DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been talking to a girl from one of my classes for a couple of weeks now, We’ve been getting along great and have a lot in common. After a couple of weeks ago, she wanted to head to this outdoor event being held at my apartment complex.

After the event, she asked if we could head back to my room to charge her phone. We head back to my place and start swapping funny stories when suddenly asks about the sex etiquette my roommates and I had. After this she went on to tell me a couple of stories about almost getting caught having sex. I laughed, added commentary but didn’t add my own funny sex stories (as I have none, only had sex twice) In the end, we just ended up hanging out for a couple of hours, then I saw her off. This happened 2 weeks ago, nothing’s appeared to change in the way we treat each other (nothing awkward), but it feel as though we hangout a little less.

Was I oblivious to a hint?

Does she think I’m not interested? Is this salvageable? How do I get back to that situation?

– Sexless In Seattle

DEAR SEXLESS IN SEATTLE: Let me tell you a story from the long-long ago.

There was a point during college where I was working (very, very briefly) as a cartoonist for the school paper. It didn’t last very long because, frankly, I wasn’t that good. But that’s beside the point. The newspaper office was in the basement of my dorm. One night, this one girl I’d talk to occasionally and thought was pretty cute came down while I was working and hung out while I was putting the finishing touches on that week’s drawing. She saw that the illustration I was working on was manga-styled and wanted to know if I liked anime. I did and as we were talking she mentioned that she enjoyed Japanese movies and she had this animated horror movie she was afraid to watch alone. Maybe I’d like to come watch it with her. In her room. Alone. Just the two of us.

At the time I hadn’t realized that women are socialized to be indirect, especially when it comes to sex. I also didn’t realize that it was possible for women to find me attractive at all. As a result: said “sounds cool, but my deadline’s tomorrow, so I need to finish this.”

(For the record: the “horror” movie she was talking about was a fairly infamous porno…)

It took me half a damn year to realize that she was basically saying “Would you like to come back to my place for a hot cup of F--K MY BRAINS OUT?”

I bring this up because… well, it sounds like you were in the same situation.

Your friend wanted to come back to your room with you. Alone. She wanted to talk about sex. She wanted to talk about her having sex. She was making sure that the image of her having sex was going to be implanted in your brain. She wanted to know what your etiquette was for keeping your roommate out should it turn out to be business time.

It’s entirely possible that she was just enjoying talking about sex. Lots of folks do that. But I’m willing to bet a not insignificant amount of money that she was hoping you were going to take the damn hint and make a move already.

You didn’t, which tells her either a) you missed the hint or b) you deliberately ignored the hint. Either way, you told her you weren’t interested and in all likelihood she’s moved on from the idea.

Could it be salvaged? Theoretically. The next time you two are hanging out, you can make a point to be a little flirtier, to give a bit more of a sexual edge to your banter with her, to make more appreciative comments if/when she tells other stories about how she likes to get wild. Yeah, you may have missed THAT opportunity, but nothing says you can’t ping her to see if there’s still interest.

But to be perfectly honest, the odds are against you. From her end, it’s gonna feel like either you missed things entirely and she feels embarrassed — which happens — or she thinks you just don’t like her like that. Either way, it’s much more likely that the moment has passed and she thinks of you more as a friend than a potential play partner.

Which, hey, sucks. But at least this time you know what to look for the next time around.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A bit of an odd question, but a lot of people tell me that finding a job is a lot like dating. Right now, i’m putting my dating life on hold while I scramble to find a job that makes use of my MS in Physics. It has been, in a word, depressing. I’ve made multiple resumes, I network though LinkedIn and at job fairs and parties, I try out any career advice I come across online just to see if a change in attack has any impact, but I haven’t had a proper interview with a company in 6 months. I do work part rime right now as a tutor, but it’s not enough to pay the bills and i’m starting to get pretty anxious over the situation. Do you by chance in your infinite bag of dating wisdom have some advice for job seekers?

Thanks,

Job First, Date Later

DEAR JOB FIRST, DATE LATER: Straight talk my dude: my career path is anything but typical or traditional, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. But there’s one universal truth about dealing with other people, whether you’re hoping to date them or get hired by them: they need to like you. Being likable is going to serve you far better than being skilled; we do more for people we like, we want to spend more time with them and likable people do better at work. They’re better at working with others, they build more connections that lead to more opportunities and leads.

The other benefit to being more likable is that it means you’re going to make more social connections. The cliche of “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know” is 100% true. The more people you connect with increases the number of people who will think of you when there’s an opening at their job or who’ll mention you to other people in their social circles who might be looking for someone with your qualifications. So while LinkedIn is good, you’ll do even better to focus on networking in person. The more you can connect with people on a personal level, the better your odds of getting that job. 

Being good on paper doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to fit in at the job. Click with the person conducting your interview, on the other hand, and they’ll be much more likely to see your potential even if you’re not a perfect match.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 24 year old male from an expat family who moved to the Bay Area about three years ago from SE Asia and am now attending college as an undergrad.

American dating has mostly been an exercise in frustration for me, with success sprinkled here and there in the form of one off dates and even a three month mini-relationship. I could take you and the reader through the ups and downs of these various meetings but I want to avoid ossifying the entire Dr. NL readership so I’ll abstain. In any case, it’s the most recent girl I’ve been interested in that will be the focus of this letter.

I’ve been talking to (hanging out with, dating, labels are real fluid here) a cute, bright, driven 21 year old girl from one of my classes for the past week and a bit. We had talked before last semester but this is the first time we’ve really interacted on a personal level. We haven’t slept together, though we have made out, and it’s the issues surrounding this tension that I’d like to explore. See Doc, I think I’m what they call a square. I’ve always felt like a middle aged man trapped inside a young body; everything from my word choice to the way I dress makes me feel really out of touch with my class mates. This girl had to tell me what snapchat was and how to use it, and I’ve never felt older in my life. Another example was how I offered to walk her back to her flat (apartment) and she sarcastically quipped about what a gentleman I was. Do people not do this anymore?

The girl I’ve been seeing has never gone more than a fortnight without intimacy, and she’s been a pretty dedicated serial monogamist for a long time. Contrast this with a serious dearth of any activity on my part for the better portion of two years, and we have an issue. She is also into some kink and rough sex (choking, hitting, hair pulling, even to the point of bruising apparently), while I’ve had a very vanilla sexual history and I’m very slow and tender in bed (read, boring). It’s not that I have a fragile male ego that is threatened by her experience, on the contrary, I find it exciting and attractive.

The problem is she tends to point out and tease my squareness, and this makes me nervous around her, and of course that doesn’t make for comfortable making out. When we were kissing recently, she said I thought too much about the act and that I treated her like a china doll, and that she was into rough play. Of course upon hearing this, I got hella (new word I learned) nervous, and if anything became more incompetent. Another part of the equation is that she has had a string of fairly toxic and abusive relationships, and she tells me she doesn’t want to rush into something she’ll regret with me, ergo, no sleeping together until she feels comfortable with it.

So what we have is a situation where she’s hinting at me to be more masculine, more direct, and yet we’re holding off on sex. Now I absolutely don’t mind holding off on sex, but when it does happen, I’m really worried I’m going to disappoint her, and the longer we go without trying it and defusing the tension, the bigger the disappointment is going to be for her. I know good sex is about communication, but do you think this situation is resolvable? I’d like to add that I’m perfectly ok with changing my sexual style – I just don’t know whether I’ll be able to overcome that inculcated aversion to striking someone else, especially a woman.

I’ve never really though of myself as a prude until now. Am I, Doc? I know we have a sex positive feminist readership here, so I’m leaning towards the yes. I’d really like to expand my sexual horizons, I’m just horribly anxious about it and I feel like if it turns out to be a bad sexual experience and she calls the relationship, it will reinforce deeply held beliefs of mine about not being masculine enough.

Apologies for the wall of text, and I hope everyone who suffered through that has a good day.

– A Square in SF

DEAR A SQUARE IN SF: think the biggest problem here, ASSF, is that you keep describing yourself as being a loser and a square because… well, I’m not entirely sure. OK, so you haven’t had much sexual experience and you’re not terribly kinky. That’s not a bad thing, that’s not a good thing, that’s just how you roll. The fact that you’re framing these as a negative is causing more issues than the fact that you’re fairly vanilla; you’re setting yourself up to be uncomfortable and awkward because you think that you’re somehow deficient and inferior to someone who’s had more and/or different sex than you.

(Incidentally, I really dislike using “vanilla” to describe standard or non-kinky sex or people. Unfortunately, I have yet to find a good replacement for it. Anyone who has a suggestion for a different word is welcome to send them in to doc@doctornerdlove.com)

This actually gets into a common misconception people have when it comes to the topic of sex positivity; they assume that sex positivity is all about letting your freak flag fly and being into all kinds of outré and exotic kink and that people who aren’t into it are being sex negative. This isn’t true – sex positivity is about everyone being cool with what they’re into or not into, as long as it’s safe, sane and consensual. You’re straight vanilla? Awesome. You’re into being blindfolded and suspended from the ceiling by your nipples? Well, hope you’ve got safety measures built in, but ok cool, you do you. You’ve slept with a hundred people? Cool, high five! You’re a virgin? Cool, high five for you too!

But I digress…

The issue you’re having is primarily in your head; you’re so hung up on whether or not you CAN please this woman that you’re not giving yourself the chance to TRY. From everything you’ve said, she’s telling you how she wants you to kiss her – to be more aggressive and rougher. Now, if that’s just not your thing, then more power to you; odds are that the two of you aren’t going to be sexually compatible and you can just peace-out. But if it’s something you’re willing to give a shot… well, why aren’t you giving it a shot? She’s given you the green light. Are you afraid of not doing it perfectly off the bat? OK, I get that. Thing is, you don’t need to be perfect. The first time you have sex with someone isn’t a pass/fail audition that’s going to end the relationship if you don’t get it precisely right, especially if the two of you have been dating for a while before you sleep together. The first time with anyone is going to be awkward to one degree or another and 99.999% of adults understand that. Everyone has their patterns, their likes and dislikes that it takes a bit of practice to get your respective styles to mesh. Sometimes you synch up right off the bat because you’re pretty similar. Sometimes it takes a time or two and some awkward giggling to get things right. That’s not a flaw in somebody’s technique, that’s just sex. 

Your aversion to hitting someone is admirable, but as with most things in life, it requires context. You’re not striking a woman in anger, you’re being ASKED by someone to spank her and pull her hair because she gets off on it. It’s a very different situation.

(Choking is another matter, mostly because choking and breath play is INCREDIBLY GODDAMN DANGEROUS. That’s not varsity level sex, that’s a couple levels above varsity.)

So, how do you resolve this? Well, you use your words. You’ve not done anything like this before, so TELL her. Ask her what she wants you to do and then do it. She wants you to bite her? Cool, where? How hard? Done right, it’s a fun, sexy game; all you need is an open mind and a can-do attitude and a willingness to push your own envelope a little. If it works, then you’ve opened a new avenue for yourself – enjoy this sexual adventure. If it doesn’t work, then all that’s happened is that you’ve learned something about what you are and aren’t into and the people you’re compatible with. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad or boring or “unmasculine” (for bulls--t definitions of masculine), you just didn’t click with this person, which happens.

The only thing I would be careful about is how she treats your inexperience. You say that she teases you about being a “square”. As long as this is affectionate teasing, all is well; if she’s being mean about it or implying you’re a bad person for not being into the same things she’s into? That’s not cool and a pretty reliable sign that you should find someone who’s not an asshole about sex.

But in the meantime: use your words and take some risks. Ask her what she wants, to give you some pointers and try getting a little wilder.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am in my early 50s and married. When I was 21, I saw a woman in a bar in New York and it was love at first sight. She blew me off that night. A year later I saw her in my hometown! I got to know her sister (who was not single) and we became friends. When I got to know my crush better, I found out that she was a remarkable woman, the smartest and wittiest woman I ever met (she later got an Ivy League PhD, so this is a legitimate statement). I wasn’t just smitten by her style, I was smitten by her intelligence. I was once an extreme nerd, so while we were friends, and there was a huge spark, she kept the flirtation going, but would not let it get physical. She married her boyfriend and when she had a baby, I decided to become serious with my girlfriend and got married myself.

At age 40 we reconnected online as long distance, only this time the sparks flew faster and hotter than anything I experienced in my life. She was literally “love bombing” me with compliments. We were both married, so we didn’t know how to handle this. She sent me over 500 emails that first year; it was a very serious flirtation, but she never let us get physical as long as she was married. The day she announced her divorce, I expressed my love for her and she told me it was too soon, but to keep doing everything the same for the next year.

Several months later things were getting weird. She introduced me to her parents and her kids, but she didn’t want us to get caught, so she wanted my wife there too. I begged to see her again, and this time she announced she had a new boyfriend — a complete disaster with multiple suicide attempts and arrests for violence. I was destroyed, completely and utterly destroyed. After quarreling for several weeks we decided to give our relationship a break for a year. Mind you, I was married, and she had a public boyfriend. After that year break, she denied we ever had a relationship. I was being gaslighted. I was hurt, confused, but still very much in love with the only woman who could touch my heart a certain way, and so every 1-2 months or so would send her an interesting email about our mutual friends. She would respond to many of them, but not all.

5 and 6 years after our “break up” she sent me two truly beautiful emails that left me with tears in my eyes, emails so beautiful that I felt buoyant for months. At that point, even though she’d been with her boyfriend for several years, it became clear to me that she was the only woman in the world who could really understanding me. She knew me, really knew what made me tick, and no other woman ever cared- not even my wife. You have to understand, she told me things more beautiful than any human being ever told me in my entire life. She helped me get through my father’s death in ways no other person did.

Years 7 and 8, I kept sending her emails, but she never wrote back. At Christmas in Year 8, I told her I couldn’t let myself look like I was obsessed, and that if she wanted to talk to me, she needed to just email me back. She never did. That was last year.

I can’t let go. I have never driven up to see her, I don’t compulsively send her emails, I have total control over my over actions. But inside my heart is filled with love for her and who she was from 2009-2017 and how she made me feel. Every day I wish we were together. I’m not an easy person to get to know or to understand. I’m a nerd. I met this person who was so special to me that I would have divorced my wife and left my kids to be with her. I am baffled why she would have seduced me and brought me to that decision and then once she had won my heart, gaslighted me.

I once had a therapist who told me that she was submissive and wanted a man to force her to cheat on her husband but when she and I got hot, I was too nice, too much of a boy scout and too nerdy for her to cheat on her husband with, so she chose this disgusting, dirty, violent individual to have a rebound relationship. But that she couldn’t officially let go of me because she was in love with me. This idea that I represented this honorable boy scout figure, someone she wanted to be the step-father of her kids, but not someone she found sexy.

But that’s the closest I’ve come to understanding what happened I need to be with her or I need closure.

Help.

This Is My Obsession

DEAR THIS IS MY OBSESSION: OK, I’m gonna be honest here. My initial reaction is “what the actual F--K is up with your therapist??” Because all of that? Not actually helpful. I’m pretty damn sure it’s also not true, but holy hopping sheep s--t, none of that’s useful or helpful for your recovery.

But instead, let’s talk earworms. You know: those moments when you get a song, especially a snippit of a song stuck in your head and you can’t dislodge it, no matter how hard you try. One of the reasons why earworms get stuck in our heads is because it’s an open loop. We’ve heard or remembered some piece of it — usually the hook, or some catchy part — but not the whole thing. Because we’ve only got that little piece of the song, it just goes around and around in our brains. Closing that loop — listening to the entire song — is one of the most effective ways of getting rid of an earworm.

So it is with relationships, especially ones that never actually happened. The reason why you can’t get over her is because, perversely, nothing ever actually happened between the two of you. This was a relationship in potentia, one that could be anything precisely because it never happened. That’s why you’re suffering. You’ve got a case of Oneitis. You’ve built this woman up so she’s no longer a person of flesh and blood, but a fantasy, and you’ve convinced yourself that she was perfect and the only person who could ever understand you. And the only reason why you can believe that is because… well, because you never got together at all. You never had to deal with the reality of her or dating her (or leaving your wife and kids for her).

Since the two of you never actually got together beyond flirting, this relationship can be anything you want it to be. It can be perfect because you’ve never had to deal with the reality of being with her. So no matter what is going on in your life, what your ideal relationship would be or look like, this fantasy relationship with your crush can shift and change right along with it. As a result: you have this eternally “perfect” relationship that seems to have forever been just out of your reach.

If you’d actually dated her… well, it’s impossible to say. Maybe you would’ve left your wife, married your crush and sailed off into the sunset together. Or maybe you would have had a brief fling, realized that you couldn’t make a relationship work and broken up. Or a combination of the two: you divorce your wife, marry her, only to have the cycle repeat down the line and you or she leaves for someone else. But regardless: it wouldn’t have been this vision of “perfection” that you’ve been holding onto for all this time.

But here’s the thing: this relationship was never actually going to happen. I don’t think she was a “submissive who wanted you to force her to cheat on her husband.”

(Seriously, WHAT THE F--K, yo?)

I think she was someone who enjoyed the attention you gave her, may even have liked you as a friend… but she was never actually attracted to you. Not in the way that you wanted her to be, certainly. Because here’s the thing: the people who want you and want to be with you? They’ll be with you. The idea of “Oh, I love you too much, but I can’t have you” is the stuff of bad fiction. It may take time before circumstances are right — or at least, less wrong — but people who’re genuinely into you aren’t going to string you along forever until telling you to piss off.

I’m gonna be honest here, my dude: her behavior sounds like someone who wanted attention and to be desired… especially if her marriage at the time was less than stellar. A “lover” who doesn’t pose an actual threat to the relationship but will give her all the thrill of being wanted or lusted after can be a hell of a thing. But once she was divorced and that barrier between you was removed? Well… she didn’t want anything more than the fantasy. Hence: keeping you at a distance, until she ended up with a new boyfriend, walking disaster or not.

(And, completely unrelated: yeah, telling someone how much you love them right when their divorce is finalized is too soon. Even someone who’s long over that marriage is gonna want to give themselves some time instead of rushing into something new.)

The reason why she denied you two had a relationship? That, I strongly suspect, comes down to the two of you having very different views of how things were between you, mixed in with the fact that you never took “I’m married/ you’re married/ I’m dating someone else now” as an answer. By the time y’all took that “break”, it was pretty clear that you were way the f--k more invested in this than she was and she was likely getting to the point of trying to dial things back. By the point that she wasn’t responding at all? That was your sign that it was over. Holding on for three more years was honestly, just torturing yourself for no good reason.

Now I know all of this hurts, and I’m not saying it to be cruel. I’m saying it so that you understand that what you’re mourning is a fantasy. What you had was much more complicated, much more nuanced and far, far less perfect. The reason you can’t let go is because you’re still experiencing it as the fantasy, which is what’s giving you that open loop, that earworm. Recognizing the relationship for what it was will help you close the loop and let it go. 

But to do that, you need to forgive yourself. Part of seeing the relationship for what it actually was is going to leave you feeling like a fool or an idiot. You aren’t, and you weren’t. What you were — and still are — is someone who loved not too wisely, but too well. Forgive yourself for being a fool for love, like so many of us are. Forgive yourself for giving so much of yourself to someone who wouldn’t give back. And forgive yourself for the time you spent on your crush — time that took you away from your family.

And while you’re at it? It’s time to make things right with your wife and kids. Let’s be honest here: you were neglecting them for your Oneitis, taking time and love away from them to throw down the hole of this fantasy. That’s a cruel thing to do to people who love you. It would have honestly been kinder to get a divorce, even if you didn’t immediately leap into something with your crush. At least then your family could’ve gotten closure on their end.

What does making things right mean? That’s up to you. Maybe it means redoubling on your relationship with them and being the husband and father you should’ve been. Maybe it means actually leaving, so that things aren’t prolonged any further. But you have a much bigger obligation to them than you do to the memory of the one that didn’t just get away, but was never going to happen in the first place.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com