DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need some advice, um obviously. It’s like this. I have recently started dating again, for the first time in two years. And I’ve so far gone the route of dating apps.

I met a man for a first date the other day (actually my first date in two years) and we had a connection which led to some making out and me staying at his, no sex though. I tried to be clear about not wanting to be in a relationship again right now and about talking to other guys on OKCupid, but he kept pushing me. Wanting me to say that I wouldn’t meet the other guys or that I would only have sex with him if we had sex, and that we would have sex. The weird thing is that I am pretty inexperienced, 4 partners total, and so it is really unlikely that I’m going to just go out and have a bunch of sex with anyone right away. I guess looking back there was a lot of weird boundary pushing after getting back to his place. 

So before we left the pub I agreed to a second date. And then all the stuff in the above paragraph happened and I felt like maybe I didn’t want a second date after all. He kept bringing up sex and it turns out he’s kinky, which is 100% fine, but I’m not kinky, like at all, and it just seemed like the more we talked about that the more I realized we were not at all compatible. But I still didn’t back out of the second date.

To be honest I didn’t feel like I could say no to a second date in person because I felt like there would be a lot of push back. And boy was there. He called me that day and texted me a couple of times trying to set up another date that night, but I had already told him, when we were trying to arrange the first date that I had a lot of work, which is true, so I couldn’t squeeze it in anyway. 

When I finally just told him I wasn’t up for a second date anymore I got a lot of questions texted back to me. I know I should have told him right away, but I guess I kept thinking that I was changing my mind too fast, that I wasn’t giving him a fair chance. But I can’t invent compatibility so I did tell him about 24 hours after the end of our first date that I couldn’t go out again.

So my question is really this: what do I do about these texts? The first one asks why I changed my mind, the second one asks what if it wasn’t a date and the third one says that he’s not really that surprised, that I was very clear about “wanting to meet others.” I haven’t responded to any of these messages because I don’t think he’s going to listen no matter what I say. So is that the right thing to do or was there something I should have said? And at what point should I have known that I didn’t want to see him again? I mean I don’t think I’ll go back to someone’s place again, but should I not kiss them either? I feel like it might have been the making out that made him attach himself to me so fast.

Anyway, any advice you have would be great.

Thanks,

Re-Dating

DEAR RE-DATING: Hey, Re-Dating? I hope you can forgive me, because I’ve got something of a larger point to make about socialization and I’m about to use you as an example. I promise we’re going to get back to your question, just stick with me for a minute.

Guys, whenever I talk about how women are socialized to put others’ needs – especially men’s – over their own? This is an example of what I’m talking about. RD goes out with a guy who gets insanely clingy after just one date, who’s ignoring her boundaries, and is insisting that she justify why she won’t go out with him again… and she’s wondering what SHE did wrong. She’s wondering how SHE led HIM on, as though she’s somehow responsible for his issues or his responses.

And people wonder why I’m so down on rigid gender roles.

RD, here’s the thing you need to understand: you didn’t do anything wrong. Making out with a dude on the first date? Totally kosher. Going back to his place: also cool, assuming you’re into it, you’ve got decent Spidey-sense and he’s not giving you the creeper vibes. Establishing that you’re just looking to date? Go you, you know what you want and you’re not just leaping into the first potential relationship that comes along. Decided that you don’t want a second date? Again, you’re doing great; agreeing to a second date isn’t a binding contract or a blood-oath. You’re not required to go on a date against your will. Cancel the date with as much lead-time as possible, if at all possible, and be polite about it.

(Guys: this goes for you too.)

But here’s the thing: THOSE are all your responsibilities. You’re not responsible for how he responds or how quickly he decides he’s gotten attached to you, nor do you owe him an explanation for why you don’t want to see him again. And, quite frankly, the “I don’t want to” is the ONLY reason you need. If you aren’t feeling it or you’ve changed your mind, that’s a perfectly legitimate reason to decide to cancel. You don’t need to provide a thesis as to why, you don’t need to run your explanation before the High Council of Dating. You just have to decide that nah, you’re not interested in seeing him again.

(And again: guys, this also applies to you.)

From everything you’ve said, you were up-front about what you had to offer, what you were up for and what your availability would be. Meanwhile, lover-boy… whooo, man, he takes the taco. During your first date he’s pushing for exclusivity and demanding that you promise that you’re going to f

k him. I realize you’ve been off the dating market for a while but that behavior? So very not cool. He was waving more red flags than a military parade in Tiananmen Square. At the most generous reading, he’s showing insanely low emotional and social intelligence and has a hard time respecting boundaries and understanding social mores, which means he’s not exactly dating material to start with. At worst… well, frankly, pushing for exclusivity that quickly is often a sign of a potential abuser; they’re trying to lock you into a relationship before you have time to recognize that something might be wrong.

Right now though, you’re letting the bulls

t conditioning that says women are somehow responsible for managing men’s emotional lives tell you that you’re at fault for his s

tty behavior. You are not. You didn’t lead him on. You weren’t giving mixed signals. You didn’t “move too fast” or “take too long” to change your mind about how you felt. The problem was there’s something wrong with HIM.

So here’s what you do now: you block his number and you forget about him. He’s a s

tty date that you’ll laugh about later with your friends over drinks when you’re swapping horror stories. As for your next dates… you do what feels right to you and at a pace you’re comfortable with. If you’d rather not go back to somebody’s place on a first date, I could hardly blame you after this experience; I could totally understand wanting to take a bit more time to be sure that you trust them and that there’s some genuine chemistry and compatibility there. Somebody who’s worth dating is going to respect your boundaries and limits. Someone who’s not on the same page as you – but is emotionally healthy and socially intelligent – will move on to find somebody else, not push and push and push at you to get what he wants.

But you need to keep in mind: YOU are not responsible for how THEY respond. If they get weird, that’s their problem, not yours.

Good luck, RD. There’re better guys out there than that.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a dude.

I fell for my friends girlfriend.

She fell for me.

They broke up after 4 year relationship.

She’s a neurotic type, feeling like the whole world depends on her (I think I like her because we are so much alike). She wants me, she says I’m the only person that makes her happy, but she’s not ready yet to engage in such a relationship. After she had broken up with him, she’s been drinking and partying, as a way to forget, I guess. 

The only thing that comes to my mind is simply: wait. But I cannot be her friend, nor I think should I be her friend (especially since we both like each other, it seems like a cheat). Is waiting the best option or should I do something?

— My Best Friend’s Girlfriend

DEAR MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRLFRIEND: There are a couple things to keep in mind.

First of all, she just got out of a four year relationship. That alone means she’s probably going to need some time to adjust to the end of the relationship. Even in an ugly, unpleasant break-up, it takes time to not just process your feelings, but to start getting used to being single and NOT having that person in your life any more. So that alone is going to slow things down between the two of you.

But your relationship to her ex adds another wrinkle. Because you were her boyfriend’s best friend, she may well feel awkward about using you as a landing pad after ejecting. If she’s still interested in something with you, then she may want to give it time, if only so it doesn’t look like she was cheating, or to make things awkward between you and your best friend. So, you may well be in for a long haul if you’re waiting for her to get over things.

But to be perfectly honest…

The old saying “deeds, not words” applies here, and her actions here are not necessarily the actions of a woman who’s fallen for you and left a relationship because of you. She may say that she wants you and that you’re the only person who makes her happy, but the way she’s acting says “I’m out of a long-term relationship and by God I’m going to celebrate my newfound freedom!”

Could it be that what she’s actually doing is acting out as a form of handling the aftermath of an ugly break-up? I mean… sure, that’s not entirely outside of the realm of possibility. But that strikes me as being more motivated reasoning on your part, rather than her dealing with complicated feelings before she decides to get into another committed relationship.

You need to ask yourself some hard questions: Did she really fall for you, or was this the thrill of the novel and different? Or, for that matter, is it possible that you provided a convenient excuse to exit a relationship that was already on its downward spiral?

Is she really not ready for another relationship or is she giving you a soft “no”? And if she does just need time to sort things out, you need to ask yourself just how long are you willing to put your life on hold while you wait for her?

Once you have some answers to these questions, you may want to talk to her. Explain to her how you feel, and tell her that you’d appreciate an idea of where the two of you stand. How long does she expect you to wait for her, especially while she’s out drinking and partying. If it really is the case that she wants to date you, but she’s not ready yet, then you’d appreciate a little reassurance, and maybe an idea of when she thinks she might be ready to pursue something with you. If it’s not… well, you’d really appreciate it if she told you, because otherwise it’s not really fair to either of you.

And after you two have that potentially awkward conversation, you need to be willing to walk away. Waiting around in hopes that she’ll eventually change her mind doesn’t do you any good; all it does is waste your time and potentially alienate any future friendship the two of you could have.

It may well be that her attraction to you was just a momentary infatuation, born out of the moment when you were forbidden fruit. Or it could well be that her grieving and adjustment period will be longer than you’re willing to wait. In that case, you’re well within your rights to move on; nobody says you resign yourself to being single until someone else is ready to date.

Or it could be that the prospect of losing you as well will snap her out of it and finally make up her mind.

But none of that can happen until the two of you actually talk things out.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a freshman in college and thanks to the advice given to me by basically everyone, I found a girl who was gorgeous and seemed my type and started a conversation.

Things went pretty well from there, I hung out in her room for several hours at a time every other day or so as we talked about various things, until the time came to actually ask her out, about a week after we’d met and a total of around 10 hours hanging out in her room talking.  

I started out by simply asking her if she had a boyfriend, and she responded with “no, I do not” and left it at that as we went to her room to hang out.  An hour or so later, when I was about to leave, I mustered the courage to actually ask her out, and a vague transcript would be something like this (some probable inaccuracies given my mental state at the time, but I think it’s pretty close):

Me: I was wondering if you’d like to go an an actual date sometime.

Her: No, I mean, I have no idea how to date and barely know how to hang out.

Me: Would you be willing to at least give it a try?

Her: No (some other words followed, nothing nasty, but I can’t fully recall them).

Since then, we’ve hung out a few times and have gone to lunch and dinner with and without her roommate/friend, and I haven’t mentioned dating since then. I’m very bad at interpreting body language and can’t give any reliable information on that regard, but I was wondering if there would be any way to salvage the situation or if the most I can realistically hope for is having her as a friend (wouldn’t be a bad option, she’s an amazing person and just being around her is fun, but I’d like more).

- First Impression, Second Chance

DEAR FIRST IMPRESSION, SECOND CHANCE: You made a couple fairly common mistakes, FISC.

First and foremost: you did the classic “Let’s go do something, sometime” line. This is something I see folks do all the time and it drives me up a wall.

To start with, it’s pretty wishy-washy. Most of the time, when I see people use some variation of that line — usually “let’s hang out” or “get together sometime” — it’s because they don’t fully want to commit to the idea of actually asking someone out on a date. It’s Schrodinger’s Date, where you are both on and are not on a date, and you won’t know until it seems like it’s going well enough that you can risk collapsing the quantum wave and calling it a date after the fact.

Not only is that lack of confidence or assertiveness not terribly attractive, but trying to surf the ambiguity wave of “is this a date? Is it not a date?” is kinda s

tty to do to someone, especially if THEY think they’re just hanging with a friend, only to find out hey, guess what? It’s a date! Surprise!

But just as importantly, it’s so vague and unspecific as to be meaningless. Now, you get points for actually using the word “date”… but you still left it undefined. Many times, it just serves to put the onus on suggesting an idea and a time on the person you’re asking out.

So next time, don’t ask for “a date, some time”. Have a specific activity and a specific time in mind. For example, you could ask: “Hey, how do you feel about cocktails and pinball? There’s an amazing arcade that has a full bar and craft cocktails, and I’d love to take you. How does Saturday work for you?”

Alternately, you could propose the activity, but give a range of times where you’re available, so that she has a little more flexibility in terms of days. “I’m free this Friday and next Saturday; how about you?”

Your other mistake is that you’re missing that she gave you a soft “no” — a way of turning you down without actually saying “no, thanks”. While it’d be great if more women felt safe and secure to say “no” directly, not only are women still taught that saying “no” straight up is rude, but many, MANY women have experienced dudes freaking out at them when they’ve said “I’m not interested, thanks”. A soft no, with a plausible excuse why it can’t happen, is a way of staying safe.

Now, the fact that you and she still hang out on occasion is a good sign; it’s an indication that you’re on friendly terms. However, unless she specifically indicates that she’s changed her mind — and I mean telling you directly, not through your trying to read the tea leaves — you should accept that you and she are friends, not potential lovers, and you should look elsewhere to find a date.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 25 year old woman with a slight problem… I think.

You see, pretty much my whole life, I’ve only seemed to be able to become interested in girls I’ve been friends with for a while. By a while I mean a few months to a year. I’ve only been in 3 relationships of any length and that’s only because the friends I was interested in made the first move in those cases. So far, I’ve only had one friend react horribly to me voicing my feelings but one was enough to make me afraid to do it again.

I’ve tried online dating not because I felt like “I need a girlfriend so let me jump on OkCupid for a bit.” (I’ve never felt the “need a girlfriend” thing as in “I have a girlfriend shaped space in my life that I’m taking auditions for” sort of thing. I’m either interested in someone or I’m not, which in a way might be part of the issue.) but more as a prophylactic against having to deal with a friend-crush yet again. Each attempt was disappointing. I kept being torn between (a) trying to go on more dates with a cool-seeming girl in hopes that maybe at some point I might feel something and possibly stringing them along in the process or (b)drop the cool-seeming girl I’m not really feeling any attraction to and try to find someone elseI might feel that spark more quickly with which I inevitably won’t and end up considering repeating (a) in the process.

Even people I’ve known for not long enough who show interest in me don’t seem to have an effect. One girl I met about 8 months ago started showing some signs and I wasn’t feeling it. After about 3-4 months she stopped and then 4 months later BOOM, guess who’s interested? ME of course!

But my question isn’t so much about how to find a girlfriend (though feel free to tack that on if you’ve got it, Doc.) but rather, how do you go through life knowing you’ll be in this situation over and over again with the scary-as-hell specter of Nice Guys/Girls and backdoor friendship gambits? I really do care about the friends I have (especially since I warm up to friends very slowly too) and I don’t want any of them to have to worry about why I became friends with them in the first place or to have to inventory every nice thing I’ve done for them to check it for traces of slime.

Is there any sort of heads-up I can give new of existing friends that says “Hey, I’m not a cowardly backdoor-ing friendship-swindler. This is just how I’m wired to the best of my knowledge.”? Is there any way I can somehow generate interest in someone who isn’t quite doing it for me yet so I can actually “strike while the iron is hot” as the advice normally goes?

Any help is very much appreciated.

Sincerely,

I Don’t Wanna Date in Vain

DEAR I DON’T WANNA DATE IN VAIN: There’s actually a term for people who have the attraction pattern that you have, IDWDIV: it’s called “demisexuality.”

Just as sexual orientation falls on a spectrum, sexual desire and attraction patterns also fall along a spectrum. Some people have the more common pattern of attraction (they feel sexual desire easily, often for many people, without needing a strong emotional connection) on one end, while some can take or leave sex and some at the far end may feel no sexual desire whatsoever. Demisexuality is a part of that spectrum; it means that you develop sexual attraction for somebody when you start to form an emotional connection or feel emotional intimacy with somebody. The sexual attraction tends to be developed over time as you get to know them and create those emotionally intimate bonds. While the term is relatively new, more and more people are starting to recognize that it’s how they’re wired.

I’d recommend checking out the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network at asexuality.org, which can provide a whole host of resources about asexuality and demisexuality, as well help connect you with communities of people who have similar experiences. This can help you learn more and help you realize that you’re not unusual — or that you can’t date or find people who will want to date you.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to date at your own pace, whether you want to try dating someone you may not feel strongly for yet, or whether you want to wait until you actually do have feelings for them.

And it’s totally fine to go on a date or two to decide if someone seems like they might be somebody you COULD grow to care for. You don’t need – nor are you generally expected to – to be in love within three dates. It’s OK to date people you generally like and enjoy spending time with, even if you’re not feeling the hearts and cartoon birds feelings yet. Just be upfront with them that you take time to really connect with someone. Let them know that this is how you work and give them the option to decide whether that’s something they’d want to opt-in for.

As for platonic friends you get crushes on: it’s cool. Crushes happen. The problem with the Platonic Best Friend Backdoor Gambit is when you’re not genuinely friends with them and are only waiting for that moment of weakness you can exploit. You can have a crush on someone without needing to do something about it. You’re welcome to just enjoy that feeling without taking it as an imperative to turn it into something more.

The difference between someone who’s trying to Nice Guy or Nice Girl their way into somebody’s pants is that they are deceiving the person they supposedly care for. They’re friends under false pretenses, trying to use their platonic relationship as a way to sneak themselves into a sexual or romantic one.

That’s vastly different from genuinely being friends with someone and developing feelings; this happens all the time.

The way that you avoid people thinking that you’re just trying to backdoor your way into their heart and/or their pants is to live with integrity. Being honest and living and behaving in the ways that align with your values demonstrates to others that it’s not that your friendship comes with an agenda, it’s that they’re an awesome person that you care for, and your feelings have evolved from friendship to romantic.

If you’re not trying to force a friendship into a relationship, then odds are nobody will really make a fuss about it or throw accusations of your trying to Nice Girl your way into their pants. If it becomes an issue: again, just be up front. Take ownership of it: “hey, listen, I think you’re really cool and I’ve sorta developed this crush on you. It’s not a big deal, it’s not something you need to respond to and I really enjoy being your friend. It’s just something that happens to me on occasion.”

They’ll take their lead from you: if you don’t treat it as something shameful or awkward, then they won’t treat it that way either.

But then again: you may also find that they’ve developed feelings of their own.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Why does seem not ok to reject a girl’s offer of friendship after a failed romantic gesture? 

I don’t mean forcing a woman into a romantic situation but rather saying, “No, I really don’t want to have a friendship with you. I respect your decision not be romantic but I don’t think that friendship would be a good for me.” I’ve tried to explain that I don’t feel we’re entering on equal grounds into the friendship, that the woman is dictating the terms of the friendship. Moreover, that in order to not cross her boundaries I have to become emotionally and sexually repressive, which leads to being emotionally cut to the other person and to waves of frustration.

In addition, I’m an Asian male so the playing the friend role makes me feel like I’m living in a cultural stereotype.

Yet, consistently, I’ve been told that I’m being unfair or that I’m obligating them into a romantic situation. I feel like I’ve become the bad guy in a way I don’t understand. By not accepting their offer of friendship, I’ve pressured them into a role they don’t want to play. So the reverse happens, I am now pressured into a role I don’t want to play or feel is demeaning to my person. I feel I’ve become morally obligated to be repressed, that I have to willing acknowledge that what I want doesn’t matter.

Trying to Avoid The Friend Zone

DEAR TRYING TO AVOID THE FRIEND ZONE: Just as someone isn’t required to date you, you’re not required to be their friend if that’s not what you’re looking for. The only thing is to be upfront without being rude.

I suspect that there are lines of communication being crossed here, TATFZ. If you’re presenting it the way you say: that you think they’re an awesome person, but you don’t think you could be their friend in good faith and so you’re pulling back, then it really shouldn’t be an issue. You’re being upfront and sincere and hopefully not giving the impression that you think that friendship with them is the conciliation prize. It should be fairly cut and dry.

So either you’re not quite sending the message you think you are, or somewhere along the lines, somebody is hearing “You’re awesome but the relationship you want isn’t what I want, and I respect you enough to not pretend otherwise, peace out Cub Scout” and deciding that this is some sort of pressure tactic without any real reason to do so.

However, if you’re suddenly being incredibly cold to them… well, I can understand why they might feel like you’re trying to do a relationship equivalent of the freeze out, especially if they’re someone you interact with on a regular basis or someone you might have been friends with prior to asking them out. In that case, you may need to explain in a little more detail that you’re going to have to pull back for a while so that you aren’t frustrating yourself or putting pressure on them and that it’s about you managing your feelings, not about them.

If that’s not the case, if it really is that they just don’t want you leaving on your terms or want you to stick around even when it’s going to be painful to you, that’s their damage, not yours.

In general however, I’d suggest leaving out the bit about women dictating the terms of the friendship. I realize that you mean that you feel that the relationship would be one-sided, but the way you’re saying it is never going to come across as anything other than a “f

k you for rejecting me.” Framing it as “I feel that I don’t think I could be your friend while I still have these romantic/sexual feelings for you, and trying to force it would only end up hurting both of us,” carries the same message without making it about someone “dictating terms” or trying to force you into something you don’t want.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com