enjoy that? I feel like asking him to role play being a nervous awkward virgin again would just be really uncomfortable for him.

So Confused

DEAR SO CONFUSED: First of all SC, I want to congratulate you on working through the trauma and fears that were inflicted on you from your previous relationship. Having the courage to work through the pain and realizing that you actually can enjoy sex and intimacy with a partner is huge, and you should be rightly proud of how much you’ve done and how far you’ve come.

So let’s talk about sex, fetishes, and how to talk to your partner about what you need.

First and foremost, getting an erotic charge about being the more experienced partner and teaching them about sex is fairly common. More often than not, the thrill comes from the eroticization of the differences in power; the more experienced partner tends to be the dominant role, taking control and guiding the less-experienced partner’s actions. This can hit a number of buttons: the thrill of being in charge of the situation, having control over somebody, being somebody’s first significant sex partner, the thrill of educating or “corrupting” an innocent, even the fantasy of molding someone so that they please you exactly the way that you need. In a lot of ways, this is very much the same dynamic as between a dominant and a submissive in a BDSM scene; one person is in charge and dictating the actions of the other. The difference is that instead of tying somebody up or disciplining them with impact play, it’s emotional and mental. You’re still in charge, but it’s closer to being a teacher/student; the desire to please and be pleased is still there.

And as with doms and subs, there are a number of ways that you can play with this dynamic; there’s the seduction of the innocent, the more experienced woman educating or initiating a shy but eager virgin who came for advice… the possibilities are really limited by your imagination and what gets your motor running.

Part of what can help you talk about this with your fiancé is to really dial into just what it is about the virginity aspect that turns you on. Is it about being in charge? Is it about flipping the (bulls--t) societal script about gender roles surrounding male and female sexuality? Is it an eroticization of the taboo, the idea of “taking advantage” of someone? The more you understand just what it is about this fantasy that works for you, the more you’ll be able to articulate it to your fiancé in ways that won’t sound like you’re telling him that you aren’t as into him now that he’s not a virgin any more. It may help to write it down; both the act of writing it out and seeing the words on paper may help you organize your thoughts in ways that just sitting there pondering it might not. Plus, writing it down serves as a form of rehearsal; this way you’re less likely to be nervous and garble your words, go blank or say it in ways that don’t convey what you actually mean. Having a script to refer to can help cut down on misunderstandings or trying to improvise in the moment and not being able to communicate things as clearly.

Once you feel like you’ve got a pretty good grasp on just what it is you like about those fantasies and how you could see them playing out, then it’s time to have an Awkward Conversation with your fiancé. It’s awkward, not because what you want is strange or outré or bad, but because it’s simply new and unusual for you, and you’re worried about how he might take things. Here’s how you structure it. First: you block out time for the two of you to talk, so that you won’t be interrupted or have to rush through it or leave things incomplete. Tell him: “Hey, I’ve had some ideas I’ve had about our sex-life; can we take a couple hours on Friday to talk about it?” Make it clear: this isn’t anything bad, there’s nothing wrong; quite the opposite really.

Then, when it’s time, let him know that you’re a little nervous, so you’d like to share your thoughts without being interrupted. Next: you let him know why you’re a bit nervous or hesitant to bring it up; in this case, because you’re worried that he might take it the wrong way or that you’re worried it might make him uncomfortable. Then you explain just what it was about the early days of your sex life that were so great — all of those reasons about why his being a virgin turned you on and why it gives you such a charge. After that you explain how you’d like to really lean into that turn-on: the kinds of fantasy or role-play that you two could do together that capture that dynamic. This wouldn’t be the only way you two have sex any more — even dedicated kinksters have sex the ol’ fashioned way — but it would add spice and excitement to things and keep things from falling into routine.

Now a thing that’s important is that you don’t want to roll this out to him as though it were a deep dark secret, or that this is some horrible thing that you need but you’re deeply ashamed of. You want to present it to him as this incredibly hot, exciting and sexy thing you want to do with him, this awesome new addition to your sex-life.

Then you say “… and how about you?” You give him his turn. Let him ask questions, see how he feels and even encourage him to share fantasies or desires he may have that he hasn’t mentioned yet. By modeling this behavior — talking about your needs, sharing your fantasies and encouraging open and clear communication — you’re encouraging a relationship dynamic that allows the two of you can talk openly and confidently about not just what you need from each other, but what you’d like to try together or things that he‘s fantasized about but may feel a little worried about telling you about.

He may need a little time to think about things — either to decide how he feels, or muster the courage to tell you what he wants. But by keeping the tone of conversation as “and here’s why this will be awesome!” and being open and non-judgmental, you’ll be creating a space for him to feel safe and empowered to share what he might want to try too. And not only will that help lead the two of you to have some awesome sexual adventures together, but it’ll help build the foundation for a long, happy and exciting relationship that will stand the test of time.

Good luck

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I met a young lady through a dating app. We have a lot in common and after a bit of talking and flirting we met up to have a responsible social distance date. It went well and we had a couple more and have hung out a couple of times.

I like her (obviously), but after spending time with her in person I find myself not romantically attracted to her, while she is seems interested in me that way. We haven’t been physical, just good times enjoying each other’s company.

My question is this: how do I let her down easy without killing our friendship?

Sincerely,

Trying Not to be Shawn Michaels

DEAR TRYING NOT TO BE SHAWN MICHAELS: Serious question, TNTBSM: has she actually said or done anything to make you think that she’s interested in being more than friends? Has she, for example, talked about the possibility of you two getting physical, or floated the idea of ways that maybe you could have a slightly less distanced get-together? Or is this more of a (completely understandable) free-floating anxiety, a fear of hurting someone who you are coming to like as a friend?

I’m a big fan of not borrowing trouble from the future, especially if there’s no reason to believe that there will be trouble in the future. If the two of you are just having a good time hanging out and nobody has started making comments about being more than friends, then I think having a “So just so you know, I don’t want to date you” sort of conversation is going to feel like it came out of left field.

Now, if she has given indications that she wants more than friendship… well, that’s where things get tricky. As More Adventurous Than He Thinks above can tell you: there really isn’t a way to say “I like you, just not the way you want me to” that doesn’t sting. But at the same time, letting someone believe there’s a chance for more when there isn’t is unnecessarily cruel, even if it’s in the name of trying to avoid causing pain with an awkward conversation.

If you’re legitimately interested in hanging out as friends, I don’t know if there’s a need for a preemptive “let’s just be friends” speech. But if she does decide to call the question, then the answer is to be gentle and be honest. You really like her, you enjoy hanging out with her, you’re glad you two have met and become friends, but you simply don’t feel the same way. I would also suggest that you let her know: you sincerely want to stay friends, but if that doesn’t work for her, you understand. Giving someone permission (as it were) to take care of themselves can sound weird and presumptive, but telling her you want her to prioritize her own emotional well-being is a kindness. Sometimes people — guys, gals and non-binary pals — need to be reminded that it’s ok to take a little time to feel your feels when you’ve been turned down, instead of trying to immediately shift to a platonic friendship without pausing to acknowledge that it kinda sucks.

That is, of course, assuming that the issue ever comes up. It’s entirely possible that she’s on the same page as you and thinks that you are hoping for something more. And while I’m a big fan of using your words… a lot of times, if nobody actually makes a move to take things romantic, things tend to settle into the friendship it was always meant to be. And who knows; maybe down the line, you two will talk about how you all met and laugh about the fact that you were both convinced that the other had a huge crush.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (35F) recently got up the nerve to ask out a guy (40M) who I’ve been good friends with for almost a year. We ended up Skyping a ton during quarantine because we both lived alone and enjoyed talking to each other. I caught feels pretty quickly after we started having hours-long conversations, gaming together, watching movies together over the Internet, texting all the time, etc. There were a lot of signals on both sides that more might be on the menu.

Finally, one night, I’d had a bit to drink during our Skype session and it was enough to give me the courage to ask him out. He said he was flattered, but he didn’t want to ruin our friendship because “women tend to stop liking him once they start sleeping with him.” Obviously, this could very well be a polite no that I’m reading too much into. If so, I’m perfectly happy to be just friends — this guy is awesome and I love spending time with him, and I’m not so far in the feels that I can’t respect platonic barriers.

The thing is, though — before COVID, before I started having feelings for him, I was house-sitting for him while he was out of town and I came across some of his porn collection. I really wasn’t snooping, I swear! I was sitting at his desk and I spilled my drink, and while I was frantically trying to move all of the papers out of the way before they got ruined, I uncovered a stack of printouts of erotic stories that indicate that he has a very specific kink that is generally frowned upon. Nothing illegal or dangerous, but I can definitely understand why a lot of women wouldn’t be super excited about it. I, however, am interested in giving it a try — it was something I’ve already considered trying myself but haven’t pursued. Since at the time his sex life wasn’t something I thought much about, I put the stories back where I found them and never mentioned them.

But now I’m wondering if that’s what he means by people not liking him after sleeping with him. So I guess my question is, is there any way to let him know that while I’m happy to just be friends, if he said no because women have dumped him over this kink and he thinks I would too, that’s not going to be an issue? Is there any way to say this without admitting that I found his porn, which I’m sure he would be super embarrassed by? (He’s never mentioned the kink in conversation, so there’s no way I could have known about it without stumbling across it in his house.) Or should I just accept the no on face value and move on with my life? I don’t want to push if he’s just not interested, but I also don’t want to miss out on something that could be great because he thinks I wouldn’t be into it.

Any advice would be appreciated!

More Adventurous Than He Thinks

DEAR MORE ADVENTUROUS THAN HE THINKS: One of the most frustrating things about getting a soft “no” — someone turning you down without actually saying “no” — is that it’s really tempting to think that maybe that “no” isn’t final. We see this all the time from guys who get soft no’s like “I’m not interested for a relationship right now”. Guys have a tendency to focus on the “right now”, rather than the silent “I’m not interested in a relationship… with you” that’s implied. As a result: they hang around hoping that they can wait out the clock and be there when she is ready to start dating. Similarly, when folks give a vague reason like “I’m not in the right place” or “dating just isn’t my priority right now”, many times the people on the receiving end miss that this is a refusal and instead think that the reason why that person can’t/won’t/isn’t ready to date them is a problem that can be solved. Since they aren’t ready to accept that they were rejected, they focus on trying to handle the supposed obstacle between them and romance.

That moment is the dating equivalent of Stacker Pentacost yelling “Reset the clock!”, because the countdown has started to the inevitable moment that the rejected person is going to discover that the object of their affection has started dating someone else. This almost always leads to frustration, confusion, hurt feelings and — frequently — tortured DMs demanding to know why they “lied”.

So let’s look at your circumstances MATHT. You’re into this guy. You were incredibly brave — seriously, that takes courage — and made your move. He was very polite, kind and gentle in turning you down, with a not entirely unreasonable objection. While I’m a firm believer that no, sex and romance are not antithetical to one another, if he worries that sex would disrupt your friendship, that’s a legitimate concern. If we assume that this is exactly as he said, then he’s someone with strong sense of self-awareness. He knows that something (we don’t know what) about how he conducts his affairs tends to wreck his relationships with women. Maybe this is a pattern in his relationships that he wants to break before he tries to pursue anything that has the potential to be serious. Maybe he knows he’s kind of an a--hole when it comes to sex and sexual relationships. Hell, maybe he just knows that women he sleeps with end up not liking him and he doesn’t know why. Or maybe you’re right and it’s just that his kink drives away the majority of women he dates.

But that’s a mighty big “if”, and it requires a whole lot of facts that just aren’t in evidence. That’s one reason why at times like this, it’s important to ask yourself: do you honestly think that it’s just a case of his being ashamed of his kink? Or do you just want this to be true, because you don’t want to let go of the idea that you and he might get together?

When it comes to kink, it’s worth keeping in mind that lots of folks have kinks and fantasies that they don’t entertain outside of the privacy of their own minds. Sometimes that’s because the kink is literally impossible — vore, giantesses, random mythological creatures, etc. Other times it’s because… well, they may like it when it comes to fantasy, but they’d never want to actually do it in real life. Some things are just masturbation fodder, not something they’re aspiring to try. Hell, some folks are squicked out by their own kinks; they’re into it when they’re horny, but as soon as post-orgasm lassitude kicks in, the shame rolls in as the horniness rolls out.

Is there a way to find out if it is an issue of his being into this kink and worrying that it freaks out potential partners? Well, yes… you can bank-shot that conversation, a little. If you have the kind of friendship where you could talk about such things — or you’re willing to be a little “tipsy” and “accidentally” let it slip — you could say that you were doing a little late night erotica browsing on An Archive of Our Own (or what-have-you) and you found a story involving X kink, and had he ever heard of this before? Sure it’s a little outre, but y’know, it doesn’t seem so bad and you might be into that…

And then you can wait and see what he says. Will he admit the truth and say that yes, he’s into it as well? In an infinite universe, it’s certainly possible. Or who knows, maybe he would break down and admit that the reason why he turned you down was because he never thought you’d be into it. Then the two of you can get together and go off into the sunset together having awesome sexual adventures together.

However, the odds are good that he’s not going to suddenly reveal that he’s into this. He’s far more likely to pretend that either he has never heard of this or that he thinks it’s weird; not because he doesn’t like it, but because he doesn’t want YOU to think he’s someone who’s into that. And if he has legitimate shame issues surrounding his kink… well, he’s definitely not going to want his friends thinking that he’s into that.

Of course, all of that is entirely predicated on the idea that the kink is the problem and not that he isn’t into you that way. Or, for that matter, it could be both: he could be worried about his kink turning people off and while he cares for you, he doesn’t like you that way.

But to be perfectly honest, MATHT, my advice is to take his soft no at face value. While the dynamics of a woman being a little more persistent in the face of a rejection from a man is different than it would be if the genders were reversed, it’s still not a great look. The idea that he’s been waiting for someone to make their Insight check and realize that he’s just ashamed of being kinky is a lovely fantasy… but it’s just a fantasy. And if it’s the case that he’s worried about people being turned off about his kink, then he needs to work on learning to accept himself as the kinkster he is before worrying about dating you, specifically.

I think you’re better off letting this one go. You’ve made it clear that you’re interested. If he changes his mind and decides he wants to ask you about his kink, he knows where to find you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m sure that I’m not the only one that’s written in with issues regarding the Cororna-crisis going on across the world right now, but I’ve been trying to come to a conclusion with myself and I’m not entirely certain if I can. Not while the crisis is going on.

I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for almost three years now. We got along really well at first, and because of some life happenings we may have moved much faster than we originally intended. She had her living space essentially sold out from beneath her, moved in with a coworker who then kicked her out, and then I offered her a space with me. That worked out well enough, well enough that when I was offered a job in Silicon Valley I invited her to join me.

She accepted and we seemed to be doing well enough together, but there were already problems, and it feels like COVID has been enhancing those problems dramatically.

I’m 35, cis male, and she’s 28, cis female. However, I’m pretty much asexual. I still troll through Reddit and whatever because I like the… idea… of sex… I guess, the fantasy? But I can quite literally go for months completely content without having any physical interaction with another human, and not really get upset about it. My partner, however, has a normal sex drive. When we do it, she seems to enjoy it quite a bit, and I try to be an active, caring, and attentive lover, but honestly I just don’t really get much from it. Not much more than simple masturbation… possibly less.

When my partner and I first met, she had just come off a fairly major relationship and in her efforts to recover from that relationship, she lost an incredible amount of weight and had been taking serious efforts to take care of herself. It was one of the reasons why I was attracted to her at first. However, since we’ve been together, especially since she moved in with me, the things that I liked about her —  her drive, her “go for it,” attitude, her desire to change herself and bend the world around her — has… slowly died off. She has gained back almost all of the weight that she had lost, she’s disconnected from her business venture that she was heavily involved in when we first met, she’s not doing her art, she doesn’t take proper care of her dog, any number of issues and it’s been progressive. Getting worse and worse as time goes on.

The concern I have is that it may have been me that killed off that part of her. I was in a long-term relationship (almost 10 years) before I met her and we started dating and I was attracted to my now-ex for much the same reasons. She was an artist, going to school, had a strong attitude and opinion about things and had a goal in life. But as time went on through that relationship those goals just kept falling to the side or being slowly strangled away.

Is it me? Am I just… toxic to the people that I get into a relationship with because I’m just attracted to my opposites?

Thank you for all your years of advice Doc,

CoronaValley

DEAR CORONAVALLEY: On the one hand, CV, I’m a believer that when you’re running into the same issues in your relationships, you need to look for the commonalities. And sometimes the only thing all those relationships had in common is, well, you.

On the other hand, I’m also a believer that when you hear hoofbeats, you think “horses”, not “zebra”. And while it’s possible that you are somehow responsible for your past partners losing their drive and goals… it’s probably a good idea to look at other, more likely culprits first.

In the case of your current girlfriend, what you describe sounds a lot like symptoms of depression. People tend to think that depression is “the blues”, where you’re sad and mopey all the time. In reality, depression tends to feel a lot more like just being… numb, and empty. Like everything is pointless and the things that you used to enjoy simply don’t bring you pleasure any more. In fact, one of the most significant indicators of depression is a loss of energy and drive; you don’t really give much of a s--t about anything because it doesn’t matter and it’s just not worth it.

(If you ever want to see one of the best representations of what depression looks like, check out Pixar’s Inside Out. The way Riley acts and behaves when Joy and Sadness f--k off the job is possibly one of the most accurate and realistic depictions of what life with depression is like that I’ve ever seen.)

And in fairness: your girlfriend has been through a lot. Having had one home yanked out from under her, getting kicked out from another living space and the disruptions and stress that come from life under quarantine, especially in an area that’s been hit pretty goddamn hard? Yeah, that’s going to throw even the most well-adjusted person for a loop. So if she was already dealing with depression — and people who seem to be doing great and have their life together can still wrestle with depression — I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if all that kicked her legs out from under her.

At the same time, you don’t give enough information about your previous girlfriend to really say one way or another. It could well be that as time moved on, her priorities changed, she had setbacks that changed her mind or she simply wasn’t able to make those dreams come true and she let them go. Is it possible that you somehow strangled her goals and dreams? F--ked if I know. Did you? Did you discourage her from doing the things she loved, tell her that she needed a backup plan, try to keep her away from the circles of friends who might have encouraged her or helped her pursue those goals? You tell me, hoss; I’m an advice columnist, not an oracle.

One area where you might be an influence is sex. You don’t mention whether your partners know that you’re asexual, which could be an issue. While you’re willing to provide for your partner in bed, if she feels like you’re just going through the motions… that can be a little dehumanizing. Especially if she doesn’t know that your libido is much, much lower than hers. If she feels like you’ve lost attraction to her, or feels like maybe you were never into her in the first place, that can make any feelings of depression worse.

On the other hand, if she knows that you’re functionally ace, but she also knows that while you may not get much from sex, you derive pleasure from pleasing her… that’s a different situation entirely. I may not dig fennel or green peppers, but making an amazing fennel, pepper and garlic stew for my partner would make me happy because of how much she loves it and I like making it for her even if I won’t have any.

But influence isn’t the same as “cause”. It might — and I stress might — be a contributing factor, but it’s not going to be the only factor even if it is. And if it is… well, first you deal with what’s making her miserable, then you work on compromises that work for the both of you.

All that having been said: there are two things that should happen here.

First: you should examine your relationships and how you behave with your partners. If you don’t trust your own judgement, try reaching out to friends whose opinions you trust, friends who know you and your girlfriend (or your ex) and have seen you together. How do they think you behave during relationships? Do they have concerns, or does everything seem ok to them? They may not be able to say definitively — God knows what looks fine and happy to people on the outside may be a goddamn nightmare to the people involved — but they may be able to at least give you some perspective.

Second: you should really encourage your girlfriend to talk to a counselor or therapist. Those changes you describe scream “depression” to me, and that’s not something that gets better on its own. Talking to a therapist can help root out whether this is an emotional or biochemical issue, help her find a course of treatment that will work for her, or possibly even direct her to a psychiatrist if she needs medical assistance. It may take time to find the most effective treatment for her; it may even take a combination of treatments and  therapies. But if this is ongoing and progressive? Then it’s time to get a mental health professional involved, not just a loudmouth with an advice column.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com